cricket123

Ok just I am frustrated. Being with a RA is… I don’t even know how to explain it. We are seeing a counselor but I feel like I am doing all the work. She wanted US to sit down and write out a chore list for our kids. Well I wrote it down and asked him about it and got - I guess it is ok and he went on with what he was working on. She wanted us to work on communication and parenting skills but I feel that he is only interested in being the good parent and not enforcing the rules that I end up setting up for our kids.

The other issue is I feel he is not making an effort to help US recover and it is up to me to do all the work. He will tell the counselor he does not want a divorce but I don’t see him making any effort toward working on us. He makes minimal effort to have a conversation with me. I am wondering if he really wants to have a relationship. I also find it unfair that he destroyed what we had (although not perfect good) and I have to do all the work to fix it.

The last thing is that makes me mad is that my standard of living would drop significantly if I left him. I have worked part time for several years raising our kids (one has special health concerns so one of us had to take her to her appointments) and I am not very marketable right at this time. (I am working on this)

Sorry I sound whinny I am just not sure how much effort I should put in. I going to bring up this communication problem with the counselor next time we see her. I should put aside my pride and see her by myself. I did not want to see her by myself because when he was drinking he kept insisting that I had major problems – he kept saying I was bi polar etc.
I am venting but would not mind some feedback.

Anappleaday

My AH and I also went to counseling after he had been to treament but the counselor saw us several times together at first and then wanted a few visits with each of us separately and then together again.

He wasn't working on it either, but it didn't take very long for her to figure it out and call him out on it

marie1960

If you want to see the couselor on your own, that's what you should do.
This is not about him. it's about you.
You deserve to be healthy.

lizatola

I don't have much advice to give as I'm in a similar situation. I haven't started counseling with my AH yet because I pretty much know that I'll be in your shoes in the future. I just don't think he's ready to really work on things between us right now and I'm not sure I'm happy with how I feel about us at all right now.

I am getting A LOT out of my current counselor. She specializes in codependency issues and in addiction issues and she is really challenging me to release him and to just focus on me. I guess I would suggest that individual counseling for just you would be beneficial so that you can just get away from the togetherness of you two and so that you can focus on YOU.

Hopeworks

Absolutely see a counselor by yourself! Make sure they are very experienced in codependency, addiction and relationships. Shop around until you find the right person to counsel with.

dancingnow

I could say exactly what you are saying 3 months ago but what I decided and what is working for me right now is not to focus on what RAH and I can do together. I ask him to take care of certain things and I stay out of it. Some of those things pertain to maintaining the house but I have slipped in a few that involve dealing with the kids and setting limits and boundaries with them so that I don't always have to be the "bad" guy.

Also I have let go of my anger and my RAH has a lot of anger issues. That causes a lot of problems in terms of our relationship. I have learned to set boundaries regarding that and it is pretty clear in our counseling sessions what is my responsibility for working on in our relationship and what is his.

I encourage you to work on yourself, alanon, counseling, self-help books until you become whole again and how your RA responds won't make you angry or upset.

I know I deserve someone who is actively working on a relationship with me but I won't ever have a chance at that if I didn't work on my own issues and gain clarity of what it was I truly need from a relationship with RAH or with anyone.