Hooped

I would really like to hear from some people with experiences of quitting drinking sucessfully (or otherwise), while their partner continues drinking, not alcoholicly per se, but certainly a couple of days a week.

Is it even possible? Or is it a recipe for failure?
Thoughts?

Reason I ask is my counsellor is adamant at it being a recipe for disaster if I re-unite with my wife, who drinks a couple of nights a week.

On the other hand, my wife is a wonderful caring woman and I certainly don't want to end up a lonely old man. It would be near impossible to find another woman like that for me.

Anybody who's quit drinking and has a partner who still drinks?
How do you handle it, if at all?

Anna

My husband stopped drinking when I did. He never, ever had a problem, but I think the thought of alcohol disgusted him, after what I went through.

I don`t agree that it`s a recipe for disaster at all. It might make it a bit more difficult but you clearly love your wife and have a good relationship, and that`s important too. Does it bother you if your wife drinks around you, or maybe you could go outside or to another part of the house.

SSIL75

My h drinks. It was awkward a but at the start but really not a big deal. Lots of people drink. Honestly caring so much about people drinking was one of the symptoms of my alcoholism. In recovery I really don't care!

GirlFromCO

Heya Hooped. My husband still drinks. My family still drinks. My friends too. I don't drink - I just deal with it. Whenever I find myself wanting a drink in that situation, I muster up my best inner obnoxious mom voice: "If all your friends decided to jump off a cliff, would you do it too?" LOL.

Eventually I just got to the point where it wouldn't matter if someone brought be a bottle of my favorite whatever, told me that nobody would ever know and I wouldn't even get a hangover. I don't drink. There are always always going to be opportunities to drink, Hooped. You can go to the store right now, buy a bottle, and get completely trashed if you want to. It's not like you lose your power of choice when someone around you is drinking.

I know you can do it! :ghug3 It might be weird at first not to drink while she is, but lots of folks have gone through this situation and I know you can too.

simian66

I really empathise with those whose drug of choice is alcohol. It's so out in the open within society. You can't walk down a street without seeing a specially designated venue on almost every street corner. You open your mail box and there are pamphlets dedicated to drinking.

I stopped smoking pot by isolating myself somewhat. If it was in my face all the time it would have been so much more difficult to stop, if at all.

I admire those who can stop drinking and be strong enough to still be exposed to it without indulging. I'm not sure what the answer is. Personally, I'd have to avoid all situations where I am likely to be exposed to it, at least for quite some time.

wellwisher

Ironically, we met in a bar - both toasted at the time, of course.

I was the one with the problem; ended up quite ill, then went the rehab, AA route about three years after I met him.

JB continued to drink for about two more years (not problematically), and eventually quit of his own accord. It was more the product of doing different, sober things that we both enjoyed, and eventually, drink just wasn't a part of the equation anymore. I had no expectation that he had to quit, but was prepared to leave if it became problematic for me.

I consider us two seperate individuals with our own choices to make. What he does has no bearing on what I do to maintain my health. I do what I need to do to stay healthy.

I know both of us are glad alcohol is out of our lives.

Purplecatlover

Only you can pour alcohol down your throat. You have to be determined that no matter what, I will not drink. No matter who is with you.
You can not put yourself in a bubble.
I was a black out drunk. Hubby is not. I quit, he did not.... For a time. He slowly cut down & now has not drank in about a month.
I know he will have a few in the future at family functions, etc.
But its fine w/ me.
I don't drink & got to the point where others drinking doesnt affect me whatsoever.
If they can drink responsibly, more power to em.
I however, can not. Ever.
Our marriage is much better now.
It can be done, if you're committed to never drinking again & not being jealous or tempted when she drinks.

LDT

Ditto, Purplecatlover.

desertsong

Hooped, my alcoholic husband and I got sober on the same day over 60 days ago. I'm still sober, but he's not ... he went back out a couple of weeks ago. It made me very, very sad, but I had to remind myself that it isn't because he's a bad person ... it's because he's just not ready yet. I was, he wasn't. Even tougher, I have to put my sobriety before anything else - even if he is drinking. My sobriety is MY responsibility, not his. It would certainly make things easier if he wasn't drinking and there was no alcohol in our house, but that isn't the reality right now. So I am staying strong by going to AA, working with my sponsor, calling sober friends, and doing other things that occupy my time and make me happy.

It would be REALLY easy to go back out and blame my husband. I could say, "Well, HE did it, so why can't I??? How am I supposed to stay sober when HE is drinking?" "It's all HIS fault that I want to drink again!"

B.S.

Hubby has been back out there for 3 weeks and is now talking about doing detox again. Ad nauseum. Okay. That is his journey. It has nothing to do with mine. I choose sobriety no matter WHAT he does. That's the only rational thing I can do. It would be very easy to drink "at" him right now and blame him for it, but it still falls back on me. I can try to avoid it 1001 different ways, but my sobriety rests ONLY with me.

jobei

I feel that if your partner doesn't have a "Drinking problem" the least they can do is quit especially early on in your recovery. Since they're not alcoholic they should have no problem making that sacrifice of support to you... now on the other hand if they refuse and cannot quit... then perhaps they should start "recovery" as well.

Lily

It is totally possible. I am surrounded by my drug of choice all the time and this is the peace I feel today:

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
Alcoholics Anonymous pp.84-85

Lily

Mark75

I have experience with this. Your post really really struck a nerve with me...

My wife is not an alcoholic. She has a drink at the end of each night.

When I went to rehab, it was a career thing and the time I spent there was to be decided as I moved through their program, up to three months. Now, I really didn't want to be there, and, had already effectively gotten clean off the stuff that got me in trouble, but I still had to go to keep the job.

Anyway...

I was doing very well and at the end of two months I was set to go, when one of the certified counselors/therapist, the only one not in recovery herself, not alcoholic, threatened to suggest I not be discharged until my wife promised to quit drinking too.

The impact of her approach to this issue was far reaching and profound.

It put me in the mindset that she should quit drinking too, or at least not in the house. When she, rightly so, scoffed at that, I immediately got very resentful and it was a very tense few months until I got my head right.

This idea that spouses shouldn't go on about their lives as they wish, but as they are told, assuming they are not breaking laws or abusive, is a sure way to kill any relationship... That therapists, especially those with no first hand experience, would expect such a thing... is bullsh1t.



We are happily married. Sure we have issues, but doesn't everyone?She is the love of my life.... It's not easy, but it can be done. The important thing is whether you both want it, and can you handle it?

eJoshua

No personal experience to offer here, but I will say that I've seen people work it out. I don't think it's necessarily a "recipe for disaster", but definitely something you'd want to put clear boundaries and guidelines around. I think if I were in your position I would be ok with a partner drinking occasionally -- as long as they were not an alcoholic, and as long as they didn't bring alcohol in the house. Your guidelines might be different, but that's how I would approach it.