slfultner449

That is what my recovering husband just told me. We have been fighting and I'm trying to get him to open up about what he's feeling but he won't. He will be sober for 1 year on the 15th. I don't know how to act now that he's said this to me...what do I do?

suki44883

I'm sorry, slfultner, but there's really nothing you can do. If he wants to drink, then he is going to drink. It really has nothing at all to do with you. A relapse starts long before they actually pick up a drink. It's a thought that turns into a nagging thought, which turns into an obsession if they don't have the tools to deal with it.

Please don't think that anything you could say or do will stop him from drinking if that is what he wants to do. As I said, it isn't about you, it is about him and his relationship with alcohol. Have you considered attending al-anon meetings? They can help you learn to live a peaceful life in spite of what you husband does or does not do. You cannot control him, but you can control yourself and how you choose to live your own life.

EnglishGarden

Is there a chance he is manipulating you not to stand your ground in the conflict, by insinuating that the conflict will cause him to relapse?

I would remind him that his recovery belongs to him and that he can call his sponsor. And that if the conflict between you is used as an excuse to drink, you will not be held responsible for his addictive behavior. You cannot control it. You will not cure it. And he knows that.

Cyranoak

...quite trying to get him to open up. It's irritating beyond belief, and controlling and passive aggressive as well. Asking once is caring, asking more than once is nagging and, in my view, disrespectful.

Another thing to consider is to simply say, "I'm sorry, I can't imagine what that must feel like, what are you going to do to handle it?" Then, if he chooses not to answer your question just drop it.

Third, go to an Alanon meeting-- as many as you can until this passes (regardless of the outcome).

Take care,

Cyranoak