EmmyG

I've been posting about my AH, who drank again after a year of not drinking during his old friend's visit to our house. I feel like the fact that he hasn't been doing any kind of ongoing treatment has left him vulnerable to drinking when he finds himself in certain situations. Having a good year had made me hopeful that he was getting better, but obviously his underlying issues are there under the surface and he's basically a ticking time bomb.

He understands that I don't trust him anymore and I can't live like this, and he says he will support whatever I decide to do. I hate the way I've become, always waiting for the next crisis and dreading any events that could lead to him drinking. It's taking away from my happiness and more importantly, my emotional availability for my children.

He "says" he will go to a SMART Recovery meeting on Tuesday. Our lease is up in four months. He is asking me to give him these four months to show he's serious about getting help, and if he doesn't, he will support me moving out. My question is how do I know he's serious? Do I ask for some kind of proof that he's going?

I'm reading "Getting Them Sober" again. My plan is to spend the next few months detaching and making a plan for what I will do if I move out. It's time to face the reality that he may never change. My plan is to stop asking him what his plans are, what he's doing, or if he's getting help. I need to envision a new life for me and the boys because the last thing I want to do is let my fear of the unknown cloud my decision making. I just turned 30, and I really don't want to be posting in 20 years when my boys are having all kinds of problems because I kept them in this situation.

dollydo

Let him prove that he is serious about recovery by staying clean and sober for a year or longer...don't listen to his words, they mean nothing, he is just attempting to manipulate you.

Watch his actions, they will tell you the truth.

Take care of you and your children..you are young...you have your whole life ahead of you...don't waste it waiting for him to get his life together...it may never happen.

changeschoices

You know they really want help when they get it, absolutely throw themselves into it, and stick to it. For a long time. But even then, there are no guarantees.

Every woman I've ever talked to that left their A says that, even if the A is with a different woman and staying sober and even if they've been together for years and he's stayed sober, the wife is constantly in fear of the A relapsing someday.

I prefer not to live that way. Living with an A compromised my happiness as a mother, my productiveness as an employee, and my relationship quality with my friends and family.

An A will never be alone if they don't want to be. There is always another woman out there willing to put up with it. I'd rather have my life blossom without the A then be a "holla back girl" and an enabler. Remember, living well is the best revenge--and it's also what our higher power wants us to do. We are meant to develop as fully as we can, to our best abilities, in this one life we have.

I was not able to live with the fear and uncertainty of the A's relapse. I respect people who can do it, but it's not the life for me. Every person must decide for themselves what kind of life they can/should live.

It sounds like you have a lot of clarity about your situation. I say do a trial separation and see what happens. Do the right thing for your and your children, and let the chips fall where they may for your AH. The universe will then unfold as it should, and in the meantime, you and your children will be living with a lot less anguish. And not enabling your AH is truly the kindest thing you can do for him.

Relapsing after hanging with an old friend sounds like the A longing for the past, which is a dangerous place to be for an addict. Healthy people do not long for the past; they accept that it's gone forever and live in today.

wicked

Gather all your resources and keep your eyes on your goal of a safe and healthy life for you and your children. I think the alcoholic has taken enough of your time away from your life and that of the kids.
Be ready when the lease is up. I (recovering alcoholic) have no faith in him right now, he relapsed but instead of going to get help, he talks about it.
He either does not believe his problem is that bad (one year without) and he is not as bad as those people.
Unless and until he wants it, he is spinning his wheels and just manipulating you.

Try life without an alcoholic and the chaos that comes with it, I think you will love it.

:ghug3

Beth

Hopeworks

In my life with my XA he was either A) Drinking B) Detoxing C) in true recovery (very short lived and infrequently) D) Dry drunk who was one drink away from chaos, insanity and back to square one at A.

I spent 4 years praying for the miracle and happy ending and I don't regret the journey because I learned a LOT ABOUT MYSELF and have grown so much through the pain of the toxic relationship and break up.

Do not listen to words but instead let them show who they are by actions. Believe them.

I will never again settle for a relationship with an active or a recovered alcoholic even if they are recovered 25+ years! I no longer feel the need to risk the peace and serenity I now enjoy.

My life has never been better and I have never been happier! I got here by creating alcohol free boundaries that resulted in my A choosing to leave to drink. I was ready for his departure because I had been detaching and getting better for the past year and half in alanon and on this site.

He has what he wanted and I have a great stress free, alcohol free happy life.

YOu can have it too... we all can!