He's never going to change, is he?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Mays Landing, NJ
Posts: 23
He's never going to change, is he?
Hi everyone,
This is my first post here, although I registered and read a lot back in February. I'm just feeling so hopeless right now. My story is probably a lot like most of yours. My boyfriend of one year is an alcoholic. He has been in and out of rehab, has had 4 DUIs, the usual stuff. The sad part is, I knew all this when I met him 5 years ago. Back then, I was married and he was engaged. (He went on to dump her and marry someone else.) My husband and I were friends with him. He was actually our neighbor, and still lives 4 doors down from me.
In 2010, my husband died suddenly, and early last year, BF separated from his wife. He was suddenly there, offering a shoulder to cry on and in my grief I glommed onto him.
In the year since, I have broken up and reconciled with him 5 times. I can't seem to break free. I love him, I really do, he's very sweet and has never once said an unkind word to me, but my god, the lies!
About 6 weeks ago, he checked himself into the hospital for a medical detox with no prompting from me. He felt really sick and I think he got scared that the drinking actually might kill him. When he got out three days later, he was set up with an IOP and really seemed strong and determined to beat his addiction. I was so happy and full of hope! We had a wonderful three weeks and I got to finally meet the man he could be without the booze. Then the drinking and lying started again. i don't even know why, he was doing so well, and seemed so happy!
He's no longer going to any meetings (says they're "depressing") but said it was just a slip and he was getting right back on the wagon. Then yesterday, we went to the mall with my 10-year-old son. I was paranoid the whole time he'd been drinking. He seemed fine, but I thought I smelled beer on him....you know how it goes. I was uneasy, but didn't want to accuse him of anything. Then, unbelievably, he dragged me into the jewelry store, got down on one knee and proposed to me, in front of my son and a whole bunch of bystanders. He had apparently already picked out a ring and all the salespeople knew what was going on. I said yes, what else could I do?? We had talked about "someday" getting married, on the condition that he get sober and stay that way. But I never expected a real proposal, especially not after all the drama and heartache of the last few weeks. Plus we have other issues, not the least of which is that he's 14 years younger than me and my grown children hate his guts.
So we left the mall engaged and he seemed so happy and wanted to tell everyone right away. He called his mom and sister and texted all his friends, and I texted my kids with my heart in my throat. The whole thing just didn't feel right. My boys (25 and 21) were cautiously congratulatory but my 19-year-old dd was livid.
Later last night, my oldest had the class to come over and shake BF's hand and congratulate us in person and wish us well, despite his misgivings. They had a good conversation about my son's new business venture and I started to relax and think maybe this was going to be okay after all. Maybe he was serious about having a happy sober life with me. Then BF said he was "just going to run home and grab some clothes." My heart immediately sank. I know by now that whenever he has to "run home" it's to drink. Then I felt guilty for doubting him.
He came back 20 minutes later completely smashed. I still don't know how he manages to do that. I've never seen anything like it. He must have pounded like 10 shots. Why he came back I'll never know. He always thinks I won't be able to tell, which is ridiculous because he was slurring and stumbling and barely coherent. My son met my eyes and I saw such sadness and pity in his face it broke my heart. He made his excuses and left. I said to BF, "I can't believe you're drunk!" and he actually denied having anything to drink. It would be funny if it weren't so pathetic.
I told him he had to leave, because my new boundary is that he can't be here in my house when he's been drinking. (I had to make him leave three nights in a row.) I tried to give him the ring back but he wouldn't take it, so now it sits in my jewelry box.
Today he's been texting me full of the usual morning-after ********. "I'll try again, I promise, just please don't give up on me" and "I know I screwed up but don't throw away what we have" blah, blah, blah.
I came on here and read all morning, and from what I can gather, very few of them ever quit for good. I don't want to hurt him, and I'm terrified that if I leave him he's going to use it as an excuse to drink himself to death, but I think it's time to end this madness. He's turning me into a crazy person. I barely recognize myself anymore.
We don't live together, we don't have kids together, we've only been together a year. I need to leave now, don't I?
This is my first post here, although I registered and read a lot back in February. I'm just feeling so hopeless right now. My story is probably a lot like most of yours. My boyfriend of one year is an alcoholic. He has been in and out of rehab, has had 4 DUIs, the usual stuff. The sad part is, I knew all this when I met him 5 years ago. Back then, I was married and he was engaged. (He went on to dump her and marry someone else.) My husband and I were friends with him. He was actually our neighbor, and still lives 4 doors down from me.
In 2010, my husband died suddenly, and early last year, BF separated from his wife. He was suddenly there, offering a shoulder to cry on and in my grief I glommed onto him.
In the year since, I have broken up and reconciled with him 5 times. I can't seem to break free. I love him, I really do, he's very sweet and has never once said an unkind word to me, but my god, the lies!
About 6 weeks ago, he checked himself into the hospital for a medical detox with no prompting from me. He felt really sick and I think he got scared that the drinking actually might kill him. When he got out three days later, he was set up with an IOP and really seemed strong and determined to beat his addiction. I was so happy and full of hope! We had a wonderful three weeks and I got to finally meet the man he could be without the booze. Then the drinking and lying started again. i don't even know why, he was doing so well, and seemed so happy!
He's no longer going to any meetings (says they're "depressing") but said it was just a slip and he was getting right back on the wagon. Then yesterday, we went to the mall with my 10-year-old son. I was paranoid the whole time he'd been drinking. He seemed fine, but I thought I smelled beer on him....you know how it goes. I was uneasy, but didn't want to accuse him of anything. Then, unbelievably, he dragged me into the jewelry store, got down on one knee and proposed to me, in front of my son and a whole bunch of bystanders. He had apparently already picked out a ring and all the salespeople knew what was going on. I said yes, what else could I do?? We had talked about "someday" getting married, on the condition that he get sober and stay that way. But I never expected a real proposal, especially not after all the drama and heartache of the last few weeks. Plus we have other issues, not the least of which is that he's 14 years younger than me and my grown children hate his guts.
So we left the mall engaged and he seemed so happy and wanted to tell everyone right away. He called his mom and sister and texted all his friends, and I texted my kids with my heart in my throat. The whole thing just didn't feel right. My boys (25 and 21) were cautiously congratulatory but my 19-year-old dd was livid.
Later last night, my oldest had the class to come over and shake BF's hand and congratulate us in person and wish us well, despite his misgivings. They had a good conversation about my son's new business venture and I started to relax and think maybe this was going to be okay after all. Maybe he was serious about having a happy sober life with me. Then BF said he was "just going to run home and grab some clothes." My heart immediately sank. I know by now that whenever he has to "run home" it's to drink. Then I felt guilty for doubting him.
He came back 20 minutes later completely smashed. I still don't know how he manages to do that. I've never seen anything like it. He must have pounded like 10 shots. Why he came back I'll never know. He always thinks I won't be able to tell, which is ridiculous because he was slurring and stumbling and barely coherent. My son met my eyes and I saw such sadness and pity in his face it broke my heart. He made his excuses and left. I said to BF, "I can't believe you're drunk!" and he actually denied having anything to drink. It would be funny if it weren't so pathetic.
I told him he had to leave, because my new boundary is that he can't be here in my house when he's been drinking. (I had to make him leave three nights in a row.) I tried to give him the ring back but he wouldn't take it, so now it sits in my jewelry box.
Today he's been texting me full of the usual morning-after ********. "I'll try again, I promise, just please don't give up on me" and "I know I screwed up but don't throw away what we have" blah, blah, blah.
I came on here and read all morning, and from what I can gather, very few of them ever quit for good. I don't want to hurt him, and I'm terrified that if I leave him he's going to use it as an excuse to drink himself to death, but I think it's time to end this madness. He's turning me into a crazy person. I barely recognize myself anymore.
We don't live together, we don't have kids together, we've only been together a year. I need to leave now, don't I?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is an alcoholic and just doing what alcholics do...drink and lie. Whether you stay with him or not, it makes no difference, he will drink until he is ready to get sober and work a strong recovery program. You do not have the power to save him. He will be an alcoholic all his life, this is a progressive disease that will continue to escaulate without total recovery.
Your 19 year old is one smart cookie...I'd trust his instincts. You are thinking with your heart not your head. Your heart is not designed to do the thinking, it has no ability to use common sense.
4 DUI's are a BIG red flag, they tell you the entire story and thus far you have choosen to ignore the ramifications of driving while drunk. You marry this guy and he kills or mames another, you can and most likely will lose everything.
This romance sounds like a rebound one to me, you and your family deserve so much better, this is insanity at its finest and a minor child should never be exposed to addiction of any kind, let alone being raised in the home of an alcoholic/drug addict.
In the 7 or so years I have been on this board I have only said this 2 other times...I must say it now....RUN.... you have no future with this guy, and it would be totally irresponsible to live with him as long as you have a minor child living with you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by QueenOfSwords 
He's turning me into a crazy person. I barely recognize myself anymore.
We don't live together, we don't have kids together, we've only been together a year. I need to leave now, don't I?
We don't live together, we don't have kids together, we've only been together a year. I need to leave now, don't I?
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Can I ask you something?
If this man were the boyfriend of your mom, your daughter or your very best friend ~ what would you suggest for them? would you want them to continue a relationship with someone who offers such unhealthiness? If nothing changes, can you imagine this being your relationship for the rest of your life?
I have learned in recovery ~ If I want something different, I have to be willing to do something different ~
Everyone deserves a healthy relationship where BOTH parties participate FULLY ~ if the other party is consumed by addiction ~ how can they participate in a relationship with someone else?
PINK HUGS,
Rita
If this man were the boyfriend of your mom, your daughter or your very best friend ~ what would you suggest for them? would you want them to continue a relationship with someone who offers such unhealthiness? If nothing changes, can you imagine this being your relationship for the rest of your life?
I have learned in recovery ~ If I want something different, I have to be willing to do something different ~
Everyone deserves a healthy relationship where BOTH parties participate FULLY ~ if the other party is consumed by addiction ~ how can they participate in a relationship with someone else?
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
It sounds like this much-younger alcoholic is looking to take advantage of you. If this guy causes a car accident and hurts/kills someone and you're married to him, you will lose everything you own when he gets sued.
Find a bereavement group to heal from the loss of your husband before you get involved with anyone else. And try AlAnon, too.
The whole proposal sounds awfully manipulative to me. It really put you on the spot. Give back the ring, and move on.
I'm sorry for your pain, but I would get out now before it gets worse. I speak from experience. I got involved with my college sweetheart after I separated from my husband. Talk about vulnerable. Biggest mistake of my life. When he started drinking and driving again after two OUIs (three OUIs in my state = serious prison time), I broke our engagement and tossed him out. I'm in my 40s and totally embarrassed that my life has come to this. My family and friends think he's a total loser and I'm sure they think I'm an idiot.
Find a bereavement group to heal from the loss of your husband before you get involved with anyone else. And try AlAnon, too.
The whole proposal sounds awfully manipulative to me. It really put you on the spot. Give back the ring, and move on.
I'm sorry for your pain, but I would get out now before it gets worse. I speak from experience. I got involved with my college sweetheart after I separated from my husband. Talk about vulnerable. Biggest mistake of my life. When he started drinking and driving again after two OUIs (three OUIs in my state = serious prison time), I broke our engagement and tossed him out. I'm in my 40s and totally embarrassed that my life has come to this. My family and friends think he's a total loser and I'm sure they think I'm an idiot.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by QueenOfSwords
I came on here and read all morning, and from what I can gather, very few of them ever quit for good. I don't want to hurt him, and I'm terrified that if I leave him he's going to use it as an excuse to drink himself to death, but I think it's time to end this madness. He's turning me into a crazy person. I barely recognize myself anymore.
We don't live together, we don't have kids together, we've only been together a year. I need to leave now, don't I?
We don't live together, we don't have kids together, we've only been together a year. I need to leave now, don't I?
An excuse is just an excuse - the choices about his drinking are still his to make.
And you are allowed to make your own choices as well, for no other reason than that's the choice you made. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.
Trust yourself. Trust your instincts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
He's never going to change, is he?
My guess, probably not.
the question I would be asking myself, just how much more of me am I willing to invest in this relationship ?
honestly this doesn't sound very healthy for you. I think you already know the answer. Sending you support.
My guess, probably not.
the question I would be asking myself, just how much more of me am I willing to invest in this relationship ?
honestly this doesn't sound very healthy for you. I think you already know the answer. Sending you support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
looking back and forward on my own struggles within my own relationship, I already have this question answered. Pretty much if a person is hiding drinking and making excuses and lying about it, the truth is in the actions, not the words. It is so very hard to finally come to terms with this insidious disease. I have witnessed my ABF be consumed by pills, drugs, alcohol, and go around in circles with addiction. I have went through the chasing, controlling, tattling (to his mother) stages, the denial, the heartbreak and hope coupled again with denial. Shoot, I can see I have been on my own separate merry-go-round ride, and you know what, at least now I see it for what it is.
Unless a person can sincerely, truly look at themselves and realize the pain they are causing themselves AND their family and friends and ADMIT they have a problem, AND then follow through with help, the cycle will continue. The admission and seeking of help is a HUGE component of recovery. I know my ABF thinks he is not an alcoholic or an addict although he is drunk every single day. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. So, we can choose to look at the evidence and the roles our denial and own hang-ups are keeping us down....or we can plan for a better life and tomorrow. I am at the long term planning phase.
Saving money, getting myself situated with an education so I can be fully self-sufficient without needing one red cent from my ABF to help raise our son. I know for him to part with his drinking money is too hard and isn't worth the battle.
I think it is the exception rather than the rule that people get help with alcohol addiction and make a life long commitment to health and family.
Unless a person can sincerely, truly look at themselves and realize the pain they are causing themselves AND their family and friends and ADMIT they have a problem, AND then follow through with help, the cycle will continue. The admission and seeking of help is a HUGE component of recovery. I know my ABF thinks he is not an alcoholic or an addict although he is drunk every single day. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. So, we can choose to look at the evidence and the roles our denial and own hang-ups are keeping us down....or we can plan for a better life and tomorrow. I am at the long term planning phase.
Saving money, getting myself situated with an education so I can be fully self-sufficient without needing one red cent from my ABF to help raise our son. I know for him to part with his drinking money is too hard and isn't worth the battle.I think it is the exception rather than the rule that people get help with alcohol addiction and make a life long commitment to health and family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Mays Landing, NJ
Posts: 23
Thank you all, so much, for responding. I know what I need to do. I think I knew before I wrote my post. My fear is that he just will not leave me alone. The last time I broke up with him I had him blocked from my phone and Facebook but he kept leaving love notes on my front door. (He lives on my street.) One night, after I had been strong for a whole month, I was lonely and heard him out there on my porch and opened the door. Before I knew it I was sucked right back in.
Any tips for staying strong without being cruel?
Any tips for staying strong without being cruel?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Well, he needs to understand boundaries and stay away from your house. If he can't accept that, I'm afraid a restraining order may be the only way he gets the message. A normal adult understands the meaning of "no contact" and will not come to your house repeatedly after a breakup.
I'm glad you have decided to move on. No man is worth losing the respect and support of your family and friends. If you stayed with this guy, you could alienate all of your friends and family, and then what would you do if he left you (which sounds quite possible, given his relationship history)?
I'm feeling sad for you.
I can only imagine how upsetting and hurtful it was to be proposed to and then, on the very same day, deal with his drunkeness. But, that is a powerful statement about his allegiance to alcohol. He couldn't have made it any clearer.
Going through the sudden loss of your husband is enough pain for you to have to deal with right now. From here on in, you deserve happiness!
I'm glad you have decided to move on. No man is worth losing the respect and support of your family and friends. If you stayed with this guy, you could alienate all of your friends and family, and then what would you do if he left you (which sounds quite possible, given his relationship history)?
I'm feeling sad for you.
I can only imagine how upsetting and hurtful it was to be proposed to and then, on the very same day, deal with his drunkeness. But, that is a powerful statement about his allegiance to alcohol. He couldn't have made it any clearer. Going through the sudden loss of your husband is enough pain for you to have to deal with right now. From here on in, you deserve happiness!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Maybe you could leave notes to yourself on the inside of your door? Something along the lines of:
"If you open the door to him, you are opening the door to heartache, grief, and pain!"
of a love note to yourself:
"You deserve happiness, peace, and joy! Opening the door to him will not bring that into your life!"
"If you open the door to him, you are opening the door to heartache, grief, and pain!"
of a love note to yourself:
"You deserve happiness, peace, and joy! Opening the door to him will not bring that into your life!"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, QueenOfSwords. Lots of great words here already, so I will just welcome you to SR and encourage you to keep coming back.
I do believe everyone has the power and ability to change. Some of us live up to that, and others don't. Who knows which category he falls into? The better question is which do you fall into?
Take good care,
~T
I do believe everyone has the power and ability to change. Some of us live up to that, and others don't. Who knows which category he falls into? The better question is which do you fall into?
Take good care,
~T
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 260
The reason he came back so hammered was because he was already drunk before he went. My guess is he was full of Dutch courage when he proposed and the "run home" trip was to top up. The booze can really creep up on you when you do that -- you think you've straightened up in the downtime but you haven't.
Sorry, QoS. I like to try and see things from all sides, but this guy sounds like a car crash. A car crash with a good heart, mind, but a car crash all the same.
Sorry, QoS. I like to try and see things from all sides, but this guy sounds like a car crash. A car crash with a good heart, mind, but a car crash all the same.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Well, he needs to understand boundaries and stay away from your house. If he can't accept that, I'm afraid a restraining order may be the only way he gets the message. A normal adult understands the meaning of "no contact" and will not come to your house repeatedly after a breakup.
Someone here had a great metaphor for this dynamic that I think about with my RAH. He's sitting in the middle of the highway. Cars and trucks are speeding at him and he's pretending they aren't there, and asking you for company out there in the middle of the road. The codie part of you wants to help him out of danger, but the codie part of you also compels you to run out into oncoming traffic for someone who doesn't really want the help. Here's the thing: he is PERFECTLY CAPABLE of getting out of the road, and it's not up to you to risk life and limb to make that happen. He just has to get up off his duff and get out of the road. Nothing you say or do is going to make that happen, especially not when you're putting yourself, your kids, your assets, etc, in danger to do it.
Once these over-arching philosophies are firmly in place, it's really easy to say no without feeling heartless. He's capable of helping himself, and your concern is helping yourself. That means exercising boundaries with a certain amount of indifference to his complaints and manipulations.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
Standing outside your door and leaving notes after you told him you didn't want to see him and have gone no contact is not a sign of an emotionally healthy adult man. It's more a sign of an emotionally needy and immature man who doesn't know how to respect anyone else's boundaries and has no self respect. This is what you would be dealing with on a daily basis if you lived with him and his active addiction. I know deep down in your gut you know what you need to do.
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