Cassey

Okay, I know it is pretty dumb for me to say or think that all alcoholics have affairs.

It just seems to me that the statistics are so high or much higher for alcoholics am I wrong?

I was thinking about google - ing that information.

He was lonely, I didnt feel like you loved me anymore.

Is this the codie in me saying, if you didnt spend so much time with your first wife, "Beer" or whatever your choice was. ugggggggggggggggggg sorry!! I get so frustrated sometimes.

Having an affair is just another excuse.

I am sorry bad day

What is the number one thing in your life making you feel lonely?

I think I have alot of anger issues, really wish I had this club about now

changeschoices

I don't feel lonely. I feel relieved. But then, I threw my AX out. Once you get to that point, it's hard to feel lonely if you keep busy and get out there and LIVE. Living with the A was lonelier than being alone.

Do alcoholics have more affairs? Maybe, maybe not. They might be more sloppy and manipulative so you find out more and/or get blamed for the affair. They might be more morally bankrupt because of their addiction. They clearly go looking for love in all the wrong places, starting with the bottle.

Either way, it doesn't really matter, IMO. An affair is an affair is an affair. Add alcoholism to that mix and you really have no reason to stay.

My mother raised me to be unequivocable about infidelity. She says no matter what's going wrong in the relationship, an affair is a choice made by the cheater.

Cassey

When I typed this statement

What is the number one thing in your life making you feel lonely?

This is what I have heard and read from so many people, they were lonely and didnt think they were loved or appreciated. Ugggggggggggggg

Wow how dead on, living with someone who is never available is much lonelier than living alone.

Adventure

You can sing that one - I am infinitely happier when my AH is working night shift than when he is wallowing at home....

outtolunch

An affair says a lot about the two people involved and nothing about the cheated person. People, sober or addicted, tend to rationalize their impulsive behaviors and choices rather than take responsibility for themselves.

No one has the power to cause someone else to have an affair.

Cassey

An affair says a lot about the two people involved and nothing about the cheated person.

Could you explain this a little further for me?

changeschoices

People may have affairs because they don't feel fulfilled in the relationship, and that might be both people's faults. But there is an honest alternative to having an affair: getting out of the relationship. Or, go to marriage counseling. Having an affair is dishonest, period.

Look at it this way: if your spouse hates your cooking, that doesn't give him the right to go to another woman's house and eat the dinner she's cooked while keeping you around for his other needs. He could work to help you cook, you could go to cooking classes to resolve your cooking issues, or decide you're never going to be the cook he wants and divorce you.

mattmathews

First, it sucks to find out you've been betrayed. I'm not where you are, but I feel for you.
This may be absolutely no help, but I'm hooked by these (Kelly Clarkson) lyrics:

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

Before my own recovery started, I was so enmeshed in my wifes life that I thought that everything she said and did was about me. It wasn't and it isn't and it shouldn't be. Being so tightly wound around each other made us both crazy. I've got boundaries now, and we're both better for it.

LifeRecovery

Having survived both.

I got a lot of help from Al-anon readings about the combination of both (especially "In All Our Affairs....no pun intended).

I don't know about if it is more common or not, but I do know that both the affair and my loved ones drinking made me feel out of control, in a struggle to know what was mine and what was his etc.

The Three Cs also helped.
I could control neither the drinking, nor the affair.
I could change neither situation
I could cure neither situation either.

DesertEyes

Hello Cassey

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all this "garbage". I was cheated on, and my feelings were a train wreck.

As to whether alkies cheat more than "normies", I don't know. The only cheater that has affected my life was my ex-wife. All the other cheaters in the world are something I don't worry about, what they do and why they do it makes no difference to me. I just focus on my own "recovery" and my own feelings, which keeps me plenty busy most days

Was my wife lonely? Is that what caused her to cheat? I don't know, she never did say. I don't care _why_ she cheated. I care that she _did_ cheat. If the problem was loneliness she could have said something about it, I asked her many times to go to marriage counseling with me but she refused. Maybe she _was_ lonely, perhaps that explains why she cheated with that one guy. But then why did she cheat with the other two guys? How many lovers does it take to get over loneliness.

Maybe more than three. I know she had three lovers, but she might have had more. There is some good news in that number "3". I can think positive and consider that it took three guys to replace one of me < ok, bad joke >

Me being lonely? Goodness, I would _much_ rather be lonely than _wish_ I was lonely.

I was lonely at first. Then I got involved in al-anon, got a sponsor, then a couple sponsees. I built a new life for myself. I don't get lonely any more, I enjoy the quiet, the serenity of having a little distance between me and other people. I have made a lot of new friends and any time I want I can just call somebody up and go have a cup of coffee. Or I can go to some community event and make new friends.

Hope your feeling better, Cassey. I remember those lonely days when I was married and they really sucked. Feel free to keep posting here on SR, I know it helped me a lot, even if it was just to keep me distracted and less focused on my own "stuff".

Mike

Jitterbugg

As an alcoholic and male, and can say that I wasn't in a position to cheat. Firstly, the booze completely suppressed my sex-drive and I had 'problems' with maintaining arousal (and I was only late 20`s, early 30`s). Secondly, the booze caused me to gain 30 pounds and be constantly broke. What other woman would even look my way...I was a poor, drunken slob! While I`m sober now, my father is an active alcoholic (hence why Im reading this section). My mother laments his drinking but always takes solace in the fact that booze turns him into a blabbering idiot so she knows he couldnt carry on an affair...

oneday66

I don't know if A's have more affairs - I do know they don't have boundaries/ or weakened boundaries which can lead them to rationalize using, or any other behavior
I asked a guy once (not an A) why he cheated on his wife - his response "I don't know.. it was just there..."
A lot of A's don't cheat...
And then there are people who will cheat because they have the opportunity - drunk or sober... someone once said addiction gets too much credit

FedUpWith2Brats

My XAH swears he didn't have an affair, but I believe otherwise. Physically, maybe he really didn't, but emotionally, he did. And that, in my book, is far worse than a physical act. The bartender at his home away from home was his choice. He knew every detail of her life, what she wore, when she changed her hairstyle, her work schedule, etc. He even called me once coming home from her house because he was lost and needed directions! My feelings are that she was trying to get me to leave and then move in with him, because she needed a place to stay. He claimed complete innocence, but when he knows her bday and has to call me for mine for paperwork for his insurance--well, that speaks volumes.
I don't think so much that it is alcoholics that have affairs, I feel that once you start responding differently to their drinking/addictions they seek out others who support their habit/behavior. Maybe you don't sleep with AH anymore because he can't do it, or is just nasty slobbery drunk or whatever. A new person in his life, one that he somehow is able to be intimate with, reinforces his "belief" that the problem is with you, not him. It gives him a reason to drink--my wife drove me to it, she won't sleep with me anymore, go to the bar with me anymore, drink with me anymore....you get the picture. Alcoholics are great con artists, they can manipulate just about anyone into feeling sorry for them. When they hit bottom is usually when they are seen for whom they truly are-a drunk-and nobody will put up with them or their excuses anymore.
For me, the last straw was when I was released from the hospital after having a stroke and being diagnosed with diabetes. I had to have my friends hubby pick me up and take me home because MY hubby was at the bar and said he would be there after "one more beer". I called the bar when I got home to let him know I was home and couldn't be alone, and he stayed 4 more hours! (little miss bartender was working). I later found out that as his first wife lay home, dying, with hospice workers, he would be at the bar hours everyday after work. His true mistress is the bottle.
I no longer feel guilty for not being the perfect wife, the problems are within him, not me. He is incapable of having a meaningful relationship with anyone, as booze is and always has been his first love. I was simply a roommate who paid the bills, leaving him with more money to drink away. An alcoholic is not able to be a partner to anyone, let alone be there emotionally, physically and financially. They will always twist it around to make you the bad guy, causing you to experience intense loneliness. Being married to an alcoholic IS lonelier than being/living alone.
You don't have to be an alcoholic to have an affair, but being one makes you less likely to make good choices in life. We codies seem to think that it is our mission to "save" them from themselves, and when we can't, we feel like failures. NOT TRUE!!! They are failures to themselves and everyone else in their lives, and when we stop being their codie, they move on to someone who will be, plain and simple.
Sorry this is so long and rambling, but I am so irritated today-I heard from someone who knows him that he is still (after 2 years) talking bad about me. I just had to vent. So Cassey, don't take it personally. You didn't CAUSE the affair, you can't CONTROL it, and you certainly can't CURE it. You certainly can CUSS it, CLOSE the door on it, and CHAIN that door! Don't let yourself be his doormat and expose yourself to the dangers his tramping around can cause you. Be strong, stay safe, and create a new, happier life for yourself. I did, and my life is finally meaningful once again.

sesh

My RAH cheated on me quite a few times, while he was still drinking. When I finally found out about it I was devastated. I went through a whole roller coaster of emotions, and I left him.
It took me awhile to recover from it. Some time later I had an relationship with someone else. I didn't care too much about that person, I guess at the time I was looking for anyting that is going to take me away from the pain I was feeling. It was brief, but I learned one thing from it, which is something I never knew before: it is not hard or unpleasant to have intimate relationship with someone you don't really care about, it doesn't have to mean anything, one can do it only to make oneself feel better. I guess it is not too nice on the other person, but one can do that and it is not too big of a deal. This whole thing demistified this whole issue for me.

I don't know if this makes sense to you. It is not that I'm advising you to do something like it, far from it, it is just that I am saying I found the way for myself to get the glimpse of the things from the different persepctive, and to understand that my RAH's infidelities had nothing to do with me. Same as his drinking it was all about him, and his inability to live a normal, decent life.

In the meantime RAH checked himself into rehab and started working on his recovery, and eventually we started talking again. I dind't feel like a talking about infidelities, I didn't need to listen to the reasons why he did it, as the way I see it there is no good enough reason one does thing like that. But I could see he was very remorseful for all the things he did. And I left it on that. IN time we found ways for our relationship to work again, and we are living a nice life together now. The past is in the past and I don't dwel on it, of course sometimes I feel the stinge of pain, but I let it pass through me, and I don't let it spoil my life.

Now days we are both working hard on our own recoveries, and we are both trying to be the best parents we can to our kids.

Being cheated on is very hard to deal with, but at the end of the day one must decide what to do with all that pain. I decided that pain is not of use to me, so I let go of it. My RAH knows all too well what he did, and that is his cross to bear. His cheating on me says nothing about me, but it says a lot about him, about who he was, about who he doesn't want to be.

I understand what I am saying might come across as strange to many of you, but it works for me. I chose to forgive as it works for me better than than the alternative. We are all humans, we all make mistakes, it doesn't matter what we did in the past, but what are we doing now.

wicked

It doesn't seem strange to me you european tornado you! :ghug3
I just read a few days ago,
Forgiveness is giving up on the idea that you can change the past.
Wow, that really resonated with me.

So delighted to see you sesh, and pleased that you are working it out to be the best parents for your children.
Your recovery is shining trans-Atlantic now!

Beth

Cyranoak

...what matters is you.

Okay, I know it is pretty dumb for me to say or think that all alcoholics have affairs. (Not dumb, reaction to pain, and doesn't matter)

It just seems to me that the statistics are so high or much higher for alcoholics am I wrong? (cheaters are cheaters drunk or sober, statistics don't matter because they aren't specific [and alcoholism is VERY specific] and 92.678 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot)

I was thinking about google - ing that information. (Google is full of as much bad information as good, and it doesn't matter)

He was lonely, I didnt feel like you loved me anymore. (boo hoo for him, he's a grown-ass man, there is no excuse for cheating, and it doesn't matter-- he is fully responsible for his choices)

Is this the codie in me saying, if you didnt spend so much time with your first wife, "Beer" or whatever your choice was. ugggggggggggggggggg sorry!! I get so frustrated sometimes. (Yes, and it's OK-- pain is pain)

Having an affair is just another excuse. (That is correct.)

Take care,

Cyranoak

Taking5

This described me perfectly.

djayr

As a faithful husband whose AW cheated and absolutely will NOT admit it despite mountains of evidence to the contrary (over and over no less) -- I personally think A's DO cheat more, WAY more, than non-alcoholics.

It's just another inexplicable way of drowning whatever pain they are also covering with the alcohol. It's also a byproduct of extremely poor judgement and decision making. It's also a way for them to deal with their loneliness and isolation, like booze, a way to feel better about themselves.

The problem is, in my experience, it hurts WAY, WAY worse than their affair with the bottle.

I just had a man tell me on the phone the other day, that he stays at MY house with AW while I am on vacation or out of town. And AW acts like this is no big deal, and there is nothing going on. Then he told me that her panties and curling iron are at his apartment. And she has stayed out all night a couple of time.

And when I ask her about these things, she lies.

Do alcoholics cheat? Oh yes. Maybe not at first, but my AW picked up a distinct momentum over her 10+ year accelerating vodka-drinking career and once she started texting "I love you / I love you too" to one man, the next thing I knew there were others.

And when I ask her about this stuff . . . shocked disbelief that I would even accuse her of doing anything improper, more denial than I have ever seen! Just one more thing to drive me nuts.

Anyhoo, that's what blew up my 17 year marriage. I am now living in an apartment, legally separated, finding my sanity, and pondering the next stage in the meltdown.

And like a classic codie -- wondering how she is doing, if she is OK, how SHE feels, etc.

I guess I just wanted to answer your original question, IMHO, yes A's cheat more than regular people. I would bet my meager depleted bank account on that one with confidence.

Adventure

Honestly, who knows? From my point of view I cannot imagine anyone wanting to go near my AH for at least the last couple of years, nor can I imagine him being able to do anything for anyone either IYKWIM.

After his mini-meltdown recently when he thought I was having an affair (because it's the only way he can possibly explain to himself that I would no longer be attracted to him), he asked me - "What do you expect? How would you have felt if you thought I was having an affair?"..... My immediate, natural, facial reaction told him all he needed to know - I am past caring...... sad but true.

All that aside, completely agree with Cyranoak - none of it really matters....