rc4dt1

I'm a 34 year old guy. I started drinking in my mid teens and that progressed to some marijuana around senior yr in high school. Then I got into coke and ecstasy in college. So I have been doing coke and E off and on now along with drinking (no more marijuana) for about 14 years. Ugh, just to see that number hurts. I started having concerns that I should tone down or stop using about 9 years ago. That was when I started trying with will power. I would go a few weeks here and there but eventually I would go back. Let me state too that I have always been a weekend user... and it's not like I go for two days, I would start drinking Friday night and be up until noon on Saturday or so. But this pattern on use really started effecting my life. Depression started being something I felt I was dealing with all of the time... Anxiety too. I recognized it but the desire for relief and knowledge that the drugs and alcohol would provide it was too strong. I tried my first AA meeting 6 years ago and stayed clean for 30 or 60 days but eventually got back into it all. I tried to move myself to "safer environments". I have tried dropping "bad friends". Nothing worked. Finally I decided I needed rehab so I checked into a 30 day inpatient program. That really helped me and when I finished I was motivated, clear headed, and excited about my life.

Now, I have to backtrack a bit. Right around the time I started realizing I had a problem, back 9 years ago, I was beginning to get into online chat rooms, dating sites, and prostitutes. Sometimes when I was in a sober period I would rely on this as an outlet instead of using. Over the last 9 years my use of porn, craigslist, and prostitution has increased. Now the drugs, mental health, and sex stuff all are tied together in a horrible web and I realize that I am really messed up.

Part 3 of all this is that 5 years ago I met a wonderful woman. She became aware of the drug use about 6 months into the relationship. The drugs always came first over her. I think that led to our sex life not being very good.. as I was having my needs met elsewhere. Occasionally she would do drugs with me but that was only because I was doing them... otherwise she would never touch them. And she would only take a pill here and there. Eventually, she started getting very concerned but she was still supportive. Some would say she was enabling because I would keep ******* up, cheating, using, etc... and she would still take me back. Each time I would try something new to stop using. I admitted my problem and sought help... but each time I would go back down the same road.

When I got out of rehab her and I were doing great. We were, and still are, very in love and I felt like everything was right. But I definitely had not dealt with everything I needed to. I established a year of sobriety but I relapsed 3 months ago. I have been in and out of the program of AA since. I got a sponsor, started reading the book and working the steps again, got into counseling, exercised, ate better, etc. BUT AGAIN, I went back out just this past weekend and everything happened again. I felt such a string urge to use.. I fantasized about the drugs, sex, and party. Despite knowing that my girlfriend was at her wits end... I went out. Well, now its over. She ended it. She finally stood her ground and I 100% understand. I want her to be happy. Im so sad that I couldn't bring her what she deserves. I want to get help but I just don't know what to do anymore. I try and try but I keep falling down.

My plan is to cut out all porn, go to more meetings, call more people in the program, and focus on me. I just hope this time is different. I never thought I would get to this point in my life where drugs have such a hold on me. After all, I just went out on the weekends... one night a week. I wasn't a daily user. How foolish I was! I miss my girl so much. I want to tell her I need her but I can't.. that's selfish. I'm scared.

gordano

"My plan is to cut out all porn, go to more meetings, call more people in the program, and focus on me."

Great plan, If you can stick to this you will be just fine. You've already been sober for a year before so I know you can do this!

rc4dt1

Thanks... it's just that this has been my plan before and I failed.

I appreciate the reply

gordano

I just sent you a PM, I think you could also benefit from AVRT (addictive voice recognition therapy). I tried with a plan and failed many times, however, I think AVRT is just what I need to KEEP me sober. It does conflict with AA, however, don't dismiss it outright. Keep what you agree with and disregard the rest.

rc4dt1

Thank you. I will check it out right now.

Anna

I'm glad that you're doing whatever you need to do to get and stay sober.

sugarbear1

Have you considered counseling? Counseling along with a program of recovery may help you.

Stick around here, too!

rc4dt1

Yes I am in counseling. Actually just met with my therapist and we are increasing the sessions. His assessment is that I spend a lot of time alone and that I am a very deep thinker. It's true, I tend to put a lot of weight on every part of my life. Like, if I don't work out every day then I am going to be unattractive and unhealthy; if I don't give a good presentation today at work I am not going to be a worthy consideration for advancement; if I don't follow what my dream is I am destined to be unhappy... and then: How can I make sure all of these things happen. And I rack and rack my brain trying to find a solution. All of this I do alone... thinking by myself.

I have a psychology degree so I actually enjoy and feel like I am good at thinking. I like philosophy and feel that if I can apply a lot of the discoveries that my life can be very fulfilling. I try to be very spiritual as well but even with that I am very critical.

Anyway, yeah, increased counseling is in order.

gordano

Just a random though... You and I both seem to be alike. I worry about the exact same things you do, but I have found a way to get rid of the anxiety of not living up to my own goals. Just like with drinking, break down your life goals into daily objectives. Instead of worrying about if you get that promotion months or years from now - just focus on what you need to do today to reach that goal. If at the end of the day you make that one small step closer to your goal, then you are successful. We only live in the moment, and our ultimate success is a result of our actions in the present. Keep things simple.

LoftyIdeals

I have to echo gordano's advice, rc. I've found that, if you can get over the conflicting philosophies, you can use the best points of many recovery plans in your overall plan. I can recognize and deal with my AV on an intellectual level, and use AA to address my recovery on a spiritual level. But, I'm one of those who doesn't believe science and religion conflict; rather, I believe they support each other. It's easy to see once you get past the dogma.

I hope you keep posting. I also think and worry about similar things as you and gordano, and have a history of cycling my addictions to both substances and behaviours.

DisplacedGRITS

Making it to some meetings might really help if you spend a lot of time alone. I was alone in my addiction. It was only when i was with other people in rehab and now with other people inAA that i've found the strength to stay sober. If i am alone, i am losy.addiction for me is lonely. Sobriety is social.

rc4dt1

Thanks Lofty. Can you explain what you mean by this? I think I can identify with what you are saying but could use some more clarification.

I, for a long time, thought that that I could think my way through it. I felt that with the evidence I have that I would be silly to go back. Based on cause and effect the CONS far outweigh the pros. But it wasn't until I started having a spiritual relationship that I felt true development in my SELF.

What I have found with listening to my HP (God) is that I get overwhelmed with signals. I am always on the look out for hints as to what I should do next. If I don't do those things exactly I feel like I am acting out of line with the path I should follow. But it's very hard to follow that path when its such a big leap into the unknown and I have to operate with blind faith. I don't want to get too philosophical but that is what I struggle with.

The meetings make sense from a social aspect and I plan to attend them to get out of my own head and to make friends that don't use. Beyond that, we'll see where their (the meetings and the program's) places will be in my recovery.

Thanks again!

LoftyIdeals

Sure. First, I hope I used "dogma" correctly. I consider dogma to be rhetoric consistent with having dug into one's position (like a dog, ma! JK). I don't believe life is as simple as science vs. religion, democrat vs. republican, or even sober vs. drunk. But, I believe people learn enough from a point of view to either adhere to it or reject it. Once there, they strengthen their position by forming assumptive statements and arguments, and, perhaps, brand their communications with their new dogmatic thinking.

I believe this kind of thinking gets in the way of reality, which is an interwoven fabric of truths, not a simple us vs. them outlook. Religion, for example, gets bogged down by such chicken and egg arguments as creationism vs. big bang. Couldn't there be elements of truth in both? Likely so. Our God is big enough to do whatever, and there's no instruction manual, warranty, or manufacturers specs to go by. The Bible speaks truths, and is a manual of sorts, but doesn't get too deeply into stuff we don't need to know for our own lives, such as origin, where the dinosaurs went, aliens, etc.

So, I live my life as a study. I don't adhere much to right or wrong doctrines, as I believe that good and evil, although of a conflicting nature, are simply opposing forces that develop an outcome. Which is adhered to more is a greater determinant in the outcome. But, there is a yin and yeng to all of life. And it is usually a duality, rather than a plurality. When plural, it can usually be boiled down to a duality. Ok, let me reel this back in a bit. Bottom line, both sides of the coin are created and used by God for His plan, in both our corporate and individual lives.

You have hit the nail on the head when you speak of seeking signals. Most people ask, but don't listen. Your post suggests you not only listen, but seek to discern. This is the most difficult thing in the world to do. It can be so aggravating that you may simply become jaded and just do the next right thing. I think that's the point, and it's what God wants us to do. The next right thing. The stage is not ours to direct. Nor are its actors. We are to do the next right thing in our lives, and God will worry about synchronizing it for His plan. And doing the next right thing will bless our lives with the next step of wisdom and knowledge.

For instance, your inquiry led me to accumulate and connect several disjointed thoughts I've had since awaking this morning. The next right thing was to respond. By doing so, I entered a stream of consciousness that amalgamated my disjointed thoughts of the day (literally) and make sense of them. When we are this open to God's direction, he can fulfill our lives purposes through us. And it's better than corn pudding for us.

I hope this helped more than confused. Keep posting! I look forward to the conversations!