Weasel1966

I failed again last night. I cannot believe day one again. At work with a foggy head. I hurt sooo damn bad right now.

Cousin Sal died Friday of cancer. My brother has the nerve to post on FB how we should all embrace our loved ones while we can.

This is the same a$$ that organized a big family reunion and never invited me. He had people flying in from all over. I cannot forgive this. I cannot. He says he loves me. Yeah what ever.

He is a doctor and thinks a lot of himself. I posted for all his peeps to see that "we should all live what we say".

I did not live what I said. To stay sober. Need to pick my sorry a$$ up today.

I want to give up on everything......

Hollyanne

Hi Weasel,
Sorry you are hungover and not feeling well.
You have to set aside all the family and friends stuff and work on yourself.
I assume you are aware that you are just hurting yourself.
Leave all that aside for now.
You will go through enormous emotional stuff when you stop drinking.
Be kind to yourself and get support from an AA group not your family.

You will have to deal with a lot of your own issues.
You cannot possibly deal with others' issues at this time.
Keep it simple Weasel.

LoftyIdeals

Weasel...I'm sorry for your loss, and for the pain that has surfaced as a result. Family relations can really suck sometimes. People will always do things that cause pain, its part of our brokenness. Our response is all that we can hope to control.

Hollyanne is right. Set aside those worries, and let them roll off your back like water off a duck. Focus on you. As long as we let external forces get the best of us, they will. And I know they do for all of us. So you drank. Chalk it up to experience, learn from the mistake, and take the best possible approach you can for you: become the person you really are; the sober self. Find peace, and you will have the last laugh.

Weasel1966

Just hurting myself? That's always been the case. When ever anyone else is the a$$ and really acting out right wrong I am the one to always be told its me. When my father beat the **** out of me it was me. When my mother did not come out of her room when the police escorted me to safety it was me. When my brother asks me for a drink just out of rehab it is me.

Ok. I will not hurt myself anymore.

Weasel1966

I am sorry. I hear you both. Just sucks.

I will get myself together but sometimes ya need to yell a bit. Thank you for caring enough to post your support. I need it today.

Hollyanne

I have a feeling that our paths have been quite similar.
I can tell you it is very difficult.
I will advise again, that you stay out of family stuff for now.
Please, give yourself a chance. Please.
:ghug3

Threshold

Weasle, OUCH! that stuff feels really painful and frustrating, and defeating.

You're right, venting can help take some of the steam out. It helps to remember the difference between venting and stewing, because stewing often leads to pickling ourselves. ugh.

It sounds like your attitude is turning away from stewing, you vented, now you're stepping back, brushing off and moving on in your sobriety.

It can be very hard to not react to those family things because they seem to keep getting in our faces etc. But one of the best ways I've found to not react, is to choose MY actions.

What they do is not your fault. No matter what they say or feel. They are responsible for their choices and behaviors. If they abdicate their choice and "react" without choosing their behavior, thus blaming it on you...well, even that was their choice.

We are not responsible for other people's choices. I am working on making responsible choices for myself.

I feel like your choice to come here, share what's going on with you and look for support, was a solid responsible choice.

Weasel1966

Thanks hollyanne. I will try to put all that aside and love myself. Just that's always been an issue. How the hell do we love ourselves enough to get better. You either do or don't.

Do I? I think so. I hope so. My therapist said last Thursday that he was afraid for me. Really? I am not at that point but makes me pause to look at myself when you get told that.

I read a bunch of posts here today. Makes me sad I am posting about me when others are hurting as bad. I want to be part of the solution not the problem. But I just need today. When I am stronger I will give to.

I make no sense today.

OCDDan

Weasel,
I think it's perfectly normal to fall down a few times before you get it right, i call it "going back to school" I'm guessing the services for your cousin Sal have not been held yet, I think you'll feel much better about yourself if you don't drink at the get-together after the services, the urge is huge, I know I've just been through it myself and almost caved, but if you can make it through that, you can make it through just about anything.

Weasel1966

Hey Dan. Yes the service was yesterday. I was to drunk to go. I chose to go to the bar over be around family. I prayed for my cousin. He was a good man.

I will get back up. I will. But not without beating the living hell out of myself. If I look in the mirror and see the black eye I will remember to not drink again. LOL.

Time to back off the ledge today.

Thank you for caring.

Nextchapter

Weasel..... I hear your pain and I know how you feel today physically. I feel the same because I fell again too this past weekend. I have to keep believing that I'll fall but that I'll get it right one day. I also know the pain of being left out of family get togethers but I can't dwell on it. I'm sorry for your loss. Wish I could offer advice. Please hang in there!

2granddaughters

Weasel, are you going to AA meetings?

All the best.

Bob R

Hollyanne

Weasel,
I am the black sheep of the family.
It used to be a hurtful thing and now it is a badge of honour.
I do my own thing. I don't go to most family crap because to be quite honest, my father loves when he can produce his "children" at family events and take credit for them.
These are the same people, uncles, aunts etc who stood by and ignored all the crap going on in our lives. I owe these people nothing.
I am very proud of myself and my siblings. We survived a very sick disfunctional upbringing. It saddens me that we are not as united as I felt we should be. It took a lot of therapy and thinking for me to realize that we are just surviving in the best way for each of us. For some, that means ignoring our past and for some of us, that doesn't work so a clash occurs.
Sinead O'Connor is in the news a lot lately. She has a well known brother Joe. He chooses to not want to dwell on his past. It is a public spat. He is a very different genetic model from his sister. If I were to choose to speak publicly about child abuse and alcoholism, my siblings would be beyond horrified! They are panicked at my attitude.


But, back to today.
You must get a handle on the drinking and then, when stronger, get all this stuff sorted out. There will be no progress as long as you are drinking.

No one is going to save you. They can't. You can and will have a happy and successful life.
It starts by putting down the drink.

I know what you are going through today. You can't even go to bed and sleep it off because your head won't stop! Go have a shower and go visit a good friend. Go and have a nice normal human interaction. Today, make a decision NOT to talk about anything bad in your life. Go ask someone else how they are doing. Get out of your own head.
Someone today is looking for some company, go find them. Maybe a friend has some gardening they need help with.

Hollyanne

Oh and get off your butt and go to an AA meeting and stay out of the pub and don't buy any drink!

Weasel1966

You said it perfectly. Just the medicine I needed.

I am not the kind to be self pity type. This last week has been unusual. I posted a lot about family. I am not up to it today but I do want to post about it. Get it off my chest. Never said a word to anyone about it until my new therapist.

Thanks .... Thanks.... Thanks.....

Anna

Weasel, many of us endured horrible childhoods and have struggled to heal and get beyond that. I know it's hard, but the reality is that you have today, that's all. So, if you could let go of all the baggage you're carrying, what would you do today? How would you live?

I hope that you find a way to forgive those who harmed you. And that doesn't mean condoning what they did. Forgiving them is something that you would do for yourself, so that they no longer live in your head.

Weasel1966

Anna. I am well aware of what I need to do. Issues raised there head the last few days / week. They lay below the surface and whack ya every now and then.

The day is getting better here. I should correct that. The sober day is getting better here.

sugarbear1

I have similar "problems with the family" as you. Every time I took a drink, it was really in self-pity. Enough said.

I use the steps of AA, but there are other programs available. Start today and just don't drink until midnight, then start today again. One day after the next, don't drink. Things will change.

wellwisher

Ah, Weasel, I so hear what you are saying and understand what you are going through.

My dysfunctional family was comprised of two alcoholic parents, a network of alcoholic aunts and uncles, and six other siblings. We all were provided mixed messages on a daily basis.

It amazes me how my siblings all went in such different directions: some achieved great successes and were overachievers; the others followed in the alcoholic footprints set before us; and went in with our eyes wide open; because we knew it could never happen to us. (yeah, right).

I have to agree with others here; you need to focus on sobriety first. I personally spent about a year on a therapists couch trying to ease the pain, and being less than forthright about my own alcohol problem, but all it really did for me was set the stage for playing the same record of my pain every night while I was under the fog of alcohol. There was no cleansing or understanding; and my self-hatred grew. I gave up. I ended up isolated and alone for years; my loathing for family and myself, and by extension, to bosses, co-workers, friends, knew no bounds. It brought me to a suicidal brink.

The difference in dealing with all these issues without the prism of alcohol made all the difference, and the good news is that we can succeed, and succeed quite well, in relating to others and ourselves without being under the fog of alcohol.

We can survive and thrive in spite of what happens to us. It happened for me, and it can happen for you.

I personally found the AA program to be extremely beneficial for me, and when the alcohol was removed from my life, I re-entered therapy; this time with honesty. Whatever method you choose to get alcohol out of your life, please know it is essential that you do so. Once we give up the drink, life has a funny way of sorting out the wreckage of the past, in the order it needs to be addressed, and with clarity, there is nothing that cannot be endured.

On a side note, what was revealed to me in my own family dynamic is that my oldest sister, who achieved great things in her life and who had only one beer in college touch her lips and the biggest disdain of drinkers, ended up in therapy at the age of 40. She revealed to me that her personal push to be the best and the brightest and the smartest was the result of poor self-esteem and the direct result of her childhood.

Today we are very, very close and share much more than a constant battle and mutual condemnation of each other's lifestyles.

I no longer hate people, I hate alcohol and the devestating effects it brings to people's lives. I love being a part of other people's lives.

My wish is that everyone who struggles with alcohol finds a life of peace and understanding of self, because I'm a firm believer that once you have that, you can understand others; and that makes us part of the whole.

Sorry if I rambled, but your post touched a chord with me.

All my best...

Hollyanne

Disclaimer.
I assumed today was a bank holiday everywhere in the world!
It is not.
I would like therefore, to wish all of you peeps at work a happy day at work.
For the people enjoying a long weekend due to the bank holiday, enjoy.