mayalewiston

Hi All... it's been a while since I posted. I have now been out of the home I shared with STBXAH for almost two months, and doing great for the most part. I am so glad I have my life back, and feel like "me" again... I had totally forgotten what that felt like and I don't think I was even aware of what a shell of my former self I had become... he broke my spirit bit by bit one day at a time over the 6 years I spent with him. Quite frankly, I have every single one of you to thank for where I am today. It was not until I started reading on SR that I was able to see my situation clearly and go the strength to leave. I'm not just saying this... really, it is true. SR changed my life.

Now, I just need a bit of a vent as I saw STBXAH today to go over our divorce settlement, as we are trying to amicably settle and use a mediator to write up the papers rather than spending $10k on attorney fees. Anyhow, the meeting went well overall. He is still drinking (no longer an alcoholic of course now that I'm not there nagging him, etc) and supposedly only socially drinks... quite honestly, I don't really care either way, just glad to be off the rollercoaster ride! Anyhow, as we were getting ready to leave (we met at a public place) he made some comment about being sad, etc... I reminded him that this was not my decision. He said "Well, it kind of was." I said "no, I told you what I would not tolerate (drinking) and you made a choice." So then he says, "Yeah, I know there were changes that I needed to make, but obviously I wasn't getting enough out of the relationship to want to make those changes...." and then got SUPER angry with me and saying how this isn't fault, I needed to change too, etc.... VERY unlike the old me, I just said that I didn't want to get into it, stood up and said that I thought it was time to go. He then hugged me. gave me a kiss on the cheek (ewww) and told me he loved me as I was walking away... UGH, I know better than to think that he will EVER accept any responsibility for any of this but it's still frustrating nonetheless.... (this of course after weeks him begging me to get back together, wasting our $$ on expensive flowers sent to me, etc)

SoaringSpirits

Maya, he's just grasping at straws, still looking for one last thing to blame his life on, so he can think it's not his fault, that he doesn't have a problem.

My husband gave me similar lines at Starbucks the other day, where we met to discuss our legal separation. He actually suggested that we "sell the farm, the horses, everything and buy a big house in town, and be like normal people." Huh? Booze fried your brain, buddy? I'm normal, last time I checked, YOU are not, booze man!

Glad you are doing well! Onward!

dollydo

Precious aren't they?

Hopeworks

In the Alcoholic Ten Commandments it is written:

Thou shalt never accept responsibility or blame for anything no matter how ridiculous your position looks to the rest of the world.

Alcoholics just do what they do... drink, lie, manipulate, blameshift ad nauseum....

Congrats on your new life!

mayalewiston

So funny as my A also used to say the same sort of things when we were still living together (but imploding as the drinking spiraled out of control). "Maybe if we move out of the big house in the hills and just get a nice condo, etc." When I moved into my much downgraded and much smaller apartment by myself, he actually then suggested that "after he went to rehab (obv that never happened) and we worked things out that he could move in there with me and we could go back to living a simpler life, etc." DELUSIONAL!

Jennifer124

Yep, on the same boat as you all! Getting the flowers, and the "let's just get married and have a baby now!" ha ha ha ha yes, that's what's going to make everything better! Then it is the "you are just mad because of this...." and then brings up everything except for the drinking/partying lifestyle. It obviously has nothing to do with the alcohol, the booze is just way to precious for him to think there is anything wrong with it......

mayalewiston

Thx! Yep, mine told me shortly before I left that he thought that having a baby would be the "motivation that he needed to change." Thankfully at that point in time, I was wise enough to LMAO in his face rather than believing him!

LoveAllGone

I did believe mine when he told me that and we have a 4 yr old son together...I only wish I had been as strong back then as I am now. I wouldn't change my son by no means but I do wish that I had picked a different sperm donor. Now my son gets to grow up with me being both of his parents but he does have some very good influential men in his life. They will say and do anything--I mean anything.

Mine also loved to use that one about he wasn't the only one that needed to do some changing, as a matter of fact, there were some things he didn't like about me and I would say "Like what dear?" and he'd go blank. But after some pondering...he would say "You dwell on the past too much, why can't you just let it go so we can start over?" And we tried many times to "just let it go" but he never showed me a thing except who he was and that was an active addict with no room for anyone else in his life except 'bud light'.