reggiewayne

My wife dropped and absolute bombshell on me last night. She said some pretty hurtful stuff and took our son to her brothers house in another state. She said she needed time to think and figure out what she's going to do.

I know this is a sobriety forum but I just get a lot of good feedback here so I thought I'd post this and see what happens. It's not due to my drinking, she doesn't even think I have a drinking problem.

This has happened before. About 2 years ago. I'm at a complete loss for words. Nothing is official yet, but I have a feeling that she's going to come back with a decision for us to part.

I just don't know what to feel. I have been through this before (with a small child) and it was the toughest thing I've ever went through. The thought of having to go through not having my (2nd son) all of the time makes me want to puke.

I have not drank and don't plan on it. I keep telling myself that no matter what happens I'll be OK but at this very moment I don't really believe that.

I'm just very very sad. My oldest son can sense something is wrong. When I asked him what book he wanted me to read to him tonight he grabbed "A Father's Song". I was basically choked up the entire story.

9 days sober and this bomb dropped on me. Unreal. I keep thinking about what is my part in this. I can see how her complaints are valid and all I can do is work on them. But I don't know if I'll get another chance. Also, do I want to be with someone who's love is this conditional. Meaning, if I don't do the things she asks she might leave me at any time. IMO the things she's upset about might be annoying but are by no means divorce material.

I'm not even sure if we should be together anyway, but the thought of breaking up our son's home is not something I want to do.

Any advice is welcomed.

Thanks.

aussieblue

I don't know what to say Reggie , sorry your going through this .I hope you have a good outcome.

wellwisher

So sorry, Reggie; I personally don't have any personal experience with a situation like this.

Just wanted to let you know I'm pulling for ya....I hope all works out well.

waw545

Alcohol will wreck a good relationship as time passes some stay in it and some leave the only way to fix it is giving up the alcohol one day at a time.

Tuitiefruitie

Sorry you have to go through this now. Just stay strong and take one day at a time.

stairs

Keep doing the next right thing and have faith. You are not alone.

DisplacedGRITS

You are only in control of your actions, no one elses. Do what is right and responsible for you and those who rely on you and let the other chips fall where they may. The Serenity Prayer is especially helpful to me several times a day. May it bring you some peace.

awuh1

I have seen this often. A person with an alcohol problem gets sober. Their spouse starts voicing lots of problems with the relationship. Coincidence? On rare occasions, perhaps, but not often. What I have noticed is that the spouse of a problem drinker often senses a loss of control when the other quits. They experience an individual they cannot easily manipulate with guilt and with the reward of “allowing drinking” as they did in the past. I think sometimes these folks even seek out alcoholics in relationships so that they can feel powerful, or at least in control. This is all about fear of course. They are afraid of what will happen if they lose the control in a relationship. If they can acknowledge this fear and face it there is a chance for the relationship to move forward.

I’m not saying this is for sure what’s going on, but I’ve seen this before. 9 days SOBER and she chooses now to leave? The timing is at the very least unsupportive.

Soberween

I think Awuh1 may be onto something. I know you said she doesn't think you have a drinking problem, but maybe she subconsciously likes you being a drinker. It does give her some power in the relationship with all the guilt you have over drinking. The timing does seem a little suspicious.

Dispatches

It will all work out reggie, be vigilant. My parents divorced when I was 5. It was very difficult at first but it turned out to be a very good thing. My mom got sober and I didn't have to hear them fighting anymore. For me and my older brother it was important that we got out of there. We've had a great relationship with both our parents since.

Whichever way it goes I wish you the best. It will work itself out and you can get through it sober. I've read a few of your posts on here and I just want to say thank you for sharing! I've enjoyed your posts very much.

Mark75

Give her the space she needs. You get recovered.

Prayers that it will work out for the best for all, whatever that might be.

CarolD

I have no experience to share about your marriage situation.
Sorry to know your family is going thru this...

zanzibar

My first wife left but that was more of a mutual understanding, and my second wife left in a whole differant manner. Though it hurts to not be able to help I can't. You display concern that this is not a sobriety matter, in my opinion once you've made the commitment everything in your life becomes a sobriety matter. Best wishes Bud.

tickletoes

That is quite a heavy load to deal with, and I am sure it feels like a drink would help! My sister is a social worker who deals with a lot of divorcing/divorced parents. She talks about a really great class that may be something you could look into... if you aren't sure you should be with your wife, perhaps you shouldn't. Split families don't need to be broken homes. It looks like it is just a class in Colorado, but I think it can be taken online through FACT.

The website is parentingafterdivorce.org

There is good information in there that may help, if you decide that no longer being together is the direction that will be healthiest for you.


Good luck with the difficult days to come.:ghug3

DayTrader

I too don't have any 1st hand experience in this. I got divorced about a year before I got sober. I do have a sponsee going through similar problems though.

I've seen it's damaging to "pretend" everything's ok and not talk about it....so that you're talking about it (well, posting) is good. Hiding from our problems and failing to acknowledge them is an old tool most of us used to death in our addiction.

One thing I didn't do but should have was sought out some professional help. I was NOT equipped or accustomed to dealing with heavy emotional issues. My technique was to bury them for a later day. <-- not a good move.

I concur with what Mark said though... tough as it is, I'd stay committed to sobriety and to recovery......it just seems your card is to also deal with this emotional piece early on. In times of high stress, sadness, etc it's helped me to take "one day at a time" very seriously......and when I get caught up in fears of what might happen, could happen, and so on......to remind myself that I need to be in the moment - the right NOW - and be doing what I need to now. If, right this second, everything's ok.....than I'm ok too. I forget that sometimes. At times I need to break it down to the minute...and go at that pace for a while until I get my legs back, then I can work on moving forward.

eJoshua

RW --

I'm so sorry you are dealing with that. It must be a terrible feeling. Hopefully she will come back and want to look into resolving whatever differences you two are having.

Maybe this isn't the right time to bring this up, but keep in mind that you do have legal rights as a father as well. If it does come to a divorce situation please seek good legal council. You deserve to be a part of his life and he deserves to have you as part of his life.

Best wishes, keep me informed as to what happens.

tallcactus

Hang in there and keep on doing the right thing. Give this to your higher power.

instant

RW
My prayers are with you. All we can do is move forward with our hearts as open as possible.

gordano

I know this sounds obvious, but can you ask her to go to marriage counseling? Don't believe the BS out there that says marriage counseling doesn't work. My wife left me 2 or three times before I asked her to go to counseling. Its taken 5 years of hard work, but I can say with confidence my wife and I have never had a better relationship.

Zakynthos

RW, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this now. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way. It is easy to tell you "stay strong"...just know that for those moments when you don't feel strong we are here with sympathetic ears and support.