EmmyG

I got a text message from my sister this morning. She's at a weekend camping thing for at-risk teens, spending the whole weekend there while her husband watches her daughter. It occurred to me that that is something I would love to do. I have an increasingly-strong desire to help abused children. The difference is, I can't. If I left for the weekend, I'd spend the whole time worrying about my husband's stress level if he had the kids. If he didn't have the kids, I'd be worrying that he had gone out drinking. It's like a prison!

We have a wedding to go to in a few months. When we got the invitation, I was actually disappointed. I started thinking about who will be there, and how much alcohol will be there, and if he'd drink and embarrass me.

I used to love going to concerts and music festivals. I haven't been to anything like that since I got married five years ago. I never go out with girls because deep down I feel like if I go out, he'll want to do the same. I never take the kids to visit relatives because I just don't trust him. When he met me, I was a fun person. I lived in the city, I worked out, had a good job, nice clothes, etc. Now I feel tired, anxious, and depressed.

This morning he said everything will be okay. I said no it won't. He said "what about what we talked about, therapy and some kind of group?" I told him whatever, I'm not going to bring it up again. It will just be something he starts and forgets about.

I have so much anger. I have my kids 24/7 and we have one working vehicle right now. My life is centered around this family. I do everything and don't complain. I resent that it's always about him and his stress. What about mine?

dollydo

You have chosen to live in a prison with invisable bars...that is your choice.

Katiekate

((((Emmy)))

Alanon, counseling.

One step at a time. Start doing little things that make you feel good.

You deserve to have a life. Worrying about him, and what he is doing or going to do is just useless , ask me how I know.

xoxox

mattmathews

Ditto!

What you're experiencing is abnormal for many, but completely "normal" for the spouses of alcoholics. It doesn't have to be this way. Whether your AH seeks recovery or not you can make your life better. You do have choices, although you may not be able to see that right now.
Try Al-anon, the people there have been where you are right now. And the program works!

wicked

Oh my, yes, I do know this anger well. I was also drinking too and he blamed his drinking on my drinking! Ridiculous.
But always, I had this simmering anger, that it was not fair. I had no life, I went to work and came home to drink. I had resentments to fuel my anger for years, my ex was unemployed most of the time, but that was "my boss is stupid, I should be the boss, so what if I missed a day, I was sick (hungover)."
The anger was so great, one day I decked him with a pot! He told me that he "loved" one of his playmates. I was so furious and drunk, I wanted to see blood. That got me noticed by my command (MP's came to the house) and was ordered to rehab. Still angry at my ex, I realized until I acted on it, I would go back to drinking and living that life again. I kept the simmering anger to move me forward, it built a wall around me, and kept me safe from my ex's alligator tears and excuses for not being responsible for himself, let alone his family.

Maybe your anger will get to you answer that question:
Yes, what about that person who wants to help at-risk teens?
Which would you rather do: worry about a drunken husband?
or save an at-risk teen from living in fear and pain?

Beth

I admire your dream to help teens. What a wonderful path to follow and the difference you could make.
:ghug3

chronsweet

I can totally relate to the losing yourself part. I used to love exercising, going to the movies, out in the world, walks on the beach, chatting with strangers, out for an occasional (and i mean OCCASIONAL DRINK), out to eat, concerts etc etc etc. I met my ABF and became wrapped up in him and he really go into my head and made me feel inferior to himself. I now laugh at him when he tries to make me feel inferior and it drives him crazy.

I am beginning to find myself and my strength slowly and my resolve is building again. I am working towards my accounting degree and now I am only one year away. I have been at it for almost a year now (YEAH!). He has mentioned the fact that he thinks when I get my degree, I will leave him, HA !! Really?? LOL. I just grin inside and adamantly shake my head YES YES YES, I will be leaving your drunk, lying, manipulative AZZ.

Dig deep, you are in there. Someone, actually many people on here, have told me to harness the anger. Find it and welcome the anger and bitterness because those FEELINGS will propel you towards a more peaceful life. Don't let the despair suck you in a moment longer, it's hard, I know, but your acceptance of the situation will allow you to let go.

CS

SoaringSpirits

You can.

Your own children are living with abuse. They need your help.

Hugs to you, Emmy. I have been married 16 years and separated 1 year. I married a great guy --- handsome, funny, successful, good provider, social and kind. Halfway into our marriage he descended into alcoholism. I felt so lost, depressed like you. We didn't go out much either. We used to be so social, had great parties. At which my AH always got 'silly.' Finally I had to pull myself and our kids out of the rabbit hole. I told my husband that we'd separate for a year, my line was active sobriety & recovery or we were done. My husband sadly has chosen vodka for now.

You ARE normal. You are having a very normal reaction to an abnormal situation --- living with the disfunction of alcoholism. It is crazy making. educate yourself about alcoholism and you will see you are not alone. This is a very common problem.

Al Anon and counseling would be good for you. A counselor that knows about addiction and codependence. Plus read the books "Under The Influence" by Milam and "Codependent No More" by Beattie. Especially the chapter on "detachment" in that one.

Hugs from sunny California. You are not alone.

FedUpWith2Brats

Emmy, this is the only life you and your children have. Can you honestly see yourself living like this the rest of your life? Is this what you want for your children, and yourself? Will you be yourself in a few more years? For better or worse, in sickness and in health does not mean tolerate being abused by your spouse. And you ARE being abused, whether you realize it or not. Your children are being abused by being exposed to an alcoholic lifestyle. Get out, NOW! His disease will progress, and soon you will never be leaving the house for fear of what will happen in your absence. Your kids will suffer, they won't be able to have friends over or have sleep-overs, they will feel like it is their fault daddy drinks, they will know the shame of having an alcoholic parent. It is your job as their parent to protect them from these things. You can do it-the love you have for your children will give you the strength you need. Let your kids see that their mom is a strong person who is able to make the right choices, let your kids feel safe in your love for them, because quite frankly, you are the only parent they have right now. Do as the others have suggested and get some counseling to help you sort things out. And get some counseling for the kids also-don't think for one minute that they aren't being affected by this. I give you love and hugs in a difficult, but worthwhile journey. You and your children are worth fighting for, and don't you forget it. You can do it, have faith in yourself. Hugs

Pelican

You posted this on another thread:

I copied it over here so I could reply to you without hijacking the other thread.

He is blame-shifting, manipulating, degrading, and bullying you. You deserve better and so do your children.

I am sending you encouragement and support as you begin to make your plans to find a better life for yourself and your children.

Oh, and about this: He's told me no man would want someone with two kids.
BS, BS, BS - quackity, quackity, quackity, quack!

Three years after my divorce, I still have two kids at home AND I am in a relationship with a man who is open, honest, forth-right and treats me with respect as an equal partner in life ( I am 47). Bonus: he does not drink or smoke and he owns his own kayak!

btw, Sleeping alone (without someone snoring louder than a freight-train from over-indulging on alcohol) ROCKS!
It has taken me two years to "let go" of the covers while I sleep. I seemed to have formed the habit of sleeping with the covers held tightly in one hand by my neck. I guess I started doing that because my ex was a restless sleeper and always stealing the covers during the night as he tossed/snored/turned/snorted/tossed etc.

EnglishGarden

Sending support your way, EmmyG.

About the children, by the way. Some spouses of alcoholics stay for the children. But I think we all know here that the children absorb the sickness in the family, even if it is hidden away, even if there are no obvious alcoholic dramas in front of them.

But I have seen another thing happen and have read about it in books. The children become the emotional partner of the codependent spouse (or sometimes the alcoholic). The child has this deep sense that mother or father will not be okay without the child, and the child takes on an unconscious feeling of adult responsibility toward the parent. The child loses himself and any sense of true freedom to become who he is because he has taken on being the emotional partner of the unhappy parent.

It is not usually obvious but this happens often to children in homes of addiction.

I mention this just to let you know that if you hesitate leaving your AH because of his failure to take responsibility for his active addiction which is destroying you....if you hesitate because of any belief that the children will be damaged because of a separation or divorce, just know that they might also lose their childhoods if you stay.

But there is family recovery. For you and your children. You can take action to get help for yourself and for your children right now. If you do, much of the damage of being children of an alcoholic father and codependent mother can be lessened. You can set them free of the illness.