The more I read, the more problems I see I have/had
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 30
The more I read, the more problems I see I have/had
Good morning everyone! I've been on here for 12 days now and the more posts and boards I read the more reflections and questions I have, and the more problems I find that I either still have or had!
I've done some real honest soul searching trying to get back to where I think I went off my path. I know I own 100% responsibility in my choices and addictions, but I also see a pattern for me that those choices came about after feeling like I wasn't enough, or not accepted.
About eight years ago my now ex husband and I decided to try for our 4th child. We though this would be easy since we got pregnant bam,bam,bam with the first 3! Had 3 in 26.5 months! I was finishing up nursing school and things were great in our marriage of 6 years at that point. We kept trying and trying for #4 with no luck we turned to drugs to help. In the same period of time my ex joined a band. I did get pregnant but with twins! I was excited, he was stressed.
I found out durring that pregnancy that while his band was playing he was having multiple affairs. I was getting bigger and bigger as the pregnancy progressed. My body image was already an issue because I had years earlier had gastric bypass surgery. It didn't help when he told me the reason for the affairs was because he wasn't attracted to me while pregnant. Little did I know then how deep he was into his internet porn and chat room romances I guess I was totally naive.
Sorry this is getting long....anyway after the twins were born I was depressed but somewhat hopeful things would turn around for us. I lost the weight right away and was a "hot band wife" again. Going to as many of his shows as I could mainly out of fear of what he would do if I wasn't there. I also had drugs perc and vic left from my c-section. I abused them for nearly 3 years. My doc always refilled because I had other back and neck problems too.
After reading on here I can see where my downward spiral started. But I guess my wonder is was it all because I was just so insecure and wanted to numb myself from the pain? It was easy for me to stop with the drugs(and I was taking a lot of them with and without drinking) and then I know it's still early for me but not drinking has been easy too. I just don't want to repeat this pattern and it all seems to stem from not feeling the love I thought I had. Thanks for reading!
I've done some real honest soul searching trying to get back to where I think I went off my path. I know I own 100% responsibility in my choices and addictions, but I also see a pattern for me that those choices came about after feeling like I wasn't enough, or not accepted.
About eight years ago my now ex husband and I decided to try for our 4th child. We though this would be easy since we got pregnant bam,bam,bam with the first 3! Had 3 in 26.5 months! I was finishing up nursing school and things were great in our marriage of 6 years at that point. We kept trying and trying for #4 with no luck we turned to drugs to help. In the same period of time my ex joined a band. I did get pregnant but with twins! I was excited, he was stressed.
I found out durring that pregnancy that while his band was playing he was having multiple affairs. I was getting bigger and bigger as the pregnancy progressed. My body image was already an issue because I had years earlier had gastric bypass surgery. It didn't help when he told me the reason for the affairs was because he wasn't attracted to me while pregnant. Little did I know then how deep he was into his internet porn and chat room romances I guess I was totally naive.
Sorry this is getting long....anyway after the twins were born I was depressed but somewhat hopeful things would turn around for us. I lost the weight right away and was a "hot band wife" again. Going to as many of his shows as I could mainly out of fear of what he would do if I wasn't there. I also had drugs perc and vic left from my c-section. I abused them for nearly 3 years. My doc always refilled because I had other back and neck problems too.
After reading on here I can see where my downward spiral started. But I guess my wonder is was it all because I was just so insecure and wanted to numb myself from the pain? It was easy for me to stop with the drugs(and I was taking a lot of them with and without drinking) and then I know it's still early for me but not drinking has been easy too. I just don't want to repeat this pattern and it all seems to stem from not feeling the love I thought I had. Thanks for reading!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I think people get to alcoholism by different routes...It runs in my family and I think I was an alcoholic before I ever picked up a drink. I was stealing beers from my dad at the age of 12 and it wasn't because I liked the taste. At 15 I was a full blown alcoholic and drinking at least two six packs a day. I just lived my life with it and it wasn't till I was 50 that I realized how bad off I was. I honestly didn't think I could get out of it...I was scared...The word alcoholic terrified me....Now I accept it. That's the only way I could solve my problem. Do you think you can stop on your own? Do you want to stop for good?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 30
My parents are both alcholics too, many in my family own bars/liquor stores. I know the drinking will be more difficult to give up forever than the drugs were. So far it hasn't been hard at all which kind of worries me!
I guess I'm the type(always have been) that wants to know and learn as much as I can to understand where the problem/addiction came from. For me (I think) acceptance becomes a lot easier once I find the source does that even make sense?
I guess I'm the type(always have been) that wants to know and learn as much as I can to understand where the problem/addiction came from. For me (I think) acceptance becomes a lot easier once I find the source does that even make sense?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Sounds like it runs in your family too. I've run into a lot of people in AA with Mothers...Fathers...Sisters...Brothers...Grand Parents..Uncles...That were alcoholics. There has to be something to that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I'll tell you an interesting story. I know a lady in my meeting...She and her brother were alcoholics. Her brother died young from alcoholism. Tried for years to get the program of AA to work. It worked for her....He never got it. Her parents weren't alcoholics and her grandmother never touched a drop of alcohol. At the age of 80 she was having sleep problems and a doctor recommended a glass or two of wine before bed. She became a full blown alcoholic at the age of 80 and was speaking at AA meetings at the age of 84. If she never had that first drink...She would have died not knowing it. If that's not running in families....What is?
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