Bamboozle

Not sure how I should go about this, so I'll dive right in:

I've been to therapy (lengthy story--there were some boundry transgressions) and have been through the meds and nothing is working. I'm not sure what I can do anymore. Several people have told me here in the internet world and also in the physical world that I need to keep trying to find someone who can help me. I have no desire to go through the process again. I'm still pissed off and am not inclined to trust another mental health "professional". I've tried the different pills...and the last one I was on was making me have some very dark thoughts (although I've been having them lately, too.). I am angry. This never was a symptom of my depression before. Quite frankly I'm a little scared of myself.

I need a break. I'm having trouble functioning normally and I'm not sure how long I'll be able to maintain some semblance of mental stability. The only thing I can think to do is go back to my doctor and go on the very first SSRI that I was on that worked for a few months. Maybe enough time has passed that I'll get some benefit.

Okay, here the question: How do you cope when treatment doesn't work? Drinking is obviously out of the question for me. I've done that before and all it did was trade one set of problems with another, but dang, feeling the way I've been feeling lately reminds me of exactly why I started drinking, and I'd rather not go down that road again....this is so hard. Not the staying sober part, but having to deal with the sh*t in my brain.

Oh, and how do you make sure that what you say to your doctor is acurate and isn't going to get you committed? That's the last thing I need.

least

I have no suggestions but want to give you a :ghug3

Fandy

first, i'm sorry that you are feeling so craptastic. i tried 3 different meds and didn't tolerate any of them well, (Paxil, Zoloft, Welbutrin). i didn't have the courage to try more.

i felt so fortunate that i clicked well with the therapist i met with for 3.5 years...when i stopped i felt i had her seal of approval....when i fell apart again i was embarrassed to go back to see her, i felt like a failure...so i drank myself over the edge.

you're much smarter....i think it's ok to tell the doc about your anger, but also to tell them you are in control of it. you function at home, work and take care of your life for the most part.

good luck

zanzibar

Bamboozle: You sound a lot like I do. I've been trying to deal for 14 yrs now, and at times I also feel I'm not getting anywhere. However when I take a close look at myself I can see slight changes. (for the better) I figure I'm still here so it must be doing something. You're right it can be very frustrating. Only recently have I realized fully that my Dr cannot to it all for me, and that I have some responsibility in the peocess as well. I thought I was trying hard but found a lot of areas where I could be pushing harder. Now I've joined this and other forum sites in order to talk about it more, and have vollunteered for andvanced therapys as well. Another thing I've started is to keep a journal of what I myself have been doing to help in the process. I not saying that you're not trying you're hardest, but take a very, very close look to make sure you are. That's what I needed to do and now I think I'm slowly moving forward. Good luck in your journey.

Mo S

I thinkl you came up with a great solution by going back to your doctor and seeing if you can back on that SSRI. AS far as staying out of the hosptital ; I just keep repeating to them that I am not thinking about harming myself or others and that I know I dont need to go in. They (miraculously) listen.
i wish you the best.

Threshold

hugs, I empathize with feeling totally burned out and defeated.

I've been going through that recently and like you, it scares the crap out of me.

I guess we have a couple choices, we either keep trying, and commit to hanging in there no matter what. Or we step back and let nature take it's course, which means either it will get worse and we might become a danger to ourselves, or it might lift of it's own accord.

There are times when I just have to sit back, sit with it, and not "react". Because I don't have the presence of mind or energy to do or try anything for a little bit. Then I muster and scour my mind for things that have helped in the past, or look for yet another thing that seems worth trying.

hanging out here helps me.

TheOnlyDryPaddy

I'm not being flippant. I have MDD too, so I know how much the lows can suck.

When medication and therapy fail to achieve any significant improvement, electro-convulsive and transcranial magnetic stimulation have been known to be effective. The above is, of course, something you should discuss thoroughly with your mental health professional.

Live

meds alone are crucial for me but they are not enough. And who does not DESPISE going thro the trials of a dozen different ones to find the one that does help?
For the last year I have had a great pdr who also does therapy (twice a month visits-50 minutes) and a case manager who visits me at home twice a month for an hour.
It's been slow going but I am feeling better than I have in a long while.
Support groups help some people, I did not like the one available locally.
FWIW, I had to get to a lower low for a longer time to get myself to go, get up and try again.

scrap

Ill tell u the truth ive battled med for 30 years and have been on over 49 meds. Always changing and adding to. Finally a friend of mine is a neuroseurgeon. And is going to try a new method called deep brain stimulation. It looks freaky. But I am so excited. Ive researched it to the Max and the before and after is remarkable. I'm at the point ill do anything. Ive been hospitalized 4 times and I still fallnback under the dark cloud. I don't have a client anymorenwhat gives me joy. I go through the motions. The worst disease and then my addiction. Depressionnis my first addiction.

pinkdog

While meds do help some people. They did not help me. In fact they made it worse for me. Made my thoughts darker. Exercise and urge surfing are what helped me. Google urge surfing. It's about being calm instead of panicking. Hard to explain. My instinct was to overeact and get hysterical even. The urge surfing changed my life. I hope that it helps you too friend.

ARTEMIS

Thank you for your post-I am going through the same thing and want to tear the hair out of my head- It helps to read someone's post who understands.

NYCDoglvr

I'm so sorry you're in this very tough place. I've gone through periods when nothing was working, I was taking medication and still wanted to die. My psychiatrist then sent me to a psycho-pharmacologist (a shrink who specializes in anti-depressants) and what he came up with has transformed my life. For the past six years I've functioned beautifully and daily thank God I have my mind back. I'd find the most experienced shrink you can. Try ECT if you have to. God bless...

Melbadaze

Therapy can helP. I notice you only mention boundary transgressions. There's a lot more too therapy.

aeo1313

I feel ya. I have suffered depression since childhood and in high school was hispitalized twice for it. I have been on many SSRI. There was also one for me that made me have dark horrible thoughts as well. I get so down sometimes it's scary, but luckily have been able to come out of those times on my own. Therapy never seems to help for me either, but may try again now that I am sober. I am currently on good old fashioned Prozac and it seems to keep me afloat enough. I know there are tons of new meds, but being a guinea pig stinks.

((big hugs)) you are not alone in your suffering.

My biggest fear is that I see signs of my depression in my 10yo and that scares me more than anything.

CactusJill

Therapy, regular exercise, and support groups. That is my advice.

I have anxiety that resisted treatment for years and years. I do want to note that I did eventually find a medication that worked, so maybe giving up is premature.

MrsKing

I have been taking Mirtazapine (Remeron) since August last year. I have tried many other medications before taking this one, and though I have some bad side effects (weight gain being the worst, though in recent months since quitting alcohol and embarking on a healthy eating plan I have managed to lose most that I gained) this medication seems to work for me. I don't feel as though I am 'on' anything, which I have always felt with other medications. My doctor suggested to me that my depression may be treatment resistant. She said to me that if Mirtazapine didn't work then we were running out of options. Maybe it was this that made it work... maybe the thought of being treatment resistant was to much to cope with... but, I think it does work... along with quitting alcohol, of course. I think most, if not all, of my depression and anxiety stems from alcohol one way or another.

I hope you feel better soon... am sending hugs your way. There is light at the end of the tunnel - remember that! What you feel may seem like it will last forever, but it really won't. It will pass, I promise.

MemphisBlues

I'm reading two books by Robert Whitaker: Mad in American and Anatomy of an Epidemic.

I have railed here and in AA meetings about those who suggest people get off their meds. Both of these books have seriously made me question psycho-pharmacology.

I am rethinking the entire medication paradigm. I have been on anxiolytics and antidepressants for two decades. Sucks. Shucked the Klonopin two years ago. Felt much better.

Bamboozle

I don't remember if I posted this anywhere, but I'm lucky I didn't lose my job. I had a little "break down" at work--I escaped to cry and couldn't calm down...luckily one of my co-workers understands, found me and talked to me. I went home that day and then got pulled into a meeting the next day. They gave me another chance...depression or not I have to watch my behavior. I went to the doctor's that week (I burned up the rest of my vacation time) Fast forward to today. I've been on the very first SSRI I was ever put on (last time I was on it was 3 years ago and after that I had to go through the pill buffet line) and I'm doing well. I hate to be such a pessimist, but I know it won't last. As soon as my brain gets used to it I'll have to have the dosage adjusted, add something else or switch to a different med.

What bothers me is I have no idea if the medicine is the placebo effect or not--I know that the important thing is that I'm not having suicidal ideations and my angry mood swings aren't there and my depths of despair in hopelessness is gone, but if it is the placebo effect, why can't I just think my way to wellness? When the depression is bad I don't have any control over my state of mind. When I'm on medicine and it's 'working', should a bad thought or line of thinking cross my mind, it's so easy to wave it away. I can't do that when I'm not medicated. The more time that goes by the worse this gets. The very last med I was on (don't remember what it was) made me worse...I was getting frequent violent thoughts...so I stopped taking it (about a year ago). Just a month ago I was having frequent violent thoughts and I wasn't on anything. That's scary...my depression never had that element before. I don't like it.

I still don't have an appointment to see a therapist--I still have my reservations and a lot of hurt. I told my doctor that if I don't have a therapist by my next appointment that they can help me find one--I don't care to do it myself. I'm not sure it matters who it is...I'll take a piece of paper with everything written on it that I want to say and tell whoever how it is. I can't afford to play games and I can't deal with anyone else's BS.

Thanks, everyone. I should try to hang around more when this happens...I have a habbit of running and hiding.

ClayTheScribe

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, Bam. What has helped lift me substantially out of my depression has been meditating, mindfulness, reiki, taking l-methylfolate (can boost antidepressants), exercise and eating better. I don't know if any or none of those will work. I know for treatment-resistant depression usually the prescription is electro-convulsive therapy but I'm not sure if that's something you're able to do. The one thing that still helps me when I get depressed is to just yes to whatever I'm feeling, even if it feels like it's crushing my soul and often it dissipates or eases.

nandm

Bamboozle, sorry to read that you are still struggling so.

I don't know if this will help or not but here is my experience. My doctors have finally determined after nearly 11 years of things in a steady freefall and rollarcoaster that the reason my depressive episodes have been so resistant to treatment is because they are the result of a combination of two head injuries I sustained, one right before I got sober and one at 6 months sobriety in a motorcycle wreck. People that know much about my story know I have tried multitudes of medications over the years and many different therapists. It finally took changing insurance companies. The one I use now is Kaiser and their system of doctors and therapists all communicate and utilize a more holistic approach to healing and health maintenance. So I have been with them a little over two years now and during that time because my psych doc who does my meds and my therapist were able to communicate and review my treatment plan and diagnosis they were able to question why I was not getting better and only getting worse over the years. So long story short after neurological testing was done the results show the old head injury which helps explain why conventional therapies have not been as successful. So right now we are trying EMRD to help with the PTSD because they feel that addressing the anxiety is part of the key to helping to deal with the depression. If I don't see decent results with the EMRD then we are finally at the end of the road with the more common therapies and it is time to try a more drastic route to get relief. Unfortunately what they recommend is ECT (Electro Consultant therapy) or shock therapy. That thought scares the hell out of me. But the depression scares me more I think as the depression can kill me.

I guess I just wanted to share with you to say you are not alone and I wish you the best. I hope that you are able to solutions before you come to the place where I have gotten to. Take care.