nowheretorun

Hello everyone, my name is Emily. I signed up for this forum awhile ago but I can't even remember if I ever posted anything. This is my first real post so forgive me if it is rather long.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost four years. He has been an addict for just under three of them. His drug of choice? Heroin. We also have a son who will be 3 in 11 days. We were best friends for a few years before we got together so when I got pregnant shortly after dating I figured everything would work since we had both wanted to be with each other for so long. Shortly after our son was born he began using. I will never understand why I can only say maybe it was stressful and he just wasn't ready to be a dad. When my son was around a year old I finally after months of asking him got him to admit he was on drugs. I imagined it was crack because he had used it before..my heart broke when he told me it was heroin. It's never been the same again.
We immediately sat down to talk about what steps we needed to take to get him clean so we could be a family again. We made a doctors appt. and he was placed on suboxone. I thought it was the best thing ever, I had my best friend back. That lasted a month maybe. Here we are two years and several relapses later..oh and don't forget thousands of dollars gone. When I had finally had enough I waited until our lease was up and refused to renew it and took my son and moved to my mothers. My son and I lived there 7 months and in that time he did get clean and would tell me how much he wanted his family back together and how he missed being there for his son. I bought a home about a month ago. I had a tiny feeling he was using again and man do I wish I would have thought more into it. Three days after I signed all the papers and moved in I realized he was using again. Not because he told me, I would find bags and all kinds of things and he would tell me that it was old and that I needed to trust him. Finally after me showing him my bank accounts to prove to him that he took money out..I don't go to Detroit, he knows this, he admitted he was using but it wasn't a problem. I told him any drug use was a problem and once again, we got him on suboxone. Well now he's using again.
I cannot take this any more. I have a child and it is my responsibility that he has the best life possible and an addict father is not in that equation. However, every time I ask him to leave he tells me no. He really doesn't have anywhere else to go and I can't just throw him out on the street. He works, and does go to work everyday but all of this paycheck goes to heroin and then he steals money from me too or sells stuff in the house. I really do not want to call the cops or have him evicted..it shouldn't have to come to that. I just want him to go. I cannot afford to live by myself but I would do a lot better without him using my utilities, gas and the money he sneaks out of my bank, purse or even pocket while I'm sleeping. He has not provided anything for me or my son and I just want him out of my life if he won't get clean. I told him I didn't want anything to do with him anymore if he wouldn't go to treatment and he said he would not go because he didn't want to lose his job. I know jobs are hard to come by but so are two people who love you unconditionally, your FIRST BORN and a mate that was at one point, your best friend.
I don't know if anyone here has been in my exact situation but any advice would be helpful...or maybe I just needed to vent, I don't know. I have told some coworkers about what is going on but I don't like to because I know how stupid I look.

chicory

nowheretorun,

you are not stupid-you sound pretty smart to me, as far as you have taken steps forward as well as a few backwards. you sound like a good momma, and you want better for yourself and your son. I would guess you are learning that you cannot change him, and that you must take care of yourself and your baby first.
I would encourage you to besides protect you and your self, to protect your assets and belongings, as he seems used to cushioning his drug money with your money, and things.
Dont accept less than you want for your son and you. Stand strong, and put yourselves first. Sounds to me like you have done all you can do as far as helping him, and he is not doing all he can. He is gonna have to learn the hard way, maybe.
I wish you the best. STick around, there are great people here who understand first hand what you are dealing with.
I am sorry that you are hurting, and that life is not easy right now. Take care of yourself. And read the stickies at the top of the page. you will find encouragement and understanding here.
hugs
chicory

nowheretorun

He's not doing anything..I don't understand it. I also left out that I am a full time student and I work full time and he has drained most of my financial aid money without me realizing it. I'm just trying to do everything I can for my little boy. Thank you so much for responding. I hope to find a lot of encouragement and maybe sanity out of coming on here. What are the stickies you mentioned and where can I find them?

Vale

I second the statement--you don't sound stupid at all,
you sound like a lady who is reclaiming your future, both
for you AND your child.

Vale

Stickies are at the TOP of each forum section--they contain condensed wisdom
Of SR and have been INVALUABLE to me and many others.
(enjoy)

EnglishGarden

Hello Emily,
You sound pretty aware and awake, so there's no need to address any denial about the damage the addict is doing to your child, to you, to your home life, and to your security. You sound very clear about all that.

The issue seems then to be his hustling and conning you to let him stay in the house loaded.

This sounds like a legal issue, if his name is on the deed. But it is a codependent issue if his name isn't and you are allowing his addiction to control your life. The addict does not get to be the most important person in the family. The addict does not get to rob the family and make the family emotionally ill. A family consists of more than one person, and the addict does not get to be the center of the universe at the expense of everyone else in the household.

He just wants a soft place to land and do his drugs. There are plenty of druggies who will give him that. Addicts survive like wild animals. They are very savvy on the street.

I'm so sorry for your lost hopes. I tell you this, 3 is the most BEAUTIFUL age for a little boy. I remember. Please, please, do not let a self-seeking, self-serving drug addict rob you of this precious, precious, and fleeting moment in time with your child.

nowheretorun

Luckily, his name is not anywhere on the home. Unfortunately, I really do not want to kick him out, he won't just leave so my only hope is to call the police and see what they say but they will most likely say I have to evict him and then I will have to deal with him for a month. I know this sounds horrible but sometimes I wish he would get caught when he goes down to get his drugs and go to jail so I don't have to deal with him anymore. He knows I want him out and he says he's not leaving until he has his stuff together. I struggle everyday to just wake up and motivate myself, if it wasn't for my son I really do not know where I would be. He has been my rock through all of this without even knowing it. He has no clue what is going on and I hope to God he never does.
If it weren't for the couple of friends I have left and my mother I wouldn't even be able to put food on the table for him. I told him all of this tonight while my son is gone and he doesn't seem to care.

beeswax

It doesn't sound horrible at all. I say the same thing before I say "I wish my AH (or my AB) would just get caught....."

But the fact is, even though my AH likes to say, "It's not like I'm a CRIMINAL. I have a job and no criminal record...." What I want to say is YES! You ARE a criminal. Are you buying and then using heroin, ever? Yes. You are breaking the law. We expect and hope that people who are breaking the law will be subject to the laws they are breaking-- by getting caught. It's just so much harder to think of someone you love that way. That's why we feel horrible when we say it. But you don't sound horrible

Learningtodeal

Wow! I wish I had something to give you as far as advice. I very new to this forum too. I just wanted to pop in to tell you that I literally could have written this almost word for word. I'm actually shocked at the similarities. I got together with my addict bf 7 years ago. We have a 2.5 year old daughter and I'm right there with ya hon! I thought his drug of choice was coke/crack since that is what he told me he had done in his past (when I met him). But I believed him when he said he was clean now (hello red flag, nice to meet ya). When I got preg, he started shooting heroin and this was an absolute shock. He's been off and on the suboxone since about a year after our daughter was born. He's stolen money, forged checks, taken my ATM card, and lied to me more times than I can count. Whenever I would accuse him of using, I was a monster for doubting his sobriety, giving him "anxiety" and making him want to go out and use "since he was being accused of it anyway." Most of the time, I would eventually find out I was correct of course and then the apologies and remorse would flow until I let my guard down again and eventually the cycle would repeat. Now that I have a child, my mama instinct is in effect and I just don't want his damaging influence in her life. The problem I have with leaving him is the knowledge that I will have to give him partial custody and God only knows what she would be exposed to in his prescience without me around to shelter her from his "friends" and habits. He lacks all logic and there is no reasoning with him. I finally see that now. But his poor choices, while she is in his care, could eventually prove to be fatal (or so I fear). During the rare times that I've left him with her because of my job, Ive come home to find her running around the house completely unwatched or unattended to while he was passed out asleep and had to be shaken violently to wake up. He may as well have left her in the house alone while he ran to the store. When I confronted him, he said I was overreacting. Really?!
Anyway, sorry, didn't mean to hijack your post. Guess I have my own venting to do. I also have barely shared any of this info with anyone of my friends because I fear their judgement for staying with him and just being where I am. Or maybe i just fear saying this out loud because of how I feel about myself for staying this long. I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. But, the next time you feel like you can't deal with this any longer, I hope you will gain some comfort in knowing that there's at least one other woman in the world who knows exactly how you feel. I'm sorry you're where I am, but at least our children know what it feels like to at least have one stable and loving parent in their life which is more than I can say for some unfortunate souls. I hope our boyfriends get it together eventually, but even if they don't, we'll make it through this with support as long as we ask for it.

EnglishGarden

Child Protective Services can and will take away your children if you are allowing a drug addict to live and use in your house. This happens all the time.

Are you mothers ready for that?

Get your acts together and get your addicts out of the house. Do whatever it takes.

Living with addicts makes us crazy and often incapable of making sane decisions. So I am being as clear as can be: you are at risk of losing your children.

lesliej

crack...meth...oxys...heroin, it just does not matter which DOC, it's just pure insanity to try to deal with an active addict in any sort of rational way whatsoever. love is not the cure, as has been said before: "if love helped then none of us would be here"

I suggest you go to the site called crack reality and read the page called "things crackheads say" mind you it doesn't matter the DOC when it comes to the big dogs that I mentioned at the beginning of this. then...after you read all the things that crackheads say (and replace "crackhead" with junkie/addict whatever) then...go and read the other page "things their enablers say"

we are only as sick as our secrets. when we are living our lives isolated and secretive because we are putting up with (enabling) another persons horrible addict behaviors then we are sick. we are not holding ourselves accountable to our own lives (let alone our children) because we are deep in denial about our situation...and if no one else knows then we don't have to be accountable.

opening up and starting to tell your story is the best thing you can do...admitting that you are in a position of powerlessness over the addict in your life is a way to take the first step toward "a new freedom and a new happiness".

"you will meet many of us on your path to happy destiny"

these words are paraphrased from the AA literature.
keep coming here and posting, read "codependent no more" and perhaps some literature about love/relationship addiction. both nowheretorun and learningtodeal sound like you are about to hit bottom...get ready, feel some love coming your way...you may just be ready to take your first step toward a life without the misery of addiction (yours and theirs!)

Windmills

Can't add much, just wanted to second EnglishGarden's comment about CPS. What do you think would happen if your partner got arrested and they discovered he was using/storing drugs at your family home?
I don't say this in a condescending manner. I came very, very close to the edge. Social services (I'm in the UK) said if my ex relapsed, our daughter cannot live with him. She was 17 months at the time. They left the responsibility on me- you know, I discover a relapse, inform them and leave.. Or I discover a relapse, hide/deny it and lose my child. I chose the first option. We left 31/10/11.

SadHeart

I can't tell you what to do.

But one option is to do the eviction thing. And then garnish his paycheck for child support to help recoup the money he's stolen from you and supplement your income so you can stay in your home and provide your child with a stable environment.

They always will find someone to hang out with, it won't be as comfortable as living in your house, but he will have some place to go. The process is usually you throw them out, they demonize you and spread it all over town how you are sooo meeeeeen to them, the meeeeeeenest ever (they come up with great stories of horrible injustice and spite), and somebody takes the bait and lets them have the spare couch. It doesn't even take these people very long to arrange something else.

Don't worry about throwing him out. And he won't always have a job if he can't stop using heroin--so get the child support now while you still can. Maybe it can work out that he keeps the job long enough for you to garnish his check for CS until you get your degree and then can support you and your son more comfortably.

Anaya

Hello and welcome.

It can be overwhelming to think about how to deal with getting him out and the aftermath; also, contemplating staying strong, keeping him at bay, etc. You are strong and able and want what is best for your child, and though I do not know you personally, I believe you can get through doing whatever is needed to make your home a safe haven for you and your child.

I followed through with having my adult son (19 years old at the time) sent out of our home and then stood my ground when he made decisions that landed him in jail (we wouldn't bail him out), finally being able to make these hard decisions after a very long period of doing (what we thought was) everything we could to help him - help that he did not want.

I thought I'd never survive after making those decisions but I did with the help and support of my husband and others. This is coming from a mom, who loves her son very much.

outtolunch

Please put what remains of your financial assets into a separate bank account. Guard your check book, ATM, debit and credit cards which is no way to live.

Here are some options:

1) Pay him to leave, and

2) Change the locks and do not skimp on quality, and

3) Obtain a restraining order to protect your child, and

4) Obtain a court order for child support


No one in active addiction is competent to parent.

BeavsDad

For your son's sake, summon up some strength and self-respect and evict him.
If you'd done it last week, there would only be 3 weeks left.

feelsolow

I agree with the others who say evict him. You are pretty much paying him to stay in your home and you are paying with not only your money but sanity. Let him go. I suggest going to your local police station and ask about ho much time he would have to find another place to stay if you evict him. He will have a little bit of time to find another place to stay. Maybe Salvation Army or a homeless shelter. You and your child are more important than him right now just as drugs are more important to him.

dollydo

"I'm just trying to do everything I can for my little boy."

If that is a true statement, then put on your big girl panties and toss your abf out, he contributes nothing and you are doing nothing but enabling him and exposing your child to a very toxic home life. If need be, move back home with your parents, do whatever it takes to protect and set a good example for your child.

Have you read "Codependent No More", if not I'd do so. You are, unfortunately, as sick as he is.

janiebluebird

Kick him out. He is too comfortable. Maybe he will go into rehab when he hits rock bottom - and that isn't going to happen while he is comfortably living in your home, with food and a shower, etc. Also, you are disrespecting yourself by allowing your ex to exploit you in this way. It is taking from you both financially and mentally. He is not in the right state of mind, so don't bargain with him like he is. My aunt was a heroin addict and lived with my grandparents. She took everything of value from that house and they never had the heart to kick her out. She died over the past year. In her 50s. Used her whole life. Its either gotta get so uncomfortable for the addict that recovery seems like the only option or they're most likely never going to gather enough motivation to make a change. It is an extremely difficult drug to get off of.

janiebluebird

May I also add to that that my aunt had a son and the effects of her actions on his life have been very damaging. He is currently in prison for 4 DWI's and assault. Make the right choice for your son.