When there is no control.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 20
When there is no control.
Hello from Australia. Different country, same problems. I have been reading and gaining a lot of strength from this site and thought it is time to share my story about my AS and hopefully someone can help and give us some tips. I can’t believe how sad and stressful our lives have become over the past five years. I’m still wondering how one child can manage to turn our life upside down and inside out.
My husband and I do not enable our 22 year son (any longer). We asked him to move out of our house a few years ago due to his destructive and abusive behaviour. Destructive as in smashing up things, abusive as in verbally abusive. He lived on his own for a while (with a lot of support from my parents....food, washing, generally acting as a backstop) but is living at my parent’s house now. He is now happily destroying their lives. We have tried to intervene and move him out of their home, causing more problems between him and us, only to find my parent’s weaken (they are in their 70’s), and let him in again because they feel sorry for him. Police and CAT team have been involved in the past, but of course, unless our AS wants to help himself, no one else can help him. Try telling my parents that!
My parents have gone away for 3 months and have let him stay in a small separate room out the back (not in the house) and he has access to a toilet and fridge, microwave. He has already smashed 8 windows, broken in to the back bedroom and started breaking other things. It makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like I have to once again intervene and told him that he had to be out by a certain date, but now I wonder...is this something we need to be dealing with? My parents even upped their house insurance thinking things would go wrong. We suggested he shouldn’t be allowed to stay, they won’t listen. Do we leave this mess for my parents to deal with as they are allowing him to stay there? I feel sorry for them. They are too old for this crap.
Here in Melbourne we have a support group called Family Drug Help which have some great programs and counselling which we have used. Funnily enough, my mum went on their 6 week course but it obviously did not help.
My husband and I also go to individual counselling to help us.
I keep thinking, if I wrote a book about our experiences with our AS, people would think it is fiction as a family’s life surely couldn’t be so bad!
Anyway, I thought someone out there might be able to help us with this dilemma. Thank you for reading. Sorry for the long post.
My husband and I do not enable our 22 year son (any longer). We asked him to move out of our house a few years ago due to his destructive and abusive behaviour. Destructive as in smashing up things, abusive as in verbally abusive. He lived on his own for a while (with a lot of support from my parents....food, washing, generally acting as a backstop) but is living at my parent’s house now. He is now happily destroying their lives. We have tried to intervene and move him out of their home, causing more problems between him and us, only to find my parent’s weaken (they are in their 70’s), and let him in again because they feel sorry for him. Police and CAT team have been involved in the past, but of course, unless our AS wants to help himself, no one else can help him. Try telling my parents that!
My parents have gone away for 3 months and have let him stay in a small separate room out the back (not in the house) and he has access to a toilet and fridge, microwave. He has already smashed 8 windows, broken in to the back bedroom and started breaking other things. It makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like I have to once again intervene and told him that he had to be out by a certain date, but now I wonder...is this something we need to be dealing with? My parents even upped their house insurance thinking things would go wrong. We suggested he shouldn’t be allowed to stay, they won’t listen. Do we leave this mess for my parents to deal with as they are allowing him to stay there? I feel sorry for them. They are too old for this crap.
Here in Melbourne we have a support group called Family Drug Help which have some great programs and counselling which we have used. Funnily enough, my mum went on their 6 week course but it obviously did not help.
My husband and I also go to individual counselling to help us.
I keep thinking, if I wrote a book about our experiences with our AS, people would think it is fiction as a family’s life surely couldn’t be so bad!
Anyway, I thought someone out there might be able to help us with this dilemma. Thank you for reading. Sorry for the long post.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......whew boy.....this is a tough situation.
It seems to me that there are a couple of things you could do if you choose to:
1. Call the police and let them deal with it.
2. Do nothing and son will continue to cause havoc and your parents will deal with it when they get back.
The first option would protect what is left of your parents home and belongings and put it in the hands of the law (out of your parent's hands and out of yours). AS would have to face the consequences of his actions which could involve jail time.
The second option might wake your parents up to how truly destructive your son's disease has become.
Neither are great options but it seems that there are never great options when addiction is involved.
I hope that you are seeking help for yourselves. This disease can really tear a family up. You, your parents, and your son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs from another parent
ke
It seems to me that there are a couple of things you could do if you choose to:
1. Call the police and let them deal with it.
2. Do nothing and son will continue to cause havoc and your parents will deal with it when they get back.
The first option would protect what is left of your parents home and belongings and put it in the hands of the law (out of your parent's hands and out of yours). AS would have to face the consequences of his actions which could involve jail time.
The second option might wake your parents up to how truly destructive your son's disease has become.
Neither are great options but it seems that there are never great options when addiction is involved.
I hope that you are seeking help for yourselves. This disease can really tear a family up. You, your parents, and your son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs from another parent
ke
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am sorry that you ar having to deal with this addiction issue.
My thought is to just let it be...your parents have made the concious decision to enable your son. Perhaps after this episode they will finally reach their bottom, nothing will change until they decide to say "No" to him. Feeling sorry for them is not the answer, the answer is to detach and let the chips fall where they may.
Keep posting and reading around the Family & Friends forums.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Sleepwell.....from one parent to another I wanted to offer you a big HUG.
This is a difficult situation but it is clear that you have established your boundries well and are comfortable with them.
Hard as it is your parent need to get to the point where they are willing to establish their own boundries. I think that Kindeyes identified really the only two options open to you at this point.
If you are responsible for looking after your parent's home during their absence then I would go for option 1 since you have accepted responsibility. If not then hard as it may be they will need to decide how to respond.
The only other thing I would add is that if you think your parents are in danger in anyway then you might want take some direct action.
As much as we can't control the addicts in our lives we also can't control those who enable them. Frustrating!!! I hope that you and your husband have a strong support system.....in time maybe your parents can tap into that too. Coming back after three months to the situation may be just what they need to finally see the situation for what it is; they will be fortunate to have your support when they do.
This is a difficult situation but it is clear that you have established your boundries well and are comfortable with them.
Hard as it is your parent need to get to the point where they are willing to establish their own boundries. I think that Kindeyes identified really the only two options open to you at this point.
If you are responsible for looking after your parent's home during their absence then I would go for option 1 since you have accepted responsibility. If not then hard as it may be they will need to decide how to respond.
The only other thing I would add is that if you think your parents are in danger in anyway then you might want take some direct action.
As much as we can't control the addicts in our lives we also can't control those who enable them. Frustrating!!! I hope that you and your husband have a strong support system.....in time maybe your parents can tap into that too. Coming back after three months to the situation may be just what they need to finally see the situation for what it is; they will be fortunate to have your support when they do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
You have my sympathy. My 69-year old mother is setting herself up to be used by my 22-year drug using/alcohol abusing son too. (She isn't really 'sure' he has a problem, she thinks it's just a personality clash between him and me. She's going to get a hard lesson in "personality clashes".).
I think you don't get involved. They know what they are getting into, they even upped their insurance because they knew what would happen. It would be right if the insurance company refused to pay since they gave permission for a known vandal to occupy their premises unattended. They are not victims. They are complicit in a way of defrauding the insurance company, not taking normal precautions to safe guard their house, and that raises insurance premiums for everyone.
They need to see how bad it is for themselves. They need to see the destruction and the contempt their son has for them and their generosity. Don't cushion them from the consequences of their bad decisions. It won't help them any more than it will help your son to be cushioned from the consequences of his.
Calling the police just involves you and will increase your stress and make everyone blame you. Let them work it out; don't triangulate yourself into other people's affairs, that's meddling.
You will likely have to protect yourself from your parents' codependency just as you've had to protect yourself from your son's addiction. You may find the time comes when you have to be firm with them: "I don't want to hear complaints about what AS did. No I am not going to come and board up the windows, drag out the broken furniture...This is your party, you set up this situation, so you'll have to clean up the mess the three of you are determined to make. Hearing about this just makes me stressed, sad, and upset, and I have no power to fix any of it, so I don't even want to hear about it."
You say they are too old for this stress, and yet they clearly don't agree. They think they can handle it better than you could, so let them.
Do you really want to enable the enablers?
I think you don't get involved. They know what they are getting into, they even upped their insurance because they knew what would happen. It would be right if the insurance company refused to pay since they gave permission for a known vandal to occupy their premises unattended. They are not victims. They are complicit in a way of defrauding the insurance company, not taking normal precautions to safe guard their house, and that raises insurance premiums for everyone.
They need to see how bad it is for themselves. They need to see the destruction and the contempt their son has for them and their generosity. Don't cushion them from the consequences of their bad decisions. It won't help them any more than it will help your son to be cushioned from the consequences of his.
Calling the police just involves you and will increase your stress and make everyone blame you. Let them work it out; don't triangulate yourself into other people's affairs, that's meddling.
You will likely have to protect yourself from your parents' codependency just as you've had to protect yourself from your son's addiction. You may find the time comes when you have to be firm with them: "I don't want to hear complaints about what AS did. No I am not going to come and board up the windows, drag out the broken furniture...This is your party, you set up this situation, so you'll have to clean up the mess the three of you are determined to make. Hearing about this just makes me stressed, sad, and upset, and I have no power to fix any of it, so I don't even want to hear about it."
You say they are too old for this stress, and yet they clearly don't agree. They think they can handle it better than you could, so let them.
Do you really want to enable the enablers?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
this is tough but i think u need to get it go. your parents have made their choice. this is there problem & your sons. maybe when they get home they will realize that your son does have a problem. my heart does out to you & them. prayers for all of you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 20
Thank you so much. Sadheart...you raised a lot of good points that I didn't even think of including the insurance. I am sorry to hear that your mum is being 'used' by your son. I do hope things turn out well for all concerned, including you, your son, and of course your mum. I particularly like how you talk about meddling in other people's affairs. I have the guilt factor happening in that if we didn't move him out of our house, my parents wouldn't be dealing with this themselves now. I feel like they are an extension of me. It's weird. I somehow need to get over that. Not sure how yet but I hope to get there one day.
Hope123: I am trying to get my head around the fact that it is their problem and not mine. I know you are right, but my heart hasn't yet caught up to my head. Thank you for your kind words.
Hope123: I am trying to get my head around the fact that it is their problem and not mine. I know you are right, but my heart hasn't yet caught up to my head. Thank you for your kind words.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Sleepwell,
Have you read Codependent No More? It may help you with detaching from your "perceived" guilt about your parents.
I have a son who is a 30 year old heroin addict. We have no connection now, because I always end up feeling run over like a mac truck.
Yes, the insurance for damage they know will happen? Not good at all. They are so deep into helping him, well, they could love him to death. Damn, it is so hard when it is a child. I am glad you and your husband have Family Drug Help and individual counseling.
Detaching with love.
It is interesting your mother went for six weeks and did not get it. Or she did get it, and refuses to believe it applies to her. Yes, they are too old for this crap, but it was their choice knowing what could happen. I guess it sucks sooooo much, but they should deal with it when they get home. Maybe then, you mother will understand that she is enabling his road to hell.
I am sorry you are in the middle, but it sounds to me that you are doing the best you can with the circumstances you are in. Bless you and your family.
:ghug3
Beth
Have you read Codependent No More? It may help you with detaching from your "perceived" guilt about your parents.
I have a son who is a 30 year old heroin addict. We have no connection now, because I always end up feeling run over like a mac truck.
Yes, the insurance for damage they know will happen? Not good at all. They are so deep into helping him, well, they could love him to death. Damn, it is so hard when it is a child. I am glad you and your husband have Family Drug Help and individual counseling.
Detaching with love.
It is interesting your mother went for six weeks and did not get it. Or she did get it, and refuses to believe it applies to her. Yes, they are too old for this crap, but it was their choice knowing what could happen. I guess it sucks sooooo much, but they should deal with it when they get home. Maybe then, you mother will understand that she is enabling his road to hell.
I am sorry you are in the middle, but it sounds to me that you are doing the best you can with the circumstances you are in. Bless you and your family.
:ghug3
Beth
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"I feel like they are an extension of me. "
That feeling is part of the disease called "Codependency"...I agree, if you haven't done so...read "Codependency No More". It is a good starting point.
That feeling is part of the disease called "Codependency"...I agree, if you haven't done so...read "Codependency No More". It is a good starting point.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 20
Wicked and Dollydo, I will definitely go out and hunt down that book. At first I was looking around on this site thinking it was one of those great sticky threads then realised it is actually a book! I am looking forward to reading it. Thank you for your response. Much appreciated.
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