Starting again... For the first time

Old 05-05-2012, 05:35 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
Starting again... For the first time

I posted this under the other board by mistake, so I'm reposting again here: So, I've been on these boards before, but not for a long time. I am definitely feeling in need of some help and I feel like I've come a long way from where I was, but not far enough... yet.

I'll try to make this as short as possible. I have a lot to be proud of in my life. I'm a masters-educated (proud of that degree, thank you very much! ha ha) professional, a great mom, great sister/daughter, loving friend, and just a pretty good person if I say so myself. Lol. My boyfriend of 7 years is an addict, his current drug of choice is opiates. He's "recovering" in a sense, in that he's not taking the illegal drugs anymore, but has focused now on taking subutex (not suboxone, but similar). I got pregnant a few years ago and now have a wonderful daughter. I struggled at that time with marrying him, because that's how I was raised: get married, have a child. Granted, I was already preg, but you get the idea. I decided not to marry him because of obvious reasons and decided to deal with the self-imposed stigma of being an unwed mother. For the last two+ years, he's been in various stages of recovery, if you want to call it that. For the last year or so, he's been seeing an addiction therapist once a week and was seeing a psychiatrist to prescribe his subutex until this week (more on this later). Even while he was getting his prescribed meds, he was still getting extra subutex from a "friend" who would give him a few extra each week. This did not go over well with me, from a recovery standpoint or a money standpoint. Anyway, he convinced the doc that he needed an increase in his script. It worked - he got what he wanted under the condition that he continue to see his addictions therapist once per week. But, he continued to get extra from his friend. Fast forward to this week: he got extra pills from his friend and unbelievably told me the truth and said he wanted me to manage his pills from this point forward since he obviously didn't have control. From time to time, he goes through his self-destructive phase that may be caused by his addiction, or maybe his past issues from childhood emerging, or possibly an undiagnosed mental illness (bipolar? borderline?), or more likely a combination of everything. Anyway, he started doing nothing but sleeping. He wasn't detoxing - he was just shutting down mentally. Missing work, etc. He missed his appt. with his therapist and therefore didn't get his script. He called the next day and demanded his script which he was told he couldn't receive until he came in for an appt. the next day, at which point he flipped the **** out. I knew that was coming and wasn't surprised when I saw the reaction. Of course, none of this was his fault. It was all the fault of the docs. He's now decided that he doesn't want to see his psych doc anymore because she's too controlling (and this is the sanitized version of what he actually said about her). So, as we speak, he's currently on his way to go buy some more pills from his "friend" to get him through. His original goal was to find a more reasonable doc (whatever) to get his script and now is saying that he plans to wean himself on these pills he's about to receive with the ultimate goal of stopping altogether within the next weeks. Once again, whatever. I know, and we all know, how this is going to turn out. He says he plans to still see his addiction therapist (but not the psychiatrist).

So, believe me, that is the brief version of the last 7 years. You probably know the whole story without me even telling you so I don't feel the need to go into more detail than that.

I'm now focusing on me and would like to start Alanon. I've got childcare issues during the actual meeting times and zero support in terms of childcare. I told him today that I planned on going to Alanon which went over about as well as you can probably suspect. I'm just not sure where to go from here in terms of him buying these pills from this guy. I was only staying with him and "supporting" him while he was at least trying to do this the legit way. Now that we're here, my natural instinct is to send him packing. But, of course, I'm faced with umpteen million fears in regard to doing that. I guess I'm just looking for some guidance in terms of how to handle this with him. I'm trying to "detach", but he keeps wanting to ask me questions about things and us and he seems to think that all will be well between us as this has "nothing to do with us". I just don't know how to address those questions. Do I answer him honestly or do I avoid the conversation. I have briefly stated that I'm not comfortable with this since we all know how it's going to end, but he just says that it's mine and others' lack of support that is making this more difficult for him. Typical addict - blaming everyone else for his problems. Now, keep in mind, I say I'm doing better because my normal and natural reaction would be to scream my head off and tell him to get out immediately. I've managed to stay calm and I think I can continue to do so, even if it means that I just walk away from him mid-conversation when I feel my emotions building. In the meantime, I'm planning activities with friends, with my daughter, getting back into focusing on me. But, where do I draw the line here? I'm trying my hardest not to enable, but I'm also trying to detach at the same time which is hard to do when it comes to managing the money that will be flowing out of the bank account at unbelievable speeds (and yes, I control the finances - which he's asking to once again have access to - and asking is a nice way to put it). He's an angry guy and I don't have fear that he'll hurt me if I cut him off but the fight will be monumental and will ultimately end with him shutting off his direct deposit and getting hard checks so that he can spend as much money as he chooses (bills be damned).

I know this is a bit of a ramble. I'm just about to lose my freaking mind and I need someone to talk to about all of this. I've only disclosed very small pieces of this with my friends due to fear... of what? I guess of them judging me for staying and reinforcing my feelings that I've been a doormat to his addiction for 7 years and counting.

By the way, one thing I'm having a really hard time with is acting "normal" with him. As if I wasn't upset. I know that's what's causing him to keep pressing me on the relationship stuff and want to talk about it in detail. But to act like I'm not upset just feels so fake and forced. I am upset. This is where I need help - is this where I'm supposed to "detach" and put his issues out of my mind altogether so that it's normal and natural to be "normal" with him??
Learningtodeal is offline  
Old 05-05-2012, 05:47 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
The newest news, as of tonight, is that he's going to buy 30 days worth of pills (at the bargain price of $500!!!) and detox himself from the pills altogether. He says he will continue to see his therapist but refuses to get the pills from his psychiatrist, which is free through his insurance mind you). When I ask why, he says I don't understand but as long as I will support him through this, help him detox, and help him to research herbal detox remedies, he will be able to get through this and past his dependency on all pills.

Now, I may be new to the boards but I'm not new to this game. I know how this will end up and I know that I should not (and will not) help him detox nor research a flipping thing. The hard part I'm having is with my response without appearing unsupportive. By the way, I've made arrangements to go to my first Alanon meeting tomorrow night.
Learningtodeal is offline  
Old 05-05-2012, 05:56 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Katiekate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Yes he needs your support in case he fails, and then it will be your fault.

And if you don't give your support, then again he will fail and that will be your fault.

It's madness. I feel for you. As far as a response all I can think of is I want out.

Sorry, it's not very helpful. xo
Katiekate is offline  
Old 05-05-2012, 06:00 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......glad you're back but as always.....very sorry for the reason. Addiction (and codependence) is not reserved for the poor or uneducated. It is an equal opportunity disease.

20/20 hindsight for me. My biggest issue is and has been poor boundaries. Addicts have this ability to see a hole in the fence and get through it. There are so many issues that are normally "understood" boundaries that, if not stated clearly, aren't boundaries as far as the addict is concerned. Any sign of weakness will be taken advantage of.

Trying to detach without high, tight, strong boundaries is difficult at best.

Like many addicts (including my AS), he sounds psychologically, emotionally and spiritually abusive. It's really hard to stay detached when that type of activity is going on. I can't act normal with my son because there is no normal with him.....and it was the same with his addicted father. They will reel me in (if I let them) with honey and wham....they go into attack mode. And I went back for it.....time and time and time again.

We all do whatever we do when we're on this path of recovery......we all learn our lessons and reach our saturation point at varying times through varying degrees of "stuff".

The meetings are a great idea. It's really nice to have the face2face support.

gentle hugs
ke
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 05-05-2012, 08:55 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
I caved. I told him I don't support his choice and would not help him research detox remedies, but I agreed to control and hand out the pills during the wean-down process according to the schedule he proposed. Was this a bad idea? Probably. I did it to try to avoid the future blame for being the cause of his inevitable failure. But I anticipate that you are right, Katiekate. I will likely be blamed no matter what.I also did it for financial reasons. If he goes through the pills quicker by handling them himself, he will need more pills sooner rather than later. Thus, more money spent. Like I said, still probably a bad idea, but half of this money is his so I really have no choice besides leaving him which will REALLY devastate my financial future. Of course, if he keeps this up it will all be a wash since his paychecks will all go to drugs anyway. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Either way, I truly appreciate everyone's support and kind words. This is such an amazing resource and I already see how wonderful this board's members are, so thank you! From the bottom of my heart. I've been lost inside my own head for so long, I stopped remembering how good it feels to feel like there are people out there who actually do put others before themselves.
Learningtodeal is offline  
Old 05-05-2012, 09:03 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
Oops one more thing, I do get that addiction and codependency affect all people regardless of education, whatnot. I only mentioned my degree as its something I'm proud of for accomplishing and I'm trying to build up my confidence as much as I can right now. I truly did not mean any offense. Trust me when I tell you that I'm just about the last person who will judge someone for basically anything but especially based on socioeconomic criteria. I'll introduce you to a few of my friends some day and you'll see what I mean.
Learningtodeal is offline  
Old 05-06-2012, 06:36 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
hope213's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to s.r.. my thoughts on this is he needs to go to rehab if he really wants help. if he don't go he is not really wanting to get clean. they are the ones who needs to b handing out the pills or not to him. you both will b in my prayers,
hope213 is offline  
Old 05-06-2012, 03:24 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
Yeah, I hear you. He's giving me the old song and dance about being able to do it without rehab (plus how the rehab will affect his job) and how this will be the end. I believe that he believes this of course but I'm also realistic enough to get that it's unlikely and that he's not ready to be without anything. But, I see it as his mistake to make and if I fight it, I will just be continuing the Codie behavior that I'm trying to overcome. There are no good answers here.
Learningtodeal is offline  
Old 05-06-2012, 03:41 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"I caved. I told him I don't support his choice and would not help him research detox remedies, but I agreed to control and hand out the pills during the wean-down process according to the schedule he proposed."

Has he started begging or demanding the pills yet...cause they are his? Will happen, mark my words, been there, attempted to do that. trying to control another is not the answer, cannot be done.

If you want to get healthy stop focusing on him, go to meetings and start focusing on you.

Step one is to open up a new account in your name only and don't give him your ATM card or pin #.

You have a child, he/she should be your priority...not him. He is an adult, he is responsible for his choices, good or bad. Your child will carry his/her childhood into adulthood, why not set a good example for him/her? Don't attempt to fool yourself, he/she sees and hears everything.
dollydo is offline  
Old 05-06-2012, 03:57 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
No, no demands yet but I agree that he will and when he does, I will give them to him. There will be no fight from me. No battle. I want him to see that this is his disease to control and if he fails, then the failure is his. Not mine. Do I think he will see it that way when it fails? Probably not. But, I'm still not strong enough to allow myself to be seen as "unsupportive." and I'm hoping that the small piece of him left that does have some insight will maybe acknowledge that he can't blame this on me and he will learn from it something about himself. In other words, I'm trying to relieve the focus from myself so he can only blame himself. I'll also learn something from this. I'll maybe learn where he is in his recovery and if I should just walk away once and for all. I don't know if these are the right answers which is why I'm here. On these boards in the first place so any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Two more things: the money being spent is money that he has access to from his job (long story) but he's off the joint account and has been for a while. Also, I went to my first meeting today. I feel like it has already helped in terms of seeing that my experiences are not unique, I'm not as crazy as he would like to say that I am, and the support from others IS out there.
Learningtodeal is offline  
Old 05-06-2012, 04:32 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Good for you, keep the meeting up. Hopefully they will help you to better understand addiction and codependency.

He will not learn by attempting to control him...addiction and recovery from addiction are both an inside job, a problem to be faced by one...the addict.
dollydo is offline  
Old 05-06-2012, 05:13 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by Learningtodeal View Post
But, I'm still not strong enough to allow myself to be seen as "unsupportive." and I'm hoping that the small piece of him left that does have some insight will maybe acknowledge that he can't blame this on me and he will learn from it something about himself.
This rings true with me - my AH would always accuse me of not "supporting" him. When I asked him what he needs by way of support I would never get anything specific. No matter what happens, he will find a way to blame you. It's hard to think of your own situation objectively, but I've asked myself a lot if anyone other than him could say I didn't try and the answer is no. I don't think an non-addict can look at your situation and say you didn't try. I'm finding now that being unsupportive is actually making my AH do something to change (whether or not he follows through remains to be seen) - take away the safety net and they will soon get a reality check. What they do with it is their decision but you don't have to be dragged down with him. (And how supportive is he being of you and your child anyway?)

I started detaching by planning my life for different outcomes. Okay, I'm not leaving right now, but what can I do that will put me in a better position whether I stay or go? Stashing away money, reorganizing and putting important stuff where you can grab it if you need to leave in a rush, deciding where you can go if you can't stay where you are, figuring out how you can survive without his income. I'm a planner by nature but just looking into different ways I can go is helping me realize that I'm not stuck where I am - it will be hard but it can change if I put in the effort. It's actually making it harder for my husband to convince me to stay because there are better options out there - I don't know if I want to give those options up to continue the way things are.

(BTW - I've also been with my A 7 years. I'm 1 class away from my MBA- if I can pass this class with all the drama from my AH I can finally see the light! ) :ghug3
ItIsAboutTime is offline  
Old 05-08-2012, 04:09 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Gosh LTD,

Your post really hit home for me. My ABF is a former heroin addict, pill popper, etc etc etc. Basically if it's a drug and it's in front of his face, he will do it.

Now, he is off the drugs and just drinks CONSTANTLY. Almost every moment he is not at work, he is at home DRINKING. He just replaced the drugs with alcohol. I have a feeling it started w/ alcohol and it has ended with alcohol. To be honest, I hate him more when he is a slobbering drunk than when he is all jacked up off opiates. EVERY addiction is really just effed up! I don't do anything, not even smoke cigarettes and I get to spend my time at home where it should be serene with a friggin' drunk.

So, I know what you are going through. I have been there/done that with Suboxone. My ABF just used to *act* like he was taking them and go trade them for heroin. His mom would have me act as the intermediary for dispensary because she bought them and wanted me to *help* with the whole effed up process. I agree w/ Dolly, it doesn't work. They feel *entitled* to the drug. I wouldn't be surprised if he was doing or trading other drugs for the pills for other drugs. Not saying he is, that is just MY experience. When they don't want to go to professionals for help, there IS an underlying reason.

I am beyond the stage where I actually care if he drinks himself to death or gets back on opiates. If he does that, he does. Nothing I can do about it. I am at a phase where I am just MAD AS ALL HE77 that I have been such a doormat to his addiction, and I am not putting up with it longer than I have to. I have a lease that is up in August, and I am not messing around anymore. I am documenting every night he drinks, how much, and taking pictures for proof of the contents of the trash can so I can prove he isn't fit to have half custody of our 2 year old until he gets some help for his addiction. Our son (2), already knows that dad's drink is beer. How freaking wrong is that, and I am terrible if I keep him in the situation. That is what I DO know. I don't know what ABF's intentions are but his actions sure suggest that he is just an addict who wants to be one.

We have to think about our kids, number one priority. As Dolly says, our children will take their childhoods with them into adulthood. I swear, sometimes, I wish the guy would just go out to the bar and hook up with some chic and never.freaking.come.home. Blah.

Sorry to rant on your post, I just feel like I am stuck in a similar situation. The realization has FINALLY set in AGAIN that I need out. I have been stuck here for financial reasons but you know what, I am just going to suck it up and go live with my momma until my son goes to kindergarten and I can afford my own place. (childcare is EXPENSIVE, or I'd be gone GONE GONE already)

Take care, and be strong. Keep posting on here. Don't believe he is changing until you SEE he is. Period.
chronsweet is offline  
Old 05-08-2012, 08:11 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
Yup, been there done that. My ABF got "clean" from heroin by drinking himself into a stupor and also managed to get a script for Ritalin which he snorted as well. His first love was alcohol, then alcohol and coke, then he got off the coke by taking pills which turned to OC then heroin. then came full circle with alcohol and Ritalin. Eventually, though, it was just alcohol which was absolutely the WORST. I'm with you. I couldn't stand it and preferred the opiates! Lol. At least he left me alone for the most part when he wasnt drinking. Actually, it was the constant drinking that pushed me to kick him out. That lasted a couple of months until I took him back like a sucker when he got on the Subutex and I felt like he was making an effort. I had no idea it was even possible to abuse subutex, but boy was I wrong. As far as him trading them, I don't know. I'm sure he's done it, don't get me wrong but I don't think he made it a habit. But, I wouldn't put anything past him at this point.

I'm just now getting my own life together and have finally lost pretty much all hope that he's going to get clean. I'm getting myself healthy for my daughter and putting my ducks in a row for the very real possibility that I'm going to have to leave him to get my daughter away from a situation where I am essentially condoning his behavior, at best. I can't even leave him alone with her anymore because of the fear that he will just decide to pass out and leave her to her roaming the house unattended. I had to take her with me to my first therapy appt tonight because I couldn't trust him to watch her for an hour.

Anyway, every time I talk about him, I feel like I'm back pedaling and going back to focusing on him instead of me. It just feels so good to vent, especially to people who have been down this destructive path. The more times I hear stories of courage like yours, it just fuels me to do what I'm inevitably going to have to do eventually anyway. I hear you on the expense of child are. I don't know how I will afford it on my own, but I guess I will work two jobs if I have to since I don't really have options to move in with someone. Those are all the things I'm weighing in my head these days. My escape route. Lol.

My fear is that he will be able to get partial unsupervised custody of her if I leave him and then she will be worse off than she is now. How does one prove that someone is abusing subutex in order to keep there daughter out of the hands of her father? Ugh. I'm disgusted just writing that. I can't believe this is her life.
Learningtodeal is offline  
Old 05-08-2012, 08:43 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: murfreesboro Tn
Posts: 13
I'm sorry you are going through this. I myself am in somewhat of a similar situation. I would like to point out that most addicts cannot support their habit by themselves. I suggest not giving him access to your bank account because as you said you know what will happen if he has access to it. If he says FU and instead of direct deposit gets hard checks then let him do so. It is his choice to spend his money however he sees fit and as long as he is in active addiction then that means he will spend most if not all on drugs, but you have a choice of keeping him away from your money. If he is not helping financially then although it may be hard I would send him on his way.

Him saying that your and everyone else's lack of support is why he is acting in such a way is exactly what you said. The blame game. He chooses to act, say, and think what he wants. You have no control over that.

I understand much of what you say because my boyfriend is an opiate addict and the father of my daughter. He also has BPD. He is prescribed Prozac but doesn't take it because of his addiction. He also goes days where he wants to do nothing but sleep. He doesn't want to find a job, be a father, or deal with anything else that life is throwing him. That is his issues though and not mine.

I commend you for wanting to go to ALANON. It will help you a lot. I will pray for you and your little one!
feelsolow is offline  
Old 05-09-2012, 03:05 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by Learningtodeal View Post
I hear you on the expense of child are. I don't know how I will afford it on my own, but I guess I will work two jobs if I have to since I don't really have options to move in with someone. Those are all the things I'm weighing in my head these days. My escape route. Lol.
Depending on how much you make, you can get government assistance to subsidize child care expenses (go to Social Services). My SIL was getting child care in a place that cost $200/wk for only about $30 (this was a few years ago).
ItIsAboutTime is offline  
Old 05-13-2012, 12:04 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
grateful rca
 
teke's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, im a recovering addict with a few years sobriety and it took for my family to step back and allow me to hit my own bottom without their support. then and only then was i able to see for myself how badly i needed to seek help for myself and commit to staying sober, all else failed because i simply was not ready to quit, even though i did and said all i could to convince them that i was,. i honestly appreciated them cutting me off and letting me fall.

my addicted husband, on the other hand, had a mom to do those little things that you do or don't do. he did and said WHATEVER he had to do and say to protect his addiction and his safety net. he died an addict.

i have 6 kids so i know what its like to worry about the finances including childcare. social services helped me so much but it took me 21 yrs of the same ole roller coaster ride to see that i had to leave to literally save my own sanity.

i say maybe start putting money away so only you have access to it, come up with a plan for your life, just in case you find you need one, focus on you and let him do the same. i'll keep both of you in my prayers
teke is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:11 PM.