Texasblind

I got sober myself on this very forum, just over on the Alcoholic side of the boards. Now, a few years later, I find myself in the opposite situation.

I've been dating someone in recovery for about 6 months. I have a lot more time than her, but it's the typical story. Perfect couple when both are sober, just plain bad when she goes on a run.

Problem is, she's been going on runs more and more frequently. As a RA myself, I always chalk it up to "I understand, I did the exact same thing when I was active." When she went on runs because we were fighting or some incredibly emotional thing came up, I could understand...because I had done the exact same thing. So I always forgave and forgot and kept moving forward and helping as I could.

These past three runs have been with absolutely no identifiable emotional breakdown and with no fighting between us. She just takes off for three or four days and then calls me to pick her up...oh well...

I guess my question is, how do you deal with being a co-d with an active alcoholic after YOU YOURSELF have been through it? "It" being, being just as crazy as they are now, except you're solid in your recovery now.

Impurrfect

(((TexasBlind))) - I had to turn to the friends & family forums, as you have done. I was the A, realized I'd turned to addiction because of the other A's in my family, and have gravitated toward the F&F forums.

IMO, it doesn't matter that we "get it"...why someone we love is doing what they are. It comes down to "is this how I want to live my life? Is this someone I would choose if I didn't have my history?"

All my knowledge of addiction hasn't helped me deal with loved ones who are A's. I've had to ask myself "is this something I would put up with if I DIDN'T have my history" and go from there.

I live with family, thanks to consequences of my addiction. My stepmom is an A. It's taken me quite a while, lots of time on F&F to realize that I can't fix her, I can't change her. I KNOW that, as nothing anyone did changed ME, other than letting me hit bottom.

It's been a roller coaster of a ride, for sure, but I've finally gotten to the point that I am willing to let her deal with consequences.

I can honestly say...getting into recovery from a crack addiction was easier than being a loved one of an A. I can also say that when I get more focused on someone else, and what they are doing? It's not a good place for me. I want to be numb.

There are a lot of "double winners" here - both A's and codies-in-recovery. You're in good hands

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Texasblind

Thanks Amy,

For some reason, I felt (feel) kind of embarrassed posting over here. Y'know, like, "I'm a man, I'm an alcoholic too, I can cure her!" But deep down I know I can't do anything for her any more than anyone could do for me.

Another huge chunk of me feels like I deserve this. After all, how many women did I do the exact same thing to? The HP is giving me a huge dose of my own medicine. I know that's the addict brain in me.

It's so hard to watch/let someone hit bottom when you know the way out. It makes me really reflect on all the people I hurt with my exact same behavior.

Katiekate

:ghug3

So sorry you are going through this.

It's so hard, you don't deserve any of it.

Please be sure to keep yourself in first place.

much love to you K

Impurrfect

(((Texas))) - I still wonder if dealing with loved ones who are A's are "pay back" for what I put them through when I was using

It may be, it may not be. All I know to do is keep working MY recovery and keep boundaries. I've found my stepmom passed out a few times. I would wake her up, etc. After enough time, I told her "I will make sure you are breathing (I used to be a nurse) but if you are? I will leave you where you lay. If not, I will start CPR and call 911".

It's been a loooong time since she's done that, but she's still an A. I just say "hmmm" when she talks about going to the ER or another dr. to get her meds. I detach, but it's taken me a long time to get to that point, and I can thank the F&F peeps for getting me to that point.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LifeRecovery

Texasblind-

Welcome to this side. I was living with and working my recovery from an eating disorder when I met my loved one and qualifier that got me here.

I was just talking the other day about how the behavior around drinking was in place for almost a year prior to me opening up my eyes and being able to see it. I too could understand because the stuff he drank around, I would have struggled with food around.

I am just coming to understand though that there was a big difference. I was actively working my recovery when we met, during that year, during our marriage, and our subsequent divorce. I hope he does find recovery, but I am finally realizing that because he did not with me is not mine.

I also will never know if my "understanding" and comforting because I understood did not protect him from hitting his bottom. I was the constant cushion to his fall.

Actions for me speak louder than words. What are her actions showing you?

Tuffgirl

Welcome to F&F, Texasblind.

I think what you describe is simply normal human behavior. We see someone we think is "in need", and we want to "help" them. I imagine it is especially so when one has found a solid recovery and knows there is a path to sanity.

I am sure, if you have ever surfed much on this side of the forum, you have seen the three C's. You don't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. That's our mantra, and it helps to remind us of what we really have control over, ourselves.

For me, it has been hardest to let go of the fantasy of this great relationship and the hope it will happen the way I want it to in my head and accept it for what it really is. Man, I hate that part, it really sucks! My fantasy is so much more enjoyable!

Good luck to you, keep coming back!
~T

Justfor1

Run for the hills & don't look back!!

StarCat

Alright, so, now you know what it's like.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU DESERVE IT, just because you may have done the same thing to someone else, back when you were active.
You have more perspective about what alcoholism does to families now, but that doesn't mean that it's your lot in life to suffer through it, nor does it mean that it's your responsibility to "show her the light."
I know I felt the same way, that I didn't deserve any better, that this was my lot in life, just because that's what I had always been taught growing up, not verbally, but through actions.

She has access to the same tools that you used. She knows where to find them. You can't force her to use them. She'll use them when (if) she's ready, and not a moment before.

I left XABF (alcoholic ex-boyfriend) because I knew that he couldn't get better when I was in the picture - I kept trying to save him from his consequences, and I was always his scapegoat. I wasn't helping, I was making things worse.

He did find sobriety eventually, I'm told. It could have been because I left, it could have been because he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, it could have simply been because he was sick and tired of being drunk all the time, or it could have been something else entirely.
I am not the one to say.

I can say that I was glad he found sobriety.
I can also say that I'm glad I wasn't in the picture anymore - too many bridges burned and there was no way I was ever going back.

I couldn't save him from himself, and I tried my best.
You can't save her, either, no matter how much of yourself you give up to spend your energy on her. You had to want it - so does she.
If we could love people to sobriety, just give them the right answer and they'd see the light and get sober, this forum would be empty. It doesn't work that way, and it never will.

I took my misguided energy and put it into myself and my own recovery, and I've been getting dividends back, which is much better than the black hole of alcoholism I had been feeding before.

Congratulations on your sobriety!
I'd say your own recovery, from alcoholism and codependency, is a much better direction to put your energy.