Why do I care??

Old 05-05-2012, 11:03 AM
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Why do I care??

As many of you know the abf and I decided after I moved out that we would continue to work on things while living apart. I do my part, and for all his begging and pleading for me to come home he has not done his part. He can't even call when he says he will. I don't get it...if you want me back so bad why can't you pick up a phone and call when you are supposed to? I know it is not because he is drunk, well most of the time anyway. I don't know what he is doing during the week after work, but I know that on the weekends when he has his son he is not drinking and has plenty of time to call. If you don't want me back why say you do?If you miss me so much why call once in 4 days and spend 3 minutes on the phone with me? It is maddening and what is worse is that even though I know I shouldn't give a crap, I do and it makes me really mad. I'll get over it...I'm just venting I guess. WTH?? Has anyone else dealt with flip floppy behavior like this when their significant other is not drinking? Clue me in, I am clueless!
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Old 05-05-2012, 11:28 AM
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(((Krys))) - When my first XABF wasn't drinking? He was still inconsiderate and selfish. He would tell me things he thought I wanted to hear (and I did, and it worked) but rarely came through on the actions.

I truly hope you don't spend around 20 years with this guy, only to find out that take away the drinking? The only thing I could truly trust was that he was rarely going to do what he said unless there was something in it for him.

It's not easy, wanting them to do what they say they will, and I had to get burned a lot (not just by him, by other people who do NOT have addiction issues) to trust in actions rather than words.

It did hurt (sometimes still does), I felt let down, but the sooner I could get to the point where I could say "hmmm" when they said something and could tell myself that I'd be okay, no matter what, the better I got at letting what these people said go in one ear and out the other.

It made me feel like I was a "last resort" person. IF they didn't have something better come up, IF they felt like spending time with me, IF, IF, IF, then I would see or hear from them. That's a really icky feeling to have, but it was my "norm" for a long time.

It was my friend calls my "uncomfortable comfort zone" and it's finally become totally uncomfortable, though I do still slip and slide at times.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-05-2012, 11:39 AM
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I am sorry you have feelings for this addict, because I don't think he cares how you feel or he would call. You cannot work out anything with a couple if one of the two is not involved, and he doesn't seem to be involved at all.
When I finally got it, I realized I was last on his list of things to do, a chore his mom gave him to do. After all, I might want to talk about our relationship, or problems the children were having in school. I was always the problem chore.
I got tired of being last on the list, and treated like a problem. I deserved better and so do you.
You will get tired of this soon. When you get apathetic, then you can let go and move on.
Wishing you peace and a lift to your self esteem.
:ghug3

Beth
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Old 05-05-2012, 01:46 PM
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What do his actions tell you?
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Old 05-05-2012, 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
(((Krys)))
It made me feel like I was a "last resort" person. IF they didn't have something better come up, IF they felt like spending time with me, IF, IF, IF, then I would see or hear from them. That's a really icky feeling to have, but it was my "norm" for a long time.
I like this. One thing I've learned over the years that if you have abandonment issues, you do act a certain way. AH lost his dad at 12 (as did I--both from alcoholism--which was a weird bond we had)

I get the feeling (with my dime-store pop psychology) that he KNOWS he has me. He needs SOMEONE who he thinks will never leave him So that's what the relationship is based on. He goes along and does whatever the h*ll he wants to do, BUT when there are red flags he's about to be abandoned: watch out and take cover. He'll do anything to protect himself against his greatest fear.

Because I also have abandonment issues, I'll swim through hell or high water to make sure I keep this thing going.

Great synergy there. They can keep you in the wings, fulfilling the need to have someone to fall back on, and you make them the fulcrum of your life at the expense of your own self.

Not much substance for a true, loving relationship there. I must admit, I've tolerated a lot of ridiculous stuff and the only time he ever made any move to change was when I changed: when I started acting on my own behalf and in my own best interest.
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Old 05-05-2012, 02:40 PM
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Krys, I'm so sorry you're going through this. From what others have said I tend to agree - it seems as though he thinks he "has" you, and it's almost a weird test of how little attention (nevermind affection) he can give you to keep you hanging on, to keep you around. Does that seem to fit or make sense?
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Old 05-05-2012, 03:50 PM
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Not to hijack the thread, but (((SoloMio))) - I don't know WHY I have abandonment issues, but I do. I was raised by parents who loved me, got the love and discipline in appropriate amounts, etc. My "theory" is that when I was born, my mom almost died and I was taken care of by everyone in the small town I was born in, didn't get that immediate bonding with mom, but it's just a theory and she more than made up for that time.

For whatever reason, I was terrified of being "abandoned". I accepted the "doormat" status, I accepted the other gf's. For whatever reason, I was absolutely convinced I could not live without him. I'd be a nobody, no one would ever want me again (not that I could even THINK about someone else), etc.

Everyone that cared about me told me "you deserve more than the crumbs left on the table...you deserve the entire MEAL" and "if you spent half as much time concentrating on you, and YOUR life, as you do on him? You'd be amazed at the life you could have".

Instead, I sunk further into depression, tried half-azzed attempts at suicide (he knocked a loaded gun and grabbed a knife from me a few times) to SHOW him how much I loved him.

Fast forward more than a decade. I sank into addiction to deal with what I couldn't seem to deal with. I hit bottom in both addiction and codependency at the same time.

Today? I'm not dating, not even thinking about it. I'm busy trying to clear up the wreckage of my past. Him? He married one of the other gf's, and it threw me for a loop when I found out. Why didn't he love ME? Why didn't he want to marry ME?

I had to come here, talk about it, talk with friends via e-mail I've made here who know me better than I know myself. I sat down, made a "pros/cons" list of what life was like with him. Yeah, there were some good things, but they came at a price, most of which affected my self esteem.

In the end? I was glad that it wasn't ME who he married. The other gf had her own issues, and they were way worse than mine.

I found out about his marriage by reconnecting with a mutual friend (she, her hubby, XABF#1 and I all worked together, but she is a true friend). I met her and her daughter for lunch, and they were absolutely THRILLED with the person I've become. We were talking about XABF#1 and I said "I always wanted to be the one who fixed him" and they both cracked up laughing, said "trust us, he is STILL not 'fixed'".

He used to tell me "if you don't like it, you can talk a walk" and I mentioned that the person I am today? He couldn't handle it, because the first time he said that? I'd say "see ya" and haul ass.

(((Krys))) - I didn't get to this point without a ton of pain, hurt, self-doubt, and everything else that felt yukky. I got here because I kept reading and posting here. I saw ME in so many other posts. I found out I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. I still have a ways to go, I still struggle with the self-esteem issue, but I'm getting there.

I can honestly tell you that if XABF#1 was presented to me, wrapped up in a bow? I'd give him back to his wife. My relationship with him is when my codie-ness manifested, and I've had a taste of what "normal" is. It's not being taken for granted, it's not being "the last resort", it's not being let down time and time again.

It's having people accept you for who you are..warts and all. Example: I'm back in school, trying to get back into the healthcare field that I totally messed up with my nursing career. I've "come clean" to a few instructors and fellow classmates. OMG, the support and encouragement I've gotten? Quite honestly, it's brought me to tears more than a few times.

THESE are the people I want to associate with. They don't care about my past, they aren't going to throw up my stupidity in my face. They see me for who I am today, and how my past has made me stronger. What's REALLY funny is, I'm the voice of reason when some of them have codie tendencies? Who'da thunk?

It took me a couple of decades to realize I really DO deserve the "full entree" and not just the crumbs. You do, too, and the best thing I can recommend is keep reading and posting here. Meetings have helped a lot of people, and I am totally supportive of them, but SR and the people here, have gotten me to where I am today. Pain, yeah...I went through a lot of it, but you can't move PAST it until you go THROUGH it, but we are here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-05-2012, 04:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post

Everyone that cared about me told me "you deserve more than the crumbs left on the table...you deserve the entire MEAL"

It took me a couple of decades to realize I really DO deserve the "full entree" and not just the crumbs.
Wow.. I recall so vividly when AH (before he was AH, he was then just ABF) just hung me out to dry on one occasion and I was just completely despondent lying on my bed for the whole day, 22 years old, and my mother came up to ask me if she could do anything for me, and I just said... no... and she was so frustrated and said, "Christ, you are settling for crumbs when you deserve the whole cake" and then she walked out. But I never forgot that.

Thanks for reminding me of that imagery...
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Old 05-05-2012, 05:48 PM
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Don't get me wrong I am not saying I think he is cured or better or that he is not an alcoholic. He IS. But he is able to go days even weeks without a drink especially when he is working a lot. With him boredom is a deadly enemy. He can't stand not having work and it feeds his anxiety disorder to the point that I can literally see him climbing the walls in his mind. When he is working the anxiety is relieved to some extent and the drinking starts to fall by the wayside. I don't know what to call that type of an alcoholic...I've always thought periodic binge drinker, but sometimes it's not a binge, in fact sometimes it really is only one or two. It makes it quite difficult to get a handle on what he is dealing with, and makes it much easier for him to deny it's a problem. Anyone ever know someone like that? I think that some of you are right about him thinking "hes got me" and you are also right about me not being a priority. Maybe I never was whether he was sober or not. What I am learning is that there are some behaviors that were caused by the alcohol and some that were caused by his upbringing or just part of his personality. His parents aren't bad people but they are enablers in every sense of the word. They have never let him clean up his own messes, not EVER and as a result I think he feel entitled and thinks everyone should take care of him. I don't see it as pure selfishness and I can't blame it all on the addiction, it's what he was taught from the day he was born. It's sad really...he never got the chance to fully grow up. I am trying to stay focused on myself, but it is hard sometimes.
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Old 05-05-2012, 06:01 PM
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((Krys)) - My XABF was an adult child of an alcoholic. His dad was a drunk, his mom an enabler and a raging codie. What I finally learned was that I couldn't undo his past. I couldn't make it right. There wasn't enough love in me to undo what was done.

HE saw no problem. HE didn't want to get better, deal with life on life's terms. He was in his 40's (as was I..he was 2 years older than I) and now that he's 52? He STILL sees no problem in his life (from what I heard from my friends).

It took me seeing my niece raised...by my stepmom (ACOA, spouse of an A (before my dad) and an A) to see that I really can't change the dynamics. I love my niece, but she is 18, pregnant, and has been drinking/using (until the pregnancy) from the time she was 11.

I can't fix it as long as SHE doesn't want to fix it. I can't fix my ex, if HE is convinced everything is fine.

The best I can do is live MY life and be a role model. Whether others want to be like me, recovering and holding boundaries? I can't do anything about it.

Life is too short. I refuse to spend another few decades trying to fix someone else.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-05-2012, 06:30 PM
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Krys))) Sending you a big hug. Hate to use a cliche hear, but it applies.

Why make someone a priority if they only consider you an option??

You truly deserve someone who appreciates, and respects you.

I'm sorry you are feeling like crap. If its any consolation, I think he is acting like a douche bag. Call some friends, it's the weekend, go do something fun. You will feel so much better.

P.S. Get outside and see the 'super moon" it's beautiful.
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Old 05-05-2012, 06:40 PM
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He is 32, but in his mind I think he is 16. Except when it comes to work, then apparently he is a responsible adult. He owes that to his uncle kicking him out of his company for drug use 10 years ago. He was the one person who stood up to him and stopped enabling him and that lesson (when it comes to a job anyway) stuck. Never late, usually early, stays late, works all the overtime he can get, has never once called in sick in all the years I have known him and tries his best to prove he is an asset to any company he works for...you would think he could apply that to the rest of his life! lol. You guys are right as always, I hope I find some real self esteem soon. I left, I stand up to him now, and I no longer enable him...I had to have some kind of self esteem to do that much, now I have to get a butt load more and dig myself out the rest of the way.
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