SundaysChild

I need some help sorting out my thoughts. My son is a 19 year old prescription drug addict who walked out of an extended care program one week ahead of schedule. I have violated his privacy - by reading his texts am fairly certain he left because he was using and didn't want to burn his bridges by failing a drug test. (Two days before he left he was offered a job at the program - that's now been postponed until he can show them he's staying sober on his own).

He's held another part-time job since the fall, and just successfully completed a course at college, and is in the process of registering for summer classes. He went ahead and received his one year chip this week- even though he is using again. He is conning himself, his room-mates, his family, his sponsor, and his friends from the program.

We had set him up in an apartment (which was rented a week or so before his scheduled "graduation date") which he has moved into. The deal was that we would pay his rent, utilities, and groceries as long as he was attending school. We did not anticipate a relapse so soon - in this case before he even left.

I understand that this is his problem - not mine- and I don't have all the facts. My inclination is that as long as he is meeting his work and school commitments successfully, then we continue to support him. He'll either get back on track- or he won't. If he doesn't, he'll spiral down, use the rent money for drugs, and stop going to school...and then things will be clear.

My question is whether or not this is enabling -- or is it minding our own business? If I hadn't snooped (which is bad behavior on my part, I know), I would think he was doing well.

outtolunch

He left the program before it concluded which told you loud and clear, he is not doing well. Given you are financing his entire life you have a reasonable basis to know the score.

Sober living enviornments can and do provide an appropriate structure for recovery. Some insist on spontaneous drug testing too. That might be a better enviornment for him than his own apartment where he is not accountable to anyone.

He is considered an adult by law and is living his life as he sees fit to do. It is your choice to finance it or not. I am unaware of anyone achieving recovery who has not experienced the consequences of addiction.

cc88

You made an agreement that he would complete something, and therefore gain something from you in the end. He completed a PART, dropped out, and is still being rewarded as if he finished.

He has learned he can use AND have your financial support at the same time.

I dont know how him using the money for drugs and spiraling out would be any more clear than leaving treatment before it was done. It should be crystal clear already

Heartbroken0608

I agree. Although you snooped to find out he's still using you still found out so I think you need to provide some consequences. I've been in the situation where I knew things weren't right but I hoped if I just pretended nothing was wrong the problem would work itself out. It never worked for me and I haven't heard of it work

hope213

welcome to S.R. when u make rules or regulation you stick to them. with an addict you have to snoop sometimes if u want to know the truth even tho his addiction is his problem. addicts lie to get what they want. your son is not doing good. he is using & he is lying. he is an addict & it takes time to trust him. they have to earn it by staying clean & sober & doing all the right things. i am sorry he has disappointed you again. prayers for u both.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us. You wll find compassion, empathy and some straight talk here.

I have enabled my AS (addicted son) thousands of times. I have had a terrible time with strong, consistent boundaries. When I found myself asking if something I was doing was enabling or supporting, it was usuallly enabling.

One of the things I have found helpful is to ask myself a different question. Am I doing something for him that relieves my own discomfort with his current situation? The answer to that question is often very clear. And if the answer was yes.....it's enabling.

gentle hugs
ke

SundaysChild

A little clarity about the college situation- the expectation is that he will be a full time student. The one course was taken while he was in the program - on top of a 40 hour a week volunteer committment and a part time job...so we are not footing the bill while he takes one course. We decided to treat him as we did his sisters who were away at college, and although we expected he would stay until the move out date we had paid through at the extended care program, we didn't say we wouldn't support him if he left early. We did not say "if you leave early, the deal's off."...because we never thought it would happen. Hence the dilemma. We had just told him that as long as he was successful in school, we would cover rent, utilities and $300 a month for groceries. Foolish, I know- but at the point we said this,

I agree a sober living environment would be better - but the counselors at the treatment program he left said they were not recommending that for him- so we agreed to their recommendation which was an apartment with two other guys in recovery. He signed a year's lease.

We have paid through May 31 already...so no decisions need to be made today. I appreciate your input and could use your prayers, as my heart tells me we will need them.

dollydo

At any time, you have the right to change your mind.

Don't expect anything from an addict and you will never be disappointed, addicts are incapable of keeping committments.

What exactly are your bounderies with him? Have you been to any Naranon meetings? I certainly would suggest that you hop on the recovery train, we enablers/codependents become as sick or sicker than the addict themselves.

KelleyF

My definition of enabling is helping someone self-destruct. *I personally have the view that people in 'recovery' can benefit from the help of loves ones as they try to make their way back to a 'normal' life.*
Your son is only 19, so in my opinion your offer to provide him with financial assistance and a place to live while he goes to school, and meets other agreed upon requirements is acceptable. *(also very common from my experience; and personally I would *encourage his being out of student housing as regardless of rules; those environments are usually party atmospheres).

I can't say if leaving one week early from extended stay is a deal breaker; Or if there is sufficient evidence from reading the text messages to make a clear cut determination; I think that is up to you. *

People do slip and get back on track if they are focused and have the desire. *Otherwise most likely a downward descent will become apparent.*

I will keep you, and your son in my prayers...
Best to all of you ~

SundaysChild

Dollydo, I have been going to AlAnon meetings regularly for the past year- since he has been in treatment. It was very easy for me to "let go" when I knew there was a case manager monitoring him, lol...now is when the real test of my recovery starts. The "snooping" was my relapse.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers.

dollydo

"The "snooping" was my relapse."

Been there, done that.

I am glad that you are going to meetings, keep attending.

Sending support your way.

Vale

The one thing you will NOT find on SR is harsh judgement.
It is NOT easy dealing with addiction AT ALL!
Like is said around here all the time-- if love and care
could cure them .....then none of us would be here.
The very best of luck.We all understand--- we all have
been there.

JMFburns

SundaysChild,

I just wanted to welcome you to SR as well.

I also want to say that you have a right to change your mind about what you will or won't do at any time. Also, just because you didn't say every teeny, tiny stipulation about something doesn't mean you have to continue to pay . . . if you don't feel good about where he's at, what he's doing, etc., you don't have to pay for his living arrangements. I talked myself into enabling my son for way too long because it was easier than saying "no".

Good luck and you are in my thoughts.

SundaysChild

Thanks to everyone for your advice and support. For now, we're going to keep up with our bargain, and support him the way we did our two daughters.

He is making it to work every morning by 8, attending class, and going to meetings. While I am 95% sure he has slipped, I don't know to what extent - or how he's struggling with it.

So, I'll focus on releasing him to his higher power, and do my part to try to treat him as a responsible young adult...but be prepared to hold to the boundaries (even if they are looser than they should have been) that I set.

Everything subject to change.

Thanks.