Can someone help point me in the right direction

Old 05-04-2012, 01:01 PM
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Can someone help point me in the right direction

Hi there - First time posting and just hoping someone can give me some ideas on what to do next. My Mom has been drinking for the past year +. She has chronic, debilitating pain and takes occasional narcotics, sleeping pills, and wears a pain patch (opiates) that is maximum strength. She is very depressed, sleeps most of the time, and when something sets her off, she drinks. She doesn't drink everyday, but when she does, she ends up passed out and sometimes sleeps for a couple of days straight. I think when she gets drunk, she takes more drugs.

I am not sure what to do. I don't live in the same state as she does and when I was home last week, she asked for help. She said she wanted to try therapy locally before she went to a treatment center but the first 2 therapist we called were booked for a month. I don't know who to call. Now that I am gone, she hasn't called anyone else and she insist on making the appointment herself. She had another 'episode' a few days ago and I don't want this to keep going on.

She said she is willing to visit John Hopkins pain treatment center but it requires a form to be filled out and medical reports to be sent. She just isn't being proactive and my Dad, who lives with her, is not either. He is in total denial there is a serious problem.

Any ideas on what my next steps should be? Should we just keep calling therapist? My Mom doesn't want to call someone that isn't recommended but we have to do something. Would AA meetings be appropriate? I don't know if she will go, but I can mention it.

Thanks so much for your time!
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Old 05-04-2012, 03:03 PM
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Well what kind of therapists? It is common for some therapists to be booked for months at a time. Also would probably be better if she detoxed before seeing a general therapist.
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Old 05-04-2012, 04:52 PM
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Hello growlove, Welcome to SR!

It's so sad when someone we love is so self destructive and know there is nothing we can really do to help them. The person who sent me looking for help on the internet one night is my stepson. So I do not have any personal experience with a parent to share, but I can share with you one very important concept, the 3C's:

I did not cause the addiction.
I cannot control the addict.
I cannot cure the addict.

Equally freeing and frustrating concept to think about at first. Essentially what it means is that you cannot make your mother get help for herself. The very sad truth is that no amount of begging, pleading, threating, or coercion is going to make her stop drinking or abusing pain medicine. Sobriety is something she will have to want more than anything else, and she will have to do the work to get there.

AA might be useful for her or counseling, too. There are many paths to recovery. But even if you were in the same state, you could not make her go to meetings or appointments, I'm sorry to say.

I can tell you that we can be happy again regardless of whether or not our loved one's are drinking. I hope you will stick around and read all you can. There is some really wonderful, basic information contained in the "stickies" at the top of the forum. Please make yourself at home here. You are among people who completely understand.

HG
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Old 05-05-2012, 08:47 AM
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Hydrogirl says it all. I'm sorry for your worry for your mother. She is addicted to drugs and alcohol, and your father is in denial. It is tragic, and an increasing problem in this country.

My guess is that at some point her addiction will send her to the emergency room. Your father will likely call you for support.

To prepare for that day, you can begin now to thoroughly educate yourself on the right and the wrong things families of addiction do, so you can make good choices to not enable her or allow her addiction to manipulate you or control your life. You can have a prepared list of local resources--AA meetings list, rehabs, and addiction specialists in her area to pass along to her and to your father, when she is serious about getting help (going to therapy, as she is now inclined to do, is generally just a way for an addict to keep the family off her back and allow her to avoid the hard work of achieving sobriety). Boundaries and information are really all you can do to help. And generally people don't want information unless they've asked for it. You indicate she has opened a small door to getting well. But, as addicts often do, she has closed it up again.

Usually it takes a crisis to motivate an addict to get clean and usually it takes a series of crises. Each one is an opportunity and the family should not try to prevent any crisis, and should intervene only if the addict's life is in imminent danger. Your mother is taking a drug cocktail and should not go cold turkey without a doctor's supervision, as the sudden withdrawal from many drugs can be very very dangerous.

Your mother and your father are both adults and they will make their own choices. It will be painful for you if those choices hurt them. Please know they are free to live their lives however they wish, as are you. Trying to control their lives and choices will create pain and stress in you and with no positive outcome toward solving the problem she has.

Your library will have many books on family addiction and Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings are always available. We hope also you will post at SR anytime you need support. Wishing you peace of mind and good self-care.

The Sticky links on the opening page will lead you to further reading.
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Old 05-06-2012, 08:54 AM
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Welcome growlove.

I went through a similar situation as yours with my Mom although My Dad wasn't in denial. The difference for me was my Mom didn't want any help with her problems, and we struggled with that.

I would think it would be best for her to bring in the medical profession considering the amount of narcotics she is taking combined with drinking...I think detox would need to be closely monitored. Anyway, just my 2 cents.

What can you do? Be there, tell her you love her, and will do what you can, but know ultimately the decisions is hers to make.

Take good care,
~T
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