I feel like I've lost everything
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: California
Posts: 7
I feel like I've lost everything
Well, I'm here because I don't really feel comfortable going to an AA meeting and facing a bunch of strangers where I'm going to be emotionally vulnerable and break down in front of everyone. At least behind a computer, no one can see me crying.
I've been heavily drinking for the last 6 1/2 years with my boyfriend of 7 years.. Well, ex boyfriend now.. As of yesterday he has broken up with me because of my drinking.
I don't know how or why we started.. Boredom? It was fun at first, coming home from work every night and having some drinks. But what started as a few shots a night, quickly turned into us drinking an entire bottle of vodka. Every night. I noticed the uptick in the drinking when things became financially tough or when we were having other issues in our relationship.
Then, we started fighting while drinking and I don't remember when, but I started to get physically violent. Throwing things at him.. which progressed to me pulling his hair on a couple of occasions....and recently I punched him among other things. I know that it is my fault for not controlling myself when he provokes me, but I also feel he should know to back off if he sees me getting angry while we have a fight.
I lost my job a year ago today actually and I have been on unemployment and looking for work since. But I've also been drinking more in that time, and him as well. He comes home from work, I go to the store, come back and we drink. It's been the routine every night for years now but since last year it's just been a lot worse.
He has given me many chances to correct this behavior and to control myself. I'll do good for a while, but then when things are really stressful, I lose it. I've never really tried to stop drinking before.. Ok, one time I did, for a month.. and I don't know why I went back, but now I need to really do it and make it permanent. I know I cannot drink like the normal person. I get too emotional. Instead of drowning the problems, I've been making them worse and now I've lost everything that means the most to me. I've also become dangerous to myself when I drink, and I've read the sticky about suicide stuff, so I won't go into that, but I have threatened it many times to him if he leaves me. I've even threatened to kill him. The thing is, I don't remember much of what I do, because I black out and I hear about it from him the next day.
We were supposed to move in 4 days as well, and I cannot afford the rent on my own, yet I've paid for the month already and I'm SOL of a lot of money right now. My plan is to move back home with my parents, at 31 years old. I am so embarrassed. (but I am hoping that maybe he will see the light and give me another chance to really prove myself and get sober) I know this is all my fault. I don't want him to give up on me. I feel that if he does, why should I even try and fight this? I don't know if I can do this without him by my side. He's my life. We've built a life together that I've destroyed. I feel so broken inside and I don't know if I can fix it this time.
Even if he does give me another chance, which doesn't look likely right now, he does not seem to have the drinking problem I do. He can control himself. It seems to be me that starts the fights, so I don't think it's fair for me to ask him to stop drinking if we remain together, but I worry about how I could stay sober with that temptation around. I'm very impulsive.
I just don't know what to do right now. I feel paralyzed and frozen. Scared. When I'm scared I turn to the bottle, and that's not an option for me anymore. So much upheaval in my life right now and I have no clue how I'm going to handle any of this.
I've been heavily drinking for the last 6 1/2 years with my boyfriend of 7 years.. Well, ex boyfriend now.. As of yesterday he has broken up with me because of my drinking.
I don't know how or why we started.. Boredom? It was fun at first, coming home from work every night and having some drinks. But what started as a few shots a night, quickly turned into us drinking an entire bottle of vodka. Every night. I noticed the uptick in the drinking when things became financially tough or when we were having other issues in our relationship.
Then, we started fighting while drinking and I don't remember when, but I started to get physically violent. Throwing things at him.. which progressed to me pulling his hair on a couple of occasions....and recently I punched him among other things. I know that it is my fault for not controlling myself when he provokes me, but I also feel he should know to back off if he sees me getting angry while we have a fight.
I lost my job a year ago today actually and I have been on unemployment and looking for work since. But I've also been drinking more in that time, and him as well. He comes home from work, I go to the store, come back and we drink. It's been the routine every night for years now but since last year it's just been a lot worse.
He has given me many chances to correct this behavior and to control myself. I'll do good for a while, but then when things are really stressful, I lose it. I've never really tried to stop drinking before.. Ok, one time I did, for a month.. and I don't know why I went back, but now I need to really do it and make it permanent. I know I cannot drink like the normal person. I get too emotional. Instead of drowning the problems, I've been making them worse and now I've lost everything that means the most to me. I've also become dangerous to myself when I drink, and I've read the sticky about suicide stuff, so I won't go into that, but I have threatened it many times to him if he leaves me. I've even threatened to kill him. The thing is, I don't remember much of what I do, because I black out and I hear about it from him the next day.
We were supposed to move in 4 days as well, and I cannot afford the rent on my own, yet I've paid for the month already and I'm SOL of a lot of money right now. My plan is to move back home with my parents, at 31 years old. I am so embarrassed. (but I am hoping that maybe he will see the light and give me another chance to really prove myself and get sober) I know this is all my fault. I don't want him to give up on me. I feel that if he does, why should I even try and fight this? I don't know if I can do this without him by my side. He's my life. We've built a life together that I've destroyed. I feel so broken inside and I don't know if I can fix it this time.
Even if he does give me another chance, which doesn't look likely right now, he does not seem to have the drinking problem I do. He can control himself. It seems to be me that starts the fights, so I don't think it's fair for me to ask him to stop drinking if we remain together, but I worry about how I could stay sober with that temptation around. I'm very impulsive.
I just don't know what to do right now. I feel paralyzed and frozen. Scared. When I'm scared I turn to the bottle, and that's not an option for me anymore. So much upheaval in my life right now and I have no clue how I'm going to handle any of this.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
My husband stopped drinking when we decided that i had a problem. It was his way of showing support for me. At the very least, your boyfriend should abstain from drinking around you.
I would really consider going to an AA meeting. It's not like they've never seen a newbie cry and you probably need to get out of your comfort zone for any real change to happen. As it is, you're still just hiding from your problems. I'm glad you found this place. Welcome to SR. It's definitely better than nothing.
I would really consider going to an AA meeting. It's not like they've never seen a newbie cry and you probably need to get out of your comfort zone for any real change to happen. As it is, you're still just hiding from your problems. I'm glad you found this place. Welcome to SR. It's definitely better than nothing.
New beginnings are the best!
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 124
Hi there Need2getsober,
My name is Abby. Thank you for posting here, and I am so glad you've joined this support group. I have been an alcoholic for about 8 years now, since I was 16 years old. I'm 24, and I just decided yesterday to get my life back by giving up the drink. I wanted to let you know that I am here to support you, and that we can talk, via private message, any time!
I wanted to ask you though: You said that you AND your boyfriend have been drinking together for 7 years. Why then did he leave YOU for you drinking habits? Does he just not act the way you do when you two drink? If so, I can very much relate to this kind of relationship, and the fighting/violence. It all seems so familar.
Anyway, if you'd like... stay in touch! I can share with you what I have been doing (since yesterday lol) to work on ways of rebuilding my life, one step at a time. I have plans to attend AA meetings soon, though I know that's not something you feel comfortable doing (yet?). Know there is hope! There are so many inspirational videos on youtube, as well. And websites with pretty, inspiring banners and quotes to keep on your PC as a reminder to stay sober and stay positive!
With much love and understanding,
Abby
My name is Abby. Thank you for posting here, and I am so glad you've joined this support group. I have been an alcoholic for about 8 years now, since I was 16 years old. I'm 24, and I just decided yesterday to get my life back by giving up the drink. I wanted to let you know that I am here to support you, and that we can talk, via private message, any time!
I wanted to ask you though: You said that you AND your boyfriend have been drinking together for 7 years. Why then did he leave YOU for you drinking habits? Does he just not act the way you do when you two drink? If so, I can very much relate to this kind of relationship, and the fighting/violence. It all seems so familar.
Anyway, if you'd like... stay in touch! I can share with you what I have been doing (since yesterday lol) to work on ways of rebuilding my life, one step at a time. I have plans to attend AA meetings soon, though I know that's not something you feel comfortable doing (yet?). Know there is hope! There are so many inspirational videos on youtube, as well. And websites with pretty, inspiring banners and quotes to keep on your PC as a reminder to stay sober and stay positive!
With much love and understanding,
Abby
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
Hello and welcome! Many people on this site have had very similar experiences to your own... it's a good place to open up... you will definately receive a lot of support!
It sounds like you really want to get back together with your ex bf? You want to be sober so that he will take you back. One thing that I've learned that trying to get sober for other people doesn't work for me... I have to do it for myself. I hope that you decide to do it for yourself and not for someone else. Once you help yourself out automatically others around you will be helped as well.
Coming up with a plan to not drink is really important in my opinion. Posting here is great! You are moving back home... have you told your parents about your problem with alcohol? There are other methods as well... AA, AVRT, RR, church, therapists, Doctors. If you were drinking a bottle of vodka a day I suggest checking in with a doctor and they can definately help you quitting! Take care and I look forward to hearing more from you!
It sounds like you really want to get back together with your ex bf? You want to be sober so that he will take you back. One thing that I've learned that trying to get sober for other people doesn't work for me... I have to do it for myself. I hope that you decide to do it for yourself and not for someone else. Once you help yourself out automatically others around you will be helped as well.
Coming up with a plan to not drink is really important in my opinion. Posting here is great! You are moving back home... have you told your parents about your problem with alcohol? There are other methods as well... AA, AVRT, RR, church, therapists, Doctors. If you were drinking a bottle of vodka a day I suggest checking in with a doctor and they can definately help you quitting! Take care and I look forward to hearing more from you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: California
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by DisplacedGRITS 
My husband stopped drinking when we decided that i had a problem. It was his way of showing support for me. At the very least, your boyfriend should abstain from drinking around you.
I would really consider going to an AA meeting. It's not like they've never seen a newbie cry and you probably need to get out of your comfort zone for any real change to happen. As it is, you're still just hiding from your problems. I'm glad you found this place. Welcome to SR. It's definitely better than nothing.
I would really consider going to an AA meeting. It's not like they've never seen a newbie cry and you probably need to get out of your comfort zone for any real change to happen. As it is, you're still just hiding from your problems. I'm glad you found this place. Welcome to SR. It's definitely better than nothing.
I would hope that he will stop drinking if we decide to move forward together, but that has to be his decision. One I hope he would make or at least not do it around me.I'm considering going to a meeting, in time. I think it would help too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: California
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by TheRestorative
Hi there Need2getsober,
My name is Abby. Thank you for posting here, and I am so glad you've joined this support group. I have been an alcoholic for about 8 years now, since I was 16 years old. I'm 24, and I just decided yesterday to get my life back by giving up the drink. I wanted to let you know that I am here to support you, and that we can talk, via private message, any time!
I wanted to ask you though: You said that you AND your boyfriend have been drinking together for 7 years. Why then did he leave YOU for you drinking habits? Does he just not act the way you do when you two drink? If so, I can very much relate to this kind of relationship, and the fighting/violence. It all seems so familar.
Anyway, if you'd like... stay in touch! I can share with you what I have been doing (since yesterday lol) to work on ways of rebuilding my life, one step at a time. I have plans to attend AA meetings soon, though I know that's not something you feel comfortable doing (yet?). Know there is hope! There are so many inspirational videos on youtube, as well. And websites with pretty, inspiring banners and quotes to keep on your PC as a reminder to stay sober and stay positive!
With much love and understanding,
Abby
My name is Abby. Thank you for posting here, and I am so glad you've joined this support group. I have been an alcoholic for about 8 years now, since I was 16 years old. I'm 24, and I just decided yesterday to get my life back by giving up the drink. I wanted to let you know that I am here to support you, and that we can talk, via private message, any time!
I wanted to ask you though: You said that you AND your boyfriend have been drinking together for 7 years. Why then did he leave YOU for you drinking habits? Does he just not act the way you do when you two drink? If so, I can very much relate to this kind of relationship, and the fighting/violence. It all seems so familar.
Anyway, if you'd like... stay in touch! I can share with you what I have been doing (since yesterday lol) to work on ways of rebuilding my life, one step at a time. I have plans to attend AA meetings soon, though I know that's not something you feel comfortable doing (yet?). Know there is hope! There are so many inspirational videos on youtube, as well. And websites with pretty, inspiring banners and quotes to keep on your PC as a reminder to stay sober and stay positive!
With much love and understanding,
Abby
Thanks for what you wrote. Yes, he does not act the way I do when he drinks. I'm glad that you can relate to what I'm going through and that you're as new at this as I am. I think we'd be great support for one another, so I will PM you definitely.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,525
Welcome.
I agree that you need to get sober for yourself... not for anyone else. SR is a great resource, keep coming back.
Unfortunately, it's not always realistic to expect your significant other to stop drinking around you. There is no way my husband would agree to that, personally. But clearly your ex realizes that you have a serious drinking problem, so hopefully he would support you in your quest to stop if you do get back together.
I agree that you need to get sober for yourself... not for anyone else. SR is a great resource, keep coming back.
Unfortunately, it's not always realistic to expect your significant other to stop drinking around you. There is no way my husband would agree to that, personally. But clearly your ex realizes that you have a serious drinking problem, so hopefully he would support you in your quest to stop if you do get back together.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: California
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by jobei
Hello and welcome! Many people on this site have had very similar experiences to your own... it's a good place to open up... you will definately receive a lot of support!
It sounds like you really want to get back together with your ex bf? You want to be sober so that he will take you back. One thing that I've learned that trying to get sober for other people doesn't work for me... I have to do it for myself. I hope that you decide to do it for yourself and not for someone else. Once you help yourself out automatically others around you will be helped as well.
Coming up with a plan to not drink is really important in my opinion. Posting here is great! You are moving back home... have you told your parents about your problem with alcohol? There are other methods as well... AA, AVRT, RR, church, therapists, Doctors. If you were drinking a bottle of vodka a day I suggest checking in with a doctor and they can definately help you quitting! Take care and I look forward to hearing more from you!
It sounds like you really want to get back together with your ex bf? You want to be sober so that he will take you back. One thing that I've learned that trying to get sober for other people doesn't work for me... I have to do it for myself. I hope that you decide to do it for yourself and not for someone else. Once you help yourself out automatically others around you will be helped as well.
Coming up with a plan to not drink is really important in my opinion. Posting here is great! You are moving back home... have you told your parents about your problem with alcohol? There are other methods as well... AA, AVRT, RR, church, therapists, Doctors. If you were drinking a bottle of vodka a day I suggest checking in with a doctor and they can definately help you quitting! Take care and I look forward to hearing more from you!
Thanks for the welcome. I do want to get sober for myself and a big drive for that not wanting to lose him altogether. He's my best friend and I really feel I need his support. He was so angry this morning that he told me pretty much "good for you, but i'm done and you're doing this alone"...I'm hoping that I can get sober and prove to him that I am worth another chance. I've never been violent outside of drinking, I'm a very passive person mostly and laid back. I'm a whole different person though once I drink. Very Jekyll/Hyde.
My plan is now to move back home, which is about 45 minutes away. I could move to the place I've already paid for, but it would be tough for me to get by. I really feel I'm at the lowest point in my life right now and I think the support of my family around would be good.
I have not told them directly about the problem, but I do suspect they know already. My mom knows these fights happen when we drink, and she knows I've thrown things at him before, but she doesn't know the extent of how violent I have been.
I don't have insurance, so I don't know how I'd get a doctor to help me
I worry about really bad withdrawl symptoms that I have yet to experience.
urban chicken
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 94
I could have written your initial post myself, especially a few years ago. I dont have much to offer in the way of advice, except please, please get sober for yourself. I've seen it work, you can do it. 
roosta
roosta
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: California
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by roosta
I could have written your initial post myself, especially a few years ago. I dont have much to offer in the way of advice, except please, please get sober for yourself. I've seen it work, you can do it.
roosta
roosta
One day at a time, right?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: nc
Posts: 62
There is hope never give up on staying sober some relapse but get back in the program alcoholism is cunning baffling and powerful without help its to much to handle relationships are hard to manage when you want to be sober hard to agree on anything maybe you need to take a break and see if you do any better I would go to aa at least to see how you like it remember the first one I went to I was so nervous that I could not even talk but that was all right they told me to keep coming back and I did get to were I could talk some but mostly listen my sponsor told me to listen. Thank God for good sponsors. It will get better if you stay sober. One day at a time or one minute at a time what ever it takes.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
I hope you're getting sober for yourself and not just to get him back. If you get sober to get him back and he doesn't come back what will happen to your sobriety? I know it's hard right now but I'd urge you to focus on getting better yourself before trying to fix the relationship.:ghug3
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,503
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad that you found us.
I really hope that you can step back from the relationship and focus on getting sober for you. He may or may not be there, and in the end you have to do it for yourself. Work on your sobriety, finding a job, getting a place of your own and living your life. You can do this.
I'm glad that you found us.
I really hope that you can step back from the relationship and focus on getting sober for you. He may or may not be there, and in the end you have to do it for yourself. Work on your sobriety, finding a job, getting a place of your own and living your life. You can do this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
welcome need2getsober
some great advice here already - I totally agree with Anna for what it's worth.
I know it's hard not to focus on your relationship, but you really need to let that go for now and focus on you.
Regardless of whether you and your partner may or may not get back together or not, you need to get into recovery & address your drinking and find that better life I know you want - for you.
You'll find a lot of support here
D
some great advice here already - I totally agree with Anna for what it's worth.
I know it's hard not to focus on your relationship, but you really need to let that go for now and focus on you.
Regardless of whether you and your partner may or may not get back together or not, you need to get into recovery & address your drinking and find that better life I know you want - for you.
You'll find a lot of support here
D
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Need2getsober
It sounds like alcohol has not added much to your life or relationship, for you or your boyfriend. I have found there are less problems and drama in my life when I don't drink. Life is so much easier there is no need to make it any harder for ourselves.
It sounds like alcohol has not added much to your life or relationship, for you or your boyfriend. I have found there are less problems and drama in my life when I don't drink. Life is so much easier there is no need to make it any harder for ourselves.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Welcome! My husband & I were like that many years ago. Alcohol ruined a beautiful relationship & tore us apart. Drinking turned me into a person I didn't even recognize. I was argumentative & confrontational - the exact opposite of the real me.
You can get your life back and turn this all around. It's good you're finding out now that the drinking can't be part of your life. I think it's for the best that you're moving in with your parents - try not to feel humiliated - I'm sure they are happy to help you get your life together. You'll have chance to think things through, and focus on healing and getting well. Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
You can get your life back and turn this all around. It's good you're finding out now that the drinking can't be part of your life. I think it's for the best that you're moving in with your parents - try not to feel humiliated - I'm sure they are happy to help you get your life together. You'll have chance to think things through, and focus on healing and getting well. Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central California
Posts: 246
Hi Need2getsober. Welcome to SoberRecovery. This is a great place; I'm glad you found it. I agree 100% with Anna and Dee74. It's important that you get sober for yourself and concentrate on your own priorities. That is not selfish either. We must love and take care of ourselves first. Hope to hear from you alot more. God bless you. Grateful Heart.
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