deepnblue

I am feeling disconnected lately, just no interest in anything really. There are times where I wonder, is this all there is to life? I have had some amazing experiences and I know that life is beautiful but there are times where I want more. I've been so lucky, is it right to be greedy?

I feel like I've done all I can do with what I have and where I am. I am not depressed by this or satisfied. I feel nothing.

None of it means anything and I don't know how to fix that. I don't even want to use anymore, in the end, the one thing I thought would never leave, my desire to get high, finally has. The irony is not lost on me.

Sapling

If you give being clean a chance.....Life is beautiful and you'll actually start to see it. What are you doing for your recovery program?....Maybe try some AA/NA meetings and meet some sober people...Do something useful rather than dwell on how things were.

deepnblue

I'm not sure what in my post came across as dwelling on how things were, but to be clear its how I feel now. In terms of sobriety its not just being given a chance but its the way it is, that part of my life is non-negotiable. Right now, sobriety is easy for me, the nothingness I feel is not.

Sapling

Doesn't it seem like how you are feeling right now...About how life can be in the future without drugs or alcohol?....What else can you base that on besides the time you've been using. I had the same problem...I'm trying to figure out what life's going to be without alcohol...I didn't even know what life without alcohol was...I'll tell you what...It's a hell of lot better than I ever dreamed it would be..

Spinach

That empty feeling goes and I went through the same once I found sobriety easy to maintain There was a void I couldn't see it as all being part of changing but it went slowly as I found things that did catch my focus.
I had it explained as psychological and chemical seratonin levels after years take time to adjust.
Stick in there.
John.

LoftyIdeals

I agree that you are finding new neural pathways, and revitalizing some really old ones in sobriety. But I also think you might be mourning the loss of an old friend named altered states. I spent soooo much of my life inebriated that I didn't know myself sober. I missed my old friend for some time, until I learned really how much better the sober life is. I altered my expectations. The hardest one was for instant gratification. But, I learned to see the small successes as I stopped taking life for granted.

Even in sobriety, I think we hit patches like this. They usually precede a big growth curve in our lives. Heck, Ronald Reagan wrote a book when in his 40s on the premise of "is this all there is?". Was he done yet? Nope.

Thanks for your share. Use the "down" time to gather your energy and collect your thoughts. There's more to life; you are probably just on a break. Peace.

Dee74

My experience is I drank for 20 years.

When I got sober I lived in a kind of a greyness for a while - in fact it was for so long I reallly came to think that what was sobriety was - no hills, no valleys, just a big long plain.

Better than drinking for sure...but kinda meh.

I didn't feel depressed, I didn't feel much of anything.

Looking back I think I was afraid to feel...I think I was 'waiting for the other shoe to drop'.

I half expected this new life to wrenched away from me.

I was wondering whether this new life would really 'take' and at some level I missed my old life, or some of the non drinking elements of it, at least.

Eventually I relaxed. I decided to trust my sobriety - and I admitted to myself I was worthy enough to accept it.

Today I'm truly happy and my life is full and meaningful - whatever is going on with you, deepnblue, I hope you discover the same thing soon

D

Anna

I think it might be an idea to talk to your dr, if you think it could be depression. My depression came long before my drinking, so I had to get that taken care of in order to recover.

And, I wonder what changes you've made in your life besides stopping drinking. For me, stopping drinking was the beginning of the journey but I had to do a lot of soul-searching and figure out where I wanted to go in my life and what was important to me.

gunther84

Just stick with it friend. You will snap out of it. Your laughter will be genuine, food will taste awesome, music will move you again. Just stick with it and this grayness will eventually lift and you will look back at this time in your life and draw strength from it.

Weasel1966

I swear that yesterday I went to therapy. Speaking with my dr I said nearly word for word the same sentiment as you posted. I feel nothing and what's left in my life right now has little value or interest to me.

He tried to tell me I was depressed. I am very clear headed. I can add up what I see and get the correct answers. Those answers are just not what is motivating me at this point. 45 years into what I hoped would be a spectacular life.

Deep..... I cannot tell you that this feeling is sympematic of anything directly. I know there must be reasons. I can make list after list. But even making those lists is.... Well.....not worth the time.

I know full well it is my job to get out of life what I want. Just drugs and alcohol has shifted my viewpoint.

I will stay still for the moment. Let my head clear of the grayness hanging in front of me. The sun will come out for me I know it.

It will come out for you too!!!!!

Ken

Threshold

I am NOT diagnosing you, but for many many people depression manifest as not feeling. It is not necessarily feeling morbid, etc, many times it is lack of ability to feel anything, or care, or do.

Now, there are times and situations when depression is normal, and while unpleasant, may not need anything more than time and patience to lift. Other times it needs a boost.

For me depression is this thick glass wall between me and myself, between me and my life, between me and my talents, interests and abilities.

The frustration and sorrow at not being able to access anything of this good world is horrible to me.

I feel like a deflated balloon.

So far, if I've waiting it out, taken my meds and pushed myself to do some things like excercise, eat right, and maintain a sleep schedule, it has always eventually lifted and I got chugging along again.

Sobriety isn't all cake and roses for many of us, at least at first. It usually takes time for us to heal physically, emotionally etc. And then, for many of us, there is a lot of crap to sort out from our using days...I remind myself that if I managed to live wasted, I can manage to live sober.

I used to think I must be doing life "wrong" because everyone else seemed to sail on by while I was slogging every step of the way. now I know that pretty much everyone does a lot of slogging to get through their days, but the perspective of realizing that this in not failure, it's just life helps tremendously, realizing that I am actually succeeding where I used to think I was a hopeless failure, is pretty empowering.

But I need to come here, where I can get some honesty, to remember that THIS is life...the day to day, and that my feelings are normal and human, not a sign that I am a dismal failure or hopeless case.

anotherquitter

Disconnected. Grey. Not enthused nor upset. Kind of not feeling.
Heck yea I can relate - that's where I am right now. I have no idea when it will end or how it will change, but on day 10 I don't expect too much.

Last night my wife & I went out to dinner at a fairly nice place as we had a certificate about to expire. It was my first time going out to a restaurant without drinking. Food was good, but the overall experience was still kind of weird, kind of blah.

Just tells me this will be a bloody long journey, albeit a sober one.

deepnblue

Thanks for all the replies on this, it helps to know that others are going through the same thing.

I've been sober for 152 days and am just trucking through. There is a part of me imagining the rest of my life feeling like this, meaning, that I will just going through the motions. That terrifies me in fact.

Dee74

I can't remember exact dates but it was months not weeks before I shook the grey.

I just knew I had to keep working on myself, and I believed that eventually that would pay off...and it did

As others have said, if you feel concerned about this, a Dr's visit can't hurt.

D

MsJax

Hi deepnblue. I read your post this morning and have thought about you all day. I really agree with those who mentioned possibly depression. I have over 13 months sober and can't remember feeling more apathetic, insecure and kind of just WTF regarding my life ever. Everything is clear, I function, I pay the bills and go through the motions. I offer support and help many people in my life. I feel horribly ungrateful for even having this problem!

I understand what you say when you bring up feeling terrified at just going through the motions. I did have an appointment with a therapist this week and I don't feel all that postive about that. She did say it may be good to see a Dr and get a checkup. So I have that to do next week.

I hope you feel better very soon. Sucks to not be happy, excited, or look forward to things. Who knows, it really could be chemicals. (in the brain, not substance) It's all temporary hopefully

deepnblue

You nailed it. You voiced exactly how I feel, I function. I am existing, paying the bills, going to work, making it through the normal tasks of life. Thanks for your post, having understanding is important to me, it helps me feel not so alone.

GirlFromCO

Hey deep,

This really sounds like depression to me. I've had it for ages, off and on. Like Threshold said, taking care of yourself during times like these is key. I had a really severe episode right after I quit drinking, too. Depression is a biologically-based illness, and it can be treated fairly easily. Please go see a doctor - trying to go through life with untreated depression is like trying to go through life with a broken arm.