unentschieden

I had to post here because I realized that every thought I had to share in the daily support thread was just beast beast beast.

5 and a quarter months. I'm amazed that so much time has passed since I had my last drink.

I shouldn't entertain this AV thought but I wish my last drinks ever weren't hotel wine and airplane cocktails. It ended in a headache and pass-out.

It is unsettling to read posts about relapsing after several years of sobriety

Why is it that I am strangely jealous of people who decide to relapse?

Perhaps I would benefit now from a second read of RR.

Going to bed. Since I won't choose to drink I will choose to allow my beast to make me grumpy.

Bamboozle

Grumpy is better than drunk.

I've been having lots of drinking thoughts lately...way way way too many...but they'll go away eventually (this has to be the longest episode yet...over a week of pretty intense thoughts). Sleeping is good. Anything distracting is good.

frances2011

I think you are brave to post these thoughts and I thank you for doing so.

In my experience, it helped me a lot to get ANGRY at my Beast. I starved it. I burned it with honesty. I discovered it is just a liar like everyone else's Beast. I pushed it into the corner. I locked it away.

It is ugly, mean and most of all a LIAR.

I look back at my drunks and going to bed soused and waking up scared, sad, remorseful, disappointed. My Beast feeds on separation, despair, powerlessness.

Today I grow stronger and braver and more alive by feeding myself Recovery and exercise and meaningful work. I make choices that are good for my body, mind and soul. I feel proud of myself.

Thank you for sharing your Beast thoughts. In my experience, sharing my Beast thoughts showed me that they are lies.

Wishing you a good, solid, productive, nourishing sober day.

Terminally Unique

Remember, counting time, as if you are setting new abstinence records every day, has no meaning within the context of permanent abstinence, and is Beast activity. Your Beast is locked onto that last drink as if it were a delicious, mouth watering meat ball, and IT is amazed that so much time has passed. IT will try to create a sense of wonderment and amazement that it has been SO LONG since you've had a drink. The next time you start thinking about "how long it has been," just recognize it as addictive voice, relax, and let the Beast count time.

Are you strangely jealous, unentschieden, or is your Beast? Your Beast will always be jealous of people who have a little personal party and call it a relapse. Don't get that mixed up, and recognize the Beast yearning for its own personal party.

unentschieden

Thanks for sharing your powerful story.

Your passion is palpable. Usually I have the thought, recognize it as beast babble, and squash it before i even finish thinking it. I feel strangely let down by the lack of struggle I have with the beast.

I agree that since I will never again have another drink counting days is a pointless exercise and I understand RR defines counting as beast behavior. However it will take more self-reflection to determine whether for me counting is more than merely an observation of the passage of time since a significant event.

Is it beast indulgence or weekly ritual to put another entry in my calendar to signify seven more days of success? ...AAARGH....while I was typing the last sentence I had the thought "maybe I'll pick a number of days after which I will quit counting.". Now...what does that sound like?????!!!!!

Every italicized sentence I immediately recognized as AV, yet while i recognize the beast i have a difficult time disassociating; i can only change the pronoun much after the fact.

Sometimes I feel like I can't think at all; that everything I think is beast talk masquerading as me (see statement in bold above as an example).

Perhaps a second read of RR will smoke-out the beast and sharpen my tools to beat it. For some reason my beast was completely quiet during the first go-around.

Terminally Unique

Remember the definition of the Addictive Voice: "Any thinking, imagery, or feeling that supports, or even suggests, the remote possibility that you might drink or use -- ever."

I really don't care if you count the days, to be honest, but here are some questions to give you a moving target:

1. Does "seven more days of success" suggest that you haven't already succeeded?
   
2. If indeed you aren't going to drink again, haven't you already succeeded, in perpetuity?
   
3. Is your Big Plan something that is yet to be proven?
   
4. Do you need to build up your confidence in order to believe that you are recovered?
   
5. Is there any doubt, and if there is, does it fit the bill for AV?

Just some things to ponder.


If it makes you feel any better, though, though, AVRT is a seed idea that grows upon itself. The fact that you are noticing the AV in your own posts, and that you posted on this forum as opposed your normal daily support thread, indicates to me that the seed is already germinating.

Recovery forums are a veritable gold mine of AV, so if you want to accelerate your learning and sharpen your AV recognition skills, try filtering people's posts through the definition of the addictive voice. I get more practice on here in an hour than I would in a month otherwise.

Don't start quoting people's posts and highlighting the AV, since that will just annoy people who aren't familiar with AVRT, but do it as you read, mentally highlighting the AV embedded in the text.

laconicsa

I saw in a previous post, you said "Rational Recovery has a crash course for free on their web site, but its nowhere near as comprehensive as the book"

I cant private message, as I need to have 5 posts for that, this is my first post. I joined just so that I can find out where to get that book.

Terminally Unique

laconicsa,

You can get the Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction book at any major bookseller, such as Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Alibris. Market sites like Half.com will also have copies. I sent you some links, so check your private messages.

freshstart57

Yes, this is very true for me too. I think that exposing the beast is another way of becoming mindful, and mindfulness has become the answer for me for so many things. Become the watcher.

DoubtfulDebs

i just want to bump/repost this, before i check out - for me as much as for anyone else!

and if TU/AVRT is reading this, thanks so much for your insights, and wishing you good things!

imaquitter

I actually drank again for my last drunk because of something like that. That was before I found the AVRT threads though. At least I made my last drunk on something good and I saved 2 of them as trophy's to look at in the fridge. I know I won't be anymore tempted to drink them than I would be while walking through the grocery store anyway.