Controlling people?
Controlling people?
Do people who have controlling personalities and like to control and manipulate others, not actually know that they are doing so?
Example, my father. He is panicking because he can no longer control my mom, and he is blame-shifting. Saying that he doesn't trust my mom's lawyer, that my mom's sisters are filling her head with things about him ( like my mom can't think for herself), I asked him why is he burdening me with all this stuff and he said it's because he has no one else to turn to.
My dad is not an alcoholic nor addict, so why does he act so much like one?
Example, my father. He is panicking because he can no longer control my mom, and he is blame-shifting. Saying that he doesn't trust my mom's lawyer, that my mom's sisters are filling her head with things about him ( like my mom can't think for herself), I asked him why is he burdening me with all this stuff and he said it's because he has no one else to turn to.
My dad is not an alcoholic nor addict, so why does he act so much like one?
That is definitely an alcoholic tendancy. I understand he is not an alcoholic, but I think that people with this characteristic will go to any length to preserve their way of life. The A's do it when the codie no longer covers for them, buys the booze, bends over backwards to help and do things for them.
My XAH always used to blame shift like that. When I was truly done, but waiting to be able to move, he always blamed my family, especially the women, for filling my head with lies about him....He was desperate to maintain his life. That sounds like what your dad is doing.
My XAH always used to blame shift like that. When I was truly done, but waiting to be able to move, he always blamed my family, especially the women, for filling my head with lies about him....He was desperate to maintain his life. That sounds like what your dad is doing.
Last edited by MyBetterWorld; 05-03-2012 at 08:10 AM. Reason: spelling
Lots of great books on controlling people and tips and hints on how to recognize it. Just surf Amazon for a while and you will find many out there. I think I have over my lifetime read at least half. I have the tendency to be controlling and work hard to overcome it. Plus, it helps to recognize when someone is trying to control you, and what to do about it.
PS I think controlling people live in fear, and that sense of control helps them feel less fearful about life.
PS I think controlling people live in fear, and that sense of control helps them feel less fearful about life.
I was PLENTY controlling and manipulative when I was a raging co-dependent. I didn't always frame it to myself as controlling and manipulating. i was 'helping' others to do the right thing, make things go right, better their life. Yuck. Sometimes I knew darn well i was trying to manipulate the situation and at the time I was afraid not to. I was always afraid that if I did not create scenarios that played out in the way I had it in my mind that the entire world would just fall apart. I would do x in order to get y to happen in order get z to happen.
I wasn't controlling in the ways you mention though. That seems like a lot of panic at losing someone or something and instead of taking responsibility or accepting it he is blaming others and if only he could get all the other things out of the way, his life would go back to the way he wants it. I always tried to control the future, not change the past or present.
Anyway - when you get tired of it, you'll quit listening to it. I have other raging co-dependents in my life. Unchecked and unaware. You can quit listening, quit engaging, and just walk away, hang up, ignore, change the subject, tell them that topic is off the table from now on etc. You can really really do that, and quite easily, but there is the tricky matter of convincing yourself that you have the right and ability to do so.
I wasn't controlling in the ways you mention though. That seems like a lot of panic at losing someone or something and instead of taking responsibility or accepting it he is blaming others and if only he could get all the other things out of the way, his life would go back to the way he wants it. I always tried to control the future, not change the past or present.
Anyway - when you get tired of it, you'll quit listening to it. I have other raging co-dependents in my life. Unchecked and unaware. You can quit listening, quit engaging, and just walk away, hang up, ignore, change the subject, tell them that topic is off the table from now on etc. You can really really do that, and quite easily, but there is the tricky matter of convincing yourself that you have the right and ability to do so.
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I think it depends on their upbringing, culture, events etc. A lot of times traumatic events can cause people to control outside stimuli. That person may feel out of control so they control outside stimuli. Or that person may have seen his father control the household this way so thats the norm for him. Insecurities, codependency, and all that fun stuff come into play to.
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My mother is controlling with a capitol C. She is neither an alcoholic nor addict either. She believes if the entire universe would live their lives according to her view, then...she would be happy. She has no 'internal locust of control' and she is at her worst when she feels she can't control anyone or anything. Very difficult person to be in the company of. I can never win. It's exhausting.
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My mother is controlling with a capitol C. She is neither an alcoholic nor addict either. She believes if the entire universe would live their lives according to her view, then...she would be happy. She has no 'internal locust of control' and she is at her worst when she feels she can't control anyone or anything. Very difficult person to be in the company of. I can never win. It's exhausting.
A desire to control/manipulate other people is a common character trait, regardless of alcoholism/addiction issues.
If listening to dad go off makes you uncomfortable, you can let him know you will not particippate in further convos on the topic of your mother. If he persists, take responsibility for your own boundary and gently remove yourself from the situation.
A boundary does not seek to control your dad. He's free to find someone else to complain to about the mother of his children.
If listening to dad go off makes you uncomfortable, you can let him know you will not particippate in further convos on the topic of your mother. If he persists, take responsibility for your own boundary and gently remove yourself from the situation.
A boundary does not seek to control your dad. He's free to find someone else to complain to about the mother of his children.
My mother is controlling with a capitol C. She is neither an alcoholic nor addict either. She believes if the entire universe would live their lives according to her view, then...she would be happy. She has no 'internal locust of control' and she is at her worst when she feels she can't control anyone or anything. Very difficult person to be in the company of. I can never win. It's exhausting.
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Great question. Control is one of the leading characteristics of untreated addiction. It is also one of the leading characteristics of people who suffer from co-dependency. There is always a way out if there is the willingness to change...
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I was PLENTY controlling and manipulative when I was a raging co-dependent. I didn't always frame it to myself as controlling and manipulating. i was 'helping' others to do the right thing, make things go right, better their life. Yuck. Sometimes I knew darn well i was trying to manipulate the situation and at the time I was afraid not to. I was always afraid that if I did not create scenarios that played out in the way I had it in my mind that the entire world would just fall apart. I would do x in order to get y to happen in order get z to happen.
I wasn't controlling in the ways you mention though. That seems like a lot of panic at losing someone or something and instead of taking responsibility or accepting it he is blaming others and if only he could get all the other things out of the way, his life would go back to the way he wants it. I always tried to control the future, not change the past or present.
Anyway - when you get tired of it, you'll quit listening to it. I have other raging co-dependents in my life. Unchecked and unaware. You can quit listening, quit engaging, and just walk away, hang up, ignore, change the subject, tell them that topic is off the table from now on etc. You can really really do that, and quite easily, but there is the tricky matter of convincing yourself that you have the right and ability to do so.
I wasn't controlling in the ways you mention though. That seems like a lot of panic at losing someone or something and instead of taking responsibility or accepting it he is blaming others and if only he could get all the other things out of the way, his life would go back to the way he wants it. I always tried to control the future, not change the past or present.
Anyway - when you get tired of it, you'll quit listening to it. I have other raging co-dependents in my life. Unchecked and unaware. You can quit listening, quit engaging, and just walk away, hang up, ignore, change the subject, tell them that topic is off the table from now on etc. You can really really do that, and quite easily, but there is the tricky matter of convincing yourself that you have the right and ability to do so.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Why is he acting like that? Pardon my being flip, but the first response I think of is: Who cares? That's something he can explore with a therapist or something I guess. Not your problem.
I'm sorry your dad's still up to his "put-Choublak-in-the-middle" shenanigans. I remember when he first started with this.
Perhaps instead of asking him why he keeps putting you in the middle, you could reiterate your boundary that you're going to end the conversation if he keeps bringing this up. You may have to actually follow up: "Sorry Dad, I've asked you to stop putting me in the middle and I've told you that I would end the conversation if you keep bringing up your conflicts with Mom. Now I guess I have to follow through on that. Have a good night Dad and I'll talk to you later." Click.
Perhaps instead of asking him why he keeps putting you in the middle, you could reiterate your boundary that you're going to end the conversation if he keeps bringing this up. You may have to actually follow up: "Sorry Dad, I've asked you to stop putting me in the middle and I've told you that I would end the conversation if you keep bringing up your conflicts with Mom. Now I guess I have to follow through on that. Have a good night Dad and I'll talk to you later." Click.
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Also--I don't know, just mulling over your question--I can be pretty bossy. I try really hard to keep it in check but sometimes a friend or sibling will say something like, "Okay akrasia's got the bossy pants on," and I have to reel it in.
The way it happens in my head is I find myself thinking, "I'm not bossy, I'm HELPFUL! I'm just RECOMMENDING a course of action to someone because they might not have thought about it! I'm trying to make sure things turn out right for them! I WANT EVERYONE TO BE HAPPY."
Which really is a way of trying to control people, isn't it? No matter how much my mind tries to sugar-coat it.
So I don't know if that's too much of a non-sequitur but just giving you a glimpse into the Mind of Controlling Person.
The way it happens in my head is I find myself thinking, "I'm not bossy, I'm HELPFUL! I'm just RECOMMENDING a course of action to someone because they might not have thought about it! I'm trying to make sure things turn out right for them! I WANT EVERYONE TO BE HAPPY."
Which really is a way of trying to control people, isn't it? No matter how much my mind tries to sugar-coat it.
So I don't know if that's too much of a non-sequitur but just giving you a glimpse into the Mind of Controlling Person.
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