Controlling people?

Old 05-03-2012, 07:52 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Controlling people?

Do people who have controlling personalities and like to control and manipulate others, not actually know that they are doing so?

Example, my father. He is panicking because he can no longer control my mom, and he is blame-shifting. Saying that he doesn't trust my mom's lawyer, that my mom's sisters are filling her head with things about him ( like my mom can't think for herself), I asked him why is he burdening me with all this stuff and he said it's because he has no one else to turn to.

My dad is not an alcoholic nor addict, so why does he act so much like one?
choublak is offline  
Old 05-03-2012, 07:55 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,728
They will control whomever allows themselves to be controlled. You can stop it at any time.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 05-03-2012, 08:09 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
MyBetterWorld's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
That is definitely an alcoholic tendancy. I understand he is not an alcoholic, but I think that people with this characteristic will go to any length to preserve their way of life. The A's do it when the codie no longer covers for them, buys the booze, bends over backwards to help and do things for them.
My XAH always used to blame shift like that. When I was truly done, but waiting to be able to move, he always blamed my family, especially the women, for filling my head with lies about him....He was desperate to maintain his life. That sounds like what your dad is doing.

Last edited by MyBetterWorld; 05-03-2012 at 08:10 AM. Reason: spelling
MyBetterWorld is offline  
Old 05-03-2012, 08:12 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
ODAT63's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
They will control whomever allows themselves to be controlled. You can stop it at any time.
and that is why I am here, I need to learn how to recognize when people is trying to control me or me trying to control...it's so complicated..
ODAT63 is offline  
Old 05-03-2012, 08:32 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Lots of great books on controlling people and tips and hints on how to recognize it. Just surf Amazon for a while and you will find many out there. I think I have over my lifetime read at least half. I have the tendency to be controlling and work hard to overcome it. Plus, it helps to recognize when someone is trying to control you, and what to do about it.

PS I think controlling people live in fear, and that sense of control helps them feel less fearful about life.
Tuffgirl is offline  
Old 05-03-2012, 08:34 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I was PLENTY controlling and manipulative when I was a raging co-dependent. I didn't always frame it to myself as controlling and manipulating. i was 'helping' others to do the right thing, make things go right, better their life. Yuck. Sometimes I knew darn well i was trying to manipulate the situation and at the time I was afraid not to. I was always afraid that if I did not create scenarios that played out in the way I had it in my mind that the entire world would just fall apart. I would do x in order to get y to happen in order get z to happen.

I wasn't controlling in the ways you mention though. That seems like a lot of panic at losing someone or something and instead of taking responsibility or accepting it he is blaming others and if only he could get all the other things out of the way, his life would go back to the way he wants it. I always tried to control the future, not change the past or present.

Anyway - when you get tired of it, you'll quit listening to it. I have other raging co-dependents in my life. Unchecked and unaware. You can quit listening, quit engaging, and just walk away, hang up, ignore, change the subject, tell them that topic is off the table from now on etc. You can really really do that, and quite easily, but there is the tricky matter of convincing yourself that you have the right and ability to do so.
Thumper is offline  
Old 05-03-2012, 08:53 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Where my Dog is
Posts: 149
I think it depends on their upbringing, culture, events etc. A lot of times traumatic events can cause people to control outside stimuli. That person may feel out of control so they control outside stimuli. Or that person may have seen his father control the household this way so thats the norm for him. Insecurities, codependency, and all that fun stuff come into play to.
Lilmssunshine is offline  
Old 05-03-2012, 09:10 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
My mother is controlling with a capitol C. She is neither an alcoholic nor addict either. She believes if the entire universe would live their lives according to her view, then...she would be happy. She has no 'internal locust of control' and she is at her worst when she feels she can't control anyone or anything. Very difficult person to be in the company of. I can never win. It's exhausting.
gerryP is offline  
Old 05-03-2012, 09:36 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Where my Dog is
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by gerryP View Post
My mother is controlling with a capitol C. She is neither an alcoholic nor addict either. She believes if the entire universe would live their lives according to her view, then...she would be happy. She has no 'internal locust of control' and she is at her worst when she feels she can't control anyone or anything. Very difficult person to be in the company of. I can never win. It's exhausting.
My Mom is the SAME way. People like this need to live alone on their own island in my opinion lol. I think my Mom is this way because her father molested her for years and because her Mother was a raging alcoholic. Perhaps her PTSD from her early years makes her feel out of control so she controls everything she can.
Lilmssunshine is offline  
Old 05-03-2012, 10:29 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 100
Those I have known have been fully aware they were doing it, by their own admissions. Losing control over a person was their greatest fear come true. For them, with much fear came much anger.
Kiana is offline  
Old 05-03-2012, 10:35 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Lilmssunshine View Post
People like this need to live alone on their own island in my opinion lol.
Oh that would never work for my dad because he can't stand to be alone, it tramatizes him.
choublak is offline  
Old 05-03-2012, 10:52 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
A desire to control/manipulate other people is a common character trait, regardless of alcoholism/addiction issues.

If listening to dad go off makes you uncomfortable, you can let him know you will not particippate in further convos on the topic of your mother. If he persists, take responsibility for your own boundary and gently remove yourself from the situation.

A boundary does not seek to control your dad. He's free to find someone else to complain to about the mother of his children.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 05-04-2012, 08:58 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
ODAT63's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Originally Posted by gerryP View Post
My mother is controlling with a capitol C. She is neither an alcoholic nor addict either. She believes if the entire universe would live their lives according to her view, then...she would be happy. She has no 'internal locust of control' and she is at her worst when she feels she can't control anyone or anything. Very difficult person to be in the company of. I can never win. It's exhausting.
Gerryp, we most be siblings, we have the same mother....lol
ODAT63 is offline  
Old 05-04-2012, 09:08 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Burlington VT
Posts: 13
Great question. Control is one of the leading characteristics of untreated addiction. It is also one of the leading characteristics of people who suffer from co-dependency. There is always a way out if there is the willingness to change...
KiteSurfIan is offline  
Old 05-04-2012, 10:47 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
I was PLENTY controlling and manipulative when I was a raging co-dependent. I didn't always frame it to myself as controlling and manipulating. i was 'helping' others to do the right thing, make things go right, better their life. Yuck. Sometimes I knew darn well i was trying to manipulate the situation and at the time I was afraid not to. I was always afraid that if I did not create scenarios that played out in the way I had it in my mind that the entire world would just fall apart. I would do x in order to get y to happen in order get z to happen.

I wasn't controlling in the ways you mention though. That seems like a lot of panic at losing someone or something and instead of taking responsibility or accepting it he is blaming others and if only he could get all the other things out of the way, his life would go back to the way he wants it. I always tried to control the future, not change the past or present.

Anyway - when you get tired of it, you'll quit listening to it. I have other raging co-dependents in my life. Unchecked and unaware. You can quit listening, quit engaging, and just walk away, hang up, ignore, change the subject, tell them that topic is off the table from now on etc. You can really really do that, and quite easily, but there is the tricky matter of convincing yourself that you have the right and ability to do so.
Thumper, I was the same way with my "controlling" issues and I'm early on the path of recovery from all of this but I can remember saying things and doing things (and in my mind, I was "helping") but all in all I was trying to control the situation because I knew the outcomes if I didn't. It was in a way to protect myself from the effects of what I knew would happen if x did occur. It got to the point where my XAH would say well if you're going to take my drinking away from me then you can't do this, that, or the other. So, we were both trying to control each other and from my perspective I was just trying to get him to see how his drinking was affecting everyone and everything around him and destroying our lives. Now, I see it as I was trying to control him and his drinking and it wasn't my place to do so...it had to be his decision. It never was, he never wanted to let it go, so I left him. I can control me, my decisions, how I want to live my life, but I can't make anyone else see it all my way. Learning, slowly but surely.
LoveAllGone is offline  
Old 05-04-2012, 11:35 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Why is he acting like that? Pardon my being flip, but the first response I think of is: Who cares? That's something he can explore with a therapist or something I guess. Not your problem.

Originally Posted by choublak View Post
I asked him why is he burdening me with all this stuff and he said it's because he has no one else to turn to.
I'm sorry your dad's still up to his "put-Choublak-in-the-middle" shenanigans. I remember when he first started with this.

Perhaps instead of asking him why he keeps putting you in the middle, you could reiterate your boundary that you're going to end the conversation if he keeps bringing this up. You may have to actually follow up: "Sorry Dad, I've asked you to stop putting me in the middle and I've told you that I would end the conversation if you keep bringing up your conflicts with Mom. Now I guess I have to follow through on that. Have a good night Dad and I'll talk to you later." Click.
akrasia is offline  
Old 05-04-2012, 11:43 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Also--I don't know, just mulling over your question--I can be pretty bossy. I try really hard to keep it in check but sometimes a friend or sibling will say something like, "Okay akrasia's got the bossy pants on," and I have to reel it in.

The way it happens in my head is I find myself thinking, "I'm not bossy, I'm HELPFUL! I'm just RECOMMENDING a course of action to someone because they might not have thought about it! I'm trying to make sure things turn out right for them! I WANT EVERYONE TO BE HAPPY."

Which really is a way of trying to control people, isn't it? No matter how much my mind tries to sugar-coat it.

So I don't know if that's too much of a non-sequitur but just giving you a glimpse into the Mind of Controlling Person.
akrasia is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:07 PM.