AH wants a divorce... Um, me too!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
AH wants a divorce... Um, me too!
Hi, I'm Fathom. I've been reading all your EH&S for a while now, but I haven't had the courage yet to share my story here. I can't tell you how much lighter I feel sometimes after reading the threads. It seems kind of ironic, i guess because it's not like we're discussing many happy moments in our lives. But, I just find it refreshing to know that many of you have come to the same conclusions I have, and that you are doing well (or at least heading in that direction).
So, here's why I'm finally reaching out to you... I feel done with my AH of 11 years (married 6 years), but I can't seem to shake this urge to have the last word with him on my way out. Truth be told, I'm not really convinced I am done with him for real yet, but I am at least for the moment. I left him in November (well, he kicked me out actually with just whatever I could carry). After that, I refused to talk to him on the phone. I would return his emails, but only after he sought help from a therapist and started going to AA. And, only if he were being reasonable and loving. Those moments have been few and far between for the last few months even though he swears he is sober, and I know he has been actively facing some of his demons in therapy. Still, I have not seen a consistent change in his behavior when it comes to dealing with me. He will be nice for a week or two, and then he seems to lose it. During those times, he reverts to blaming me for everything that is wrong with his life. I'm not playing that game anymore.
So, now I live in a different state. I'm trying to line up a good job that will help me establish stability and security in my life again. And, I'm not spending much time trying to reassure him that I think he's great anymore. He is incredibly smart and talented, and I'm impressed with the progress he's made, but it isn't enough yet to convince me that I really want to be with him. Yet, I have been waiting to see what happens with him over the next year or two. Everyone at AlAnon told me to just be patient. So I am, but from afar for now.
Apparently, AH is fed up with my patience. He sent me an email telling me he wanted a divorce because obviously I'm not interested in making my soulmate a priority in my life. But, he is. And, won't I help him reach this goal of having a soulmate by working with him (without a costly attorney) to get a divorce? Surely, I can find it in my heart to work with him on this one last thing as husband and wife?
Really. How do you respond to something like that?!
I want to say, "if you want a divorce, then you file the paperwork. And, then you can negotiate with my attorney.". Oh, well. I actually want to say so much more, but maybe I should say so much less. Another AlAnon saying came to mind... When in doubt, say nothing. So, I haven't responded yet.
Thoughts?
So, here's why I'm finally reaching out to you... I feel done with my AH of 11 years (married 6 years), but I can't seem to shake this urge to have the last word with him on my way out. Truth be told, I'm not really convinced I am done with him for real yet, but I am at least for the moment. I left him in November (well, he kicked me out actually with just whatever I could carry). After that, I refused to talk to him on the phone. I would return his emails, but only after he sought help from a therapist and started going to AA. And, only if he were being reasonable and loving. Those moments have been few and far between for the last few months even though he swears he is sober, and I know he has been actively facing some of his demons in therapy. Still, I have not seen a consistent change in his behavior when it comes to dealing with me. He will be nice for a week or two, and then he seems to lose it. During those times, he reverts to blaming me for everything that is wrong with his life. I'm not playing that game anymore.
So, now I live in a different state. I'm trying to line up a good job that will help me establish stability and security in my life again. And, I'm not spending much time trying to reassure him that I think he's great anymore. He is incredibly smart and talented, and I'm impressed with the progress he's made, but it isn't enough yet to convince me that I really want to be with him. Yet, I have been waiting to see what happens with him over the next year or two. Everyone at AlAnon told me to just be patient. So I am, but from afar for now.
Apparently, AH is fed up with my patience. He sent me an email telling me he wanted a divorce because obviously I'm not interested in making my soulmate a priority in my life. But, he is. And, won't I help him reach this goal of having a soulmate by working with him (without a costly attorney) to get a divorce? Surely, I can find it in my heart to work with him on this one last thing as husband and wife?
Really. How do you respond to something like that?!
I want to say, "if you want a divorce, then you file the paperwork. And, then you can negotiate with my attorney.". Oh, well. I actually want to say so much more, but maybe I should say so much less. Another AlAnon saying came to mind... When in doubt, say nothing. So, I haven't responded yet.
Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Hi Fathom. Just my 2 cents....since he kicked you out, let him do the work of starting the divorce. It just seems to me that most AHs just leave all the real work of living (and divorcing) to the non drinking spouse. I say no way, "you want it...you do the work of getting it and deal with all that comes with that". But that's just me. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I feel done with my AH of 11 years (married 6 years), but I can't seem to shake this urge to have the last word with him on my way out
I so can relate to this, but no good will come of it. Wrtie a letter, don't send it. Anything you say will be twisted into you being a jerk, a mental case, in need of help etc...
I so can relate to this, but no good will come of it. Wrtie a letter, don't send it. Anything you say will be twisted into you being a jerk, a mental case, in need of help etc...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by Fathom 
I want to say, "if you want a divorce, then you file the paperwork. And, then you can negotiate with my attorney."
I'm glad to hear you are doing things to take care of yourself and to make a safe and secure future for yourself. I guess your husband doesn't understand that time takes time. If it were me, I wouldn't trust him to move back in right now either.
I think your response above is just about what I would say at this point, too. Believe me, I understand wanting to say more, but it probably wouldn't penetrate right now anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Welcome to SR,
It sounds like you are making healthy decisions and creating a life for yourself insulated from the craziness of your past relationship.
If you know that the relationship with the A is permanently over then I would encourage him to go ahead and file if that is his desire.
However, if you think you are interested in the possibility of potential relationship with him then you could spell out in infinate detail what that would have to look like.
Personally, I am done with my XA but if I were to be willing to get back on the crazy train for another go round my communication would read:
Dear XA,
I am glad to hear that you are involved with AA as that is a great first step towards a truly healthy and happy life for you. I am also working on my own recovery and future and while sad our marriage did not work out as we both planned I look at our current brokenness as opportunities for growth for each of us. While it is not a certainty that we might reconcile some day it is unlikely and statistically the odds of our relationship becoming strong and healthy again are not good.
However, if we both desired reconciliation it would take a great deal of very hard work on both of our parts to each become whole in every part of our being and in time, at least a year apart we could consider entering into a period of getting to know each other again and possibly entering into counseling.
I would only consider an attempt at reconciliation with you when I have reviewed what you do in the next year in your new life of recovery. Attending AA meetings is only geography but true recovery includes a true psychic change after working the 12 steps honestly and completely with a good sponsor. If there is real change in you then there will be ample evidence in this with "fruit" of mended relationships and how you treat people and your responsibilities in the coming year.
If waiting a year and working on yourself has no interest for you then I suggest that move forward with divorce plans because this time of healing and growth for myself is non negotiable.
I know you probably do not understand any of this and that is why we are not ready to consider any type of reconciliation right now. If you remain on a path of recovery and if you do reach a state of recovery you will fully understand why I am insisting on a year of seperation at this time.
Very sincerely,
Your X
Now... I am not sending that letter to mine because I am DONE! Stick a fork in me.
But in looking back I seperated with the X when he drank as I had a no alcohol boundary but I would take him back after he straigtened up and got back into recovery after a few months. Months are not long enough... anybody can do it for a few months and they must do it for a LIFETIME.
A year minimum of a good program and good progress is a glimmer of hope but not a guarantee... no such thing with life with a A recovered or not.
It sounds like you are making healthy decisions and creating a life for yourself insulated from the craziness of your past relationship.
If you know that the relationship with the A is permanently over then I would encourage him to go ahead and file if that is his desire.
However, if you think you are interested in the possibility of potential relationship with him then you could spell out in infinate detail what that would have to look like.
Personally, I am done with my XA but if I were to be willing to get back on the crazy train for another go round my communication would read:
Dear XA,
I am glad to hear that you are involved with AA as that is a great first step towards a truly healthy and happy life for you. I am also working on my own recovery and future and while sad our marriage did not work out as we both planned I look at our current brokenness as opportunities for growth for each of us. While it is not a certainty that we might reconcile some day it is unlikely and statistically the odds of our relationship becoming strong and healthy again are not good.
However, if we both desired reconciliation it would take a great deal of very hard work on both of our parts to each become whole in every part of our being and in time, at least a year apart we could consider entering into a period of getting to know each other again and possibly entering into counseling.
I would only consider an attempt at reconciliation with you when I have reviewed what you do in the next year in your new life of recovery. Attending AA meetings is only geography but true recovery includes a true psychic change after working the 12 steps honestly and completely with a good sponsor. If there is real change in you then there will be ample evidence in this with "fruit" of mended relationships and how you treat people and your responsibilities in the coming year.
If waiting a year and working on yourself has no interest for you then I suggest that move forward with divorce plans because this time of healing and growth for myself is non negotiable.
I know you probably do not understand any of this and that is why we are not ready to consider any type of reconciliation right now. If you remain on a path of recovery and if you do reach a state of recovery you will fully understand why I am insisting on a year of seperation at this time.
Very sincerely,
Your X
Now... I am not sending that letter to mine because I am DONE! Stick a fork in me.
But in looking back I seperated with the X when he drank as I had a no alcohol boundary but I would take him back after he straigtened up and got back into recovery after a few months. Months are not long enough... anybody can do it for a few months and they must do it for a LIFETIME.
A year minimum of a good program and good progress is a glimmer of hope but not a guarantee... no such thing with life with a A recovered or not.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
After having a consult with an attorney, I sat down with my AH and we agreed to pursue a "collaborative" divorce/separation --- one where both parties come to the table with the idea that they will pursue the legal side of things as cooperatively as possible. Seriously, if you are done and he is done, then why not just get it done with as little money outlay as possible? Fighting each other only makes your attorneys richer, and the end result is the same. Either way, you are going to get divorced. Will it make you feel any better if it costs you both a ton of money, time and energy fighting about it?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome Fathom.
I find myself in a similar situation as you. The pressure I get to "be a wife" and how I an mot meeting his needs has turned into the final "I am done" at this point. Trust has been broken...it is a value of mine to repair trust slowly and completely. Yet he believes a lot of the issues we have in our relationship relate directly to me, not the after effects of alcoholism, so there is no where to even begin relating to one another.
Say as little as possible. That's my mantra. Actions speak louder than words. And keep going to Al-Anon and keep coming back here!
~T
I find myself in a similar situation as you. The pressure I get to "be a wife" and how I an mot meeting his needs has turned into the final "I am done" at this point. Trust has been broken...it is a value of mine to repair trust slowly and completely. Yet he believes a lot of the issues we have in our relationship relate directly to me, not the after effects of alcoholism, so there is no where to even begin relating to one another.
Say as little as possible. That's my mantra. Actions speak louder than words. And keep going to Al-Anon and keep coming back here!
~T
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
The only people who benefit from a contentious divorce are the attorneys. I agree with Soaring. If you are both done, then why not try to settle it amicably. He is not the only one who will benefit from a peaceful divorce. You will, too.
What helped me is to work with a therapist to separate my emotions from my behavior. Having someone to work through my emotions with allowed me to approach the divorce in a more rational, businesslike way.
L
What helped me is to work with a therapist to separate my emotions from my behavior. Having someone to work through my emotions with allowed me to approach the divorce in a more rational, businesslike way.
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Thanks everyone for being so open with me about your experiences in this kind of situation. It is definitely a challenge to let go of my emotions right now, and to resist the urge to unleash my verbal wrath on him.
Tuff girl, you totally nailed it. He just doesn't get why I'm so hung up on his past behavior. "Let's just wipe the slate clean, okay?". I'm sorry, but we're just not at the do-over stage yet. He has not shown that he can consistently interact in a reasonable way even six months later. So, no, I do not want to invest my emotional energy into negotiating with him the terms of our divorce. I was willing to give him a bunch of time to get his act together again. I'm not in a hurry to go start up any new relationships right now anyway. I have enough on my plate.
But, here are my thoughts about hiring an attorney... I don't want to interact with him because I don't think it would be very productive. Also, I've never done this divorce thing before (he has). I do believe in hiring professionals to do a job you know you would be lousy at, and I'm pretty sure this qualifies. Plus, I don't think our divorce should be that challenging for a professional. We have no children and only a few assets. He has a very good paying job, and I have never made more than half his salary. I think all of this should be pretty formulaic. I'd be willing to go along with whatever the formula spit out. It would only get messy if he didn't agree for some reason. My other option would be to just go away and give up everything. But, that seems short-sided to me.
In any case, therapy, AlAnon, and SR will be a part of life for a while, I think.
Thanks!
Tuff girl, you totally nailed it. He just doesn't get why I'm so hung up on his past behavior. "Let's just wipe the slate clean, okay?". I'm sorry, but we're just not at the do-over stage yet. He has not shown that he can consistently interact in a reasonable way even six months later. So, no, I do not want to invest my emotional energy into negotiating with him the terms of our divorce. I was willing to give him a bunch of time to get his act together again. I'm not in a hurry to go start up any new relationships right now anyway. I have enough on my plate.
But, here are my thoughts about hiring an attorney... I don't want to interact with him because I don't think it would be very productive. Also, I've never done this divorce thing before (he has). I do believe in hiring professionals to do a job you know you would be lousy at, and I'm pretty sure this qualifies. Plus, I don't think our divorce should be that challenging for a professional. We have no children and only a few assets. He has a very good paying job, and I have never made more than half his salary. I think all of this should be pretty formulaic. I'd be willing to go along with whatever the formula spit out. It would only get messy if he didn't agree for some reason. My other option would be to just go away and give up everything. But, that seems short-sided to me.
In any case, therapy, AlAnon, and SR will be a part of life for a while, I think.
Thanks!
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