Need to stay focused.....
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Need to stay focused.....
My AH seems to be making positive changes. AA and NA meetings (2x's a day) reestablishing his faith with God (which is huge to me), went back to his Overcomer's for Christ meeting on his own, and is seeing a therapist, etc... All good things. I don't even feel manipulated in the least. Actually he is becoming a little blunt with his honesty. Not in a bad way, just different. He is talking about his recovery and the need to be able to work on himself first. He likes the meetings now, which wasn't his first reaction.
But as I hear all his efforts for his recovery, I am feeling kind of lazy about mine.
I went to my therapist on Monday and will see her again tomorrow. I have read here and some of my Al-anon book. But I haven't been to one meeting all week and haven't really been practicing much of what I have learned. Ex: I was doing one nice thing a day for myself, etc. But he is still NOT home and I am not caving on that.
Now in fairness, I haven't felt good since Sunday. Tuesday and Wednesday, I was real sick with a stomach bug and fever. Then I had a sick dog who kept me up all night. Quitting smoking hasn't been making me feel too great either......yet!
I just know what I have done in the past. I got emotionally lazy. "Things" appeared to be better and I became too lax. I can not and will not do that again. MY recovery needs to be MY priority. He is not the only one who needed help. I see and know that now.
I need to make sure I put MY needs first, not his and yet I know I need to patient with him as well. Being a wife, mother and pet owner to 4 very needy and spoiled Yorkies' can be a difficult balancing act. I need to remind myself every morning that I am important and I need to fulfill my own needs and NOT expect him too. (I have become an expert at demanding that and letting him know all his shortcomings). But I still have to meet the needs of my family. I can not make this all about me, although I kind of wish I could.
I just don't want MY recovery to become like another gym membership...start out strong and then stop going all together. Any suggestions??
But as I hear all his efforts for his recovery, I am feeling kind of lazy about mine.
I went to my therapist on Monday and will see her again tomorrow. I have read here and some of my Al-anon book. But I haven't been to one meeting all week and haven't really been practicing much of what I have learned. Ex: I was doing one nice thing a day for myself, etc. But he is still NOT home and I am not caving on that.
Now in fairness, I haven't felt good since Sunday. Tuesday and Wednesday, I was real sick with a stomach bug and fever. Then I had a sick dog who kept me up all night. Quitting smoking hasn't been making me feel too great either......yet!
I just know what I have done in the past. I got emotionally lazy. "Things" appeared to be better and I became too lax. I can not and will not do that again. MY recovery needs to be MY priority. He is not the only one who needed help. I see and know that now.
I need to make sure I put MY needs first, not his and yet I know I need to patient with him as well. Being a wife, mother and pet owner to 4 very needy and spoiled Yorkies' can be a difficult balancing act. I need to remind myself every morning that I am important and I need to fulfill my own needs and NOT expect him too. (I have become an expert at demanding that and letting him know all his shortcomings). But I still have to meet the needs of my family. I can not make this all about me, although I kind of wish I could.
I just don't want MY recovery to become like another gym membership...start out strong and then stop going all together. Any suggestions??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Just commenting on the pupppies.... four Yorkies.... that is so sweet.
But I get the thing about being up all night. My cat went outside and wouldnt come in until like 330 am the other night. Me and BF were waiting up for him.
When we werent outside with flashlights trying to sweet talk him to coming out from under the bushes. It was a sight Im sure. Then he trotted in, and decided he was hungry, and then he was ready for bed... on the bed...after hanging out in the bushes all night. Also a bit spoiled. LOL
But I get the thing about being up all night. My cat went outside and wouldnt come in until like 330 am the other night. Me and BF were waiting up for him.
When we werent outside with flashlights trying to sweet talk him to coming out from under the bushes. It was a sight Im sure. Then he trotted in, and decided he was hungry, and then he was ready for bed... on the bed...after hanging out in the bushes all night. Also a bit spoiled. LOL
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by bluebelle 
How about reading your old posts? Maybe it would help to see why you wanted help in the first place?
Are you trying to tell me something?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sounds like procrastination,
If you are wondering about the reasons behind your procrastination, take a look at the quiz below and see if anything sounds familiar.
Ask yourself:
1. When faced with a task, do you think of all the ways it could go wrong?
2. Do you picture how important people in your life might react if you failed?
3. Do you believe it's better to not try at all than to try your best and fail?
4. Are you overwhelmed by the possibility of new responsibilities if you are successful?
5. Do you subscribe to the idea "If I do well, then others will expect more of me"?
6. Do you feel your success will lead to other people finding out the "real you"?
7. Do you believe that if you're going to do something, you should try to do it perfectly?
8. Do you find it difficult to persist when things aren't going just right?
9. Would you rather avoid doing something than do it imperfectly?
Another thought I had, was that you are are big believer in God, however, I get the feeling that you think just believing will handle all issues, me, I think God is my guidepost, I am given the tools, it is up to me to learn how to use them.
I could be 100% wrong on both counts, just my 2 cents.
If you are wondering about the reasons behind your procrastination, take a look at the quiz below and see if anything sounds familiar.
Ask yourself:
1. When faced with a task, do you think of all the ways it could go wrong?
2. Do you picture how important people in your life might react if you failed?
3. Do you believe it's better to not try at all than to try your best and fail?
4. Are you overwhelmed by the possibility of new responsibilities if you are successful?
5. Do you subscribe to the idea "If I do well, then others will expect more of me"?
6. Do you feel your success will lead to other people finding out the "real you"?
7. Do you believe that if you're going to do something, you should try to do it perfectly?
8. Do you find it difficult to persist when things aren't going just right?
9. Would you rather avoid doing something than do it imperfectly?
Another thought I had, was that you are are big believer in God, however, I get the feeling that you think just believing will handle all issues, me, I think God is my guidepost, I am given the tools, it is up to me to learn how to use them.
I could be 100% wrong on both counts, just my 2 cents.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Have you ever seen the four agreements, nice little reminders on how to stay in our own heads and stop comparing ourselves to others and also to stop any self destructive type thinking. I found them extremely helpful when I started working on myself.
The Four Agreements ~ Don Miguel Ruiz
Agreement 1
Be impeccable with your word – Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Agreement 2
Don’t take anything personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Agreement 3
Don’t make assumptions – Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Agreement 4
Always do your best – Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
The Four Agreements ~ Don Miguel Ruiz
Agreement 1
Be impeccable with your word – Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Agreement 2
Don’t take anything personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Agreement 3
Don’t make assumptions – Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Agreement 4
Always do your best – Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Your post threw a few thoughts into my head.
My recovery has waxed and waned. It has often (in the past) been inconsistent. I had to reach a point of personal crisis to finally turn it on and keep it on. The words "work the program you wish he would" stuck in my head. How the heck could I expect my AS (or anyone for that matter) do something I was unable/unwilling to do for myself?
This is exactly what happens to an addict too IMHO. They start out very committed and get lax with their recovery which leads to relapse. It's a circle game.
The other thought that popped into my head was that I need to cut myself some slack sometimes too. If I'm physically sick, I need to pay attention to my physical health. I'll put my mental and emotional health on standby while I address that issue. I just have to get back to it when I feel better.
Recovery is a very individual thing. What we have to do to maintain it is an individual thing. But one thing I know about myself is that I needed to committ to my own recovery fully.....it is not connected to his in any way.
It works if you work it.....it doesn't if you don't.
gentle hugs
ke
My recovery has waxed and waned. It has often (in the past) been inconsistent. I had to reach a point of personal crisis to finally turn it on and keep it on. The words "work the program you wish he would" stuck in my head. How the heck could I expect my AS (or anyone for that matter) do something I was unable/unwilling to do for myself?
This is exactly what happens to an addict too IMHO. They start out very committed and get lax with their recovery which leads to relapse. It's a circle game.
The other thought that popped into my head was that I need to cut myself some slack sometimes too. If I'm physically sick, I need to pay attention to my physical health. I'll put my mental and emotional health on standby while I address that issue. I just have to get back to it when I feel better.
Recovery is a very individual thing. What we have to do to maintain it is an individual thing. But one thing I know about myself is that I needed to committ to my own recovery fully.....it is not connected to his in any way.
It works if you work it.....it doesn't if you don't.
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you all for your input ~
Inciting - I have never seen that before and I really like it. I am printing it out as a reminder. Thank you!
Kindeyes - your honesty, understanding and compassion are always appreciated.
DollyDo ~ You have given me much to think about. Today, I would say you are partly right but tomorrow could be very differnt..after I reflect on it some more.
But this part is very true. As a Christian I believe God has plan for our lives. I believe he hears our prayers and we may not always have them answered as we want. I do have a tendency to turn things over to God then try and ignore them. I know all things are possible in Christ who strengthen me and I will to ask God to give the me the courage, the strength and wisdom to help ME find myself again. I will ask him to guide me where I need to go...and help me get there! That is my prayer for today!
thank you all again!!
Inciting - I have never seen that before and I really like it. I am printing it out as a reminder. Thank you!
Kindeyes - your honesty, understanding and compassion are always appreciated.
DollyDo ~ You have given me much to think about. Today, I would say you are partly right but tomorrow could be very differnt..after I reflect on it some more.
But this part is very true. As a Christian I believe God has plan for our lives. I believe he hears our prayers and we may not always have them answered as we want. I do have a tendency to turn things over to God then try and ignore them. I know all things are possible in Christ who strengthen me and I will to ask God to give the me the courage, the strength and wisdom to help ME find myself again. I will ask him to guide me where I need to go...and help me get there! That is my prayer for today!
thank you all again!!
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