reggiewayne

Reconnecting here and with my AA crew has made me feel very uncomfortable this time around. I have "relapsed" many times and have come back here or to AA and always felt "a part of" very fast. This time it has been different.

The reason is me, not them (you). I think the reason I feel so bad is I was really "doing the deal".

I think what I am experiencing is really looking at how far I had come. The truth is I didn't think I had come that far when I was in sobriety. But, I compare how I carried myself, the honesty in which I lived, the helping of others, the peace, etc... compared to me lately and it's quite a difference.

I wish that my (default) solution for life's problems wasn't booze, but it just simply is. The fact is, if I drink my life goes in a completely different direction than when I don't drink. So, it's my job to use the resources that have been given to me and use them.

I reconnected with even more people from AA today and I felt about an inch tall. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, phoney, and humiliated. I actually passed at the meeting (1st time ever). I just didn't feel qualified enough to add anything.

The bottom line is, I know these feelings are part of it. Nobody in the rooms or here for that matter is being hard on me, I am just being hard on myself because I am starting to see (for the first time) how far I had come last year and I think its sad I threw it all away.

So here I am. With my hat in my hand. Taking it day by day and trying to get back on the right track.

I wish everyone the best!

Ranger

I don't think you "threw it all away", Friend. You might have wiped it down to the foundation, but the concrete is still there. You've put your tool belt back on, so let's build!

Mark75

Yea, you were doing the deal... start doing it again! You help, and helped, a lot of others. So, uh, keep coming back!

DisplacedGRITS

When taking your moral inventory, remember that self-pity is in the negative column. Also, don't feel obligated to speak at meetings. Sometimes just listening to others speak is enough. No one expects you to speak. Welcome back.

DayTrader

Well said Reggie......and thanks. I needed to hear and be reminded of that stuff.

I recently moved and one of my new AA buddies has 90 days... after (I think) about a 4month to 1yr relapse. Prior to that, he had 9 years and according to him, the first 7 he was as locked on as anyone he knew. Praying, sponsoring, carrying the message, routinely writing inventory, etc. He said he started backing away from AA around yr 7.....and made it 2 more years before going back out.

I think your story, and honest to God I'm not patronizing you here, is as valuable or more than a lot of what I hear in meetings. Just hearing someone get really frickin' honest about themselves, how they feel, what they're doing....... that's great stuff. It beats the hell out of one more person telling a drunk-a-log or trying to impress everyone by saying they never do this or never think that anymore.

jobei

I agree that you didn't throw it all away... you learned a lot and can now move forward. Sounds good to me!

neferkamichael

Reggiewayne, thank you for the thread. I have a new job away from home, work 12 hrs/day, 7 days/week and have only been to 1 meeting in 2 months. All this time in AA has help me discover my biggest character defects, ambivelence and procrastination. I gone from poverty to a big fat pay check every week, and have no choice but to live with users at this time. I believe the "beast" is slowly slipping back into my mind. 8 of us moved here and only 3 are left, the others missed to much work because of using and got fired or quit. Once again thanks for the thread, it has helped.

eJoshua

I can totally relate -- I was there many times.

We all get second chances I'm glad you're back and recommitting yourself to your sobriety.

instant

RW
I think being beaten is a good place to be. The trick is staying there. I wonder how you can make best use of what has happened?

citylights

Reggie, I totally relate to your post and all of your feelings. I had almost 8 years of sobriety and "threw it away" four years ago which has started a terrible relapse/withdrawal cycle. I went to AA for years and did service, the whole nine, but this time around, I agree, I feel about an inch tall and very judged. I know that this is my shame and embarassment as much as anything, but I am going into an intensive out patient program starting next week as a different solution.

But everyone posting on here is right--that time was never wasted or even "thrown away." We still have that foundation, we still know what it's like to live a sober life, we still know the joy in it, it's just that we have to fight our way back to it now. We've done it before, we can do it again.

reggiewayne

Great point!

SASA

RW, I know exactly the place you are at. I always forget how good things are sober and what a hell drinking is. So I started journaling. It really helps me, every time now I want to pick up a drink I read in my journal how I felt when I was drinking. It brings me right back to be grateful to where Iam. And lets face it, drinking does not solve anything. The problems still exist afterwards, you just lost time to solve them.