Has being sober changed your relationship?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
Has being sober changed your relationship?
Hi. Just posted on another thread about living with an alcoholic partner when trying to maintain my own sobriety.
My husband is an alcoholic, no doubt in my mind. He glosses over it using justifications like "I haven't lost my job, don't drink and drive (conveniently forgetting the next morning scenarios when he regularly drives over the legal limit), I'm not abusive or unpleasant" etc etc. I know them all because they're all words I used so well and also believed them. He does however drink regularly to the point of blacking out with no memory of the previous night and has had at least one episode of alcohol induced psychosis which really scared me.
I am almost a month sober, it would have been 6 weeks but I had a little stumble at the beginning.
I'm really beginning to enjoy being sober and finding SR and AA have truly opened my eyes.
I can sense he's worried about how rapidly I'm changing, becoming more self confident and less anxious. I'm no longer needy and depressed and he is at the same time becoming more clingy. He would never question my frequent evenings out to go to meetings, but he is now not asking about them, and quickly changes the subject if I try and discuss them.
Part of me worries that unless we can talk about something that is so very important to me, we will start to live separate lives. He's my best friend and we share everything usually. This is a bit too scary and close to home for him I think.
Is there anyone who has become sober and remained happily married to an active alcoholic?x
My husband is an alcoholic, no doubt in my mind. He glosses over it using justifications like "I haven't lost my job, don't drink and drive (conveniently forgetting the next morning scenarios when he regularly drives over the legal limit), I'm not abusive or unpleasant" etc etc. I know them all because they're all words I used so well and also believed them. He does however drink regularly to the point of blacking out with no memory of the previous night and has had at least one episode of alcohol induced psychosis which really scared me.
I am almost a month sober, it would have been 6 weeks but I had a little stumble at the beginning.
I'm really beginning to enjoy being sober and finding SR and AA have truly opened my eyes.
I can sense he's worried about how rapidly I'm changing, becoming more self confident and less anxious. I'm no longer needy and depressed and he is at the same time becoming more clingy. He would never question my frequent evenings out to go to meetings, but he is now not asking about them, and quickly changes the subject if I try and discuss them.
Part of me worries that unless we can talk about something that is so very important to me, we will start to live separate lives. He's my best friend and we share everything usually. This is a bit too scary and close to home for him I think.
Is there anyone who has become sober and remained happily married to an active alcoholic?x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,525
I've posted a lot about me and my husband before but he's not an alcoholic, just a (usually) moderate drinker. And it's still been really hard for us.
I honestly cannot imagine living with another active alcoholic at this early stage of my sobriety. You must be really strong. Good luck with everything.
I honestly cannot imagine living with another active alcoholic at this early stage of my sobriety. You must be really strong. Good luck with everything.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 164
My wife quit about 5 years ago, and has been patiently waiting for me to become sober. Since then I have had many relapses but she continues to support me (for some reason she still loves me). Anyway, we have only been happily married when I'm sober. Each relapse really damages our relationship. I really don't think its possible to be happily married to an alcoholic that is not motivated to get sober. Its not that you will definitely get divorced, but it won't be a happy marriage.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I don't have any relationships left right now...Due to my drinking...But I'm looking forward to one down the road...They told me none for a year...I listen. But I have learned that I can't let anyone get in front of my sobriety... Mother...Father...Sister...Brother....Ex-Wife..Friend....Not one of them is more important than my sobriety...Because if I don't have that...I'm dead.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
I think living with an alcoholic spouse definitely changes things when you yourself get sober. My husband and I were "drinking buddies" for a very long time and my getting sober definitely has changed the dynamics of our relationship. While he is proud of me for getting and staying sober, I think it has also caused him some insecurity. He is uncomfortable drinking around me (he does it anyway, though) and will often head out to his favorite bar to drink instead because he doesn't want to "tempt" me. It will be interesting to see how this goes ... I make it a point not to be judgmental or critical, because I used to be in his shoes. I just keep hoping and praying that some day he will be motivated to join me. He has gotten sober before but always relapsed eventually. Maybe some day it will stick.
As for my other relationships, I have a much better one with my children. I'm finally the mom they have needed for a long time. Thankfully, I didn't destroy any friendships or work relationships because I always drank at home and was rarely drunk in public. For that, I'm grateful.
As for my other relationships, I have a much better one with my children. I'm finally the mom they have needed for a long time. Thankfully, I didn't destroy any friendships or work relationships because I always drank at home and was rarely drunk in public. For that, I'm grateful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
Sounds like we're in the same boat desertsong.
My husband hasn't attempted to give up and I haven't asked him to.
He still drinks at home and doesn't go out, and has cut back during the week now.
I do find that when he's drunk, I don't like to be around him, so it's me making excuses to leave the house. The dynamics are definitely changing.
And as for being a better mum to my kids, yeah I can totally relate to that. My daughter asked me for a lift home from a party Saturday night and for the first time it wasn't an issue about how I will manage to fit my drinking in around it! That felt good! I'm able to be a proper attentive part of their lives now and they get so much more of me.
Let's hope this turns out well for the both of us x
My husband hasn't attempted to give up and I haven't asked him to.
He still drinks at home and doesn't go out, and has cut back during the week now.
I do find that when he's drunk, I don't like to be around him, so it's me making excuses to leave the house. The dynamics are definitely changing.
And as for being a better mum to my kids, yeah I can totally relate to that. My daughter asked me for a lift home from a party Saturday night and for the first time it wasn't an issue about how I will manage to fit my drinking in around it! That felt good! I'm able to be a proper attentive part of their lives now and they get so much more of me.
Let's hope this turns out well for the both of us x
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by gordano 
My wife quit about 5 years ago, and has been patiently waiting for me to become sober. Since then I have had many relapses but she continues to support me (for some reason she still loves me). Anyway, we have only been happily married when I'm sober. Each relapse really damages our relationship. I really don't think its possible to be happily married to an alcoholic that is not motivated to get sober. Its not that you will definitely get divorced, but it won't be a happy marriage.
Gordano's story above mirrors what I've witnessed in 5 yrs of AA though - difficult, not usually too happy, but possible. That being said, if both spouses are alcoholics and one gets sober, it greatly increases the odds for the other spouse to get sober.
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
My wife still drinks, and we're both from long lines of alcoholics, but she's more codependent than alcoholic. She still has her 1-3 glasses of wine each day, usually alone in her home office at the end of the day while on the phone with her friends and co-workers. She tells me she's "wrapping up her desk" and I let it go at that.
She was usually my enabler when I'd stop for a month or two, as I was her drinking partner. But that didn't stop her from ripping me a new one every time I overdid it, which was most times. Our life was hell when I was drinking. And, I had convinced myself she was as much a drunk as me. The fact is, she isn't. She'll decide whether she's alcoholic now or in the future. Not my business, unless it impacts the family, and I let her know on the very rare occasion that it does. I'd like to believe our emotional relationship would be much closer if she stopped, but it might not be. Absence of alcohol wouldn't automatically make us soulmates, but the chances would be better, once we both leveled off. At 9 months, I'm just now leveling off, so I'm not sure her quitting today would be a great idea.
Your Question: Has being sober changed your relationship? Yes. Without a doubt. It's 500% better. It took me to say F it, I'm doing this for me, damn any and all torpedoes. I would have divorced, if necessary, to become sober. That's how miserable I was before, in life and in marriage. Now, I'm pretty content, and getting better every day.
She was usually my enabler when I'd stop for a month or two, as I was her drinking partner. But that didn't stop her from ripping me a new one every time I overdid it, which was most times. Our life was hell when I was drinking. And, I had convinced myself she was as much a drunk as me. The fact is, she isn't. She'll decide whether she's alcoholic now or in the future. Not my business, unless it impacts the family, and I let her know on the very rare occasion that it does. I'd like to believe our emotional relationship would be much closer if she stopped, but it might not be. Absence of alcohol wouldn't automatically make us soulmates, but the chances would be better, once we both leveled off. At 9 months, I'm just now leveling off, so I'm not sure her quitting today would be a great idea.
Your Question: Has being sober changed your relationship? Yes. Without a doubt. It's 500% better. It took me to say F it, I'm doing this for me, damn any and all torpedoes. I would have divorced, if necessary, to become sober. That's how miserable I was before, in life and in marriage. Now, I'm pretty content, and getting better every day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
Thank you. That really helped.
Guess what I didn't want to hear was its either my marriage or my sobriety cos we've had 21 years and 2 lovely kids together.
He's a good man and I don't want to think of a life without him.
Truth is I became so ill that I was planning my suicide over Christmas, life as a drunk would have killed me, so am doing what's right for me now.
Just want him to follow the same path....
Guess what I didn't want to hear was its either my marriage or my sobriety cos we've had 21 years and 2 lovely kids together.
He's a good man and I don't want to think of a life without him.
Truth is I became so ill that I was planning my suicide over Christmas, life as a drunk would have killed me, so am doing what's right for me now.
Just want him to follow the same path....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 96
My husband/partner was never really my drinking buddy - he prefers pot to alcohol (though he has a drink or two most nights). It occasionally bothers me that he drinks/smokes but he (unlike me) never gets to the point where I can tell he's been drinking or smoking. He would have a very difficult time giving up pot, but it's different as it hasn't affected the rest of his life as alcohol did mine.
That said, my sobriety has definitely changed our relationship. I don't pick fights for no reason when I am drunk, I don't act crazy and storm out of the house to sit outside in the dark smoking and drinking (and waiting for him to come find me), I don't forget whether we had a fight, or a conversation, or sex, the night before. He sees a huge change.
I can still be moody, and the same things still come up in our relationship, it's just that our conversations about them are much more rational and don't involve me acting like (such) a jackass. At this point I don't think it matters to me whether he drinks or smokes or not, but I would have a VERY hard time if he had been a big drinking buddy and was still at it just as hard. But, as you say, it's up to your husband to decide if he's got a problem and wants to do something about it or not.
Congrats on your sobriety, and keep up the good work!
Daisy
That said, my sobriety has definitely changed our relationship. I don't pick fights for no reason when I am drunk, I don't act crazy and storm out of the house to sit outside in the dark smoking and drinking (and waiting for him to come find me), I don't forget whether we had a fight, or a conversation, or sex, the night before. He sees a huge change.
I can still be moody, and the same things still come up in our relationship, it's just that our conversations about them are much more rational and don't involve me acting like (such) a jackass. At this point I don't think it matters to me whether he drinks or smokes or not, but I would have a VERY hard time if he had been a big drinking buddy and was still at it just as hard. But, as you say, it's up to your husband to decide if he's got a problem and wants to do something about it or not.
Congrats on your sobriety, and keep up the good work!
Daisy
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Just to add, Jeni, that I was at the point of suicide when I quit as well. My self worth was so low that I figured my life insurance policy was worth more to my family than I was. Man, do I never want to go back there again. That was part of the realization that I am either getting sober at ANY cost, or doing myself in. Both are selfish thoughts, but one is good selfish, the other bad selfish. And, as in the philosophy of "if you love someone set them free..." the relationship won't sour if you have to take as strong a stand as I did for your own good. And if you know God, He'll protect you through the storm.
Congrats on your sober time and decision, and my best wishes for your entire family.
Congrats on your sober time and decision, and my best wishes for your entire family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
Thanks everyone. Know I have to get well now, and am determined to do so. Couldn't have physically or mentally continued on that path to self destruction.
I only have to remember the mental anguish I was in and compare that to how I feel today.
As you say, I don't ever want to back to that and I won't.
I only have to remember the mental anguish I was in and compare that to how I feel today.
As you say, I don't ever want to back to that and I won't.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I'm an alcoholic and my husband is sober. Being honest with my husband has really destressed my life and while we've always had a good relationship, it's even better now. He worries about me less and he's happier which makes me happier.
Also, the bedroom part of the relationship has vastly improved.
Also, the bedroom part of the relationship has vastly improved.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Pullman Washington
Posts: 15
My relationship has been completely revitalized. I would often wake up hungover with only a vague inkling of what I said/did to her the night before. she would be pissed off at me and we would fight and I would bottle it up and ignore it and then drink again that night. A very bad cycle to say the least.
Since I stopped drinking I have opened up a lot more to her. We talk a lot more and are much closer. We flirt again and really enjoy each other's company. Just one more reason why getting sober was a good decision for me.
Since I stopped drinking I have opened up a lot more to her. We talk a lot more and are much closer. We flirt again and really enjoy each other's company. Just one more reason why getting sober was a good decision for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
My husband was a daily drinker, not a blackout drunk. 2-3 tall bourbons daily. I quit b/c I was a blackout drunk almost 4 months ago. He started cutting back & quit completely over 3 weeks ago.
Though, he quit, I had to be willing to stay quit forever, regardless what he did. MY LIFE depended on it.
Do what you need to do, continue to love him unconditionally & pray some day his eyes will be opened as well.
Sometimes, they need to see the positive changes in you to give them the courage to face their own fears. Good luck hon
Though, he quit, I had to be willing to stay quit forever, regardless what he did. MY LIFE depended on it.
Do what you need to do, continue to love him unconditionally & pray some day his eyes will be opened as well.
Sometimes, they need to see the positive changes in you to give them the courage to face their own fears. Good luck hon
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 35
My wife drinks occasionally when out but keeps no booze in the house since I stopped drinking.
Our relationship is still loving but has tense moments as I am now more assertive and she has been used to me rolling over and not fighting my corner or answering back.
It is a work in progress for both of us but she is my soul mate and I would be lost without her.
Our relationship is still loving but has tense moments as I am now more assertive and she has been used to me rolling over and not fighting my corner or answering back.
It is a work in progress for both of us but she is my soul mate and I would be lost without her.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
He is my soulmate too and I don't even want to contemplate life without him.
Our relationship is strong and we laugh a lot.
There are no rows but there is something unspoken between us now, an uncertainty which is making us both a little bit vulnerable.
Every relationship changes over time, it's whether we follow the same path or allow each other to follow different ones. Patience and tolerance helps.
I will always hope that he will one day be able to face his addiction and open the way for us to grow together.
Our relationship is strong and we laugh a lot.
There are no rows but there is something unspoken between us now, an uncertainty which is making us both a little bit vulnerable.
Every relationship changes over time, it's whether we follow the same path or allow each other to follow different ones. Patience and tolerance helps.
I will always hope that he will one day be able to face his addiction and open the way for us to grow together.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
My sobriety has definitely affected my relationship with my husband - for the good. I was just like Daisy - "...act crazy and storm out of the house to sit outside in the dark smoking and drinking (and waiting for him to come find me), I don't forget whether we had a fight, or a conversation, or sex, the night before. He sees a huge change."
We've had a couple of arguments, but nothing earth shattering. He's been very ill lately with this mystery vertigo and that has been stressful, yet we are doing good through that too.
I believe we are in a sort of metamorphosis. He's having to adjust to me changing too. I show up when I say I will, and not drunk. I'm more alert, I think more before I act.
He has had ONE beer in the four months I've been sober. He's a non-drinker for the most part. There is no booze in our house. I fully expect him to have a drink on our upcoming vacay. But for him it's just the one.
I think I'd have a very hard time if my husband was a daily drinker or alcoholic drinker. I think you'll probably go thru the same metamorphosis we all go thru, it's just that no one will be the same. Hope things go well for you and your husband.
We've had a couple of arguments, but nothing earth shattering. He's been very ill lately with this mystery vertigo and that has been stressful, yet we are doing good through that too.
I believe we are in a sort of metamorphosis. He's having to adjust to me changing too. I show up when I say I will, and not drunk. I'm more alert, I think more before I act.
He has had ONE beer in the four months I've been sober. He's a non-drinker for the most part. There is no booze in our house. I fully expect him to have a drink on our upcoming vacay. But for him it's just the one.
I think I'd have a very hard time if my husband was a daily drinker or alcoholic drinker. I think you'll probably go thru the same metamorphosis we all go thru, it's just that no one will be the same. Hope things go well for you and your husband.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I started on the other side of the house. I came to SR because my wife is an alcoholic / pill abuser. She had a dozy of a binge last April and I moved out. I found myself laying in bed thinking about how glad I will be when I'm dead because I won't have to deal with this.
Scared me really bad. We are now in the process of a divorce. The very thoughts of being around her make me sick.
Went to al-anon, started working my program and doing much better.
However I found myself drinking because there wasn't any reason I couldn't. Got to be pretty much every day and a lot more than I thought I should. Rather than screw around with moderation I quit. Been almost 2 months now.
I always do everything backwards. Leave the alcoholic and then start to have a drinking problem.
Scared me really bad. We are now in the process of a divorce. The very thoughts of being around her make me sick.
Went to al-anon, started working my program and doing much better.
However I found myself drinking because there wasn't any reason I couldn't. Got to be pretty much every day and a lot more than I thought I should. Rather than screw around with moderation I quit. Been almost 2 months now.
I always do everything backwards. Leave the alcoholic and then start to have a drinking problem.
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