Katiekate

I am feeling a bit better. Slowly, it takes sometime to really begin to get to the feelings. Detaching is a scary process, and in some ways I am not fully detached, getting there but it's hard. There are still these little voices and feelings that come up. It's like a habit, wanting to be near him, laugh with him, lie down next to him, makes me feel so alone and sad.

Looks like recovery is not in my axbf near future, that too makes me sad, tears running down my face even as I type this. But there is recovery for me, it is possible. I think somewhere deep down inside I thought it made a difference, that I was there, and that iif I left I would be abandoning him, but I was only abandoning myself by allowing the verbal and emotional abuse to continue, and in the end, it didn't help either one of us.

He won't ever know how hard this is for me, or how deeply torn up I am, he won't know because I don't think he cares. He told me that he was a happy person, this he told me after he slayed me in every way possible, it wasn't pretty, but one thing I know today that I didn't know yesterday is this, I will never sit there and listen to it ever again. I have a choice in that, I have the guts to walk away. Yesterday I thought, a happy person does not hurt and manipulate people the way you do me, a happy person is loving and caring person, a drunk person is not a happy person. You would never speak to me that way if you were sober.

I also didn't know how profoundly damaged I was. How emotionally tired and worn out I was. Last night I slept like I haven't slept in at least six months, some healing is happening, I wan't processing all this stuff last night when I was sleeping, I was just sleeping.

Forgivness is a big job now, but I think I have to forgive myself first, so I am working on it. It's all in God's hands now, and I am listening as hard as I can. I want more than anything to be free again. And I truly do not love myself fully so I have decided I need to learn to do that, because then I can love him fully, but until I forgive myself I will never let him go completely.

I miss him.

I love you guys to pieces, thank you so much for being here for me.

Katie oxooxox

marie1960

I think you are doing marvelous!!!!

There certainly is an adjustment period. To be standing on solid ground again, not having to worry about your earth shaking and crumbling, or falling down that dreadful black hole.

The fog shall lift. The heartache will subside. Every aspiration I once wished for him, I have transferred to myself. So in some small way, this life altering experience was not in vain. I have allowed myself to value and appreciate life on my terms.


Be patient and kind with yourself. Embrace your new journey. Everything happens for a reason, my friend.

p.s.
I so understand when you say, " he will never know how hard it is, how tore up I am."
i remember feeling exactly like you do now. I took it as a sign that my heart and brain were once again communicating, that they were on the mend. The healing process has begun.

angrywife

Hugs to you, Katie.

changeschoices

Katie, thank you for your fantastic post. So much of it resonates with me.

LoveAllGone

There's several of us "March" members that are starting to really see the FOG lift...very proud of you!

:ghug3

Katiekate

I hope you all stick around, we really do need each other. No one gets it like you guys do. I'm so grateful and I care about all of you.

love love love to you all xoxox

Krys

Katie, I think you and I started this at the same time back in March. I gotta say, you are ahead of me in quite a few ways, and I hope that I can get to the point you are at soon. I too struggle with the exhaustion and feeling of being worn out, especially these last few days. I find myself going back and forth between being heartbroken for myself, and for him and then being so angry I literally scream...or cry if screaming isn't appropriate at the time. lol. I am so proud of you for detaching as much as you have and for braving the storm so to speak...I know how hard it is to let go and feel again, it is brutal at times. You are an inspiration to me!

I miss him too btw, every moment of every day. It sucks.

Katiekate

I have an incredibly long way to go Krys.

love you K

Zoenob

((((KatieKate))))
(((Krys))))
((((LoveAllGone))))

I joined in February. It does get better but today is getting me too. Just yesterday I was so strong, happy, and confident. Tonight I miss, and cry, and curse the pain. Grrrrr

I don't post a lot but I am here. I read your posts. I do feel you all and you all help me in my healing even if you don't know it. It feels so nice to not be alone and to be connected to others who understand and feel the same way.

fhl41

I started here in March too, I started off great but lately I have been having some bad days. I sort of was expecting them though because things were feeling too easy when I first left my XABF.

It was easy to just walk away from the bs, and I didn't really miss him at first because I was just so glad to be on my own again without all the worry. I have been missing him more lately but I think I miss the companionship more than anything, just having someone there for me. I also miss the good times we had. I know in my heart the bad days would have eventually outweighed the good days in the end though.

I have also been having some negative thoughts lately, thoughts that I am unloveable and I will be alone for the rest of my life. Self pity thoughts, I know it is just a phase though, I think it is all part of the grieving process, denial, anger, and now I sort of feel depressed. The next phase will be acceptance and with that they say will come a sense of freedom.

For now I will slowly move through all of these feelings being gentle on myself..taking it one day at a time...it will get better, I can feel it.

I know I am where I should be.

Hugs to you all :ghug3

Katiekate

(((((Zoe)))))) so glad you are here.

Katiekate

Hugs back attcha xoxoxo

Seren

Progress, not perfection!