Recovery4mehelp

I have been clean from crack for 2 yrs. I hit my 4th step about 6 months ago and have been putting it off. My meetings have slowed. I feel as though I just can't open up. It has been hard dealing with facing myself. My gf of a year and a half started alanon. She is angry all the time I feel like I can't do anything right. She says that I'm not the person she met a year a half ago. My confidence has gone down, my drive for recovery has slowed, I don't show emotion towards her, she feels like alll I do is ask her to help me (yes I do ask for help.help in showing her how I feel, remeinders about step work,calling my sponsor, the kids & staying in contact which I have so much guilt about), she says she feels like a piece of meat, I've used her as my new addiction & disrespected. I feel tired, overwhelmed, misunderstood & I told her I'm happy she started alanon again it can only help me. She said it's not to help her understand me but to help her get stronger for herself. I feel like I'm doing the best I can right now but I feel like I'm going to lose her. She just doesn't understand & I don't know how to explain my feelings. She thinks I to afraid to face recovery & says my actions are those of a "dry drunk/addict" Can anyone give me some perspective is it true? Or is she wrong? I keep telling her to be patient give me time. Last night she sits me down and tells me " I can't be everything to you. Sponsor,friend,lover,gf,mom,suporter,secretary,coo

we argue I apoligize tell her I'll try my intentions are there its doing it that's hard. She says sorry no longer work and my promises no longer mean anything. My action don't match my words. I work everyday & I can't seem to get it together its to much I tell her. Why doesn't she see I'm doing what I can?

Pojman

Well... These questions are too big, and too complex for anyone to really answer. No one here really knows what has gone on between you, and your girlfriend, for the past year(1/2).

One thing I can say though, is no one is the same person as they were a year and a half ago. That is the natural evolution of a person, and that person's personality. No one will be the same person that they knew when the first time that they met them. In fact, that statement is somewhat silly, and not well thought out. I have been married for 10 years, and neither myself or my wife are the same person when we met 10 years ago. The key is, to have a healthy relationship and to grow together. Getting to know that new person along the way.

I am sorry that you are in such a heartbreaking situation. Something that you might want to consider is the fact that at this point your lives might be moving apart. It seems to me that the information that she is conveying to you is that she is ready to move on.

I think you should start to consider what you need to do now in order to protect yourself from the hard times that you might experience. Start thinking about yourself now - Crack is a very hard drug to get away from, and you do not want to become victim again if you are on the rebound.

Good luck!

Sapling

Sounds like she knows about working the steps....A lot of people don't make it through step 4....Getting brutally honest with yourself isn't easy. I have a friend in AA that's been in and out for 10 years...Why?....He won't work step 4...He told me that. You say you've been putting it off for six months...Cut down on meetings...Maybe she thinks you aren't putting the effort into recovery she would expect of you to hang around....What do you think?

Recovery4mehelp

Sounds reasonable after I read that I sent her a text "I can't believe I am even argueing with you! I know you are right!! If I don't get out of this rutt i'm in I WILL DIE!!!! I'm saying this more to myself than u!There is a tremendous struggle going inside me right now!!! (Like you couldn't tell)" She simply said, "yes, I know I can tell but you know the answer to this struggle. It's your choice. I love you."

Sapling

What do you think she meant by that?

Recovery4mehelp

That it's my recovery my choice to get better. To either stay where I'm at or take a step to better me. She is simply saying she loves me & I already know the answer to my struggle.

Sapling

It is your choice...And you have to do it for you...Not her. I'd get busy on that 4th step and start picking up some meetings...But that's just me. I didn't do those steps for a girl...I did them for my life.

ACT10Npack

Sorry to say this but I think she is trying to break things off from you. Maybe you are a different person then when you met her but I can't really say if it is or isn't. It maybe a good time to talk to her about your relationship and see if you and her are on the same page in life.

Sapling

It doesn't sound like that from her text...But thanks anyway.

gordano

The fact that she is willing to go to alanon (to me) means that she still values your relationship and she wants to work on things. Listen to what she has to say and don't be defensive. I think she is right that she can't be your Sponsor,friend,lover,gf,mom,suporter. She is overwhelmed right now and give her the space she needs to sort through this mess. Just let her be your GF for now and get your real support come from AA. Its not easy being in love with an addict. Try to see things from her perspective and maybe you can understand what she is going through as well. I think she still has hope for you. Keep up your sobriety.

Anna

Exactly, your recovery is your responsibility and you shouldn't put it on your girlfriend to remind you to call your sponsor and work on your recovery. And, you're right, her being in AlAnon is to help her, not you.

I'm not an AA person, but I had to face the dark and scary parts of myself in order to recover and it was very hard. But, it's essential in order to recover.

If your girlfriend thinks your action don't match your words then you need to decide if this is true or not. If you believe you are doing all you can, then that's all you can do.

gordano

btw... you might consider seeing a counselor to find out why you are unable to open up. I can completely relate to this because I am the exactly same way. It took me 5 years of counseling to be able to open up to my wife. It only took this long because I was so damn stubborn, self-centered and defensive.

gordano

one more thing... remember you have been clean for 2 years! That just by itself is an amazing accomplishment - you should feel proud. I think your GF will understand this when she goes to alanon.

Recovery4mehelp

She is open about talking to me about our relationship. We argue when it comes to my lack of openness in my feelings,struggles & staying in "limbo" with my recovery. She doesn't want to do the things she says I am capable of . She doesn't want to be my mom or sponsor. She is support of & I just have the disease or easy & more.

By changing she means the lack of commitment I have to my program. Before when we first got together I was meetings 4 times a week & she supports that. She says she doesn't support my lack of motivation when it's been 6 months. She understands slacking a bit but 6 months. Just writing all this has helped to see it from all sides and not just mine. I just automatically go into feeling rejected. Working on me is tough.

Sapling

There's your answer. I think she just wants to see you succeed without having to hold your hand...Simple solution for that.

Recovery4mehelp

Anna actually it was her that said being in alanon was for her and not to help me.

Recovery4mehelp

She does say that . She says can't hold my hand in recovery but she can support me from the sidelines. That if I could find the resources when I used that I can find the resources & will to live. I feel like a jerk. These emotions are tough.

gordano

I just wanted to also add, I had this exact conversation with my wife a week ago. She was getting overwhelmed with my recovery and didn't really want to be my sponsor, wife, mom etc. The fact of the matter is that my wife is only qualified to be my wife and nothing more. I shouldn't have to burden her with being all those other roles. Since then, I only talk about my recovery with her when she brings up the topic. She just recently noticed this and thanked me for giving her the space she needs and not overwhelming her. The bottom line is that she now respects me for listening to her, and she is in a much healthier mindset because that she has room to just be herself.

gordano

Try not to take offense to this. My wife also said something similar to this when she was thinking of joining alanon. Its healthier if your GF does this for herself and not you. It doesn't mean that she loves you any less or that she will leave you. Try to stop this line of thinking. I used to do the same thing with my wife and my fear of her leaving actually made her feel trapped and more likely to leave me.

Sapling

It's a tough step...But the rewards are worth it. Getting completely honest with myself was one of the hardest things I've ever done....I prayed a lot. And I got through it. My friend in AA that's been stuck on that step for 10 years? He's out drinking right now....Hopefully he'll be back to try it again.