Winery trip this summer
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Winery trip this summer
So before I went sober, my husband and I had been prevailing upon two friends of ours to come out and tour the local wineries with us for a weekend this summer. (We discussed this several weeks ago.) I had been kind of hoping that maybe it just wouldn't work out, but they just got back to us by email with a few potential dates.
I feel like I would have no role in this trip now. I don't even drive, so it's not like I could just be the DD for them. I don't want to go if wine tasting is going to be all they will be doing, which it probably will be.
My husband is NOT going to be supportive of me not going. He has totally not been understanding or supportive throughout this whole process so far. He'll think I can go and just not drink. Wine was my main poison when I drank, and this would be torture for me.
I have no idea how to approach this scenario. Help?
I feel like I would have no role in this trip now. I don't even drive, so it's not like I could just be the DD for them. I don't want to go if wine tasting is going to be all they will be doing, which it probably will be.
My husband is NOT going to be supportive of me not going. He has totally not been understanding or supportive throughout this whole process so far. He'll think I can go and just not drink. Wine was my main poison when I drank, and this would be torture for me.
I have no idea how to approach this scenario. Help?
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 43
Perhaps the worst thing in the world that could happen to me would be to go on a tour of Amsterdam's pot bars. This could quite possibly be the end of me.
My wife is very supportive of me, and would never put me in a situation like this. But, if this ever did happen, I would simply say "No, I am not going" and stonewall the rest of it.
Just say no! You do not need to justify yourself, or seek approval from anyone regarding this decision. This could quite possibly have severe consequenses for your physical and emotional health.
Say no, and refuse to even consider any compromise.
If Superman was holding a truck over his head, and asked you to step in and relieve him, would you do it? No! The truck would fall on your head and crush you! You are not Superman, and you should not be expected to labor more than what you can handle.
Good luck!
My wife is very supportive of me, and would never put me in a situation like this. But, if this ever did happen, I would simply say "No, I am not going" and stonewall the rest of it.
Just say no! You do not need to justify yourself, or seek approval from anyone regarding this decision. This could quite possibly have severe consequenses for your physical and emotional health.
Say no, and refuse to even consider any compromise.
If Superman was holding a truck over his head, and asked you to step in and relieve him, would you do it? No! The truck would fall on your head and crush you! You are not Superman, and you should not be expected to labor more than what you can handle.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Near Scranton PA
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I've had to back out of a few things, family Christmas for one, that I thought might not be best for my sobriety. It definitely caused hard feelings but, looking back, I knew it was the right thing to do and I'm still sober.
Good luck.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
You tell him you don't drink wine anymore, not only will winery tours be un-fun for you now, they could be a big set back and at a minimum you will be miserable. And you are not ef-in going.
Sometimes maintaining our sobriety and sanity means doing hard things, being assertive, maybe being unpopular... better than dead, in jail or an institution.
Sometimes maintaining our sobriety and sanity means doing hard things, being assertive, maybe being unpopular... better than dead, in jail or an institution.
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What I was thinking of telling him is that the only way I will go out there is if we spend at least part of the time doing other things. I feel like I could probably handle a visit to one or two wineries without losing my mind, esp as this will be 3 months from now, but a whole day of wine tasting- no way.
I suspect this scenario would be a dealbreaker regardless, as I think our friends will probably want to spend most or all of the weekend tasting.
I suspect this scenario would be a dealbreaker regardless, as I think our friends will probably want to spend most or all of the weekend tasting.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bridgeton
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There are certain events & occasions that you feel you should be present at. Family gatherings such as weddings, birthdays etc...but a winery tour should not be one of them. The central focus of such a tour is? Wine tasting. You should be exempt from this. I have passed on some fishing trips due to the fact that I KNOW there will be beer involved. And being on a boat is almost like being held captive. Your friends & husband should respect your decision on this.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 43
What part of the county is this? What other activities are available?
California wine country has many other opportunities... Disney Land, Knoxberry Farms, San Diego Zoo, Sea World, Midevil Times..
My personal favorite is Midevil Times, but that's just me..
California wine country has many other opportunities... Disney Land, Knoxberry Farms, San Diego Zoo, Sea World, Midevil Times..
My personal favorite is Midevil Times, but that's just me..
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It's on the north fork of long island. I have been to the region many MANY times in the past so I'm pretty familiar with it. My husband and I have been out there before when I wasn't drinking, but when I'm with just him, it is a lot easier to avoid the wineries. I'm not sure how it will be going with this other couple if they want to focus on drinking.
There is a canoe trip my husband and I do a lot that takes up most of the day, I could see it being fun to do that with this couple if we rent more than one canoe. I would probably suggest to them that we go out there on Friday night, have dinner there that night. Do the canoe trip on Saturday, and then I would not mind visiting 1 or 2 wineries with them before Saturday dinner. I don't really even mind going out after dinner (I'm pretty comfortable being in bars without drinking, but a winery is a diff story.)
Wake up Sunday, have brunch and drive back.
If they are OK with this plan, or something like it, then I would go. Otherwise, I will tell my husband I am not going, and if he wants to go with them without me, he's welcome to.
He can freak out if he wants, there's nothing I can do to prevent that.
There is a canoe trip my husband and I do a lot that takes up most of the day, I could see it being fun to do that with this couple if we rent more than one canoe. I would probably suggest to them that we go out there on Friday night, have dinner there that night. Do the canoe trip on Saturday, and then I would not mind visiting 1 or 2 wineries with them before Saturday dinner. I don't really even mind going out after dinner (I'm pretty comfortable being in bars without drinking, but a winery is a diff story.)
Wake up Sunday, have brunch and drive back.
If they are OK with this plan, or something like it, then I would go. Otherwise, I will tell my husband I am not going, and if he wants to go with them without me, he's welcome to.
He can freak out if he wants, there's nothing I can do to prevent that.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Your husband, who sounds rather mean and controlling on this evidence, although I'm sure in person he's delightful, thinks he has you over a barrel on this. So I suggest you put him straight.
Smile and tell him that you fully understand the plans were being made before you gave up the booze, so the trip should still go ahead. Just not with you. Say, hey, by not drinking you'd cramp his style anyway, so either he can go by himself or take another buddy while you hold the fort at home. Wouldn't that be great, honey? Make it seem like you're doing him a big favour.
Unless he's stupid as well as lacking in empathy, he'll see through your disingenuousness. But he'll also be aware that you won't be forced into doing something you don't want to do and are prepared to make a stand over it. If he kicks off and tries to make your life difficult, well, that's what he seems to be doing anyway.
Smile and tell him that you fully understand the plans were being made before you gave up the booze, so the trip should still go ahead. Just not with you. Say, hey, by not drinking you'd cramp his style anyway, so either he can go by himself or take another buddy while you hold the fort at home. Wouldn't that be great, honey? Make it seem like you're doing him a big favour.
Unless he's stupid as well as lacking in empathy, he'll see through your disingenuousness. But he'll also be aware that you won't be forced into doing something you don't want to do and are prepared to make a stand over it. If he kicks off and tries to make your life difficult, well, that's what he seems to be doing anyway.
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Originally Posted by MarkstheSpot 
Your husband, who sounds rather mean and controlling on this evidence, although I'm sure in person he's delightful, thinks he has you over a barrel on this. So I suggest you put him straight . . .
He will never change his view on this. Unless perhaps of course, i continue drinking and end up really hurting myself or someone else one day, getting arrested, etc., which I'm certainly not willing to do to prove my point.
I almost WISH I had the usual alcoholic scenario, where my spouse is begging me to quit and I'M the one in denial. But instead we have this weird reversal.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
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Are your friends and husband determined to go to the wineries? Could you say you've found something more fun to do? Can you tell your friends you have given up drinking and would be uncomfortable going? If no one is listening to you just pull a sickie! Throw up the morning you're supposed to go or something... I managed to successfully avoid some social occasions which I thought would be too much for me so I can understand what you feel (for me it was blind panic), but really you have absolutely no obligation to do this, it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind, no one should be able to make you do something you don't want to do etc...
If your husband is not being supportive get him to read your posts on here and maybe he will realise what a big deal this is...
Hope you find a solution x
If your husband is not being supportive get him to read your posts on here and maybe he will realise what a big deal this is...
Hope you find a solution x
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Originally Posted by soberbythesea
I almost WISH I had the usual alcoholic scenario, where my spouse is begging me to quit and I'M the one in denial. But instead we have this weird reversal.
Sometimes we think things through like this, and they manifest themselves later in life. Your husband might not take you seriously, and to prove to him that you are serious, you might just take the next step. I can not speak for you, or predict your behavior, but I find this statement to be very serious.
Think about this scenario, and really be aware if you are serious or not.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Originally Posted by soberbythesea
He's honestly not mean and controlling. He's just in denial. He doesn't think I have a problem, and doesn't understand why I want to quit drinking entirely. He thinks I'm being "extreme," and that I just need to learn to moderate. He absolutely REFUSES to see the situation for what it is. No amount of my pointing out all the stupid/harmful/regrettable things I've done while drinking will change his view of things. He always has an excuse for me, or some reason why this, that or the other thing was "just that one incident, most of the time you're fine."
He will never change his view on this. Unless perhaps of course, i continue drinking and end up really hurting myself or someone else one day, getting arrested, etc., which I'm certainly not willing to do to prove my point.
I almost WISH I had the usual alcoholic scenario, where my spouse is begging me to quit and I'M the one in denial. But instead we have this weird reversal.
He will never change his view on this. Unless perhaps of course, i continue drinking and end up really hurting myself or someone else one day, getting arrested, etc., which I'm certainly not willing to do to prove my point.
I almost WISH I had the usual alcoholic scenario, where my spouse is begging me to quit and I'M the one in denial. But instead we have this weird reversal.
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I feel like my friends would understand, if I explained it. But I was kind of hoping not to have to go into detail with them about why I've quit. These are really my husband's friends first and foremost, so I feel like he should be the one to talk to them about this. If he was being supportive, that would be no problem.
You're right Pojman... I shouldn't say things like that, I do believe that thoughts become things. I wish my husband would listen to me, but I definitely don't wish for my problem to get more serious. That's why I'm trying to fix it now.
It seems ridiculous really. My husband knows that until recently I drank 5-6 drinks a night almost every night of the week. More on weekends. He's seen me get hammered and fall down in our friend's backyard just a couple of weeks ago (according to me, this is because I was shtifaced; according to him, it's "because I was wearing heels.") He sees me do other self-destructive things to myself when I drink, like smoke cigarettes. He's even been on the receiving end of me starting pointless fights, screaming at him over nothing, etc. He knows I've made 20+ separate attempts to "moderate" my drinking over the past 5 years, including one 8-month failed stint at sobriety. How can he not see that this is a problem?!?!
Almost everything I post here is something I've told him in one way or another. It's like talking to a wall.
You're right Pojman... I shouldn't say things like that, I do believe that thoughts become things. I wish my husband would listen to me, but I definitely don't wish for my problem to get more serious. That's why I'm trying to fix it now.
It seems ridiculous really. My husband knows that until recently I drank 5-6 drinks a night almost every night of the week. More on weekends. He's seen me get hammered and fall down in our friend's backyard just a couple of weeks ago (according to me, this is because I was shtifaced; according to him, it's "because I was wearing heels.") He sees me do other self-destructive things to myself when I drink, like smoke cigarettes. He's even been on the receiving end of me starting pointless fights, screaming at him over nothing, etc. He knows I've made 20+ separate attempts to "moderate" my drinking over the past 5 years, including one 8-month failed stint at sobriety. How can he not see that this is a problem?!?!
Almost everything I post here is something I've told him in one way or another. It's like talking to a wall.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
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Often people who care about you have these shut of valves when anything slightly serious happens...it's denial. He doesn't want to think you have a problem therefore you don't. Not very helpful but it is probably just his own coping mechanism.
If they're his friends I wouldn't worry too much about it. If he doesn't want to tell them about your problem then he will have to find a way to accommodate you.
If they're his friends I wouldn't worry too much about it. If he doesn't want to tell them about your problem then he will have to find a way to accommodate you.
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Yeah you're right. I'm going to let him bring it up. I don't want to push the issue. If he brings it up then I will suggest to him the plan I outlined above. If he is not cool with that, I will just calmly tell him I am not going, and that he can go by himself with these friends if he wants to. I'm really going to try not to fight with him about this because I've learned that is pointless. He is not going to accept that I have a problem, and that's fine. I just have to find ways to work around these scenarios on my own.
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Originally Posted by soberbythesea
I feel like my friends would understand, if I explained it. But I was kind of hoping not to have to go into detail with them about why I've quit. These are really my husband's friends first and foremost, so I feel like he should be the one to talk to them about this. If he was being supportive, that would be no problem.
You're right Pojman... I shouldn't say things like that, I do believe that thoughts become things. I wish my husband would listen to me, but I definitely don't wish for my problem to get more serious. That's why I'm trying to fix it now.
It seems ridiculous really. My husband knows that until recently I drank 5-6 drinks a night almost every night of the week. More on weekends. He's seen me get hammered and fall down in our friend's backyard just a couple of weeks ago (according to me, this is because I was shtifaced; according to him, it's "because I was wearing heels.") He sees me do other self-destructive things to myself when I drink, like smoke cigarettes. He's even been on the receiving end of me starting pointless fights, screaming at him over nothing, etc. He knows I've made 20+ separate attempts to "moderate" my drinking over the past 5 years, including one 8-month failed stint at sobriety. How can he not see that this is a problem?!?!
Almost everything I post here is something I've told him in one way or another. It's like talking to a wall.
You're right Pojman... I shouldn't say things like that, I do believe that thoughts become things. I wish my husband would listen to me, but I definitely don't wish for my problem to get more serious. That's why I'm trying to fix it now.
It seems ridiculous really. My husband knows that until recently I drank 5-6 drinks a night almost every night of the week. More on weekends. He's seen me get hammered and fall down in our friend's backyard just a couple of weeks ago (according to me, this is because I was shtifaced; according to him, it's "because I was wearing heels.") He sees me do other self-destructive things to myself when I drink, like smoke cigarettes. He's even been on the receiving end of me starting pointless fights, screaming at him over nothing, etc. He knows I've made 20+ separate attempts to "moderate" my drinking over the past 5 years, including one 8-month failed stint at sobriety. How can he not see that this is a problem?!?!
Almost everything I post here is something I've told him in one way or another. It's like talking to a wall.
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Originally Posted by Jeni26
Do you think he's worried that you will change so much it could threaten your marriage?
What is his drinking like?
What is his drinking like?
The wine thing is a touchy issue because wine used to be a major shared interest for us. We visited wineries together often and even got married at one. So that's something I'm sure he will miss doing with me, but he just needs to realize we can do other things together that don't endanger my health.
He's generally a moderate drinker. He doesn't drink at all on most weeknights, maybe having 1-2 drinks if he does. On weekends, he'll drink a little more, but he doesn't get hammered like I do. He very rarely has anything bad happen to him as a result of drinking.
He thinks I just need to "learn" to drink more like he does. I wish I could, but it's not an option for me, and he doesn't understand why.
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