choublak

Because, all they have to do is "make the decision to stop drinking on their own".

Meanwhile, the loved ones have to constantly remember this and also "detach with love".

Just my $0.02

Lilmssunshine

Its not "Easy" once you make that decision and actually start the process of detoxing. Im sure the A knows this. Its really hard. The family and friends of the A doesnt have it easy nor does the A. Its a family decease.
I think your at the point of bitterness and resentment. Perhaps you may need to work through your bitterness and let those negative feelings go hun.

gerryP

I wouldn't say that the making of the decision to stop drinking on ones own is an easy one Choub, but I think I understand what you are saying. I don't think I could handle having a partner who was in active alcoholism...I believe I would love and detach myself right out the front door.

aasharon90

Family stepped in with concern for my
well being and with love and care and
support, they got me the help i so desperately
needed at that time in my life. For them
I am truely grateful.

However....

My husband and I were into our 8 yr marriage
when intervention took place and I entered a
recovery program. That was 21 yrs ago.

Because I continued with my recovery, growing
and changing, the rest of the family grew and
changed on their own as we as a family unit lacked
commincation and understanding which is vital
in holding a healthy family together.

Our marriage eventually ended at 25 yrs. peacefully,
as we went on our separate ways to live our own
lives.

We both have remarried and im still living my
recovery life happy, joyous and free.

laurie6781

Choublak I have no idea where you come up with some of the stuff you do.

Easy???? Like hell it was easy.

It was the HARDEST, LONGEST, damn thing I have ever tried to do in my life.

I had totally NUMBED myself from reality since I was 12 years old, and I was 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday when I DIED during detox, several times, to the point that the ER doctor was putting the TOD on my chart. My heart started on it's own after 28 minutes down.

Believe it or not, I have the medical charts to prove it.

It was AFTER that, that the work, discoveries, fears, emotions, etc started to appear. My family had shut the door on me 2 1/2 years prior, and it was a good thing when they did it, I thanked both my parents until their individually demises.

I am grateful that they did not know me during those early years of recovery. I was a TOTAL MESS. Recovery is NOT easy. Staying drunk and high would have been easy. For most of my first year, I did not know if I was coming or going. Oh sure, I held down a job, I looked good from the outside (it is amazing how quickly we can 'clean up') but I was a blubbering mass of jello on the inside for a VERY LONG TIME.

Yes, it slowly got better for me, and I spent a lot of years 'paying back' financial amends, getting ALL my amends done and just daily, slowly changing my life, my attitudes, my WHOLE way of being.

Now, over these many years of continuing to LIVE the 12 step program I have been given the opportunity to work with many other recovering alcoholics. There is not a one that I have worked with or known these many years that has not gone through as much he!! in recovery as they did during their drinking and using IF NOT MORE.

Did your post hit a nerve? You bet it did!!!!!

Yes I know how much damage the A can cause to loved ones and family. I have been on BOTH sides of the street.

Your statement was an out an out erroneous judgement of those suffering from addiction, be they still in active addiction or attempting to find recovery and live abstinent the rest of their lives and become an active productive member of society.

I guess by working both programs for so many years I have learned how to see both sides of the coin and try to make sure that I do not inflict unnecessary pain on others by my pronouncements, especially when I do not know the WHOLE story.

Love and hugs,

angrywife

I feel that the A's have it easier because once the decision is made to end a relationship, the sober party has to actually feel the hurt and emotions that go along with the breakup.

The A can just numb it all with alcohol and go on about their lives.

Thumper

I for one would not trade places with an A for all the tea in China. No way do I think it would be easier.

choublak

It's easier to make the decision and want it for yourself, than to "push" someone else into recovery.

SoaringSpirits

I think they must have it very hard. Making the decision to stop and then actually going through with it (and sticking with it) are two different things. As well as being willing to lay yourself open and look at all those reasons why you drink.

But I get your anger, I really do.

laurie6781

That can be said for both the A and the codependent. However, even 'making the decision' is very difficult. Ask anyone in a relationship (be it a marriage, living with an SO, a child, a parent) with an A how difficult it is to work on one's self.

Ask any A who has been in the 'throes of addiction' for a very long time, what occurs when that 'idea' of recovery is even 'flitted' over, and how the fear, anxiety, emotions, etc crop up to put the A in a state of paralysis.

So .................................. NONE of this is 'easy.' Far far from it.

Love and hugs,

Terminally Unique

Speaking only for myself, but my chosen method of recovery imposes no burden of change on my family whatsoever. Everything that went wrong as the result of my drinking was entirely my fault. Yes, everything! My family did not need to support me or encourage me, nor did I expect them to. I was fortunate that they even let me slither back into the house. I have told them that anything but zero tolerance from them for any drinking on my part would be unjust.

Just my $0.02

-- From a PhD (Phormer Drunk)

akalacha

I think my A has it ¨easy¨ because all he does is drink and sleep. He is no help with decisions, or any of the work that has to be done. He doesn't consider my (or anyone else's) feelings, takes no responsibility for his actions. It must be easier to just get numb and not care about anything. On the other hand, making the decision to get sober and following through with that must be one of the most difficult things in the world.

witharealwinner

Why is this? I ask in all sincerity...why/what are they so afraid of? Are they actually afraid to be sober? Afraid to feel something and not numb themselves?

I genuinely would like to know...to understand better.

akrasia

I'm with you in a way, Choublak. Active A's have it "easier," but their "ease" takes place in a miserable little puddle of existence. I was watching one of our town's drunks this morning, making his way to the shop for the first drinks of the day at 8AM. He'll have a day of perfect ease, in a way--not a single worry. If she hasn't left him yet, there's most likely a woman at home to clean up the excrement and vomit he leaves behind. And there'll be a pub open at night to sell him drinks till he can't keep his eyes open anymore.

He's chosen an easy life. Not one I'd want, but undeniably easy.

akrasia

I'll take in on faith that recovering from an addiction is difficult.

One could argue that it's "easier" for the non-addict person in the relationship, though. They can decide they're done being treated like crap, and leave.

Lilmssunshine

Its not easy to feel the shame an alcoholic does when they realize theyve let people down they love. It isnt easy to vommit the next day, clean it up, and feel crappy all day. It sure as heck wasnt easy for me to grieve something that happened two years ago when I was detoxing. It isnt easy for me being in constant worry of relapsing and being just like my Alcoholic Grandmother every day. Just because someone doesnt know what its like to be an addict doesnt mean you have the right to judge them. Ive been on both sides. Dealt with an A and been the A myself. Both suck pretty bad.

akrasia

Sorry for the serial post, but I'm mulling over bitterness and resentment. Does feeling bitter and resentful mean that someone's judgement is clouded? Sometimes the resentful feelings are self-preserving, and can come from a place of great clarity. The mind's way of protecting us from getting hurt over and over, of giving us the strength to get out of a bad situation.

Chino

All I have to remember is that I have choices.

I choose recovery.

Lilmssunshine

It depends on the Alcoholic. Everyone is different in my opinion. I used alcohol to hide from attachment issues, from an anxiety disorder (my ex boyfriend didnt want me on anxiety meds he treated me badly for wanting them) from pain because there was too many years of forced repression from my family to feel all that pain at one time. I drank to celebrate, to get liquid courage, to numb myself, because it tasted good. So many reasons that led to alcoholism. And once it reached the point of a problem I had gotten so used to using it as a crutch. Anyone can look at another person and say they have it easy but we all fight our own unique wars.

Im not going to lie and say the person im in love with has it easy. He is an active A. Im not going to lie and say it makes me feel good that he hasnt made the decision to be sober. It hurts my heart. But to say he has it easy just isnt fair to him. Its in his DNA as it is in mine.

Windmills

If an addicts choice to get clean is that easy.. Surely a spouse's decision to walk away should be equally easy?
If I could choose between my life and my XABF's, I'd choose mine a million times. Living in his head must be torture, he is a very very sick man and I only feel compassion for him right now. No judgement and no casting aspersions. My life with him was hell, but it was my choice to stay.