Can someone please explain......
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Can someone please explain......
There have been times recently when I have found my inner strength and was able to be very honest about how I feel, what I want and what I don't want. It felt so good, it felt to freeing! I had no regrets!
Later, when my AH becomes cold and distance, I start to become weak and scared again. (not at bad as I was but stil....)
I don't understand why that is! I am not a weak person in general. I never cared before when he got this way after an arguement. It doesn't bother me when other people act that way.
I know he sees it and plays on it! Why am I reacting this way?? I need to understand it so I can STOP it.
Any thought??
Later, when my AH becomes cold and distance, I start to become weak and scared again. (not at bad as I was but stil....)
I don't understand why that is! I am not a weak person in general. I never cared before when he got this way after an arguement. It doesn't bother me when other people act that way.
I know he sees it and plays on it! Why am I reacting this way?? I need to understand it so I can STOP it.
Any thought??
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
dollydo...I have a deep old wound of abandonment and neglect
the circumstances and events of my life were fertile ground for fear of loss of love
we all need love! love is the essence, the elixir, of life and happiness
when I find a source of love in another person I become entirely loyal to that person...loyalty can be a virtue or a vice
having found a beautiful source of love in a man who struggles with addiction...well trouble ensued. my own defects/distortions of character became enmeshed with his and we, together, created a codependent relationship...as the codependency deepens and twists, spiraling into pathways in my psyche, it creates not only the endorphins of love but the adrenaline of drama.
my own fears cause me to dread losing my source of deeply tapped love. of course on other levels there are many things going on. conversations, dinner, walks, films, events, concerts, grocery shopping, gardening together, travel (etc etc etc!!!) all of the normal happy love and relationship elements exist, but the under riding tension starts to rest on a foundation of fear rather than trust...a trust that was perhaps a little vulnerable from the start but becomes amplified and more ingrained with every cycle of use/relapse/recovery...
love/despair/hope...what an amazingly powerful triad
of course I would want to have some control over that! of course I would want to have some control over my state of being, my love, my life! so when I would get outraged and indignant and heartbroken I WOULD be in control...I would kick him out, tell him I was done...and it felt at least a little okay, like I was strong, in control of this chaotic situation.
but the hope side of the cycle would kick in, and I would hear the promises and pleas for LOVE and I would go right back into the cycle and...love again...but always with a little more fear...but at least I had "control" because I was making the "decision" (read:codependent cycling) to go back
if HE was to make the decision?? that's not under my control...that is insult to injury? that's how it can feel to a codie..."after everything we have done" feelings such as that
no control...and actually, we have perhaps just maybe lost sight of the well being of the person that we "loved" and think only of ourselves.
this is crucial...it is how we think about ourselves!!! are we so selfish that we drive ourselves back into the cycle, desperate for that love we want, determined to control the source of it...even if they need to go and hit bottom, or take care of themselves first in recovery...no, we think of ourselves.
crucial!! it is HOW we think of ourselves at this point!!! is it with self pity, self centeredness and resentment? or is it with tender care and love and gratitude for our life.
remember always with the addict...
"there, but for the grace of god, go I"
tend to yourself with love and care...and you will learn to detach with love, grace and compassion
the circumstances and events of my life were fertile ground for fear of loss of love
we all need love! love is the essence, the elixir, of life and happiness
when I find a source of love in another person I become entirely loyal to that person...loyalty can be a virtue or a vice
having found a beautiful source of love in a man who struggles with addiction...well trouble ensued. my own defects/distortions of character became enmeshed with his and we, together, created a codependent relationship...as the codependency deepens and twists, spiraling into pathways in my psyche, it creates not only the endorphins of love but the adrenaline of drama.
my own fears cause me to dread losing my source of deeply tapped love. of course on other levels there are many things going on. conversations, dinner, walks, films, events, concerts, grocery shopping, gardening together, travel (etc etc etc!!!) all of the normal happy love and relationship elements exist, but the under riding tension starts to rest on a foundation of fear rather than trust...a trust that was perhaps a little vulnerable from the start but becomes amplified and more ingrained with every cycle of use/relapse/recovery...
love/despair/hope...what an amazingly powerful triad
of course I would want to have some control over that! of course I would want to have some control over my state of being, my love, my life! so when I would get outraged and indignant and heartbroken I WOULD be in control...I would kick him out, tell him I was done...and it felt at least a little okay, like I was strong, in control of this chaotic situation.
but the hope side of the cycle would kick in, and I would hear the promises and pleas for LOVE and I would go right back into the cycle and...love again...but always with a little more fear...but at least I had "control" because I was making the "decision" (read:codependent cycling) to go back
if HE was to make the decision?? that's not under my control...that is insult to injury? that's how it can feel to a codie..."after everything we have done" feelings such as that
no control...and actually, we have perhaps just maybe lost sight of the well being of the person that we "loved" and think only of ourselves.
this is crucial...it is how we think about ourselves!!! are we so selfish that we drive ourselves back into the cycle, desperate for that love we want, determined to control the source of it...even if they need to go and hit bottom, or take care of themselves first in recovery...no, we think of ourselves.
crucial!! it is HOW we think of ourselves at this point!!! is it with self pity, self centeredness and resentment? or is it with tender care and love and gratitude for our life.
remember always with the addict...
"there, but for the grace of god, go I"
tend to yourself with love and care...and you will learn to detach with love, grace and compassion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
No one is weak.
Being weak has nothing to do with anything, unless you box yourself into that assignment. No one else could.
How do you know he plays on it?
What it if is a game that you both have always played together, it became habit, normal for your relationship with each other and how you respond to the other, from years of being sick together??
Being weak has nothing to do with anything, unless you box yourself into that assignment. No one else could.
How do you know he plays on it?
What it if is a game that you both have always played together, it became habit, normal for your relationship with each other and how you respond to the other, from years of being sick together??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I believe your intuition senses the ruthlessness of the addict brain and the mortal danger you feel your psyche is in.
I have learned never to underestimate an addict's ability to take down anyone around him with a few vicious and masterful words.
I learned to be afraid, too, and for good reason.
No contact is best if there are no children involved. And if there are, and contact must be maintained with someone in active addiction, then a daily awareness of his danger to your psyche and a deliberate commitment to rock-solid boundaries regarding communication is the best way to protect yourself.
I have learned never to underestimate an addict's ability to take down anyone around him with a few vicious and masterful words.
I learned to be afraid, too, and for good reason.
No contact is best if there are no children involved. And if there are, and contact must be maintained with someone in active addiction, then a daily awareness of his danger to your psyche and a deliberate commitment to rock-solid boundaries regarding communication is the best way to protect yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
I've read many of your posts and I'm still unclear.
Is your husband an active addict that does not want to stop, or is he attempting to stop using?
I ask this because if I recall I've seen post saying he is using Suboxone with his doctors supervision to wean himself off the opiates.
I have also read post where you don't approve of his taking Suboxone.
Is he abusing this drug? Or mixing this with opiates?
I have also read post, I think where he is seeing a psychiatrist.
And I think Ive read post where he has gone to some AA meetings
So I'm just confused what his situation is.
If he is trying to stop using; if he is seeking treatment for his addiction through a doctor, psychiatrist, AA... Or even one of these options... I think you just need to step back and not judge his process.
He may not be handling it in the manner you approve of, but the end result to him is all that matters.
I say go no contact 100% and work on yourself while he does his thing.
It does sort of sound like a push/pull interaction between the two of you.
I rather doubt it's helping either of you.
Is your husband an active addict that does not want to stop, or is he attempting to stop using?
I ask this because if I recall I've seen post saying he is using Suboxone with his doctors supervision to wean himself off the opiates.
I have also read post where you don't approve of his taking Suboxone.
Is he abusing this drug? Or mixing this with opiates?
I have also read post, I think where he is seeing a psychiatrist.
And I think Ive read post where he has gone to some AA meetings
So I'm just confused what his situation is.
If he is trying to stop using; if he is seeking treatment for his addiction through a doctor, psychiatrist, AA... Or even one of these options... I think you just need to step back and not judge his process.
He may not be handling it in the manner you approve of, but the end result to him is all that matters.
I say go no contact 100% and work on yourself while he does his thing.
It does sort of sound like a push/pull interaction between the two of you.
I rather doubt it's helping either of you.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Kelley - push/pull?? Interesting, Thank you!
As for all your questions - my only answer is who knows!!! It's changes constantly.
We are separated! He is taking suboxone, but I know he is still using pills and drinking on occasions - usually when he hasn't got his own way with me. The addict temper tantrum but a very deadly and scary cocktail.
He has been to a few AA meetings and is seeing a therapist once a week. But in my opinion based on what I have experienced, these are all just attempts to manipulate his way back home and has always worked in the past. Oh and important fact that hasn't gone unnoticed is that he is critical of AA. (not a good sign)
Its not that I don't like suboxone! I just don't like how he has used it to "trick" me. So. it is his behavior about it, that I don't like.
My gut instincts tell me he doesn't want to change yet. He just wants to be home, have his cake and eat it too. But as an addict and a great salesman, he is great at telling me everything I want to hear. And as a codie, I want to believe everything he is saying.
This time, things are different! I have am not caving, I am seeing a therapist and attending Al-anon. But I still have not been able to let go for any substantial length of times.
We have some issues regarding my son, that demands some contact and sometimes I am great about my boundaries and sometimes I am not! That's just the truth and something I am working on!
As for all your questions - my only answer is who knows!!! It's changes constantly.
We are separated! He is taking suboxone, but I know he is still using pills and drinking on occasions - usually when he hasn't got his own way with me. The addict temper tantrum but a very deadly and scary cocktail.
He has been to a few AA meetings and is seeing a therapist once a week. But in my opinion based on what I have experienced, these are all just attempts to manipulate his way back home and has always worked in the past. Oh and important fact that hasn't gone unnoticed is that he is critical of AA. (not a good sign)
Its not that I don't like suboxone! I just don't like how he has used it to "trick" me. So. it is his behavior about it, that I don't like.
My gut instincts tell me he doesn't want to change yet. He just wants to be home, have his cake and eat it too. But as an addict and a great salesman, he is great at telling me everything I want to hear. And as a codie, I want to believe everything he is saying.
This time, things are different! I have am not caving, I am seeing a therapist and attending Al-anon. But I still have not been able to let go for any substantial length of times.
We have some issues regarding my son, that demands some contact and sometimes I am great about my boundaries and sometimes I am not! That's just the truth and something I am working on!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
and his mission in life is to get you all mushy and manage to worm his way back into the home.
But why???????
I agree with everything you wrote. And you are so correct...It's not even an option. And although I hate to sound like a childish school girl, I will hate to see him with someone else. I feel sick at the thought. Separations have some real down sides, they can help us forget the all bad things and make us only start to remember the good things. No contact has had the same effect on me! Contact reminds me of who he is - hard to "believe him" when I dont hear it.
But why???????
I agree with everything you wrote. And you are so correct...It's not even an option. And although I hate to sound like a childish school girl, I will hate to see him with someone else. I feel sick at the thought. Separations have some real down sides, they can help us forget the all bad things and make us only start to remember the good things. No contact has had the same effect on me! Contact reminds me of who he is - hard to "believe him" when I dont hear it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
right now he's still USING, so it's not even an option at the moment!
Beth
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
cuz it's worked every time before. cuz then he still has the "trappings" of a "normal" life - it will still LOOK like an intact family and he can tell himself, see? it's not THAT bad. my drug use isn't really HURTING anything.
now i got my house and my couch back, and someone to launder my clothes, and i can pretend to be a dad when i feel like it, and i won't have to put forth the effort to act like a full grown responsible adult.........
now i got my house and my couch back, and someone to launder my clothes, and i can pretend to be a dad when i feel like it, and i won't have to put forth the effort to act like a full grown responsible adult.........
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Because you love him. You want him to fight for you. For him to be cold and distant means this just might happen. Your heart is broken. You sound like a very strong aNd smart woman. You will get through this. I have said the same about my addict, "he wants his cake and eat it to". Keep taking care of you. I promise its hard and painful, but it does get better. 
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