Allow me to introduce myself...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 173
Allow me to introduce myself...
Hi, my name is Malachi, and I am new here. I just wanted to say hello to everyone.
I am 32 years old, I live in NYC, and I am on Day 50 of sobriety. Alcohol was my drug of choice. I drank off and on from about the time I was 18 up until now. Being a naturally shy person, always feeling socially inept and dorky, when I first drank, it was like the answer to all my problems. I felt relaxed, I felt like I liked myself, I felt like I fit in. It was amazing...at first.
I didn't feel like I had a problem when I was in college. I felt like everyone was drinking around the same amount as I was, and all the other people I went to school with were also doing things like drinking to the point of throwing up, passing out, having people draw on them with permanent markers, etc. It seemed like it was socially acceptable at the time, almost bordering on cliche - college dorm kids drinking at keg parties, etc.
I continued to drink after college. All of my friends were drinkers too. I thought it was a coincidence, but now I know that we all gravitated towards each other. I have/had nondrinker friends, but I didn't see them that much, because my first priority was the drinking. I knew I had a problem with alcohol, I wasn't ready to call myself an alcoholic, but I knew I was heading down that road. I've had anxiety problems since I was a kid, and I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, and in certain situations, I would self-medicate with booze. In my mind, I thought since I knowingly and deliberately abused alcohol, that it meant I wasn't an alcoholic. I always thought that once I got rid of what was causing me anxiety, then I could stop self-medicating and go back to normal, problem-free drinking. Anyway, I tried controlling my drinking. I even had a drinking contract - which I broke most of the time. Even the few times I did stick to my contract, it occurred to me that normal people don't need a drinking contract - in fact, they didn't obsess over alcohol the way I did. But I kept trying to control my drinking because the thought of never ever ever drinking again ever in my life - it was unfathomable. Unimaginably terrifying.
I'm a pretty private person, and people who don't know me very well think I took draconian measures by swearing off drinking. I had never been arrested, I pay my bills on time, have a respectable career, maintain good relationships with friends and family, etc. I guess the stereotype of the alcoholic as a skid row hobo is still fairly prevalent. But I don't care what other people think. I know what I know. And I know I cannot drink again. One day, laying in bed, depressed and crying about what I may or may not have done the night before in a drunken stupor, I tried to snap myself out of my self-pity by thinking logically and making a list of all of the good things in my life, and all of the things in my life that were making me so miserable. And it turned out that all of the negatives in my life, all of my problems, had one common thread: alcohol. Even if the source of the problem isn't alcohol, it is definitely a complicating factor. (For example, my anxiety issues: I have had anxiety attacks since I was in kindergarten. I never told anyone about them and didn't have a name for them at the time. Even though drinking wasn't causing the anxiety, it was certaintly making it worse.) So it became clearer and clearer that I needed to take some action.
The straw that broke the camel's back came soon after. I'm not married, not in a relationship, and I have no children. I have two cats that I love more than anything. One of them likes to run out into the hallway whenever I open the front door to my apartment. He can't really go anywhere unless the elevators open, or someone opens one of the stairwell doors. But I still go out and catch him and bring him inside. Well anyone, one night I blacked out. I was out drinking with a friend in a bar, and that was the last memory I had. The next thing I knew, it was around 6am, and I was wandering around my apartment. I heard this insistent meowing outside my apartment door. Confused, I opened the door to find my cat sitting outside, meowing and pawing at the door to be let in. I was so horrified by what could have happened (I LIVE for my cats), I decided right then and there to quit drinking. I went online and ordered every book I could find about recovery, and I started reading - I still am. I didn't quit drinking right then, but at that point I knew my days were numbered, and I set a quit date for a month in the future. Maybe I would do it differently now, but I felt like this was a break-up, or someone I love who knew they were dying. I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to have my last drink and know it was my last drink, and feel it. And the 3 or 4 times I drank after that, I was hypervigilant about not putting my cats in harms' way.
Anyway, my recovery, so far, is pretty eclectic. I have not been to any real-life AA meetings, but a few online ones. I have read so many different approaches to recovery, but I find myself drawn to RR and SMART Recovery. This month-and-a-half has been so full of changes. I have changed every single part of my life; it isn't like I'm doing the same things I used to do, just now without a drink in my hand. Sobriety is my number-one priority, and it is always on my mind. Reading what you all post here has really really helped me. Thanks.
I am 32 years old, I live in NYC, and I am on Day 50 of sobriety. Alcohol was my drug of choice. I drank off and on from about the time I was 18 up until now. Being a naturally shy person, always feeling socially inept and dorky, when I first drank, it was like the answer to all my problems. I felt relaxed, I felt like I liked myself, I felt like I fit in. It was amazing...at first.
I didn't feel like I had a problem when I was in college. I felt like everyone was drinking around the same amount as I was, and all the other people I went to school with were also doing things like drinking to the point of throwing up, passing out, having people draw on them with permanent markers, etc. It seemed like it was socially acceptable at the time, almost bordering on cliche - college dorm kids drinking at keg parties, etc.
I continued to drink after college. All of my friends were drinkers too. I thought it was a coincidence, but now I know that we all gravitated towards each other. I have/had nondrinker friends, but I didn't see them that much, because my first priority was the drinking. I knew I had a problem with alcohol, I wasn't ready to call myself an alcoholic, but I knew I was heading down that road. I've had anxiety problems since I was a kid, and I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, and in certain situations, I would self-medicate with booze. In my mind, I thought since I knowingly and deliberately abused alcohol, that it meant I wasn't an alcoholic. I always thought that once I got rid of what was causing me anxiety, then I could stop self-medicating and go back to normal, problem-free drinking. Anyway, I tried controlling my drinking. I even had a drinking contract - which I broke most of the time. Even the few times I did stick to my contract, it occurred to me that normal people don't need a drinking contract - in fact, they didn't obsess over alcohol the way I did. But I kept trying to control my drinking because the thought of never ever ever drinking again ever in my life - it was unfathomable. Unimaginably terrifying.
I'm a pretty private person, and people who don't know me very well think I took draconian measures by swearing off drinking. I had never been arrested, I pay my bills on time, have a respectable career, maintain good relationships with friends and family, etc. I guess the stereotype of the alcoholic as a skid row hobo is still fairly prevalent. But I don't care what other people think. I know what I know. And I know I cannot drink again. One day, laying in bed, depressed and crying about what I may or may not have done the night before in a drunken stupor, I tried to snap myself out of my self-pity by thinking logically and making a list of all of the good things in my life, and all of the things in my life that were making me so miserable. And it turned out that all of the negatives in my life, all of my problems, had one common thread: alcohol. Even if the source of the problem isn't alcohol, it is definitely a complicating factor. (For example, my anxiety issues: I have had anxiety attacks since I was in kindergarten. I never told anyone about them and didn't have a name for them at the time. Even though drinking wasn't causing the anxiety, it was certaintly making it worse.) So it became clearer and clearer that I needed to take some action.
The straw that broke the camel's back came soon after. I'm not married, not in a relationship, and I have no children. I have two cats that I love more than anything. One of them likes to run out into the hallway whenever I open the front door to my apartment. He can't really go anywhere unless the elevators open, or someone opens one of the stairwell doors. But I still go out and catch him and bring him inside. Well anyone, one night I blacked out. I was out drinking with a friend in a bar, and that was the last memory I had. The next thing I knew, it was around 6am, and I was wandering around my apartment. I heard this insistent meowing outside my apartment door. Confused, I opened the door to find my cat sitting outside, meowing and pawing at the door to be let in. I was so horrified by what could have happened (I LIVE for my cats), I decided right then and there to quit drinking. I went online and ordered every book I could find about recovery, and I started reading - I still am. I didn't quit drinking right then, but at that point I knew my days were numbered, and I set a quit date for a month in the future. Maybe I would do it differently now, but I felt like this was a break-up, or someone I love who knew they were dying. I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to have my last drink and know it was my last drink, and feel it. And the 3 or 4 times I drank after that, I was hypervigilant about not putting my cats in harms' way.
Anyway, my recovery, so far, is pretty eclectic. I have not been to any real-life AA meetings, but a few online ones. I have read so many different approaches to recovery, but I find myself drawn to RR and SMART Recovery. This month-and-a-half has been so full of changes. I have changed every single part of my life; it isn't like I'm doing the same things I used to do, just now without a drink in my hand. Sobriety is my number-one priority, and it is always on my mind. Reading what you all post here has really really helped me. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Welcome to SR Malachi...If you put that attitude that sobriety is your number one priority into RR and Smart....No reason they shouldn't work.....I wish you the best. Glad to have you aboard!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,536
Welcome Malachi! Thanks for an insightful & inspiring post. How I wish I'd been so self-aware at 32. I went on trying to moderate until my life was in chaos.
You'll never have to go through the hell that many of us have. You are saving yourself so much pain - be proud of that. Glad you like the site, and that your kitty was ok!
You'll never have to go through the hell that many of us have. You are saving yourself so much pain - be proud of that. Glad you like the site, and that your kitty was ok!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Present Moment
Posts: 646
Big welcome to you Malachi,
We have a great supportive group here. Glad to have you with us.
PS. Just back from NYC recently. Good thing I did a lot of walking, because I pretty much ate my way thru it
We have a great supportive group here. Glad to have you with us.
PS. Just back from NYC recently. Good thing I did a lot of walking, because I pretty much ate my way thru it
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 23
Hello Malachi,
I can totally relate to what your saying about binge drinking at university. I had the same problem, I almost felt that it was 'expected' of me to go out and get drunk, because, well, that's what students and young people do isn't it? I too am quite shy and reserved, so drinking made me feel relaxed and confident...........well a few drinks made me feel relaxed, a few more made me feel angry, agitated and wanting to start a fight!
I can totally relate to what your saying about binge drinking at university. I had the same problem, I almost felt that it was 'expected' of me to go out and get drunk, because, well, that's what students and young people do isn't it? I too am quite shy and reserved, so drinking made me feel relaxed and confident...........well a few drinks made me feel relaxed, a few more made me feel angry, agitated and wanting to start a fight!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome Malachi
Thanks for writing all that. It sounds like you've really got a good handle on the situation.
It pretty much sums up my own story too, except I didn't have any anxiety attacks before I started drinking and I don't have cats. Oh and I definitely had a drinking problem before I went to college. It was the only place where my drinking levels were seen as acceptable.
Look forward to hearing more from you x
Thanks for writing all that. It sounds like you've really got a good handle on the situation.
It pretty much sums up my own story too, except I didn't have any anxiety attacks before I started drinking and I don't have cats. Oh and I definitely had a drinking problem before I went to college. It was the only place where my drinking levels were seen as acceptable.
Look forward to hearing more from you x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
Welcome friend! Thank you for posting your story... it sounds so very familiar! My last drink was about the same time as yours... a lot of positive things have taken place during that time. One of the biggest things that keeps me away from drinking now is that I know that I don't want to just have "one" ... or "two" ... or "three" ... if I drink I want more than my body can handle... everytime... or else it is unsatisfying to me. Because of this I realize that if I do indeed drink then that is how life will be... constantly getting black-out drunk and feeling unsatisfied. Doesn't sound like much fun when I think about it like that! Keep posting I hope to see you here for a long time to come!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,525
Hi Malachi and welcome. I could have written a lot of your post myself. I'll be 32 next month and lived in NYC for 12 years (recently I moved out to Long Island.) Like you, I also relate a lot to RR and Smart Recovery. And most people who know me (even my husband) don't think I have a drinking problem, but I know I do. I went 8 months sober in the past and then fell off the wagon. I'm now on my second and I hope final attempt.
Good luck in your continued sobriety.
Good luck in your continued sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 300
Thank you Malachi for your post. You obviously are a very determined person with 50 days down already - good on you! I am behind you with only 15 but, like you, I knew my life was heading one way only if I didn't sort myself out. Share your experiences with us, this forum is my rock and you've got so much to say that will inspire people. Best of luck with your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 26
Hey Malachi...
I know this post is old, but I found it after clicking on ur avatar in my smoking thread lol. My family has a beautiful dog that was hit by a car, was paralyzed, and ALMOST needed a cart. Luckily her nerves mostly grew back and she can sorta walk again....I wanted to get a closer look of the cute pup in ur avatar!!
After clicking around, I came across this post, and saw u were a cat-lover...and had an incident with one of them that inspired u to change! I'm going through something pretty similar if u wanna check it out!:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4056532
AND CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR CONTINUED SOBRIETY!! I hope ur cats are doing well also!!
I know this post is old, but I found it after clicking on ur avatar in my smoking thread lol. My family has a beautiful dog that was hit by a car, was paralyzed, and ALMOST needed a cart. Luckily her nerves mostly grew back and she can sorta walk again....I wanted to get a closer look of the cute pup in ur avatar!!
After clicking around, I came across this post, and saw u were a cat-lover...and had an incident with one of them that inspired u to change! I'm going through something pretty similar if u wanna check it out!:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4056532
AND CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR CONTINUED SOBRIETY!!
I hope ur cats are doing well also!!
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