ItIsAboutTime

My husband texted yesterday morning to say he was on his way to the VA for treatment. Eight hours later I hadn't heard from him so I put on my detective hat and found out he never went. He couldn't tell me what he was doing that was so important he got 'sidetracked' on the way to treatment but that he would eventually get there that evening. I told him that he failed to follow through on what he said and that showed me he wasn't serious about getting help. I made it clear that I was not going to wait around for him, that I was moving on with my life and not holding my breath for him. I guess he finally took me seriously because he called his parents crying and his dad took him in. I have confirmed he is there, at least until Monday when he can be evaluated by the psychiatrist. He claims that he has told the doctors everything including how many pills he has been taking and that he has been getting them illegally too but I won't believe that until I talk to the doctor.

When he called from the hospital this morning I didn't cut him any slack. No coddling, no sweet talking, I was very blunt with him telling him that I refuse to continue living my life with an addict and that I hope he was serious about treatment this time but I wasn't keeping my hopes up. He said I was being mean and I told him that I am still angry and bitter from all that he's put me and the kids through.

My question here is how can you be supportive to someone in treatment without enabling them? Without buying into what is probably bs? How do you tell when someone is dedicated to treatment and when they are just going through the motions to preserve their way of life?

suki44883

You know they are serious when they follow through and keep doing it. You can't believe a word they say, so you have to watch their actions. You are right to concern yourself with your own well-being. He is going to do whatever he wants to do. If he does seek recovery, remember that his recovery is his to own. You don't need to be checking up on him or talking to his doctor or anything else. You will know by his actions whether or not he is serious. This will all take time, perhaps a year or more before you will know for sure. In the meantime, take care of yourself and your children.

Kindeyes

When their actions speak louder than their words.

gentle hugs
ke

laurie6781

Answer:

You can't. Well at least I couldn't. I stated my boundaries. Then I had to just stand back and WATCH.

When a call would come, I would say 'that's nice' to WHATEVER they said, and my final comment would be, SHOW ME, don't talk about it. And I would hang up. And ....................................... it was rare when I would take a call.

For me, when my A would reach out with a phone call, and then start whining or crying about how hard it was or whatever or start to try the old manipulation tactics ONE MORE TIME I realized that I had to just BACK AWAY and allow them to sink or swim with help from those who had been there. I had/have enough recovery of my own for so many years, that I KNEW I was NOT the one to be able to 'help' them, or 'support' them in their recovery. They needed to learn the 'tools' from those that were also in recovery and NOT EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED with them.

And the MOST IMPORTANT thing I did was for me, I got back into WORKING ON ME. The only one I could help in the whole situation was ME. So I had to WORK and LIVE the program of Living that I would like to see the A live.

I know it sounds simple and is very very hard in reality. I had to keep reminding myself that the only one I COULD encourage without enabling way ME. Thus whether the A made/makes it or not, I would.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Zenseeker

I asked my boyfriend this morning how I am supposed to separate fact from lies... We've been together two years and it took me most of the first year to figure out that he smoked crack "occasionally". Before I moved in I told him he needed to be upfront with me and tell me when he did it. He would tell me when he brought a stash home for a night on the couch with his pipe. This was hard to bear but I have no experience with addiction so I guess I didn't see the signs and in my attempt to be open minded and believe that someone can have a casual crack habit I fear I ended up enabling him. Stupid I see now but I didn't know. He has been pushing me away slowly for months and then last Wednesday morning he finally admitted he didn't have enough money for gas to get to work. He makes good money.... He took his bank card and credit card out of his wallet and gave them to me. He told me he has been smoking crack pretty much every day for quite some time and far more often than he has admitted to me all along.
I love him with all my heart but I don't know how to support him. He doesn't want to talk about it and I need reassurance even though I know I can't believe what he says to me no matter how much I want to. My question is, I didn't know he was using every day right under my nose so how do I know when he's not?

blindsided08

I can relate to all of you in this post. it's so hard to support and not enable. I'm an always caring, emotional, and affectionate person..aka codependent. I'm lucky enough that my boyfriend is showing extreme strides and improvement in his recovery..but there is always that question of what if? how do I know he is telling me the truth? I'm struggling now with when, if ever will that feeling go away or am I goin to be dealing with this for the rest of my life if i stay with him? constantly having to be suspicious or draw a line between supportive and enabling..it's a tough rope to walk. I'm still learning how to handle myself, one day I'm better && the next I've let myself back slide. I too am struggling with how to know what to do and when..you're not alone.!!

LoveMeNow

He is an addict and always will be. He either active or in recovery. And we can't forget about the relapses which some say is part of recovery. ughhh

My husband is an addict, he is forever changed....and so am I!!

Good luck and God Bless,

:ghug3

Zenseeker

This forum is an oasis for me. I feel lucky that my man still has his job and has decided to get clean before he loses everything. I want to support him in this decision but I know he has to do this himself - for him and no one else. He used to be a dealer in his teens / early 20s and then quit for ten years. But one whiff was all it took three years ago. This was all before I met him. Reading over all the threads on this site have made me realize I need to step back. I need to stop wanting him to say things cause I will never be able to figure out when he's lying. I just need to see what he does. And listen to my instincts cause they've been right all along. I will stay as long as his actions match his plan. When my stomach is in knots for days on end and I know he's back using I will do what I know needs to be done to preserve my own sanity.
Or at least that's what I tell myself today. Thanks for the wisdom. I am strong and I will get through this. I am learning that whether I hope he does or not will have no impact on the outcome - this is up to him and him alone.
I can't control what he says or does. I can only control how I react.