lesliej

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good.

Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in their own way. If their arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as they wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including themselves, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful.

In trying to make these arrangements Codependents may sometimes be quite virtuous. We may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self- sacrificing. On the other hand, we may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, we are more likely to have varied traits.


What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. We begin to think life doesn't treat us right. We decide to exert ourselves more. We become, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit us. Admitting we may be somewhat at fault, we are sure that other people are more to blame. We become angry, indignant, self-pitying.

What is our basic trouble? Are we not really self-seekers even when trying to be kind? Are we not a victim of the delusion that we can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if we only manage it well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things we want? And do not our actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Are we not, even at our best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?


Our actor is self-centered — ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness — self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the codependent is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though we usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we codependents must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it will destroy us!

Faith in a higher power makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without the aid of such a sense of greater power than ourselves. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have the help of a higher power..the group, a community, faith in God, Universal Spirit, a higher Love…whatever it is for us.

This is the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, our sense of a higher power was going to be our Director. Faith and belief in that higher power is the Principal; we are only agents. Most Good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed.

We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, we are provided what we need, if we keep close to our belief in trust in this higher power and perform our work of life with that trust. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our own little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of the presence of this greater power or spirit, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.


For those of you you have never been to a meeting or read any recovery literature...this is the thing...this is an excerpt from the book Alcoholics Anonymous. I simply changed the language to be "codependent" instead of "alcoholic". If reading it felt right for you, then you will have a clear illustration of how our "addictions" are all so so similar!!

This excerpt is what leads up to Step 3, which is when we turn OUR will over to the faith, sense or belief in the love of a higher power that does indeed flow through the world!

Kindeyes

Thank you for sharing....interesting that it was an excerpt from the big book.......

I also believe that there are some glaring similarities between the A and the codependent. I believe that I became as sick as the A's in my life and my thinking became just as distorted.

It is a journey....isn't it?

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

I have had a Big Book of AA for years now, I use it often when I am working steps because, just like you have posted here, the program is the same and it has helped me more than any other source.

Thanks for sharing this Leslie.

Hugs

sugarbear1

we are in the care of a power greater than us, we are to align our will with that power that is greater than us, not turn our will over. We always have our free will.