Help with my daughter!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Lodi, CA
Posts: 3
Help with my daughter!
I'm beside myself. My daughter has had drinking problems off and on for years. She's 28 years old. I have a 7 year old grandson and an adorable 3 month old granddaughter. (She's a single mom, there are 2 dads involved and I would bet huge amounts of drinking led to her pregnancies. Don't get me wrong, my grandkids are my life, I'm just saying) My concern is for her but mostly for them! I drink also and I feel a huge amount of responsibility for her problems. She got a DUI 2 years ago but thank God, she was alone. She attended classes but I don't think they helped a bit.
We went out Friday night (the first time she's been out for about 8 months) for wine tasting and to listen to a local band she knows. Her friend went also, I was the DD. The evening went well, we danced, had a great time. (As background, my daughter is my best friend, we talk several times a day, I see her several times a week. We spend a LOT of time together). Towards the end of the evening, I tried to get her to slow down. We still had to go get the kids and she had to take care of Maddie during the night. She even fell at the wine cellar. Her friend and I had to hold her to get to the car, she kept saying she was embarrassed. When we got to her house I would not let her hold the baby (thank goodness my grandson stayed at the friend's house) and she FLIPPED! She was determined to take the baby and tried to grab her out of my arms. I was just trying to put her in bed. Once I laid her down my daughter grabbed her up and tried to leave her bedroom. I stood in the doorway and my daughter finally slammed the door, screamed "THAT IS IT, I'M DONE WITH YOU"!!!! I waited a bit, went back in, my daughter was asleep, I turned off the light, waited for Maddie to go down and then back through locked up and left. (Maddie is sleeping through the night)
Yesterday, my daughter called in the afternoon, very curt and said, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I tried to talk to her, she wouldn't talk. She acted like the yelling was the only problem. She won't get help.
I'm too embarrassed to talk to any of my friends so I found this online help group. I honestly don't know what to do. I've been in tears off and on since. We've had other issues but I've never stood up to her and made her address her problems. I know I should probably completely stop drinking or at least around her but I would love for us to have a normal life. Am I fooling myself that that can ever be?
HELP!
We went out Friday night (the first time she's been out for about 8 months) for wine tasting and to listen to a local band she knows. Her friend went also, I was the DD. The evening went well, we danced, had a great time. (As background, my daughter is my best friend, we talk several times a day, I see her several times a week. We spend a LOT of time together). Towards the end of the evening, I tried to get her to slow down. We still had to go get the kids and she had to take care of Maddie during the night. She even fell at the wine cellar. Her friend and I had to hold her to get to the car, she kept saying she was embarrassed. When we got to her house I would not let her hold the baby (thank goodness my grandson stayed at the friend's house) and she FLIPPED! She was determined to take the baby and tried to grab her out of my arms. I was just trying to put her in bed. Once I laid her down my daughter grabbed her up and tried to leave her bedroom. I stood in the doorway and my daughter finally slammed the door, screamed "THAT IS IT, I'M DONE WITH YOU"!!!! I waited a bit, went back in, my daughter was asleep, I turned off the light, waited for Maddie to go down and then back through locked up and left. (Maddie is sleeping through the night)
Yesterday, my daughter called in the afternoon, very curt and said, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I tried to talk to her, she wouldn't talk. She acted like the yelling was the only problem. She won't get help.
I'm too embarrassed to talk to any of my friends so I found this online help group. I honestly don't know what to do. I've been in tears off and on since. We've had other issues but I've never stood up to her and made her address her problems. I know I should probably completely stop drinking or at least around her but I would love for us to have a normal life. Am I fooling myself that that can ever be?
HELP!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Welcome dmills400. This is a great forum and you will get some solid advice here. It has been my lifeline as last year I left my husband, who is an alcoholic. One of my biggest reasons for doing so was seeing the damage his drinking behavior was doing to our four children. Growing up in a home with someone who drinks to excess is terribly damaging for kids.
It sounds like you've already passed the 'normal life' mark. A mother who drinks to the point where she puts her 3 month old infant in physical danger may be in deep trouble. What goes on when you are not there?
Check out Al Anon meetings in your area. They are for people who have a loved one with an alcohol problem. Just Google Al Anon and your county name and you will find the local website with meeting times and days.
Others will be along to offer advice and input. You are not alone. Welcome again and keep posting.
It sounds like you've already passed the 'normal life' mark. A mother who drinks to the point where she puts her 3 month old infant in physical danger may be in deep trouble. What goes on when you are not there?
Check out Al Anon meetings in your area. They are for people who have a loved one with an alcohol problem. Just Google Al Anon and your county name and you will find the local website with meeting times and days.
Others will be along to offer advice and input. You are not alone. Welcome again and keep posting.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
One of the first concepts I learned when I arrived was the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I will not Cure it
It was hard to accept that I couldn't fix my loved ones alcoholism. Eventually, I came to terms with the truth that I was powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.
It seems your daughter's stop button is broken. She is unable to stop when she starts drinking. There isn't a repair job for broken stop buttons. Unfortunately, alcoholism is progressive and it gets worse if left untreated.
There is a good book about alcoholism that helped me understand how some people can become completely addicted to alcohol. The book is "Under the Influence" and there is a post here at SR that contains excerpts from that book. I will post a link that takes you to the excerpts:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
One of the first concepts I learned when I arrived was the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I will not Cure it
It was hard to accept that I couldn't fix my loved ones alcoholism. Eventually, I came to terms with the truth that I was powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.
It seems your daughter's stop button is broken. She is unable to stop when she starts drinking. There isn't a repair job for broken stop buttons. Unfortunately, alcoholism is progressive and it gets worse if left untreated.
There is a good book about alcoholism that helped me understand how some people can become completely addicted to alcohol. The book is "Under the Influence" and there is a post here at SR that contains excerpts from that book. I will post a link that takes you to the excerpts:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Lodi, CA
Posts: 3
Thank you for the kind words. I just can't seem to get over this. I haven't seen her or the kids since I left her house. She's called a couple of times for little things and we've talked. I'm sure she's waiting for me to "get over it"! I was supposed to go to a bbq at her house yesterday but I cancelled. I just can't seem to get the image of her grabbing that baby and screaming at me out of my head. She will NOT discuss the situation at all!!!!! I have lost my best friend and my heart is broken. I will check into the meetings and read more I guess. I just feel helpless. Donna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Lodi, CA
Posts: 3
Oh, in answer to Soaring Spirits I don't think she's drinking daily. I may be completely fooling myself but we talk a lot and I can tell when she's got a buzz.
The nail was hit on the head when they said she just doesn't have a stop button. The sad part is that I've been that way too. I don't want to act all holier than thou. I didn't really drink much until the last few years. I'm divorced, lost my job, lost both parents, my son is schizophrenic. I'm not saying those are excuses. The difference is that I don't drive when I'm drinking nor do I put my kids or grandkids in danger. They are not part of the equation. Also, since she's been having problems, I slowed down a lot. I really thought her DUI had been a wake-up call for her. That, and the fact that she was pregnant. She had stopped drinking during pregnancy and while she was nursing. Again, no excuses here, I just wanted to paint a picture. She's a great mom most of the time, keeps a good home, babysits.
I don't even know what I want from her. Maybe to acknowledge the situation?
Sorry, I'm rambling. Again, just can't seem to get it out of my head. Haven't been sleeping well and have horrible acid reflux (it had been much better, guess it IS stress related)! Thanks again for the support, Donna
The nail was hit on the head when they said she just doesn't have a stop button. The sad part is that I've been that way too. I don't want to act all holier than thou. I didn't really drink much until the last few years. I'm divorced, lost my job, lost both parents, my son is schizophrenic. I'm not saying those are excuses. The difference is that I don't drive when I'm drinking nor do I put my kids or grandkids in danger. They are not part of the equation. Also, since she's been having problems, I slowed down a lot. I really thought her DUI had been a wake-up call for her. That, and the fact that she was pregnant. She had stopped drinking during pregnancy and while she was nursing. Again, no excuses here, I just wanted to paint a picture. She's a great mom most of the time, keeps a good home, babysits.
I don't even know what I want from her. Maybe to acknowledge the situation?
Sorry, I'm rambling. Again, just can't seem to get it out of my head. Haven't been sleeping well and have horrible acid reflux (it had been much better, guess it IS stress related)! Thanks again for the support, Donna
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