...He did it again...Do not know what to do??
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5
...He did it again...Do not know what to do??
Hello to all,
I am very hurt and really dont know what to do anymore with my alcoholic boyfriend.
Back In February, my boyfriend decided that he needed a break from our relationship due to his issues with alcohol. He was trying to stop, did not like his life, did not like who he was....well that break lasted one month where I did not see him at all, I occassionally received texts messages from him. Then he came back. We talked and eventually got back together. I thought everything would be fine and the fact that he is the one who initiated the end of the break! But i was wrong....he was still drinking, told me he had missed me, told me he loved me....we were talking about future plans together! Since then, i witnessed him being violent( not towards me!) when his puppy was acting up, he also was at times very rude with me to the point that my self esteem was going down. He was always tired , did not want to really do anything (with me at least!) but had time and willingness to hang out with his drinking buddies. Did not keep promises ! Would call me to say he would come over after work but never did. Would say he would call me after work after work but never did. It felt like he did not want to be around me anymore but did not want to say it! I did ask him to end the relationship since he was not happy with himself and did not think he could be a good boyfriend at the present time but he refused. Now , it's been 2 weeks i havent seen him and 1 week i havent talked with him. Last friday, we had our last conversation about going to a place of my choice the next day...next day came around and nothing....since then nothing....I do know that a week ago, he was trying to stop drinking !... I am really hurt because once again he did not keep his promise and has dissappeared on me ....for how long i dont know??? My questions are : Is this a normal behavior for an alcoholic??? Should I just move on since he does not want my help( He stated that when he tries to stop the drinking...he rather be alone! so i dont see him depressed!)
It really hurt because I fell in love with him. I have never met anyone with whom i have so much in common! I was even ready to move across the country to go home with him so he could take care of some issues over there. I tried to be compassionate and understanding by going along with what he wanted to do because he is a little self centered( is this a typical trait of alcoholic?).. I really cant do it anymore..being ditch like this every 2 months, being an option in his life instead of one of his priorities. I am confused as to what to do ...when he comes back because iam sure he will!
I would love to hear some advice from people who have been in similar situation. Is this relationship worth fighting for or is it helpless???
I am very hurt and really dont know what to do anymore with my alcoholic boyfriend.
Back In February, my boyfriend decided that he needed a break from our relationship due to his issues with alcohol. He was trying to stop, did not like his life, did not like who he was....well that break lasted one month where I did not see him at all, I occassionally received texts messages from him. Then he came back. We talked and eventually got back together. I thought everything would be fine and the fact that he is the one who initiated the end of the break! But i was wrong....he was still drinking, told me he had missed me, told me he loved me....we were talking about future plans together! Since then, i witnessed him being violent( not towards me!) when his puppy was acting up, he also was at times very rude with me to the point that my self esteem was going down. He was always tired , did not want to really do anything (with me at least!) but had time and willingness to hang out with his drinking buddies. Did not keep promises ! Would call me to say he would come over after work but never did. Would say he would call me after work after work but never did. It felt like he did not want to be around me anymore but did not want to say it! I did ask him to end the relationship since he was not happy with himself and did not think he could be a good boyfriend at the present time but he refused. Now , it's been 2 weeks i havent seen him and 1 week i havent talked with him. Last friday, we had our last conversation about going to a place of my choice the next day...next day came around and nothing....since then nothing....I do know that a week ago, he was trying to stop drinking !... I am really hurt because once again he did not keep his promise and has dissappeared on me ....for how long i dont know??? My questions are : Is this a normal behavior for an alcoholic??? Should I just move on since he does not want my help( He stated that when he tries to stop the drinking...he rather be alone! so i dont see him depressed!)
It really hurt because I fell in love with him. I have never met anyone with whom i have so much in common! I was even ready to move across the country to go home with him so he could take care of some issues over there. I tried to be compassionate and understanding by going along with what he wanted to do because he is a little self centered( is this a typical trait of alcoholic?).. I really cant do it anymore..being ditch like this every 2 months, being an option in his life instead of one of his priorities. I am confused as to what to do ...when he comes back because iam sure he will!
I would love to hear some advice from people who have been in similar situation. Is this relationship worth fighting for or is it helpless???
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
My experience is limited and I certainly have not done what I see would have been best (looking back) for both of us which would have been to leave and cut ties. Instead, I have spent 4 years praying, hoping, crying, drama of ups/downs. Don't get me wrong, there have been many good times and I love him dearly. My XABF is not currently in my life bc repeated behavior. I was not familiar w any of this and I think I though thinks would be different. He loved me, right! Well, I have learned it's not simple, it's not easy and most stories are the same but the names have been changed. My XABF is not cruel or mean. Actually he is sad by his behavior and ashamed. However, not enough to change his life. I do believe that if he is mean to a puppy than....watch out! But then I have this big spot in my heart for animals. But you are dealing with a progressive disease. Do not Kidd yourself there....it's horrible! It's sad and destroys some of the sweetest most successful people. It's not something you can fix and certainly nothing you caused. The worst part for me it seeing not only what it has done to the man I love but to me. The rejection....horrible degrading. Please take care of yourself and remember it's not about you. Your action and behavior are important too....but not allow the rejection into your head. It hurts...damages...horrible! I hope you will keep this in mind and make a decision that is best for you. Think long term and take care. Best wishes to you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Only you can decide if this is how you want to spend your life.
His addiction is the prime focus of his life. If you choose to be involved with him you are choosing to be second fiddle. Your life will revolve around his drinking, and the consequences of his actions while drinking.
XA and I always maintained separate homes. When he would disappear for a few days, I knew he was on a big binge. We did not have contact during these periods, he would reappear after 3 or 4 days. looked and smelled like death. Of course he drank everyday under the pretense of being a "social drinker". Our lives revolved around his need for alcohol. He had to have a certain level of booze in his system to function. It was so sad to witness what was happening to him. He was losing control, and my life was consumed by his choices. It was pure insanity.
The best advice I can offer is take the time to educate yourself about addiction. I had no idea what I was up against. All the love in the world cannot heal him.
You asked if this relationship is worth fighting for???? My answer is NO. Rehab is not a guarantee. He is years away from being able to be in any type of relationship. How far down the hole are you willing to go???
You are worth so much more than he is able to offer at this time. Time to focus on YOU
You are not alone. Keep posting.
His addiction is the prime focus of his life. If you choose to be involved with him you are choosing to be second fiddle. Your life will revolve around his drinking, and the consequences of his actions while drinking.
XA and I always maintained separate homes. When he would disappear for a few days, I knew he was on a big binge. We did not have contact during these periods, he would reappear after 3 or 4 days. looked and smelled like death. Of course he drank everyday under the pretense of being a "social drinker". Our lives revolved around his need for alcohol. He had to have a certain level of booze in his system to function. It was so sad to witness what was happening to him. He was losing control, and my life was consumed by his choices. It was pure insanity.
The best advice I can offer is take the time to educate yourself about addiction. I had no idea what I was up against. All the love in the world cannot heal him.
You asked if this relationship is worth fighting for???? My answer is NO. Rehab is not a guarantee. He is years away from being able to be in any type of relationship. How far down the hole are you willing to go???
You are worth so much more than he is able to offer at this time. Time to focus on YOU
You are not alone. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
For alcoholics booze is the most important thing in life, it is their higher power, God, soul mate and best friend. People are secondary. It helps to step back and ask what kind of relationships you want. Does this relationship enrich your life or drag you down? How do you feel about someone hurting a puppy? About being put down by someone who professes to love you? Al-anon is a big help because it teaches us we're powerless over alcohol; there is nothing we can do or say that will keep someone from drinking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 38
Prior to my AH going to treatment he would disappear for hours and occassionaly for 2-3 days. I always knew where he was and I knew what he was doing. He was not trying to get sober, he was binging. When he would be gone for days, he would come home very tired, very sorry and want to work things out with me and say that he needed to quit but he could do it on his own. He wouldn't be drinking as much but that was just because he couldn't - he was too tired from the binge he had been on.
I'm not saying this is the case with your AB but it is something you should consider.
No one can tell you if you should end the relationship with him, that is something you need to figure out for yourself. He says he doesn't want your help, listen to that - because you can't help him with his alchohol problem, he has to do that for himself.
The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself, find an al-anon meeting, read the sticky's and the posts here from others who have walked in your shoes. You will find that quite a few people have similar stories with the A in their life.
I think the hardest thing I had to do was to accept that my situation was not unique or different from anyone else's here. I had to quit believing that just because I loved him and he loved me we could solve this together and he would just quit drinking. It just doesn't work that way.
I'm not saying this is the case with your AB but it is something you should consider.
No one can tell you if you should end the relationship with him, that is something you need to figure out for yourself. He says he doesn't want your help, listen to that - because you can't help him with his alchohol problem, he has to do that for himself.
The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself, find an al-anon meeting, read the sticky's and the posts here from others who have walked in your shoes. You will find that quite a few people have similar stories with the A in their life.
I think the hardest thing I had to do was to accept that my situation was not unique or different from anyone else's here. I had to quit believing that just because I loved him and he loved me we could solve this together and he would just quit drinking. It just doesn't work that way.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
He did it again.
And he will keep doing it because you keep allowing him to come back and repeat the pattern.
He is doing what alcoholics do. Lie, deny, manipulate, blame shift, avoid responsibility, etc.
You get to decide what your one precious life will include.
And he will keep doing it because you keep allowing him to come back and repeat the pattern.
He is doing what alcoholics do. Lie, deny, manipulate, blame shift, avoid responsibility, etc.
You get to decide what your one precious life will include.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5
Thank you to all for responding! I need to clarify something which was mentionned in most posts( sorry but english is not my language!) ...He did not touch the puppy ...he was violent towards everything in his house...threw chairs around ,broke lights....It is no excuse for sure! Any other day, i would have left ...but was afraid he could eventually hurt the puppy or hurt himself! I stayed to calm him down! ..
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
If it were me...I'd move on..you have no future with him, he has violent tendancies and nothing good will come out of staying with him...next the chair will be directed at you...he is an abuser...not my rules...just how it works.
Take care of you.
Take care of you.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Why do you have low standards for a man who is in your life?
Abuse is abuse and it starts with things. The dog will be next, then you.
Why not leave him alone and find out why you do this to yourself? Get yourself well and find a man who is employed, shares similar interests as you, and who will treat you as a human being?
You are worthy of a good relationship. This one will only get worse and there is nothing you can do to change his alcoholism; you can and are enabling him to continue to act in this manner. This can change.
I wish you well,
Abuse is abuse and it starts with things. The dog will be next, then you.
Why not leave him alone and find out why you do this to yourself? Get yourself well and find a man who is employed, shares similar interests as you, and who will treat you as a human being?
You are worthy of a good relationship. This one will only get worse and there is nothing you can do to change his alcoholism; you can and are enabling him to continue to act in this manner. This can change.
I wish you well,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I would take the puppy and leave him to his own problems. He stands you up, doesn't call and generally treats you like you are not important. that speaks volumes.
you deserve to be treated with respect and so does the dog.
you deserve to be treated with respect and so does the dog.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
there are people who appreciate kindness and will treat you with respect. this guy sounds like a complete selfish, immature idiot. he is NOT worth your time....that's right YOUR TIME.
please, stop trying to please him and stop worrying about him...he thrives on the drama.
why put yourself through it when there are so many who would treat you well.. (keep that dog)!
please, stop trying to please him and stop worrying about him...he thrives on the drama.
why put yourself through it when there are so many who would treat you well.. (keep that dog)!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by paistropical 
My questions are : Is this a normal behavior for an alcoholic???
Should I just move on since he does not want my help(
Should I just move on since he does not want my help(
You deserve better than this.
Keep posting, and welcome! :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Move on and take the poor puppy. Dr. Phil says when someone shows you who they are- believe them. Candy the interventionist on that show says what part of you is loving that man? What are his actions showing you ? Let go or be dragged- Zen quote.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by suki44883
He was violent toward a puppy? That's all I'd need to know to say bye, bye Charlie. What a jerk.
I'd highly suggest you find some Alanon meetings to attend. Also get "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Both were real eye-openers for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I guess I have low standards because of my low self esteem and my shyness. I am working on it very hard in the hope of people stopping to take my kindness for a weakness!
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