Something Positive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 21
Something Positive
It has been a month since my AGF & I had an almost relationship ending fight. We’ve taken many steps both together and independently since then to try and mend the relationship and more importantly ourselves. As a whole, things are much better and seem to be on a positive trend. I just wanted to share something positive with everyone for a change. It would be nice to see more such sharing here at SR as hope is a wonderful thing to have when it is possible.
After the fight and a week of reflection we both decided not to give up. We agreed on a time period of 3 months that we are going to give this relationship our all and realistically asses where we stand at the end. I know some of you will laugh at this (please do as I know we all need a laugh), but I created an Excell spread sheet to collectively keep up with things. Day by day I note what has occurred in areas that I identified as being trouble areas in our relationship: Honesty, Inconsistency, Suspicious Behavior, Abusive Language, and of course Sobriety. It has been very enlightening to be able to examine the reality of the situation. The positive part is that I can see a definite trend in improvement in some areas. However, this has also illuminated the ugly truth in others.
What I’m seeing is that many of the behavioral issues are improving tremendously while sobriety is and isn’t. This is the crux of the situation and an aspect I’ve suggested to many fellow SR friends to consider. Is it the sobriety itself that causes us so much difficulty? Is it the behavior that comes along with it? Is the behavior unique to sobriety or an underlying cognitive issue independent of sobriety? I think the answer to all the above is yes & no depending on your specific situation. I can say that for me, I have more difficulty dealing with behavioral issues, such as lying & abusiveness, than I do with weather my AGF is sober or not. They’re still there when she’s sober, they only become intensified and more complex when she isn’t.
Some of the tools we’ve introduced to our lives I credit with what progress we’re seeing. I think we had been trying to do many of these things unsuccessfully due to miscommunication and perception. We were able to find an amazing therapist that specializes in addiction/alcoholism and couples therapy. That has been the real breakthrough I think. It has helped me see how some of my codependent behavior and thinking has contributed to our problems and it has helped my AGF see how her behaviors and thinking has done the same. We’ve been able to identify areas that we both feel hurt and fearful of in the relationship and how we’ve come to feel this way, some by reaction to things the other has done and some by relation to things in our pasts. Our communication has improved a lot too. We’re learning to present our feelings vulnerably and trustingly to one another and it has been amazing in how that diminishes so many fears about what we imagine the other is thinking or doing. It has also been very helpful for each of us to hear the other describing our perspective to the therapist and then seeing how it relates to our cognitive process (past experiences, fears, insecurities, etc).
Independently my AGF is attending more AA meetings, seeing her therapist more regularly, and being more involved with her step work. I am reading “Codependent No More” & Carl Jung’s work on consciousness and working on my 12 steps (step 2). We’re both developing a better understanding of our HP and talk a lot about it together. This is a slow process but it is a process that seems to be working. Please feel free to share your thoughts and feelings. You have all been and continue to be a huge part of my program and life.
After the fight and a week of reflection we both decided not to give up. We agreed on a time period of 3 months that we are going to give this relationship our all and realistically asses where we stand at the end. I know some of you will laugh at this (please do as I know we all need a laugh), but I created an Excell spread sheet to collectively keep up with things. Day by day I note what has occurred in areas that I identified as being trouble areas in our relationship: Honesty, Inconsistency, Suspicious Behavior, Abusive Language, and of course Sobriety. It has been very enlightening to be able to examine the reality of the situation. The positive part is that I can see a definite trend in improvement in some areas. However, this has also illuminated the ugly truth in others.
What I’m seeing is that many of the behavioral issues are improving tremendously while sobriety is and isn’t. This is the crux of the situation and an aspect I’ve suggested to many fellow SR friends to consider. Is it the sobriety itself that causes us so much difficulty? Is it the behavior that comes along with it? Is the behavior unique to sobriety or an underlying cognitive issue independent of sobriety? I think the answer to all the above is yes & no depending on your specific situation. I can say that for me, I have more difficulty dealing with behavioral issues, such as lying & abusiveness, than I do with weather my AGF is sober or not. They’re still there when she’s sober, they only become intensified and more complex when she isn’t.
Some of the tools we’ve introduced to our lives I credit with what progress we’re seeing. I think we had been trying to do many of these things unsuccessfully due to miscommunication and perception. We were able to find an amazing therapist that specializes in addiction/alcoholism and couples therapy. That has been the real breakthrough I think. It has helped me see how some of my codependent behavior and thinking has contributed to our problems and it has helped my AGF see how her behaviors and thinking has done the same. We’ve been able to identify areas that we both feel hurt and fearful of in the relationship and how we’ve come to feel this way, some by reaction to things the other has done and some by relation to things in our pasts. Our communication has improved a lot too. We’re learning to present our feelings vulnerably and trustingly to one another and it has been amazing in how that diminishes so many fears about what we imagine the other is thinking or doing. It has also been very helpful for each of us to hear the other describing our perspective to the therapist and then seeing how it relates to our cognitive process (past experiences, fears, insecurities, etc).
Independently my AGF is attending more AA meetings, seeing her therapist more regularly, and being more involved with her step work. I am reading “Codependent No More” & Carl Jung’s work on consciousness and working on my 12 steps (step 2). We’re both developing a better understanding of our HP and talk a lot about it together. This is a slow process but it is a process that seems to be working. Please feel free to share your thoughts and feelings. You have all been and continue to be a huge part of my program and life.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Congratulations, dvd5904. Alcoholics, practicing or sober, can have a lot of good qualities that can be beneficial for a successful relationship. Hopefully, you and your lady can make a go of it. The main thing is that you focus on taking care of yourself, and allow her to be responsible for her end of things. Good luck! Hugs, Magic
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
