No graduation for you!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
No graduation for you!
My daughter is now 18 yrs old and is graduating this year. She is a great kid with a big heart. She is graduating with honors and worked hard to do so.
She is DONE with her father. She is done with the lies and empty promises. She has been hurt before by drugs by her bio mom and has such innate wisdom. She cut off all contact with him the day he moved out. She told me to do the same. "Don't feed his addiction, let him go." "Don't bother loving someone, who can't love you back, it's a waste of time." I didn't listen, I had my reasons and/or excuses. Truth is I just didn't have her strength.
He sends her texts, she just deletes them. He calls her, she hits decline. She has decided he is NOT invited to her graduation in May. I am staying out of it although I really didn't agree with her decision at the time she told me but didn't tell her so.
He just sent her a beautiful corsage for her prom and she threw them in the trash. She is strong and means what she says.
Its easy for him to say I poisoned her against him instead of taking responsibilities for his own actions. I have not poisoned her against him, He did!
I still think she should invite him to her graduation. I think it will really hurt her if she doesn't because I didn't invite my father and was later sorry! I know I can't make her decisions for her and I am confused about what I should do or not do.
So far she hasn't cried once, she blocks it from her mind and "seems" to have really accepted it. She says its easier for her because she has been through it before. "Drugs are for losers and no losers are allowed in MY life!"
I try to keep mother and daughter boundaries but I know she sees my swollen eyes and hates him more. She used to be such a Daddy's girl and now she is done with him, I don't blame her but it still makes me sad - for her. She deserved better and needed better!
P.S. He makes the money so she will have no help if she needs it. I am afarid he will shut her off if she doesn't invite him. He owes her and I hate to see her burn that bridge. I can not afford what he can!
She is DONE with her father. She is done with the lies and empty promises. She has been hurt before by drugs by her bio mom and has such innate wisdom. She cut off all contact with him the day he moved out. She told me to do the same. "Don't feed his addiction, let him go." "Don't bother loving someone, who can't love you back, it's a waste of time." I didn't listen, I had my reasons and/or excuses. Truth is I just didn't have her strength.
He sends her texts, she just deletes them. He calls her, she hits decline. She has decided he is NOT invited to her graduation in May. I am staying out of it although I really didn't agree with her decision at the time she told me but didn't tell her so.
He just sent her a beautiful corsage for her prom and she threw them in the trash. She is strong and means what she says.
Its easy for him to say I poisoned her against him instead of taking responsibilities for his own actions. I have not poisoned her against him, He did!
I still think she should invite him to her graduation. I think it will really hurt her if she doesn't because I didn't invite my father and was later sorry! I know I can't make her decisions for her and I am confused about what I should do or not do.
So far she hasn't cried once, she blocks it from her mind and "seems" to have really accepted it. She says its easier for her because she has been through it before. "Drugs are for losers and no losers are allowed in MY life!"
I try to keep mother and daughter boundaries but I know she sees my swollen eyes and hates him more. She used to be such a Daddy's girl and now she is done with him, I don't blame her but it still makes me sad - for her. She deserved better and needed better!
P.S. He makes the money so she will have no help if she needs it. I am afarid he will shut her off if she doesn't invite him. He owes her and I hate to see her burn that bridge. I can not afford what he can!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot 
She says its easier for her because she has been through it before. "Drugs are for losers and no losers are allowed in MY life!"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Whiting Indiana
Posts: 9
Dear lovemenot,
Your daughter is a very strong girl with a good head on her shoulders. I have a addict/alcoholic father as well and it's not easy. It's hard to tell someone what to do even if you have lived that life before because ever person and situation is different. Her decision to not invite her father is hers and hers alone. Unfortunately, the heartache and regrets will also only be hers. She may not regret her decision down the road and God bless her I hope she doesn't, but if she does, that will be between her and her father.
You didnt mention if you and her father are still together or separated or divorced, but what I found most helpful from my own mother during my struggle was the fact that she never took sides and never (around me) talked about love for my father. I mean how could I respect her if she loves a man who doesn't love himself or me?
And furthermore, if her father is going to cut her off financially for not inviting him to her graduation then she doesn't need him. If there's one thing I've learned it's not to try to buy your daughters love and to never threaten anyone who doesn't care if your even around. I would suggest you tell him the situation and if he cuts her off he will lose her forever. She's not the one at fault so why in the world would he punish her? Hope this helps some.
Your daughter is a very strong girl with a good head on her shoulders. I have a addict/alcoholic father as well and it's not easy. It's hard to tell someone what to do even if you have lived that life before because ever person and situation is different. Her decision to not invite her father is hers and hers alone. Unfortunately, the heartache and regrets will also only be hers. She may not regret her decision down the road and God bless her I hope she doesn't, but if she does, that will be between her and her father.
You didnt mention if you and her father are still together or separated or divorced, but what I found most helpful from my own mother during my struggle was the fact that she never took sides and never (around me) talked about love for my father. I mean how could I respect her if she loves a man who doesn't love himself or me?
And furthermore, if her father is going to cut her off financially for not inviting him to her graduation then she doesn't need him. If there's one thing I've learned it's not to try to buy your daughters love and to never threaten anyone who doesn't care if your even around. I would suggest you tell him the situation and if he cuts her off he will lose her forever. She's not the one at fault so why in the world would he punish her? Hope this helps some.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
Your daughter has a right to her own feelings. My daughter did the same thing with her father. After years of being lied to and mistreated emotionally by him, she wrote him out of her life. She even changed her last name to my maiden name, which I went back to when he and I divorced. She hasn't been sorry for one minute about it, either.
I understand your feelings because I too wondered if she was acting rashly. I asked her if she was sure she wanted to change her last name and told her I would not pay to have it done. She assured me that she wanted nothing more to do with him and raised the money herself and went to court by herself and had her name changed. Money is not a good reason to keep someone in your life. She can qualify for scholarships and grants to get her through college. That is what my daughter did.
I understand your feelings because I too wondered if she was acting rashly. I asked her if she was sure she wanted to change her last name and told her I would not pay to have it done. She assured me that she wanted nothing more to do with him and raised the money herself and went to court by herself and had her name changed. Money is not a good reason to keep someone in your life. She can qualify for scholarships and grants to get her through college. That is what my daughter did.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My husband and I are separated. We have been for 6-7 weeks, I am not keeping track. We fought her bio mom for 2 yrs in court for custody because she was an abusive, neglectful, drug (coke) addict. Bio MOM had liberal visitations, but never saw them, never called, nothing! Eventually she signed over parental rights and I adopted my daughter and my son. (My son is another long story for another day but he too wants nothing to with his father but has a lot of anger).
My daughter had such low self esteem, no friends where she lived, lied constantly and was very behind in school. Today, she is a beautiful (inside and out), honest, confident, funny, and strong, young lady. She has good friends, is extremely thoughtful and is graduating with honor. She earned a scholarship and plans to attend college in August.
We are not best friends but I look forward having a "friendship" with her when she is older. Right now, I am just her MOM. I am reliable, honest, fair and never miss an opportunity to tell her I love her with all my heart. She will light up a room with her smile and say "not as much as I love you," and watches to see my smile back.
She knows I love her father and I always will. But not for him, I wouldn't be blessed with 2 beautiful kids. My goal is to be detached from him completely but with love. I have no room in my heart for hate or anger. I will forgive him someday for me...and I pray my kids do the same...for them.
Forgiveness is so hard because he put my kids through this again. He saw what they went through before and did it to them again. That fact alone makes me want to HATE him and sometimes I do!!! But then I know, to hate him will only hurt me and the kids...so I won't give him the satisfaction. He is an addict and his mind is in hell! Ge will someday have to answer to God for his choices.
I remember telling him....It will be the boat, then the cars (just mine, lol), then the house and eventually your family. And it all came true. Now, he has lost his family! I never thought I would see the day when he wouldn't be welcomed at his own daughter's graduation. She was always such a daddy's girl and now she wants nothing to do with him at all. She told me she has no love for the man he is now and I can honestly say I don't blame her.
My daughter had such low self esteem, no friends where she lived, lied constantly and was very behind in school. Today, she is a beautiful (inside and out), honest, confident, funny, and strong, young lady. She has good friends, is extremely thoughtful and is graduating with honor. She earned a scholarship and plans to attend college in August.
We are not best friends but I look forward having a "friendship" with her when she is older. Right now, I am just her MOM. I am reliable, honest, fair and never miss an opportunity to tell her I love her with all my heart. She will light up a room with her smile and say "not as much as I love you," and watches to see my smile back.
She knows I love her father and I always will. But not for him, I wouldn't be blessed with 2 beautiful kids. My goal is to be detached from him completely but with love. I have no room in my heart for hate or anger. I will forgive him someday for me...and I pray my kids do the same...for them.
Forgiveness is so hard because he put my kids through this again. He saw what they went through before and did it to them again. That fact alone makes me want to HATE him and sometimes I do!!! But then I know, to hate him will only hurt me and the kids...so I won't give him the satisfaction. He is an addict and his mind is in hell! Ge will someday have to answer to God for his choices.
I remember telling him....It will be the boat, then the cars (just mine, lol), then the house and eventually your family. And it all came true. Now, he has lost his family! I never thought I would see the day when he wouldn't be welcomed at his own daughter's graduation. She was always such a daddy's girl and now she wants nothing to do with him at all. She told me she has no love for the man he is now and I can honestly say I don't blame her.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Congratulations to your daughter!! I know she's been through a lot, but you can't fix it for her. You can't change what happened to her in the past, and you can't change her father. You can't repair their relationship. Is she going to go away for college? I have grown step-daughters, and my suggestion is to enjoy every minute you have with her!! I know you have a lot going on, but this is an exciting time in her life.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by bluebelle
Congratulations to your daughter!! I know she's been through a lot, but you can't fix it for her. You can't change what happened to her in the past, and you can't change her father. You can't repair their relationship. Is she going to go away for college? I have grown step-daughters, and my suggestion is to enjoy every minute you have with her!! I know you have a lot going on, but this is an exciting time in her life.
But I still must say.....damn HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! Selfish, sick, lying, no good addict!
There, that felt a little better!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
I believe that at some point, people pay for their wrong doings. The payment may not come in a form they expect, but it comes, nonetheless. Some people call it Karma. I don't know if there is a name for it, but everyone, even the addict, has quiet moment where they are left totally alone except for their thoughts. I do believe most of them know that they screwed up royally. They may never in a million years admit it to another soul, but I do think they know.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"I still think she should invite him to her graduation. I think it will really hurt her if she doesn't because I didn't invite my father and was later sorry! I know I can't make her decisions for her and I am confused about what I should do or not do. "
You are attempting to do what we codies do...control.
Your daughter has a good head on her shoulders, she has wisdom beyond her years...don't burden her with your regrets...let her continue to do what she is doing, think with her head...not her heart.
You might consider her bounderies to be a good guidepost for you to follow!
You are attempting to do what we codies do...control.
Your daughter has a good head on her shoulders, she has wisdom beyond her years...don't burden her with your regrets...let her continue to do what she is doing, think with her head...not her heart.
You might consider her bounderies to be a good guidepost for you to follow!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by dollydo
"I still think she should invite him to her graduation. I think it will really hurt her if she doesn't because I didn't invite my father and was later sorry! I know I can't make her decisions for her and I am confused about what I should do or not do. "
You are attempting to do what we codies do...control.
Your daughter has a good head on her shoulders, she has wisdom beyond her years...don't burden her with your regrets...let her continue to do what she is doing, think with her head...not her heart.
You might consider her bounderies to be a good guidepost for you to follow!
You are attempting to do what we codies do...control.
Your daughter has a good head on her shoulders, she has wisdom beyond her years...don't burden her with your regrets...let her continue to do what she is doing, think with her head...not her heart.
You might consider her bounderies to be a good guidepost for you to follow!
What I have shared here, I have not shared with her. It's her day, its her decision and it was HIS choices that helped her make hers. I will not try to control the outcome. She is a smart girl and I agree, I certainly could learn a lot from her.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
What I have shared here, I have not shared with her. It's her day, its her decision and it was HIS choices that helped her make hers. I will not try to control the outcome. She is a smart girl and I agree, I certainly could learn a lot from her.
gentle hugs
ke
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