DivorcedFromAlc

Hi there,

My ex moved out 2 years ago. Last year the divorce was finalized, with a parenting plan provision that says he is not to drink around our twin 11 year olds. He has violated this on numerous occasions, and it's getting more flagrant.

He's still in full denial, and despite the fact that both of his daughters swear up and down that he was drinking Heineken (they remembered that-- the spelling on the bottle... the red star on the bottle... with no suggestions, etc)... he swears they're mistaken, that he was actually drinking O'Douls.

I think it's time to officially make a motion for contempt... to go on record that he's violating the parenting plan.

Do I just file the motion? Or do I meet him in counseling to tell him I'm filing it?

I'm trying to walk the delicate line of holding him accountable, while not making him so defensive that he takes it out on our children.

I'd appreciate any thoughts from those who've been there, done that.

Thanks much.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Ah, the green bottle with the star at the neck and on the label - yep, that is my AXH's DOC (Alcoholic Ex Husband's Drug of Choice).

I suggest speaking with your attorney about what your best plan of action should be. The laws and rulings in your area will make a difference.

I am curious about something, in my experience - the drinking parent will skip his turn at visitation so that he can continue other activities that involve alcohol consumption. In your situation, is your ex keeping up his visitation schedule on his own or is he being reminded it is his turn?

If my alcoholic wants to skip visitation, I let him.

Please stick around and make yourself at home. You will find lots of information and support.

Cyranoak

It's tough to give advice on posts like yours because we don't know enough about your Ex and the consequences of advice are significant when the safety of you and your children is involved. I'm sorry.

Questions include:

Are your chidlren safe with him?
Are you safe with him?
What do you think will happen if you report him?
What do you think will happen if you don't?

Play those movies to the end and make your best decision.

Take care and good luck!

Cyranoak

lillamy

I would also find out from an attorney what your rights are.

I know that where I live, if you are too drunk to drive, you're too drunk to care for children, and if the police comes to your house and find you over the legal driving limit, they can remove the children from your care. That is probably easier than proving after the fact that he is drinking while they're there.

I have a similar situation, where AXH is not allowed to drink while in charge of the children. He ignores it and drinks anyway.

I have chosen to NOT put the kids in a situation where they will be the ones that call the police on their father. Instead, I've worked with a counselor on setting up a leveled code for them: "Normal" is normal -- they're feeling OK, nothing bad is happening. "Emergency" is when they grab the phone, run outside, and call 911. Inbetween are levels of "feeling uncomfortable but not sure why" and "feeling scared because [insert reason here -- can be something like 'Dad is sleeping in his own puke in the bathroom']"

I have told the kids that I always have my cellphone with me, and they can call me any time, day or night, and all they need to tell me is what level of discomfort they're feeling. It's worked very well, and it also makes them feel like they have control. Once, one of my kids texted me and said, "you don't have to come and get me but I'm really uncomfortable; I'd like to talk to you" and then we just talked on the phone for half an hour while she calmed down.

I called the police once when I was convinced he was completely plastered (based on what the kids were telling me). They drove to his house, rang his doorbell, and when he didn't open, they left. They said if I couldn't be sure a crime had been committed, they couldn't force him to let them in.

So this long story is to say this: Educate, train, arm, and empower your children. That, to me, is the most important part. As long as they have their wits about them and know what to do in different situations that may occur at your ex's house, that may be more important than nailing him for drinking while having them over.

lillamy

Oh -- and I'm saying this based on your kids' ages (similar to mine). If my kids were younger, I'd be much more hard-core about getting them the heck out of his care.

As it is, the time they spend with him is still valuable. It's easy to forget the extremely painful situation our children find themselves in. We tend to want to love our parents even when they're highly unlovable, and that's true for our kids, too. I've let mine choose as much as AXH and the law will allow them to how much time they spend with him. I think at 11, they're old enough to get the straight story on alcoholism, and also on what living with an alcoholic parent does to you emotionally.