Nicolette16

Im 24 yr and looking for some advice in dealing with my 33 yr cocaine addicted live in boyfriend. We have been dating for 1 1/2 years. In the beginning of our relationship we both drank and used cocaine recreationally. Midway through our relationship he admitted that his drug use was more than recreational. From then he made broken promises to quit using. In turn I completely stopped and had no problem with it. I then found out that he was asking me for money for odds and ends but in reality he was buying drugs. Again more broken promises to quit. To make a long story short about 2 months ago he attempted suicide while on drugs. He was admitted into a psych ward for short term treatment. From there he entered an out patient program. Last week 220 dollars was missing. I contacted his family and we approached him to see if he possibly relapsed. He passed a at home drug test that he refused to complete in front of me. I was informed last night that he had not attended his meeting which he lied and said he was at. I then found out that he had withdrawn another 200 dollars from my bank account. This morning I informed him that I thought he should move out. I advised him that I was still unsure about staying in the relationship due to no trust and being overwhelmed. He left his career earlier this year which I believe was due to drug use and he is also going through a horrible divorce with one child involved. I know he has a lot on his plate but I feel like I can't keep supporting him when he isn't showing any improvement. He did admit this morning of his relapse and taking the money out of my account. He does not want me to contact his family to let them know what's going on. I know he has no where else but his parents house to go. Without them being informed I hate the thought of him being out on the street. I love him and care about his recovery. I just think I may be fed up with the pain and lies. I'm stuck in this sticky situation of what is the best way I can help him. Please help me be strong in this weakening relationship.

devastated

Hi Nicolette, welcome to Soberrecovery. Sorry about your problem with your boyfriend. I think by now you know that he is still using and will continue to lie, steal and sneak around behind your back. He will continue that is, until you decide that enough is enough.

It's been my experience, that as long as you give him a warm place to stay, supply him with the means to get drugs (which is access to checking account) and continue to give him chances, he will not get better.

As difficult as it may be to "let him go" know that he will never recover unless he finally finds himself with no place to go. This means his family as well. I think his family should know what is going on so they may make choices to either support his addiction or not.

You cannot worry about his being out in the street because you have no control over his choices. If he ends up in the street, it is his choice. That's what this life is all about 'CHOICES"

I know how difficult it is to "let go" I couldn't let go for 35 years, and because I didn't let go, my son continued his addiction all that time. When I finally decided enough was enough, he began to recover. It hasn't been very long, a little over one year now, but today he is working, has a nice lady in his life (in fact is going to be married tomorrow) and is the happiest he has been in years.

You need to move on and find the happiness you deserve.

Hugs, Devastated

outtolunch

Is there someting about addiction that makes lying to and stealing from you accecptable?

Nicolette16

I know it's not acceptable. When ever these situations occur I tell me self it's over, I'm done. My mind knows what I should do, I just let my heart have the control. I don't want to hurt him because I love him do much. I know that " letting him go" is the way to try and let him get better but I fall weak when I let him give me excuses. Im in so much pain. Why can't I just let go?

outtolunch

His brain has been rewired to protect and sustain his addiction. Lying and manipulation are the tools used to do so. He's darn Teflon -coated and will move on and lie to and steal from someone else.

"Because I love him" is not a rational reason to allow someone to lie and steal from you. I know you know this. I know you know you deserve better than this.

Whatever the hopeful fantasy of the guy you wanted/needed, it's not this unemployed, lying, theiving, manipulating guy.

Please take a look at the stickies posted at the top of this page.

Nicolette16

Thank you for all comments. Everything said has helped me realize things I may not of thought of. Very much appreciated.

LoveMeNow

Interesting question for me!! I blamed the disease not the person. I was told to keep the two, the person and the disease, separate. I was a fool!

LoveMeNow

"His brain has been rewired to protect and sustain his addiction. Lying and manipulation are the tools used to do so. He's darn Teflon -coated and will move on and lie to and steal from someone else."

Wow!! Another tons of bricks just hit me on the head! This is just stuff you don't hear at Al-anon meetings but needs to be heard!! TY outtolunch, although it makes want to throw up, it's a reality I must face and remember always.

devastated

Nicolette, I know just how you feel when you say "I don't want to hurt him because I love him too much!" I couldn't let go of my son either for the same reason, so I let him manipulate me, lie, steal, etc., then one day I thought to myself, "what is it that I love about him?" Nothing!! There was nothing that was worth loving anymore. The person I loved wasn't there anymore.

In order to get that person back, you have to let go. Once you let go he may finally come to the realization that he must change. If he doesn't, that's his choice. Give yourself a chance.

Once he is not living with you, you will be able to think more clearly. This is not a good life you are living. You are in love with the person he use to be, not the person he has become.

Hugs and prayers heading your way

Vale

Wow!! Another tons of bricks just hit me on the head! This is just stuff you don't hear at Al-anon meetings but needs to be heard!! TY outtolunch, although it makes want to throw up, it's a reality I must face and remember always.[/QUOTE]

outtolunch ALWAYS hits the nail square on the head---->>>material that needs to go straight to sticky's....

Ollie909

Stories like this make me cringe. Reminds me of an old song. Run,Run,Run you gotta mooo,oooh ooove. Best to you.

dollydo

Well, one thing I would do is close the account that has both your names on it and open a new one..or if you have given him your pin number I'd change it.

He is an addict he is doing what addicts do, lie, steal and use.

This guy is not a child, he needs to be responsible for himself, what he does, where he lives is up to him.

This disease of addiction affects everything it touches, it has no cure and is progressive in nature...and...there is nothing you can do to help him...it is all up to him.

He already has one divorce coming down the pike, a child who has already inherited the gene that predisposes him/her to addiction...what kind of a future does this guy offer you? IMHO it doesn't sound like one that a 24 year old would be interested in continuing. Too many red flags waving in your face.

Nicolette16

I spent a lot of time yesterday navigating this website. I read a lot of inspirational poems and stories. Finding this site has been a god send. Getting advice from family and close friends was difficult as noone seemed to be in my similar position. I will be attending an al anon meeting early this week do to no nar anon meetings in my area. I have decided that if my boyfriend doesn't talk to his family about what's going on then I will take it upon myself. He stayed the night lady night on the couch but it is known that he is moving out. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers to stay strong and remember what's right for me. Again I truly appreciate all comments. I know know that I need support to get through this as much as he does. God bless all.

outtolunch

This is so not your responsibility. He's an adult and responsible for himself. Can you consider giving him the dignity of living his life as he sees fit to do, consequences and all?

You are not his only alternative or the only couch in town.