Prison, Trust and Freedom

Old 04-27-2012, 08:39 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
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Prison, Trust and Freedom

I find as I reflect back to times where I questioned his drug use and of course he denied. His denial were lies. I knew. Even though I bought the lie at the time for whatever reason. The fact remains I really did know and as I think over all the times I knew and that my gut instinct was right. I realize I can trust myself if I just listen to my self.

I have brought that into my life today. I know I can trust myself. Because all those times that I knew he lied and the want to believe him over shadowed the truth. I don't doubt myself now days. The very fact that all the times I knew and was on point is enough to teach me that I can trust my gut.

I am still giving my self the gift of healing and it has been three years since he and I separated. I have gone on a couple dates and I have learned that I can spot Mr. Wrong rather quickly. I have learned to see the red flags to see them for what they are not to explain them away.

It has become less important have a relationship and more important to be in the right relationship with the right person. No more projects for me.

My past experiences have taught me exactly what I don't want. So today I am ever sure of what I do want and I refuse to compromise in this area.

I don't only consider what is right for me, but for my children as well. I make decisions based on us as a whole.

I enjoy being alone. I can go into a restaurant or a movie by myself and enjoy my time there. I am comfortable in my own skin. I actually look at the time by myself as a gift rather then feeling lonely without company.

I enjoy quiet times where I can think about the blessings in my life or just bask in the silence.

I no longer care if he knows how deeply he hurt me. He is an addict he is going to have a warped perception and if the truth be known he would just use it as an excuse to get high. I have come to accept that he is not capable of feeling for anyone or anything other than himself and his drugs. His addiction is not a personal attack on me.

I used to try to make him see what he was doing to us, to me, to our family. It use to be important to me that his mom know my side, that his side of the family knew he was using, drinking, lying to them. We would fight and he'd give them his version and they believed him. I would try and try to convince them of the truth, but his mom always believed him and that drove me crazy and hurt me as well.

I have been able to arrive at a place where it is not important to explain myself, to try to make her understand, believe me. It doesn't really matter. It isn't the heart of what matters. What is important is that I know. I know how deeply he hurt me and I no longer subject myself to the pain that his addiction inflicts upon me. I care that he hurt me. I care about the treatment that I allowed myself to endure out of love, denial or for whatever reason. I care. It is not okay for me to allow myself to be treated the way that I allowed myself to be treated. His addiction no longer affects me. It belongs to him and him alone.

I am responsible for the well being of my children and myself. That is my job to make sure we are alright. He has the right to choose how he wants to live his life and if he wants to live it being a drug addict then that is his choice.

I have the same right to choose how I want to live and I choose not to live my life with a drug addict. I choose not to raise my kids in the same house as his addiction. His addiction causes him to be unstable, unpredictable, eradict and irresponsible. His addiction is a danger to our well being and therefore I will waste no more of my time trying to convince him or anyone else of how bad it is. I know how bad it is and that is good enough for me.

I promise myself that I will embrace recovery and healing. Because I deserve it. I promise myself that I will smile, laugh and enjoy myself. I will be happy and appreciate all that I have. Because what I have now is mine. I have me. No one can take me away. I was lost for so long, but now I have found myself. I am getting to know me. My likes and dislikes, what makes me laugh or cry. What is my favorite color or food. Who I am is what I am learning. There are things that I like about myself and things that I know need to change. I am open and willing to change, to grow. I am free!

Freedom is a gift that you give to yourself. Today I embrace that gift with pleasure.

You too have the gift of freedom :day6 all you have to do is open it

Passion
Recovering Addict/Alcoholic/codependent
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Old 04-27-2012, 11:27 AM
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Best of the best on this forum. Thank you for this. It would make a terrific "sticky".
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Old 04-29-2012, 05:54 AM
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The gift of recovery keeps on giving. Beautiful.

gentle hugs
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Old 04-29-2012, 07:28 AM
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Getting there!!
 
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Thank you Nytepassion ~

Sometimes, I just come and read your post again. It inspires me, it gives me hope, and calms my anxieties.

Thank you for sharing! I look foward to the day I can share a positive post as well.

To Freedom, To Recovery, to New beginnings!
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