MycoolFitz

I dreamed I was on a business trip, flying and my wife was missing, like luggage or something missing and you reach around for it. And I awoke reaching. And it came to me what I drank away but can't dwell on it. I wanted to roll over and spoon somebody and there was no body to spoon. It like broke my heart but then I thought dang Michael 3am, get on-line to SR. I do learn in sobriety, often painfully but I think it was pain I shut out too long. Not meaning to be depressing, just the hour of the wolf. I'm better already, just one moment at a time but I do miss spooning.

Dee74

I think every thing has it's season as they say Fitz...

First off, we need to work on ourselves, learn to love and to value ourselves again...learn to reach out to others here and in our real life...learn to ask for help when things get rough...

and somewhere down the road (hopefully not too far) I believe we become ready for, and able to handle, deeper relationships again

I was never much good at relationships before....but this one I'm in is a keeper - I really believe it's because I waited until I found out how to love myself first...

I know nights can be lonely - but you're never alone Fitz...there's a lot of love for you here

D

SOBERINNEPA

Wow. Tough post.

I feel for you, buddy. Just keep doing the right things and, when love comes again, you'll be ready for it. You're a good man.

Weasel1966

Your honesty is both moving and inspiring. Thank you.

MycoolFitz

Didn't mean it to be tough I just think I numbed feelings so long I damaged a feeling nerve. I was very sad and lonely last night but it was ok. It was my feelings. Actually at like 3:30 am I thought, enjoy the pillow, and I laughed at loud which is probably pretty scarey alone at that time laughing aloud but maybe it is allowed.

Threshold

Fitz, I feel like that too, very, very often, and often at the same time of night...haha, and I think you and I are in the same time zone...

last year, I bought myself a bison hide that I sleep on every night. When I wake up alone, sad, with a terrible lonely inside me, I reach under my pillow and bury my fingers in the fur...like a big huge dog that never needs walking. I guess it' my version of you and your pillow.

I was woken by dreams again last night, just like you. It happens more nights that not these days.

I was brought up to be something, Something specific, and have a certain kind of relationship, etc, and when I found myself unable to be that and do that...then everything else, even ok everything eles's became "failures". What I am not became more important than what I am.

Now I need to figure out what I am, and let that be ok. 1000 times a day I am reminded of what I am not. I need to put more energy into being what I am, and being ok with it.

I've named my bison hide. I have five goldfish that I talk to. I live in a small room with all my possesions and a room mate that hides when she knows I am in any room of the apt other than my own. I feel like a pariah.

Yes, I know lonely. But it's a human feeling, a good sign. I still want contact, people, etc...my room mate is worse off than me, she has isolated even her heart.

A bison hide makes a better friend, a warmer friend than a bottle of booze or a bottle of pills.

MycoolFitz

I had goldfish, I neglected them