Life with an alcoholic
slugs snails & puppy dog tails
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Eugene, Oregon
Posts: 4
Life with an alcoholic
I just found this forum. I'm a little nervous about posting. I plan on attending my first Al-Anon meeting this Sunday.
My live-in boyfriend of three-and-a-half years is an alcoholic. He's gone to rehab twice since we have been together--unfortunately for only two weeks at a time, since his insurance in this state fully pays for that particular in-treatment program at a hospital but no other.
Both times after his release, he has made an effort at sobriety, this last time for over a year with a handful of two- or three-day relapses. He's extremely intelligent and competent at many things, including accounting, which was his profession until he became a severe alcoholic and left it. Since I have been with him, he's only done brief contract work. His idea of actively looking for a job is checking Craigslist and a few other websites once or twice a day and submitting a few applications per week. He says that it's not from lack of trying but simply the job market. I urged him to find any kind of work, including menial work. I'm simply no longer willing to tolerate his chronic and habitual unemployment. To me, actions speak louder than words, and his actions show that he's not serious about taking some responsibility. I'm a full-time graduate student living off of a combination of savings and student loans and I'm doing all that I can to improve myself.
Finally, he decided to donate plasma last week and two days ago. He gave me what he said was all of the cash so that I could deposit it, but I've noticed that since the first donation, he's clearly mostly intoxicated. Fine in the morning, but when I get home from class in the early evening, it's obvious. Of course he denies it adamantly, even starts to turn it around. Usually when he drinks he'll go off about how he's getting tired of 'taking care of me' (!). He also demands that I buy him a pack of cigarettes and throws a fit if I resist and threatens to break up with me and leave.
After a while I've given in, but the anger and resentment are still there. They're eating away inside of me. I just have to vent... to someone... anyone who'll maybe understand what I'm going through. I would have kicked him out a long time ago, I know now, because of the respect I've lost for him over these many, many months and the trust I can never seem to re-gain in him. The man that I fell in love with now just strikes me as someone who's taking advantage of me, and never really loved me. I don't take it personally so much because I am not sure in his state of mine that he's capable of thinking beyond his own needs, and I've gotten over the hurt, somewhat.
But what's preventing me from letting go is that I know he'd be homeless. He's burned his bridges with all of his friends and family. I know that they, too, love him and care for him, but they recognize the disease and know that to be around him can be a very, very depressing (and frustrating) thing. I don't want to see him on the streets. The one time I kicked him out, I felt such horrible guilt (imagining him out in the cold and rain) that I tried to track him down the next morning and felt such misery that I took him back, gratefully, almost, knowing that he was 'safe'. I know that he's not a child, but I also am aware of the fact that there are SO few resources out there for the homeless right now, at least in this area, and his chances of getting back on his feet are immeasurably greater if he's living with me. But he never has.
My live-in boyfriend of three-and-a-half years is an alcoholic. He's gone to rehab twice since we have been together--unfortunately for only two weeks at a time, since his insurance in this state fully pays for that particular in-treatment program at a hospital but no other.
Both times after his release, he has made an effort at sobriety, this last time for over a year with a handful of two- or three-day relapses. He's extremely intelligent and competent at many things, including accounting, which was his profession until he became a severe alcoholic and left it. Since I have been with him, he's only done brief contract work. His idea of actively looking for a job is checking Craigslist and a few other websites once or twice a day and submitting a few applications per week. He says that it's not from lack of trying but simply the job market. I urged him to find any kind of work, including menial work. I'm simply no longer willing to tolerate his chronic and habitual unemployment. To me, actions speak louder than words, and his actions show that he's not serious about taking some responsibility. I'm a full-time graduate student living off of a combination of savings and student loans and I'm doing all that I can to improve myself.
Finally, he decided to donate plasma last week and two days ago. He gave me what he said was all of the cash so that I could deposit it, but I've noticed that since the first donation, he's clearly mostly intoxicated. Fine in the morning, but when I get home from class in the early evening, it's obvious. Of course he denies it adamantly, even starts to turn it around. Usually when he drinks he'll go off about how he's getting tired of 'taking care of me' (!). He also demands that I buy him a pack of cigarettes and throws a fit if I resist and threatens to break up with me and leave.
After a while I've given in, but the anger and resentment are still there. They're eating away inside of me. I just have to vent... to someone... anyone who'll maybe understand what I'm going through. I would have kicked him out a long time ago, I know now, because of the respect I've lost for him over these many, many months and the trust I can never seem to re-gain in him. The man that I fell in love with now just strikes me as someone who's taking advantage of me, and never really loved me. I don't take it personally so much because I am not sure in his state of mine that he's capable of thinking beyond his own needs, and I've gotten over the hurt, somewhat.
But what's preventing me from letting go is that I know he'd be homeless. He's burned his bridges with all of his friends and family. I know that they, too, love him and care for him, but they recognize the disease and know that to be around him can be a very, very depressing (and frustrating) thing. I don't want to see him on the streets. The one time I kicked him out, I felt such horrible guilt (imagining him out in the cold and rain) that I tried to track him down the next morning and felt such misery that I took him back, gratefully, almost, knowing that he was 'safe'. I know that he's not a child, but I also am aware of the fact that there are SO few resources out there for the homeless right now, at least in this area, and his chances of getting back on his feet are immeasurably greater if he's living with me. But he never has.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi. You have a very good head on your shoulders 
I think you'll be so glad you went to that al-anon meeting. You will find understanding here at SR. I know I can really relate to your post.
Just a few things to think about - not anything I expect you to reply to.
What are your actions saying? Are they following your words/feelings/needs?
That is something he gets to decide for himself. Your own account is that he is extremely intelligent and capable. Don't sell him short. I'm sure he can get a job and an apartment if he wants to. He doesn't have to right now so he's choosing not to. You are providing it all for him.
Nope he hasn't. If loving and caring for someone is all it took we wouldn't all be here. You didn't cause him to drink, you can't control his drinking, you can't cure his drinking. You are not responsible for his life choices. He is not flourishing in your home, alcoholism is. Alcoholism is having a hay day because as long as you provide him with all the comforts and necessities of life, it can run rampant without consequence.
I think you'll be so glad you went to that al-anon meeting. You will find understanding here at SR. I know I can really relate to your post. Just a few things to think about - not anything I expect you to reply to.
To me, actions speak louder than words, and his actions show that he's not serious about taking some responsibility.
But what's preventing me from letting go is that I know he'd be homeless.
his chances of getting back on his feet are immeasurably greater if he's living with me. But he never has.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
I'm sure he's not concerned about your stress level and well being so why be so concerned with his? When writing this I'm also speaking to my self. Addicts just don't care about anyone aside from themselves...us codependents try to love them enoughbut that doesn't work and we end up destroying ourselves in the meantime.
Don't you deserve more? My answer to my self is a big YES!!!!
Don't you deserve more? My answer to my self is a big YES!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Welcome Katla! My AH (alcoholic husband) has done the same thing with his friends. He just left our home on Monday and had to stay in a hotel because not one of his "friends" would take him in. I am sure this is because of his alcoholic mean behavior over the years. Nobody wants to deal with it. I can't blame them. But that does not mean that I have to deal with it any longer either.
Sounds like you and I have in common that our significant others are nice and "comfy" right where they are...
I can only say that nothing changes if nothing changes....I am taking the steps to take care of me (and my son). You sound like you are a wise girl...if you feel like you are being taken advantage of, then something must change in order for you to take care of you so that you do not have anger and resentment eating away inside of you. I have to remind myself that this is a grown man I am dealing with not a child. Sometimes, we have to let go and let them feel the consequences of their choices. I have left my AH 2 times before...both times he lived to tell about it...I am sure he will live through it again. I think your BF will too....
Sounds like you and I have in common that our significant others are nice and "comfy" right where they are...
I can only say that nothing changes if nothing changes....I am taking the steps to take care of me (and my son). You sound like you are a wise girl...if you feel like you are being taken advantage of, then something must change in order for you to take care of you so that you do not have anger and resentment eating away inside of you. I have to remind myself that this is a grown man I am dealing with not a child. Sometimes, we have to let go and let them feel the consequences of their choices. I have left my AH 2 times before...both times he lived to tell about it...I am sure he will live through it again. I think your BF will too....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
Hi, and welcome. You'll find too many similar stories here. My AXF of 20 years (what WAS I thinking???) left in a snit, proclaiming "find someone else to take care of you, because I don't want to?" I don't know, it kind of just woke me up, since he was living rent-free in my home while I worked full time.
He's on permanent disability, but not bedridden or wheelchair bound, but household chores seemed beyond him. His favorite pastime was figuring out what my kids and I should be doing around the house and gazing at his own navel for hours on end.
Mine was not homeless, he had a place to storm off to, but now he is living the shock of getting meals for himself, doing his laundry, walking his dog, paying his bills, making his own medical appts, etc.
You did not give birth to this man, you do not owe him your life. Why should you, who is struggling to improve your life, be his landing of last resort? Not your issue that he has burned all his bridges. Sounds like he's holding the flame to the bridge you have given him.
Actions do speak louder (much, much louder) than the empty words of an addict. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Good luck, I know it's heartbreaking.
He's on permanent disability, but not bedridden or wheelchair bound, but household chores seemed beyond him. His favorite pastime was figuring out what my kids and I should be doing around the house and gazing at his own navel for hours on end.
Mine was not homeless, he had a place to storm off to, but now he is living the shock of getting meals for himself, doing his laundry, walking his dog, paying his bills, making his own medical appts, etc.
You did not give birth to this man, you do not owe him your life. Why should you, who is struggling to improve your life, be his landing of last resort? Not your issue that he has burned all his bridges. Sounds like he's holding the flame to the bridge you have given him.
Actions do speak louder (much, much louder) than the empty words of an addict. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Good luck, I know it's heartbreaking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
I know its so very hard. My XAH went homeless after I left him. He drank anyway. They find a way hon, ANY WAY THEY CAN.
In my x's case, homelessness and loss of family wasn't bottom, but maybe it wil be for your boyfriend.
In my x's case, homelessness and loss of family wasn't bottom, but maybe it wil be for your boyfriend.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 38
I lived with my ex alcoholic fiancee' and was worry about leaving him. Worried he'd kill himself or not keep his apartment or pay bills. All of that stuff. Then I realized he wasn't going anywhere, was deeply rooted in denial and that was how my life would always be. I was living for him and not really helping myself. Once I left it was hard and yeah, I do sometimes still worry but it has to be one of the best things I have ever done.
I know you worry about what will happen and you care about him too, just don't forget about yourself in the process. It could be as long as you are there, he won't get back on his feet because he will keep relying on you.
Regardless of anything, I do hope things work out for the best whatever you decide.
I know you worry about what will happen and you care about him too, just don't forget about yourself in the process. It could be as long as you are there, he won't get back on his feet because he will keep relying on you.
Regardless of anything, I do hope things work out for the best whatever you decide.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hello Katla,
So, you are the only one left to prevent him from being homeless in Eugene Oregon. There is one other person, and that is your boyfriend. Is he grateful, gracious, clean the house, make meals or any other housework that I would be doing if someone gave me a place to stay. I would definitely not be smoking or drinking if I could not buy my own vices. He is a child Katla. You treat him as helpless, so he will hang around and take everything you give him until you are sucked dry both financially and emotionally.
For your own sanity, please attend some AlAnon meetings, at least a half dozen to find one where you are comfortable.
As far as guilt is concerned, add up what one month of cigarettes costs. When I was smoking it was $180 -$200 for premium cigarettes. Write a check to the local Domestic Violence Center, I am sure there are people there who will find better ways to spend that money. Like feeding and housing families with young children who are victims of violence. Your boyfriend is no victim, nor is he to be pitied and cared for, every choice he has made has put him in the position he is now.
He is college educated? He can find a way, his own way in this life. He should be ashamed of himself for using you this way. Tell him to go to the Salvation Army and join their program, it is free. You have done all you can, and you cannot do anything else.
Nothing.
Keep your eyes on you and your goals, Katla,
Beth
:ghug3
But what's preventing me from letting go is that I know he'd be homeless. He's burned his bridges with all of his friends and family.
For your own sanity, please attend some AlAnon meetings, at least a half dozen to find one where you are comfortable.
As far as guilt is concerned, add up what one month of cigarettes costs. When I was smoking it was $180 -$200 for premium cigarettes. Write a check to the local Domestic Violence Center, I am sure there are people there who will find better ways to spend that money. Like feeding and housing families with young children who are victims of violence. Your boyfriend is no victim, nor is he to be pitied and cared for, every choice he has made has put him in the position he is now.
He is college educated? He can find a way, his own way in this life. He should be ashamed of himself for using you this way. Tell him to go to the Salvation Army and join their program, it is free. You have done all you can, and you cannot do anything else.
Nothing.
Keep your eyes on you and your goals, Katla,
Beth
:ghug3
slugs snails & puppy dog tails
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Eugene, Oregon
Posts: 4
Thanks so much for the warm welcome, everyone. When I woke up this (unusually) sunny morning and read your replies offering your support and your own perspectives, it really just made the bright day even brighter. It's so comforting to know when you aren't alone! Thank you!
Gosh, that sounds so familiar. Whenever he's drunk (regardless of whether or not he tries to hide it, I always know when he is) and on the defensive, he'll threaten to leave and tell me that *I* am the cause of his stress and that he's tired of taking care of me. When he's the one living on MY dime! hah.
I've learned very early on that it's useless to argue with someone who's so in denial, but I am NOT accepting the status quo ANYmore.
I'm moving into a large, beautiful studio in a few weeks. Chicken coop in the back, a huge 1-acre vegetable garden and a hop, skip and a jump away from the bike route to my university. I've made it clear to him that he MUST move out by May 19th. I asked him, "Think you can get job by then?" and he replied, "I'd better." I'm not crossing my fingers, and I'm not going to budge this time and go back down the "I feel so guilty" path. I've given him over THREE years to get back on his feet. How on earth can I keep doing this?
I've already had to move once before because he fell through a bay window and cracked it. Do I really want my graduate school experience to be defined by worry, anger, and anxiety? Hell no. I just hope that I can stick it through. Can't wait to attend Al-Anon on Sunday. And have a fresh start in this new place.
Originally Posted by celticgenes 
Hi, and welcome. You'll find too many similar stories here. My AXF of 20 years (what WAS I thinking???) left in a snit, proclaiming "find someone else to take care of you, because I don't want to?" I don't know, it kind of just woke me up, since he was living rent-free in my home while I worked full time.
I've learned very early on that it's useless to argue with someone who's so in denial, but I am NOT accepting the status quo ANYmore.
I'm moving into a large, beautiful studio in a few weeks. Chicken coop in the back, a huge 1-acre vegetable garden and a hop, skip and a jump away from the bike route to my university. I've made it clear to him that he MUST move out by May 19th. I asked him, "Think you can get job by then?" and he replied, "I'd better." I'm not crossing my fingers, and I'm not going to budge this time and go back down the "I feel so guilty" path. I've given him over THREE years to get back on his feet. How on earth can I keep doing this?
I've already had to move once before because he fell through a bay window and cracked it. Do I really want my graduate school experience to be defined by worry, anger, and anxiety? Hell no. I just hope that I can stick it through. Can't wait to attend Al-Anon on Sunday. And have a fresh start in this new place.
slugs snails & puppy dog tails
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Eugene, Oregon
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by wicked
So, you are the only one left to prevent him from being homeless in Eugene Oregon. There is one other person, and that is your boyfriend. Is he grateful, gracious, clean the house, make meals or any other housework that I would be doing if someone gave me a place to stay. I would definitely not be smoking or drinking if I could not buy my own vices.
Other than the obvious reason: he doesn't need to, because he's living for free with me.
He should be ashamed of himself for using you this way.
:ghug3
:ghug3
Thanks for your support.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Katla
his chances of getting back on his feet are immeasurably greater if he's living with me.
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
LaTeeDa is 100 percent right about this...
...with addicts and alcoholics the opposite is actually true. Very, very true. The worst thing you could do "for" him is to let him continue to live with you, and for you to continue "helping" him.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
It may seem that way, but quite the opposite is actually true. Why? Because he has no reason to "get back on his feet" as long as he is living with you. You may actually be preventing him from taking responsibility. It's know as enabling.
L
L
slugs snails & puppy dog tails
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Eugene, Oregon
Posts: 4
Yeah, it was the naive optimist in me feeling hopeful any time he got a phone call from a potential employer and an interview. All of... let's see... 4 or 5 times in the past 3 years. Not exactly a great track record.
I just kept thinking, as I'm sure many of us do, "If I can just hold out a little longer... maybe things will improve... maybe he'll 'snap out of it'..." I kept focusing only on the few instances where it looked like that, instead of seeing the bigger picture.
I realize now that not taking control of my life and just having that "wait and see" attitude was extremely immature. Human, yes, because we all want the best for our loved ones. But waiting around and hoping for change when you're in a relationship with an alcoholic is a recipe for heartache and disappointment. Sometimes you have to take the reigns when the writing's on the wall.
I just kept thinking, as I'm sure many of us do, "If I can just hold out a little longer... maybe things will improve... maybe he'll 'snap out of it'..." I kept focusing only on the few instances where it looked like that, instead of seeing the bigger picture.
I realize now that not taking control of my life and just having that "wait and see" attitude was extremely immature. Human, yes, because we all want the best for our loved ones. But waiting around and hoping for change when you're in a relationship with an alcoholic is a recipe for heartache and disappointment. Sometimes you have to take the reigns when the writing's on the wall.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 212
This is exactly what I did for 3 of the 7 years of my relationship with my ABF. Scary how denial can keep you stuck. It's also scary when you open your eyes and have to deal with reality! lol. Congrats on the new place!
I just kept thinking, as I'm sure many of us do, "If I can just hold out a little longer... maybe things will improve... maybe he'll 'snap out of it'..." I kept focusing only on the few instances where it looked like that, instead of seeing the bigger picture.
I just kept thinking, as I'm sure many of us do, "If I can just hold out a little longer... maybe things will improve... maybe he'll 'snap out of it'..." I kept focusing only on the few instances where it looked like that, instead of seeing the bigger picture.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I realize now that not taking control of my life and just having that "wait and see" attitude was extremely immature. Human, yes, because we all want the best for our loved ones. But waiting around and hoping for change when you're in a relationship with an alcoholic is a recipe for heartache and disappointment.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"I just kept thinking, as I'm sure many of us do, "If I can just hold out a little longer... maybe things will improve... maybe he'll 'snap out of it'..." I kept focusing only on the few instances where it looked like that, instead of seeing the bigger picture."
Hon, you are the one who needs to snap out of it, he is who he is, he is a 40 year old drunk who has nothing positive to offer you, and as long as you allow it, will continue to live off of you.
IMHO, you are not helping him, you are only making everything worse by enabling him.
Hon, you are the one who needs to snap out of it, he is who he is, he is a 40 year old drunk who has nothing positive to offer you, and as long as you allow it, will continue to live off of you.
IMHO, you are not helping him, you are only making everything worse by enabling him.
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