New here...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: wi
Posts: 5
New here...
My husband is a recovering addict. He has been sober for about a year but he has just started recovery-if that makes any sense. Problem is, its like he's an active addict all over again. He's never home, he's either at work or at meetings or hanging out with other people in recovery. He comes home to sleep and that's about it. I feel neglected or that maybe I'm doing something to hinder him in some way and that's why he doesn't want to be home. Our children miss him...I miss him. I've told him my feelings and he just says that he needs to work on him...but I feel like our family is falling apart.
I need advice, someone to talk with. Anything really.
I need advice, someone to talk with. Anything really.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hi there........welcome to SR. I hope you find friends and comfort here. I did.
In the world of recovery, there is a whole community of people......not just for the addict but also for the friends and family members. The people that I have met in Nar-Anon and Al-Anon have become like another family for me. The people I have met here in SR are like a family as well.
It's a common thing......feeling this profound loss when someone is in recovery because of the time they spend with other people in recovery, at meetings, etc. In order to really embrace their own recovery, they emerse themselves.....almost to the exclusion of all else. It's what they have to do to get/stay clean.
So.....let's talk about you. Tell me what you're doing for yourself. If you are like most of us, his addiction has affected you deeply. What steps are you taking to heal?
I hope you stick around. Post. Vent. Make friends. Ask questions. Read. And begin to heal too.
gentle hugs
ke
In the world of recovery, there is a whole community of people......not just for the addict but also for the friends and family members. The people that I have met in Nar-Anon and Al-Anon have become like another family for me. The people I have met here in SR are like a family as well.
It's a common thing......feeling this profound loss when someone is in recovery because of the time they spend with other people in recovery, at meetings, etc. In order to really embrace their own recovery, they emerse themselves.....almost to the exclusion of all else. It's what they have to do to get/stay clean.
So.....let's talk about you. Tell me what you're doing for yourself. If you are like most of us, his addiction has affected you deeply. What steps are you taking to heal?
I hope you stick around. Post. Vent. Make friends. Ask questions. Read. And begin to heal too.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: wi
Posts: 5
As of right now, I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I'm part of this too. I'm just starting research and looking into things because for a while I actually thought I was doing something to make my husband not want to be home. I'm starting to realize that I could use some help too. I'm not really sure where to start.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Joining here was a good start. I love the Alanon meetings too. The people are amazing and really do understand.
He is getting healthy...now YOU need to. When you are happy with YOU, you wont depend on him for your happiness.
Welcome to the journey of living, learning and loving YOU!
He is getting healthy...now YOU need to. When you are happy with YOU, you wont depend on him for your happiness.
Welcome to the journey of living, learning and loving YOU!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
see if you can get your hands on a "big book" re: Alcoholics Anonymous
there is a chapter called "To Wives" and it concerns exactly what you are talking about...that feeling of being neglected while your spouse enters into full-on recovery mode.
you are not alone!
what you are feeling is natural...and the good news is that you can find healthy and interesting ways to feel better. it would really be in your great interest to check out an al anon meeting...
checking out al anon may be crucial to your relationship...but more importantly to your own well being, clarity, understanding and outlook. find a good healthy meeting and enjoy!
there is a chapter called "To Wives" and it concerns exactly what you are talking about...that feeling of being neglected while your spouse enters into full-on recovery mode.
you are not alone!
what you are feeling is natural...and the good news is that you can find healthy and interesting ways to feel better. it would really be in your great interest to check out an al anon meeting...checking out al anon may be crucial to your relationship...but more importantly to your own well being, clarity, understanding and outlook. find a good healthy meeting and enjoy!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: wi
Posts: 5
Thank you! I've looked into al-anon meetings, but I'm afraid to go. I've never been a social person and the last 2 years its just been my husband and kids and me. I'm not sure if I know how to be in a situation like that.
I've downloaded a copy of the big book...although I haven't got the chance to look through it at all yet, I will.
I've downloaded a copy of the big book...although I haven't got the chance to look through it at all yet, I will.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
even if you are nervous about going to an al anon mtg I still suggest you go...
I have a pretty healthy dose of "social anxiety", especially when I am struggling emotionally. at al anon you are going to find people who can so understand where you're at...and SR is awesome but we can't envelope you softly in presence and give you a hug when you're ready!
you can "sneak" in and out of meetings as long as you would like...
no one is going to require you to speak or share
al anon-ers are there, in part, to uphold care-full boundaries!!
you are already held in compassion by circles of people at meetings world wide
it's the irony of life that we learn to be our selves while in community
choosing healthy community is the key!
I have a pretty healthy dose of "social anxiety", especially when I am struggling emotionally. at al anon you are going to find people who can so understand where you're at...and SR is awesome but we can't envelope you softly in presence and give you a hug when you're ready!
you can "sneak" in and out of meetings as long as you would like...
no one is going to require you to speak or share
al anon-ers are there, in part, to uphold care-full boundaries!!
you are already held in compassion by circles of people at meetings world wide
it's the irony of life that we learn to be our selves while in community
choosing healthy community is the key!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I was beyond terrified the first time I went to a meeting. Not only was I unable to speak.....I sat there and cried the entire time. It was hard. Everyone was VERY nice, warm, hugs were offered. I went back a few times and still couldn't speak. I stopped going.
But my son's addiction continued to rule my life, my spirit and my mind.
When I was ready, I went back to a different meeting and have been going for quite a long time now. I feel very much a part of that family. I am closer to some than others but I love every single person in that room.
I move in and out of various meetings as I feel the need but I have my regular "home group". I spend time here on SR. I do this for me. I do this to share what I am learning. I do this to learn from others with more experience. I do it to renew my spirit and keep my thinking healthy. I do it to help me have the courage to face that my son is living a very dangerous lifestyle that I have absolutely no control over.
It takes a lot of courage to step into an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting for the first time. The nice thing to know is that everyone there understands how hard it is....they had to screw up the courage to come to their first meeting. We remember what it was like.
It's important to mention that I didn't feel a part of that family after one meeting or two meetings. They say "keep coming back" and I did.
Meetings aren't for everyone......or maybe the timing isn't right......but eventually, I found a home and it is a tremendous blessing in my life.
I believe that OUR recovery is every bit as important as the recovery of the addict. I believe that the success rate will be higher if both parties are participating in a recovery program. It establishes a common language, a bond, and a new way to communicate.
Courage is not the absence of fear.....it is looking fear straight in the eye and moving forward.
gentle hugs
ke
But my son's addiction continued to rule my life, my spirit and my mind.
When I was ready, I went back to a different meeting and have been going for quite a long time now. I feel very much a part of that family. I am closer to some than others but I love every single person in that room.
I move in and out of various meetings as I feel the need but I have my regular "home group". I spend time here on SR. I do this for me. I do this to share what I am learning. I do this to learn from others with more experience. I do it to renew my spirit and keep my thinking healthy. I do it to help me have the courage to face that my son is living a very dangerous lifestyle that I have absolutely no control over.
It takes a lot of courage to step into an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting for the first time. The nice thing to know is that everyone there understands how hard it is....they had to screw up the courage to come to their first meeting. We remember what it was like.
It's important to mention that I didn't feel a part of that family after one meeting or two meetings. They say "keep coming back" and I did.
Meetings aren't for everyone......or maybe the timing isn't right......but eventually, I found a home and it is a tremendous blessing in my life.
I believe that OUR recovery is every bit as important as the recovery of the addict. I believe that the success rate will be higher if both parties are participating in a recovery program. It establishes a common language, a bond, and a new way to communicate.
Courage is not the absence of fear.....it is looking fear straight in the eye and moving forward.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by slfultner449 
Thank you! I've looked into al-anon meetings, but I'm afraid to go. I've never been a social person and the last 2 years its just been my husband and kids and me. I'm not sure if I know how to be in a situation like that.
You don't have to say a darned thing at meetings, just sit and listen if you wish.
Sending you hugs of support!
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