Four years of my life gone... just like that
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
Four years of my life gone... just like that
Four years. FOUR WHOLE YEARS. Just like that. In the blink of an eye.
Spent drinking like there was no tomorrow. So crazy I should have been put into a mental institution. Crying to God for someone who vanished into thin air.
Shedding tears and sorrow, for someone who never cared, and never had the decency to reach out to me.
Four years spent wondering if she was hurt, hurting herself, or wondering about me.
Four years spent hoping, praying, that my prayers would be answered.
Four years, in the trash. Four years, flushed. Four years I can never get back. The last I remember living, I was in my late twenties. Today, I am in my early thirties. But I do not feel that way. I have been in such dark places that I feel older than people over twice my age and I just pray for a big change, or an end. Alas I don't and won't have the guts to do it. Four years changed me from a happy great young man with a potentially vibrant future, to a hardened jaded tired old man with few friends. I have a great friend whom I love right now. But that doesn't change that he's ten years my junior, and I no longer have my old friends. They have long since created lives for themselves.
Four years that could have been used to get better. Four years that could have gotten me my freedom and my sanity. Four years that could have been a spiritual awakening, a liberty, and a chance for a life that I always dreamed of.
Amazing what can happen in four years.... especially when they're gone and life passed you by.....
I loved you J but I cannot do this to myself any longer.
Goodbye.
Spent drinking like there was no tomorrow. So crazy I should have been put into a mental institution. Crying to God for someone who vanished into thin air.
Shedding tears and sorrow, for someone who never cared, and never had the decency to reach out to me.
Four years spent wondering if she was hurt, hurting herself, or wondering about me.
Four years spent hoping, praying, that my prayers would be answered.
Four years, in the trash. Four years, flushed. Four years I can never get back. The last I remember living, I was in my late twenties. Today, I am in my early thirties. But I do not feel that way. I have been in such dark places that I feel older than people over twice my age and I just pray for a big change, or an end. Alas I don't and won't have the guts to do it. Four years changed me from a happy great young man with a potentially vibrant future, to a hardened jaded tired old man with few friends. I have a great friend whom I love right now. But that doesn't change that he's ten years my junior, and I no longer have my old friends. They have long since created lives for themselves.
Four years that could have been used to get better. Four years that could have gotten me my freedom and my sanity. Four years that could have been a spiritual awakening, a liberty, and a chance for a life that I always dreamed of.
Amazing what can happen in four years.... especially when they're gone and life passed you by.....
I loved you J but I cannot do this to myself any longer.
Goodbye.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
I am safe. We were both deeply hurt. This person is fine now, probably up to the same crap, although to a much lesser degree, but fine, at least as far as I can tell. I feel like I can only talk about it over private message though. Anyone can feel free to PM me.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Four years is a long time to stay in the darkness, and it is good you see that and would like out...that is a big step. Have you tried counseling or meetings? It may require some positive action by you to move forward.
We cannot change the past, not one day of it, but we can learn from it and grow. We can get through the tough times and let the healing begin. When we do, the past is not wasted, it is a learning process that will help us in days to come.
I hope you find healing and peace soon.
Hugs
We cannot change the past, not one day of it, but we can learn from it and grow. We can get through the tough times and let the healing begin. When we do, the past is not wasted, it is a learning process that will help us in days to come.
I hope you find healing and peace soon.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I have felt like you do right now keepstrong. But if so much has changed in four years, couldn't so much change in the next four?
As they say, life is a journey, and there will be a day that you turn around and say "Hey, look where I am compared to before!" And it will be good things that have happened, rather than the difficult things you are working through right now.
Get those friends back, make new friends, look forward to what is waiting for you tomorrow and the the next day.
It does get better...I know that because I've been where you are ( just recently as a matter of fact) and I am a little better everyday.
Hang in there
(((Hugs)))
As they say, life is a journey, and there will be a day that you turn around and say "Hey, look where I am compared to before!" And it will be good things that have happened, rather than the difficult things you are working through right now.
Get those friends back, make new friends, look forward to what is waiting for you tomorrow and the the next day.
It does get better...I know that because I've been where you are ( just recently as a matter of fact) and I am a little better everyday.
Hang in there
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Four years of discovering what you do not want to live with.....and that's ok. Sometimes the time we spend learning what we don't want out of life is as valuable as discovering what we do want.
gentle hugs
ke
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I think of the time that I spent in relationship with addiction as an investment. My heart, mind, psyche had to learn to love myself enough to create the healthy boundaries that were weak in the beginning.
The years I spent earned me a "Masters Degree" in Codependency...I have learned more about my own alcoholism, my family of origin dysfunction, my attachment issues, my romantic fantasies versus reality...so many deeply important life lessons.
I am learning the difference between blame and self responsibility. I am learning the difference between a selfish kind of love and a true compassion for people who suffer with misery. I am learning that anger and resentment steal my energy and serenity.
I am learning that I suffer from the delusion of being so unique that I thought I could be the one to help control and cure someone else's disease. I guess in that aspect I thought I had superior skills to all those who have gone before me.
Sometimes it's a reminder to me...when I hear that line in the U2 song..."did you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your bed?"
wow
The years I spent earned me a "Masters Degree" in Codependency...I have learned more about my own alcoholism, my family of origin dysfunction, my attachment issues, my romantic fantasies versus reality...so many deeply important life lessons.
I am learning the difference between blame and self responsibility. I am learning the difference between a selfish kind of love and a true compassion for people who suffer with misery. I am learning that anger and resentment steal my energy and serenity.
I am learning that I suffer from the delusion of being so unique that I thought I could be the one to help control and cure someone else's disease. I guess in that aspect I thought I had superior skills to all those who have gone before me.
Sometimes it's a reminder to me...when I hear that line in the U2 song..."did you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your bed?"
wow
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
You know...there is always tomorrow. Yes, we never know what's around the bend. I understand what it's like to be in darkness, to be hurt, to feel like my best efforts and intentions have gone for naught. But the great part about life is even when we don't believe it, we always have a choice in how things go for us.
That doesn't mean we won't feel pain, or our feelings for someone will disappear. But we can choose how we frame things. To move forward is a choice. To stay stuck is also a choice. In my own recent history, I was confronted with a choice regarding someone I gave my best effort to, only to have it thrown back in my face. And I chose to go forward. In the beginning, I'd have 2 good days, and then 3 or 4 bad. That went on for a month or so...and then it was 3 good days and 3 bad days...then 4 good days and 2 bad...and so on. I accepted the fact that some days my feelings would be really intense, and I'd feel awful. But they're only feelings, Keepstrong. They don't kill us. They can make us feel really, really uncomfortable. They can hurt. But they won't kill us.
One landmark decision for me was to hand my pain and my suffering over to God. Because it was too much for me to handle on my own. I was never a spiritual person until I found Al Anon. But part of accepting that we're powerless over someone else's addiction and turning our lives and our will over to God, as we understand Him, is turning over those awful feelings. God can handle them when we can't. Pray for yourself. Pray for the person who has hurt you. Ask God to protect both you and her. Be thankful for the things you do have. Practice this every day. Do the right things every day, even if you don't feel like it.
I'm here if you want to PM.
Best,
ZoSo
That doesn't mean we won't feel pain, or our feelings for someone will disappear. But we can choose how we frame things. To move forward is a choice. To stay stuck is also a choice. In my own recent history, I was confronted with a choice regarding someone I gave my best effort to, only to have it thrown back in my face. And I chose to go forward. In the beginning, I'd have 2 good days, and then 3 or 4 bad. That went on for a month or so...and then it was 3 good days and 3 bad days...then 4 good days and 2 bad...and so on. I accepted the fact that some days my feelings would be really intense, and I'd feel awful. But they're only feelings, Keepstrong. They don't kill us. They can make us feel really, really uncomfortable. They can hurt. But they won't kill us.
One landmark decision for me was to hand my pain and my suffering over to God. Because it was too much for me to handle on my own. I was never a spiritual person until I found Al Anon. But part of accepting that we're powerless over someone else's addiction and turning our lives and our will over to God, as we understand Him, is turning over those awful feelings. God can handle them when we can't. Pray for yourself. Pray for the person who has hurt you. Ask God to protect both you and her. Be thankful for the things you do have. Practice this every day. Do the right things every day, even if you don't feel like it.
I'm here if you want to PM.
Best,
ZoSo
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