taking it from a new angle. day 5.
01/28/2017
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 74
taking it from a new angle. day 5.
so i am 5 days sober, again. first day sucked, second day was good, third was terrible, yesterday felt great, today....not bad, but not great.
anyways. i have come to the conclusion that AA(or at least AA alone) will not work for me. don't get me wrong, i think it is a great program. i have done the steps twice(second time was very thorough and honest in a step group), i have gone to loads of meetings, i have done a lot of service work, i had a great sponsor and i have years of sobriety in my past. i think the steps teach us good things like honesty, humility and ego busting. but i have come to realize that in all the time i spent sober, i never really lost the desire to drink. i had a happy and productive life, i was by no means a dry drunk, but the desire was always there. i think ultimately i stayed sober because i had sober recovered addicts/alchies as roommates and workmates the entire time. what happened as soon as i got on my own? i started to drink(and was looking forward to it in the back of my mind my entire sober time, not strong....but it was there), and enjoyed it without trouble for a while. but it has turned into hell and i am really tired of this merry go round. i have been doing the sober thing/drunk thing over and over for the last several months. i have been going to AA, gotten numbers and talked to people but i never get past about a week or so.
while i intend to keep AA as a part of my life, i believe there may be other things at play here now. for this reason i went and saw my doctor yesterday(my family doctor) and decided to be honest with him. i have scheduled another appointment with him at the end of the day next week to have a long and serious sit down about my life, my ailments, why i drink and what(if any) depression and/or anxiety issues i may have. i plan to lay it all out on the table and i am looking forward to it.
for the first time in a long time i feel a ray of hope. right now i don't have that urge. up until now i have been quitting because i know drinking will lead to bad things. now i feel like staying sober because it will lead to good things.
i also plan on reading rational recovery, and hanging out here.
anyways. i have come to the conclusion that AA(or at least AA alone) will not work for me. don't get me wrong, i think it is a great program. i have done the steps twice(second time was very thorough and honest in a step group), i have gone to loads of meetings, i have done a lot of service work, i had a great sponsor and i have years of sobriety in my past. i think the steps teach us good things like honesty, humility and ego busting. but i have come to realize that in all the time i spent sober, i never really lost the desire to drink. i had a happy and productive life, i was by no means a dry drunk, but the desire was always there. i think ultimately i stayed sober because i had sober recovered addicts/alchies as roommates and workmates the entire time. what happened as soon as i got on my own? i started to drink(and was looking forward to it in the back of my mind my entire sober time, not strong....but it was there), and enjoyed it without trouble for a while. but it has turned into hell and i am really tired of this merry go round. i have been doing the sober thing/drunk thing over and over for the last several months. i have been going to AA, gotten numbers and talked to people but i never get past about a week or so.
while i intend to keep AA as a part of my life, i believe there may be other things at play here now. for this reason i went and saw my doctor yesterday(my family doctor) and decided to be honest with him. i have scheduled another appointment with him at the end of the day next week to have a long and serious sit down about my life, my ailments, why i drink and what(if any) depression and/or anxiety issues i may have. i plan to lay it all out on the table and i am looking forward to it.
for the first time in a long time i feel a ray of hope. right now i don't have that urge. up until now i have been quitting because i know drinking will lead to bad things. now i feel like staying sober because it will lead to good things.
i also plan on reading rational recovery, and hanging out here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
I would absolutely recommend reading Rational Recovery. It made more sense to me than any other book on addiction.
Just b/c one approach didn't work, doesn't mean another won't click.
You can also read AVRT in a nutshell, crash course, etc. if you have not already.
Best of luck.
Quitting drinking is a small feat.
Living life without the desire to drink is enormously satisfying.
Just b/c one approach didn't work, doesn't mean another won't click.
You can also read AVRT in a nutshell, crash course, etc. if you have not already.
Best of luck.
Quitting drinking is a small feat.
Living life without the desire to drink is enormously satisfying.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Hi JV. Day 5 is great - proud of you. I'm so glad you are seeing your doctor & being open about everything. I hope you get it all sorted out and will find your way to a lasting happiness.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I think what it really comes down to...Is are you done yet? It doesn't sound like it. You say AA doesn't work for you but you had years of sobriety with it. The only way that makes any sense to me is that you have more drinking to do....Or you would have just kept doing what you were doing. I have a friend in AA that gets four or five months and then goes out and drinks. He's been doing that for 10 years. He's just not done yet. When he gets that gift of desperation...I imagine it will work for him. Could be true for you too.
P.S. As of yesterday..that friend of mine...Is out drinking again today.
P.S. As of yesterday..that friend of mine...Is out drinking again today.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
welcome back JV 
I think it's clear some do need doctors and other professionals in on the deal, and some do need to explore several methods of recovery to find the right fit...if recovery was one size fit all, I could give up my job here
I hope you find the right fit for you - whatever it is...and I hope you're done drinking.
May these 5 days become 5 years and beyond
D
I think it's clear some do need doctors and other professionals in on the deal, and some do need to explore several methods of recovery to find the right fit...if recovery was one size fit all, I could give up my job here
I hope you find the right fit for you - whatever it is...and I hope you're done drinking.
May these 5 days become 5 years and beyond
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Good for you for taking action.
I know that I had to get my depression properly diagnosed and properly treated before I could get sober. My depression was with me for many years before I started drinking, so I knew the drinking was a feeble attempt to self-medicate.
I know that I had to get my depression properly diagnosed and properly treated before I could get sober. My depression was with me for many years before I started drinking, so I knew the drinking was a feeble attempt to self-medicate.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by jv369 
but i have come to realize that in all the time i spent sober, i never really lost the desire to drink. i had a happy and productive life, i was by no means a dry drunk, but the desire was always there. i think ultimately i stayed sober because i had sober recovered addicts/alchies as roommates and workmates the entire time. what happened as soon as i got on my own? i started to drink(and was looking forward to it in the back of my mind my entire sober time, not strong....but it was there), and enjoyed it without trouble for a while.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by jv369
i also plan on reading rational recovery, and hanging out here.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Hey Jv..... liked the post.
I disagree with the pro-AA rhetorict above but that's just a personal opinion. As is pretty heavily documented in the AA literature, the desire to drink going away is not something WE can control or eradicate. That's up to God. If it didn't go......it didn't go. I've had MANY thousands of hours in front of, listening to, and learning from alcoholics and I'll say, I've NEVER heard of what you described. While it sounds great to think that you're the first needle in the haystack since the 30's..... I have my doubts. HOWEVER, those doubts are just personal opinion and worthless.
The deal is......most of us need plenty to get sober. I do a LOT of outside stuff....non AA books, church stuff, neighborly stuff, etc. I wouldn't want to try staying sober AND happy if I gave up those outside activities. Maybe i could pull it off.......I don't know.
Kudos to you for being open and honest though. It's a good indication. I see a lot of desire in your post and that goes a LONG way in recovery. Without it, your ship is sunk before you start.
All the best to you.
I disagree with the pro-AA rhetorict above but that's just a personal opinion. As is pretty heavily documented in the AA literature, the desire to drink going away is not something WE can control or eradicate. That's up to God. If it didn't go......it didn't go. I've had MANY thousands of hours in front of, listening to, and learning from alcoholics and I'll say, I've NEVER heard of what you described. While it sounds great to think that you're the first needle in the haystack since the 30's..... I have my doubts. HOWEVER, those doubts are just personal opinion and worthless.
The deal is......most of us need plenty to get sober. I do a LOT of outside stuff....non AA books, church stuff, neighborly stuff, etc. I wouldn't want to try staying sober AND happy if I gave up those outside activities. Maybe i could pull it off.......I don't know.
Kudos to you for being open and honest though. It's a good indication. I see a lot of desire in your post and that goes a LONG way in recovery. Without it, your ship is sunk before you start.
All the best to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
jv369: Did you ever get down on your knees and ask with all sincerity for God to remove your compulsion?
All you need is in AA if you look for it.
I wish you well in your recovery.
Bob R
All you need is in AA if you look for it.
I wish you well in your recovery.
Bob R
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
.Hi jv. Have you ever been on medication for cravings or urges? I'm not sure that the desire to drink ever actually goes away. We never stop being alcoholics. The love of liquore is probably always going to be with us in one form or another. I'm finding a lot of help through medication for my mental health issues and a medication to help curb my cravings called Campral. Perhaps a visit with a psych and/or a therpist would do you some good.
01/28/2017
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 74
for those advocating AA. first, like i said in my post, i have nothing against it and will still go to meetings if for nothing else than the human factor.
sapling i had 4.5 years sober. you could use that as an excuse to say AA did work for me, and i thought it did too. but the program says if we completely give ourselves to the program we will lose the desire to drink, i never did when i truly think about it. i don't know if i will through outside methods either, but i owe it to myself to explore other avenues. also, unless you are a doctor, i wouldn't be going around diagnosing depression. depression happens to run in my family. up until now i never thought of myself as depressed, but taking a look at myself says i need to explore it as a possibility with my doctor. he will be the judge, not me......i will not be pushing anything.
regarding god. that is one big reason why AA will never completely work for me. i know, i know. god can mean anything. i've said it before myself many times. good orderly direction. group of drunks. etc, etc. i tried for years to open myself up to the concept that AA teaches, but my brain just isn't wired to accept that. yes, i've dropped to my knees and done the prayer thing. i tried it every night for two months early on, but every single night it just seemed like a silly ritual to me. i don't believe in god, or any higher power with any kind of intelligence. i don't believe in prayer, i believe i could ask a lamp post the same questions and get the same results. like i said, i really tried. i did the fake it till you make it thing right up until i relapsed. it just isn't who i am.
otherwise, i do thank everyone in this thread for the support. it does mean a lot. just wrapping up the night now, having a cup of tea and gonna do some reading. right now my main struggle is sleep. i managed about 3 hours last night, hopefully i can do better tonight. i do have ativan if need be, but my withdrawal symptoms are gone aside from insomnia and i would rather not be taking benzos any more than i absolutely have to.
sapling i had 4.5 years sober. you could use that as an excuse to say AA did work for me, and i thought it did too. but the program says if we completely give ourselves to the program we will lose the desire to drink, i never did when i truly think about it. i don't know if i will through outside methods either, but i owe it to myself to explore other avenues. also, unless you are a doctor, i wouldn't be going around diagnosing depression. depression happens to run in my family. up until now i never thought of myself as depressed, but taking a look at myself says i need to explore it as a possibility with my doctor. he will be the judge, not me......i will not be pushing anything.
regarding god. that is one big reason why AA will never completely work for me. i know, i know. god can mean anything. i've said it before myself many times. good orderly direction. group of drunks. etc, etc. i tried for years to open myself up to the concept that AA teaches, but my brain just isn't wired to accept that. yes, i've dropped to my knees and done the prayer thing. i tried it every night for two months early on, but every single night it just seemed like a silly ritual to me. i don't believe in god, or any higher power with any kind of intelligence. i don't believe in prayer, i believe i could ask a lamp post the same questions and get the same results. like i said, i really tried. i did the fake it till you make it thing right up until i relapsed. it just isn't who i am.
otherwise, i do thank everyone in this thread for the support. it does mean a lot. just wrapping up the night now, having a cup of tea and gonna do some reading. right now my main struggle is sleep. i managed about 3 hours last night, hopefully i can do better tonight. i do have ativan if need be, but my withdrawal symptoms are gone aside from insomnia and i would rather not be taking benzos any more than i absolutely have to.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by jv369
sapling i had 4.5 years sober. you could use that as an excuse to say AA did work for me, and i thought it did too. but the program says if we completely give ourselves to the program we will lose the desire to drink, i never did when i truly think about it. i don't know if i will through outside methods either, but i owe it to myself to explore other avenues.
i have scheduled another appointment with him at the end of the day next week to have a long and serious sit down about my life, my ailments, why i drink and what(if any) depression and/or anxiety issues i may have.
Did you seek medical attention for depression and anxiety when you were sober for four and half years? or is this something that you are addressing since you relapsed? Because I found the depression and anxiety my doctor wanted to medicate me for...Was no longer a problem for me when I removed the alcohol from my life. Anyway...I hope you find something that works for you...That's all that counts.
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