Morality issue help desperately needed
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Morality issue help desperately needed
I havent been on the boards for a long time. I previously gained so much help from everyone while my AH and I divorced. He is 3 years sober, we're back together and everything in that arena is amazing.
Bare with me as I try to keep this to the point without confusion.
Previous marriage, before RAH, I became a full time step Mom to a 2 yr old girl when her mother passes away. SD Dad and I divorced when she was 15. She resided with him. Had a baby @17, and has continued to have kids.
XSD is 20-has a children ages 3, 1.5(downs syndrome), and 4 mo old( born 3 months early due to appendicitis. XSD had E surgery, then a few hours later baby born in toilet, then XSD came down with Sepsis).
My issue. XSD using meth, and quite a bit. I have stayed 99% detached due to family dynamics. My children ages 18,8 & 7, are XSD half siblings.
My younger 2 see the Dad EOW and frequently during the week. Said Dad also pays all of XSD bills, her car insurance, her gas, her phone, buys diapers, formula and groceries and delivers to XSD apt, even though she gets approximately $1200 s month in SSD for middle child, cash assistance and $500 in food benefits.
I have had no complaint as it hasn't really been my business.
I recently learned of the meth use from DD18 as well as alleged abuse to the children including slapping 4 month old baby when she cries.
I have reported to social services 3 times, SS refused to take my complaint of benefits being used for meth, and local PD basically said to do an investigation is a lot of paperwork and a pain in their butt so they don't follow up on complaints.
Spoke with XH (dad to all) and expressed my concerns, he refuses to stop enabling. I have the 4 month old baby in my home since Sunday since DD18 asked to see her and XSD has expressed no desire to have her come home.
DD 18 wants to get custody of the kids, especially the baby.
SOOooo, what do I do? I personally do not want anymore children. I wouldn't mind continuing to keep baby in our home but have no desire for the other 2 as I feel that would be very unfair to my children including my 3 yr old with my RAH.
I have a last resort of calling the social worker at the hospital that her last 2 children were born at and stayed in NICU. However that social worker will tell XSD it was me that outed her. I'm fine with that part, however it then causes friction between XH and I and becomes unpleasant for our children together.
How is it I try to remain detached, yet I feel it's up to me to get XSD children out of there?
Bare with me as I try to keep this to the point without confusion.
Previous marriage, before RAH, I became a full time step Mom to a 2 yr old girl when her mother passes away. SD Dad and I divorced when she was 15. She resided with him. Had a baby @17, and has continued to have kids.
XSD is 20-has a children ages 3, 1.5(downs syndrome), and 4 mo old( born 3 months early due to appendicitis. XSD had E surgery, then a few hours later baby born in toilet, then XSD came down with Sepsis).
My issue. XSD using meth, and quite a bit. I have stayed 99% detached due to family dynamics. My children ages 18,8 & 7, are XSD half siblings.
My younger 2 see the Dad EOW and frequently during the week. Said Dad also pays all of XSD bills, her car insurance, her gas, her phone, buys diapers, formula and groceries and delivers to XSD apt, even though she gets approximately $1200 s month in SSD for middle child, cash assistance and $500 in food benefits.
I have had no complaint as it hasn't really been my business.
I recently learned of the meth use from DD18 as well as alleged abuse to the children including slapping 4 month old baby when she cries.
I have reported to social services 3 times, SS refused to take my complaint of benefits being used for meth, and local PD basically said to do an investigation is a lot of paperwork and a pain in their butt so they don't follow up on complaints.
Spoke with XH (dad to all) and expressed my concerns, he refuses to stop enabling. I have the 4 month old baby in my home since Sunday since DD18 asked to see her and XSD has expressed no desire to have her come home.
DD 18 wants to get custody of the kids, especially the baby.
SOOooo, what do I do? I personally do not want anymore children. I wouldn't mind continuing to keep baby in our home but have no desire for the other 2 as I feel that would be very unfair to my children including my 3 yr old with my RAH.
I have a last resort of calling the social worker at the hospital that her last 2 children were born at and stayed in NICU. However that social worker will tell XSD it was me that outed her. I'm fine with that part, however it then causes friction between XH and I and becomes unpleasant for our children together.
How is it I try to remain detached, yet I feel it's up to me to get XSD children out of there?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
It sort of sounds like she wants to bring home these lost puppies and may not fully realize the need for a long term commitment. It's tough enough for the typical 18 year old to put anyone's best interests before their own, let alone x3.
How does she intend to support these kids, for the next 18+ years?
How will she further her own education and/or seek and secure full time employment?
Where does she intend to live for the next 18+ years?
What happens when she wants her own social life ?
What happens if RAH relapses?
Special needs children require substantial time and effort. Most remain dependent on others for life.
It's not clear the need to avoid friction and/or unplesantness. The birth mom is addicted to Meth and not competent to parent. You and your home are not the only alternatives. No matter what, the court is going to be involved.
How does she intend to support these kids, for the next 18+ years?
How will she further her own education and/or seek and secure full time employment?
Where does she intend to live for the next 18+ years?
What happens when she wants her own social life ?
What happens if RAH relapses?
Special needs children require substantial time and effort. Most remain dependent on others for life.
It's not clear the need to avoid friction and/or unplesantness. The birth mom is addicted to Meth and not competent to parent. You and your home are not the only alternatives. No matter what, the court is going to be involved.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
What about the other 2 kids? Seems wrong to rescue one and leave the other 2! Also, the children are still in her care legally, does your SD even want to give the baby up for adoption or she just needing a break?
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
In general DD18 has taken care of all 3 more than 50% of their lives. She finished HS credits by last December, is now taking prerequisites for nursing and walks with her HS graduation class in a couple of weeks.
She will be moving into residence next door that we own and paying rent to us. I am a back up sitter for her. Pretty much we have everything in order to proceed as needed.
RAH relapse possibly is not relevant to any of it.
XSD pawns her kids anywhere and everywhere. I don't believe she wants them adopted out, but she also doesn't want to be bothered with them.
She basically considers them her means to get cash for meth.
I can see how clear cut it should be, but it isn't.
Nobody from social services, to the PD doesn't seem interested in her meth use or the abuse allegations. I feel I have done almost everything possible to have this investigated with no success.
I feel that the only way it will be investigated is for DD18 or myself to go file child in need of care to get the ball rolling. This is where my issue with morality comes in?
If it was joe blow down the street I would have reported as I have done to Family services and PD and felt I did all I could do, and be done. BUT it's not. It's my XSD who I have no blood relationship or legal ties to. It's my Somewhat grandchildren depending on how you slice it.
So do I step in, and file or do I not. As far as it being unpleasant, that is a big can of worms. I do not care if XH is mad at me, but if he's mad at me then the kids pay for it, and it's unfair to them.
It seems I am whining, and I am not. If XSD didn't have kids it would be no big deal. I have no problem with detachment from her and her addiction. However there's 3 small children that don't have a voice of their own in this situation.
I don't know if that makes sense to anyone? Where is the line drawn and when do you just turn your head? At what point do I say it's not my business?
She will be moving into residence next door that we own and paying rent to us. I am a back up sitter for her. Pretty much we have everything in order to proceed as needed.
RAH relapse possibly is not relevant to any of it.
XSD pawns her kids anywhere and everywhere. I don't believe she wants them adopted out, but she also doesn't want to be bothered with them.
She basically considers them her means to get cash for meth.
I can see how clear cut it should be, but it isn't.
Nobody from social services, to the PD doesn't seem interested in her meth use or the abuse allegations. I feel I have done almost everything possible to have this investigated with no success.
I feel that the only way it will be investigated is for DD18 or myself to go file child in need of care to get the ball rolling. This is where my issue with morality comes in?
If it was joe blow down the street I would have reported as I have done to Family services and PD and felt I did all I could do, and be done. BUT it's not. It's my XSD who I have no blood relationship or legal ties to. It's my Somewhat grandchildren depending on how you slice it.
So do I step in, and file or do I not. As far as it being unpleasant, that is a big can of worms. I do not care if XH is mad at me, but if he's mad at me then the kids pay for it, and it's unfair to them.
It seems I am whining, and I am not. If XSD didn't have kids it would be no big deal. I have no problem with detachment from her and her addiction. However there's 3 small children that don't have a voice of their own in this situation.
I don't know if that makes sense to anyone? Where is the line drawn and when do you just turn your head? At what point do I say it's not my business?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Wow, what a mess. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that your xh is paying all that out to sd when his younger daughter is taking care of those children 50% of time. That is sick. Meth is sick. And those kids need to be removed from that situation. But I hesitate to say...don't let your young daughter take on this burden! She is a young woman just getting started and she can't know what she is getting herself into. She deserves to have her own life. She sounds like a wonderful, compassionate person. But please don't encourage her to do this.
My thought is the right thing to do is fully report the situation. What I am wondering is if the middle child is getting early intervention services. These are usually in the home. These individuals are required to report suspicion of abuse, neglect or illegal activity. Can your 18 year old alert a case mgr or therapist of the situation? They likely already suspect this.
This is a sad situation. But sadder yet for the precious little one with Down syndrome, who absolutely needs a nurturing, loving and therapeutic environment to get the best start in life. Heart breaking!!!
My thought is the right thing to do is fully report the situation. What I am wondering is if the middle child is getting early intervention services. These are usually in the home. These individuals are required to report suspicion of abuse, neglect or illegal activity. Can your 18 year old alert a case mgr or therapist of the situation? They likely already suspect this.
This is a sad situation. But sadder yet for the precious little one with Down syndrome, who absolutely needs a nurturing, loving and therapeutic environment to get the best start in life. Heart breaking!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
