itsanewday2011

Hi all,

Ann's recent post struck a cord with me...I have really been struggling with how to grapple with the emotions I have been feeling for the last month or so. My Ex and I divorced last August. I believe I have suppressed all of the emotions of the process to just problem solve/get by/ but mainly to take care of our 3 year old child.

I am feeling a lot of guilt...guilt about the fact that I stayed with my ex, ignoring all of the warning signs. Bringing a child into the world with an addict father (who thankfully, is now in recovery) but a child who will not have a "sole family unit" like I had hoped for her.

I struggle with the fact that I never really told my husband (now ex) why I left him. I trust he knows, as I had given him many warnings - mainly, the last one when I was 5 months pregnant that he was a husband, a business leader, and about to be a father, and if I caught him using drugs and lying again I would divorce him. Fast forward 3 years later - that is what happened.

I struggle with trying to forgive myself, and wonder if I should apologize to him for enabling his behavior. Yet wonder - is that something that will benefit me? He will probably say something like 'well, you never trusted me in the first place because of my "past" ' - that was always his exuse - yet the reality is the things that happened in our relationship caused me not to trust him.

A year later - all of this is hitting me like a ton of bricks...one of my friends who went through a divorce a couple years ago (not due to addiction, but tough and complicated) said this would happen. After all the problem solving, getting through the fire and turmoil, reality would set in (and it has). And here I am, without the "big storm" and left with my emotions to deal and grapple with....

I don't know if I need to journal, tell him these feelings for closure, or seek my counselor - I reached out to her a couple weeks ago because I felt like I lived a sham in my marriage for 7 years...she basically said it wasn't a sham and that there was good in there. Sometimes I am not so sure - I now don't really trust my own emotions or what is real. My brother reminded me of a time where he saw my ex smoking crack and he told me about it. I honestly don't remember. Was I just in denial - for 7 years?

I need to forgive myself and trust again - just having a hard time doing that.

Thanks for listening...

YearForMe

Oh good heavens....

I truly hope you have given up the idea of telling him anything.
Believe me....he knows. He's not a dumb boy. He already knows.

Work it out here. Work it out with your therapist....
and give yourself a break. You didn't intentionally enable him. You loved him
and you didn't know better.

I'm thinking once you learned better, you did better....right?

bunkie65

I too stuffed my emotions and went through the motions of survival so I could take care of my sons. I questioned myself over and over. You did not cause his addiction and you can't control it nor cure it. You did what you did as he did what he did. I was angry for a very long time and let it go, I was sick and tired of being angry. It took time to do this. Several yeas later my ex told me he was glad I left him cause he would not of gone throuhg what he did had I of stayed and continued to enable him. He is still using and I continue to pray for him. I forgave myself for my part and have worked on me trying to change me and live and let live. I have made mistakes and still do, but I do not beat myself up for them. I just try to learn from them and keep on moving forward. Going back keeps me stuck and sick. I can't change or erase or fix the past. But I can change me today. Just for today I can keep the focous on me and my kids. Just for today I can try to think more healthy and get out of the fog in my head of coulda shoulda woulda. Just for today I can trust my higher power to guide me and let him guide my ex. One day at a time love. The past is just that the past. Live in the moment at least that is what works for me. Feel what im feeling and let it go. Prayers for you and yours.

Ann

Finding closure, I think, is something we find from within. A peace we make with ourselves only after we have processed all those raw feelings that we stuffed for so long. The only way to deal with those feelings is to face them head on and walk through them...this was suggested to me in my darkest days by a dear friend here and she was so right.

When we are enmeshed in the chaos of living with an active addict (mine was my son), we lose sight of our real feelings and even who we are. Once free, however we got free, when the dust settles and we have "dealt" with the "business", the feelings begin to surface and it's a form of PTSD I think because now we deal with the reality of what it all was.

We are each different, and only you know what may help you through this. Counseling is a good start, journaling helps many of us too, and taking time to get out of yourself by taking a nice walk in nature or joining a club or activity doing something you love will all help you walk through this and heal.

Hugs

itsanewday2011

Thanks to all of you. "Stuffing of feelings" is a great way to describe me. I did it for 7 years of our marriage and did for the last year as we got through the chaos.

I know in my heart of hearts that he knows why I left him, and talking to him about the past would do nothing about the past for either of us. Frankly, it could cause more issues.

I just need to keep doing what I am doing...feeling the emotions (some days I just have tears that randomly come). But, I think it is a good feeling to actually "feel" them.

I got a chance to visit with a girlfriend last night, and told her I want more time with her - I really neglected my friends as I worked through the chaos. It was difficult to get with friends both from a time and financial perspective (having to hire a sitter to watch our daughter, feeling guilty about being away from he toor). However, I was just on a business trip and during that time I got a massage and had 3 hours ALONE in my hotel room (that was decadence to me) and I realized that was just what the dr ordered. Time for me helps me find "me" and be a better mom.

I am committed to taking care of me - getting exercise, seeing friends, getting a massage or pedicure now or then.

Also - I am taking our daughter to Disneyland next week and am so excited to create some memories together.

Thanks for the wisdom - SR has been, and will continue to be, so helpful in my healing process.

itsanewday2011

For some reason I can't edit my post above "he toor" was supposed to be "her" - ha! Have a good day.

Kindeyes

I think that what you are dealing with is pretty normal. Stuffing those emotions down holds them inside of us and eventually we need to get them out or they start to rot in there. It becomes toxic.

I went through what you are going through 30 years ago. I carried that toxin in me for several years.....probably ten years or so...before I finally purged them...I simply let them go. Or so I thought.

I'm slowly going through the steps.....diligently....methodically....and I'm digging up remnants of that crap. Step Nine.....making amends. It's suppose to be very cleansing but in my case it has caused the dregs of those emotions that you're dealing with to rise up to the surface some 30 years later.

I realize now that I purged most of those emotions but I'm at the point where I have to forgive myself and make amends to ME.....because I never did forgive myself for any part I played in that drama. I forgave him.......but I never forgave me. So.....here I am 30 years later working on self forgiveness and making amends where I am able.

As life unfolds we learn.....and it's never too late.....but don't wait as long as I did to forgive yourself and move forward.

gentle hugs
ke

itsanewday2011

Kindeyes - thanks for your post. Today was a tough day. My ex is trying to keep my daughter away from my family and is accusing my brother of being unsafe around my child because they used to use together. Now my ex is trying to drag everyone around with him. Not sure how to deal with it....its too confidential to give all the details, but just a rough day.

Kindeyes

It is all very confusing and keeps us in such a fog. It's hard to think straight sometimes.

Do you know the difference between a bad day and a good day?........one day.

I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you.

gentle hugs
ke

story74

I feel your pain!

Talk about it openly to those who you trust. Journal. Do whatever to work through the emotions. Be honest with yourself and allow yourself to feel. Sometimes I write a letter to my xah, but I don't give it to him. It feels good.

I also understand dealing with an xah. Mine is VERY difficult to deal with. He has no clue why I don't trust him. I tried to talk to him for the first time last night, but it didn't go very well. He is in denial and wants to sweep all his past actions under the carpet. He refuses to awknowledge any wrong doing or even try to make amends. He is angry and tries to get me back through spite. So, talking to him is useless. He isn't an adult. He is self centered. At first, I tried to tip toe around him and just telling himwhat he wanted to hear. But, that didn't work. Now, I think I am going to just be professional and not back down or be bullied into anything I don't agree with. It is so difficult when you want to be adult about things, but it is only one sided. He actually told me he doesn't have to give me child support money for the month of April because the judge said it didn't have to start until May. He is doing this because I told him I was following the rules of our visitation agreement, so he is getting me back by follow the rules for child support. He takes no responsibility for why visitation is the way it is. Nor does he realize how he is hurting me financially by doing this. I am dealing with a child addict. When I told him how I felt yesterday, he refused to listen and just dismissed it. It is pointless talking to them.

It has been almost for us too. The other day I realized that after 16 years he just left. No discussion. He wouldn't talk to me. Just left. It happened so fast. What I am realizing coming out of the stress is how wrong and not normal it all was. I won't allow the "I fell in love with another woman and you were too controlling" excuse. No, he was on cocaine and on a downward spiral. No, I didn't cause this and this isn't normal. Adults sit down and discuss things. Adults try to work things out. A man takes care of his family. A man is a good role model for his child. A man doesn't just abandon his family.

I was thinking today that I would be able to forgive him if only he would grow up and take responsibility for his actions. But, I don't think that will ever happen. He doesn't think anything through. He just has no self reflection.

Anyways, I feel your pain. As different as your story is, we have lots of similarities. It's a hell that I wouldn't wish on any enemy. There is so much gray. An addict throws a stone in the water and has no clue how many people he/she affects. I hope you get the help that you need and are able to deal with your emotions. Take care of yourself. Try to ignore him as much as you can...sometimes they make it very hard.